The Poison Spreading Through Europe
What was it that contributed most to the expansion of food culture? You could say pepper, or spices in general — but in my book, the refrigerator deserves just as much credit. Especially here, in the gentle climate near the Mediterranean, where these country bumpkins had gone their whole lives without so much as laying eyes on ice.
“Whaaargh! What IS this thing!”
“My… my head! My head hurts!”
Shoving ice cream into their mouths in one gulp, complaining their heads hurt, then going in for a second bite. Heh heh heh. You people are already stuck in a swamp you'll never crawl out of.
“To go! Wrap it up for me, I say!”
“I'm afraid it melts, my lord, so it must be enjoyed on the premises. We can't wrap it up.”
“So you're telling me I cannot take it home?”
“That's correct.”
“Urkh….”
Look at that face. The man looked like the world had ended. And just like that, these humans had fallen under my dominion.
“My lady? Your expression is… rather strange right now….”
“What about it?”
“You look like some kind of villain?”
“Nonsense. Heh heh heh heh….”
Anyway, since the refrigerator existed nowhere else but here, they had no choice but to keep coming back. Right now, these were delicacies that could only be tasted in Daehan! Yes! Let them all come and lay their gold coins at my feet!
“But now that you're running a restaurant directly, our workload has grown quite a bit.”
“Nothing to be done about it. It'd be a disaster if they carted it off and it melted.”
We'd been running only the secret salon, but we had no choice but to open a restaurant again. Oh, that reminds me — about those pirates, I couldn't dig up any information on who sent them, not even in the salon. Had something slipped past even the nobles? Some affair being quietly arranged?
“And besides, a restaurant can't just sell iced desserts.”
So what I added was naengmyeon — chilled buckwheat noodles! Naengmyeon, kimchi, fermented seafood — these all came from the simple logic of living off what each region produced. I'd assumed nothing of the sort would appear in Daehan, since our ingredient distribution was so well developed, but apparently the people living on the peninsula were making it themselves? At this point, I suspect it might just be instinct.
“Sluuurp!”
“Sluuurp!”
“Mmm. The umami is lovely, I'll grant you, but isn't it rather tough? Why on earth would anyone eat this?”
“Heh heh? My dear sir! You simply don't know how to eat naengmyeon yet!”
Simmered to a clear broth from beef and seasoned just so, the noodles were delicious on their own — but for these European bumpkins, I'd added one more thing.
“There! You must eat it together with this seasoned bulgogi!”
“With meat?”
It had to be chewed alongside the noodles, and the marinade had to soak in just right, so we cut it neither too thick nor too thin and grilled it over charcoal — charcoal-grilled bulgogi!
“Sluuurp — oh? What is this? This fragrant, smoky aroma with such a tender bite? It melts in my mouth! It's melting!?”
“They call it the flavor of fire! And that sweetness and salt, that harmony of a dozen spices! What food in heaven's kingdom could compare?”
Naengmyeon must always be eaten with meat. That is the law.
“And that is why this is the City of Angels!”
“And have you ever seen a place so bright, even at night?”
“Heh heh…. A city that banishes even the darkness. Surely this is the grace of God Himself.”
Eugh-heh-heh-hah. Fools, all of them. Squandering their gold, hopelessly hooked on nothing more than iced desserts and cold noodles. Where on earth had these people been hoarding all that gold, that it came pouring out in such torrents?
Coming back inside after a lap around the city, I found the usual mountain of reports waiting for me. The truly hilarious thing was that Britain and France were actively at war with each other, yet their nobles were here playing and feasting, pretending not to see one another. Some liberation war was brewing in the north somewhere, religious wars were flaring up — an absolute mess all around.
“By the way, my lady? The New World — is it really all right to be sending in so many weapons?”
“Of course it is~”
We were selling weapons to the natives through the eastern coastal ports of the Eastern Continent, centered on Aimala. In the north and west, where we had direct access, the natives were banding together and resisting, while the Spaniards were stuck holed up near Panama, pouring money down a hole. Only in the east, the one region our hands couldn't reach, did Portugal seem to be making some headway.
“Won't we run short of gunpowder at this rate?”
“If we do, there's always a way.”
We just dig up what's been buried and use it. All we'd done was sell the New World some weapons and food, and now Portugal and Spain were both included in the crowd paying Daehan tribute in staggering amounts of gold. No need to mine it ourselves the hard way — what a wonderful arrangement.
“My lady? What on earth are you scheming these days? You seem like a terribly wicked person.”
“Hmm? Not really?”
What had I even done? I'd merely sold some weapons and food, that's all.
“It's not as though I ordered anyone to do anything, is it?”
“Somehow it feels like you egged them on.”
“Then what, am I supposed to just watch the natives get dragged off as slaves and have their lands stolen?”
“Hmmm….”
Right? Even you're conflicted, aren't you?
“Then why are you selling to Spain and Portugal?”
“Ah….”
Right in the weak spot….
“No, wait! There's such a thing as merchant's ethics! If I only refuse to sell to them, that would be — as a merchant, that's just — there are rules, all right? Rules!”
“Good grief…. Money-grubber….”
“Kgh….”
This is why clever people are so dangerous…. So THAT'S why they invented the policy of keeping the populace ignorant!
“Also, why are we buying in that herb?”
“Mmm. It supposedly aids digestion and dulls pain — a sort of universal cure-all?”
“Huh? THAT?”
It should sell in Europe, I figured. The folks over there turned out to be even more primitive than expected — they believe in superstition and whatnot like nobody's business.
“The smell is awfully harsh, though. It even gives off something like a stench.”
The thing is inherently addictive, you see — once it spreads like a drug, it's devilishly hard to stamp out. But our own children couldn't stand it, complaining it reeked. Was it because Holy Water was simply part of daily life here? Apparently it purifies all manner of things.
“Well, it's better than how the Europeans smell, anyway.”
“You think so?”
“Bring some in and let's see it.”
“We dried and cured it before bringing it over, but just touching it left the smell on your hands?”
Yep. Agreed. Honestly, I don't know why anyone likes this stuff either — but it's not for us, it's for selling abroad, so who cares?
“Now watch closely. Once we sell this, it's going to fly off the shelves like you would not believe.”
Click-click-click.
And making it was simplicity itself: lay out the leaves in a long line, roll them up nice and tight, wrap the outside in oiled paper, and seal it. Done.
“There! This, my friends, is called a cigarette.”
“What are we supposed to do with this… stick?”
“You smoke it.”
“You're putting that stench inside your BODY?”
“It's medicine, didn't I say?”
A misunderstanding, of course — but it does have some real effects, doesn't it?
“So make these up, hand them out at the restaurants, and tell everyone: it aids digestion, it eases pain. Promote it, all right?”
“Ugh…. I don't care how I look at it, this is trash?”
“Ha ha. Just trust me.”
“Hmmm. Fine, we'll put it out.”
Hmm…. I feel like I've forgotten something, though….
“Your order, my lord~”
“Much obliged. Let's dig in.”
“And this is a complimentary item we're distributing for promotional purposes.”
What the waiter produced was a long, thick object about the length of a finger — a cigarette, rolled from leaves.
“What's this, then? Am I to eat it?”
“It's an herb rolled into a cylinder. You light one end and inhale the smoke.”
“Oh ho?”
His wine already running short, the European found himself intrigued by this so-called cigarette that was also made from herbs. He wondered whether all those dozens of leaves rolled up in there were truly medicinal. If so, how much herb must it contain? He found himself eager to light it at once.
“They say it aids digestion and relieves pain.”
And it helped the stomach and banished aches besides? It looked positively perfect for right after a meal.
“Heh heh. Those Daehan folk put herbs to use everywhere, don't they? Very well! I shall try it once I've finished eating!”
Since it relieved pain, he somehow felt a headache coming on, and his body was suddenly aching all over — or so his imagination insisted. And so the European noble inhaled his naengmyeon and bulgogi.
This man, a powerful noble of eastern France, had fled the war and was now on his seventh day of eating, sleeping, and idling his days away at the port of Daehan.
“Mmmmmmm. Even eating it every day, it never grows old!”
He wanted to eat it back home too — but try as he might, he could not fathom how this "broth" could possibly come out crowned with a skin of ice. And so, his ankles caught in an invisible snare, he could not bring himself to leave.
“I suppose I should look into a residence here…. Tch. Finished already.”
Having devoured everything with a wolfish appetite, he felt something lacking, and picked up the thing the waiter had left behind — the cigarette. And since he had no idea where one was meant to light it and was too embarrassed to ask again, he held the tip to an oil lamp.
“Hm?”
A thin white smoke curled upward.
“Sniff, sniff. Koff-koff.”
He sampled it through his nose, and the stimulation proved so fierce against the membranes inside his nostrils that he was left merely miserable.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha! First time smoking, I see!”
“Koff-koff.”
“You must draw it in through the mouth, dear fellow. The mouth.”
“Koff-koff. Oh! Is that so? Much obliged!”
Only then did he glance at the man beside him, and copying him exactly, sucked the smoke into his mouth and inhaled.
“Keh-keh-keh.”
“Ha ha. Once you've grown accustomed to it, nothing else compares.”
“Is that so?”
With the smoke sinking into his lungs there was a stuffy, wretched feeling, but he resolved to see the trial through and smoked it to the very end.
“Hm? I do feel my stomach settling, and my head growing clearer…?”
Of course, it was pure delusion. What medicine could possibly do that? As for real effects of tobacco leaf, the best one could say was insect-repelling, and maybe an anti-inflammatory poultice for wounds, applied directly. What was actually happening was the nicotine stimulating his nerves, provoking arousal and pleasure — hence the vague lift in his spirits, and hence the delusion.
“Koff-koff.”
Still coughing, yet drawn on by that inexplicable sensation, he kept smoking — until he felt his chest grow tight.
“Ugh…. Is there some ill side effect? Koff-koff.”
THWACK.
And from his coughing mouth, something yellow and thick came flying out.
“Gah!?”
His chest felt cool and open at last. He was utterly stunned — both at what had just come out of his own mouth, and at how suddenly refreshed his chest felt.
“Oh! It draws out the toxins accumulated in the body!?”
Phlegm built up from a lifetime of living in dust-pit cities, now compounded by tobacco smoke, had finally overflowed and burst out with a cough — and the European, in his wondrous delusion, drew the most remarkable conclusion.
“To think such a fine medicinal herb existed!”
“Ha-ha-ha. You see it now, do you?”
“Tell me — where might one acquire this?”
“There's a Daehan trading counter just over there; they sell plenty. Go have a look.”
“My thanks!”
The man dashed straight for the Daehan shop counter, intending to bring this back and introduce it in the salon — with his personal testimony, no less.
And so, inside the delusions of the Europeans, Daehan's cigarettes began their quiet spread.
“KOFF-KOFF!”
“Hurk!”
With the cigarettes spreading, the suffering of the employees began. They sipped Holy Water constantly throughout the day, after all, so the nicotine was purified before it could ever take hold — to them, the stuff was nothing more than a poisonous weed.
“My lady! Save us!”
“We can barely breathe!”
Grievances from the staff began piling up without end.
“Oh, right! Smoking rooms! Build smoking rooms, quickly! These cursed wretches can't be lighting up everywhere they please!”
“What's a smoking room?”
What Haneul had momentarily forgotten was the smoking room. These were the Europeans who relieved themselves wherever they stood — did anyone imagine they'd politely seek out some special place to light a cigarette?
“It's a designated area for smoking! Explain it as a place where everyone gathers to smoke together, since the medicine's effects spread to those nearby. Enclosed rooms, so the medicinal properties stay contained.”
“Huh? Will they actually buy that?”
Against all expectations, it worked beautifully.
“Keh, as expected! Tobacco must be smoked in good company.”
“Indeed! Something this precious cannot be spread before just anyone!”
Perhaps because it was sold at such a steep price, the smokers began gathering among themselves to light up.
“Heh heh. And where do you hail from, my friend?”
“I've come from Poland. A marvelous place, this.”
“Ha ha. Shall we have a smoke together?”
Naturally, the smoking rooms became hubs of exchange, and more and more Europeans were talking shop across borders.
“Ha ha ha. How go things in your lands these days?”
“Don't ask. Peasant revolts, war — one giant disaster.”
“Same on our end. I'm actually considering buying a house here.”
“Oh? So am I.”
Daehan's listening devices being planted in these rooms went without saying — and meanwhile, the office workers were gathering up every scrap of news from across Europe.
“Oh? Have you heard, by any chance? About the European Coalition Army?”
“Of course. The plan to invade Daehan, you mean.”
“Dozens of nations aligned under a single purpose — that was a first in history.”
“Well, look how that ended. The war between Britain and France grew so large it all fizzled out into nothing….”
Unable to launch a direct attack, they had gathered pirates to strike instead — and at last, the full story behind that ambush came to light. And of course, through the eavesdropping devices, this too was delivered to Daehan in perfect fidelity.
The fact that a prelude to a great war — one that might have united all of Europe — had ever existed at all.