A Tea Party with the Rotten-Toothed King
What kind of royal palace is way out here?
“Mm. Let's head to the port first.”
“Yes! We'll start by checking the water depth and take it slow.”
“Right. If we run aground here, we'll seriously have to walk home.”
“Ah….”
Exactly, Captain? You're imagining it too, aren't you? Goosebumps?
The first ironclad in history, Whaleshark 1, runs aground on the riverbank of Lisbon. I'm telling you, this is the kind of thing that actually makes it into the history books.
Let's do this right!
“We'll survey the surrounding waters thoroughly before setting out.”
“Yes. And I mean *thoroughly*.”
The survey alone took a full week, but thankfully the river turned out to be genuinely enormous — deep in the interior, it was wide enough that you'd wonder whether you were still on the sea at all.
The water was deeper than we'd expected, and the Whaleshark's draft isn't all that deep anyway, so we were able to push through. Otherwise we would've had to lower a boat and row the whole way up — and wouldn't *that* have been embarrassing.
“Wow…. They've lost their minds.”
“Haven't they?”
So they call this the royal palace of Portugal, and when we got close, there's a castle sitting right on the riverbank? And it's the royal palace?
“I could wipe Portugal off the map by lifting a single finger, you know.”
“Why on earth would anyone build a fortress like that right on the water?”
And it's not just any castle. It's where the king lives!
We'd checked the depth, but just to be safe, we crept up the river at a crawl.
And of course, the riverbank descended into total chaos. A ship with no sails, churning its way upstream against the current.
“Is it really that amazing?”
“I'd say so, yes.”
“Everyone down there looks like a primitive to me.”
Mose, sweetie? By my standards, you and our kids are *still* primitives. Not that I could ever say that out loud.
Oh, well — at least nobody on the banks was lobbing anything at the ship. If we got snagged on something out here, it would be a genuine disaster. There's no way to call for another ship to come pull us free. We might literally have to blow the thing up and walk.
“Ah… we won't be able to get close to the port either….”
“Haneul-nim? If our ship bumps into those, they'll shatter, won't they?”
Yep. Looks that way to me too.
“Captain!”
“Yes, ma'am!”
“Drop us off, then hold position somewhere nearby.”
If we wait at the port and accidentally smash something in the process, that's a whole other international incident.
“Understood. We'll go a little further up the bank, turn the ship, and drop anchor.”
“Take it slow. Knowing them, some ball or welcoming banquet will eat up half our time anyway.”
Well then — shall we go collect our compensation~?
It looked impossible to disembark from our own ship, so we had a boat sent over from the shore, and only after transferring the gifts and the party across were we finally able to set foot at the port.
Counting me, our group was twenty-two. Mose and twenty guards would be coming along.
“My… every Daehan person is so tall.”
“That's average, actually.”
“But….”
Yes, yes, *I'm* on the short side. A *little* short. But only a little, no?
Aren't I about the same height as the average here in Europe? Maybe even slightly taller? Why are you all staring at me like I'm a circus exhibit….
“Shall we be off?”
We boarded carriages and followed the riverside road toward the palace.
“Ugh. What is that *smell*….”
“The river itself smells like sewage….”
The people living along the bank were just dumping everything straight into the street….
Ah, it's tragic, truly. I think I badly underestimated European roads coming out here.
“Surely the palace has clean water, at least?”
“Groundwater, probably?”
I'm scared…. Please don't tell me they're scooping river water straight up and drinking it.
We were shown to a separate wing of the palace. With the guards in tow, they seemed to have set aside a whole house for us — and the kids' complaints were something else.
“There's no bathroom!”
“No washbasin either!”
“Where on earth does the water even come from!”
When they went to wash up in the evening, they floundered around because they had no idea where to find water. They eventually solved it by discovering a well in a corner of the courtyard, but —
“Aaaargh, it's FREEZING!”
“T-t-t-t-t.”
“Warm water! I want warm water!”
Being spoiled with hot water on the ship had apparently sapped all their cold tolerance. There they stood, teeth chattering, scrubbing themselves down in shivering misery.
Also, on the way in, I noticed the palace's ground floor was basically a market?
People who looked like merchants crowded together, haggling away.
“Miss, I suspect the King of Portugal simply enjoys a bit of noise.”
“No idea…. How does anyone live like this?”
For now… sleep. Deal with it tomorrow. Medieval Europe, you are truly something. I wonder what's going to shock us next.
And so the next day, we received our invitation to the palace. I had the kids carry the gifts and follow along.
PHWOOOO. THUD. THUD. SCREEEECH.
“What is that?”
“What kind of animal is that? How is it that big!?”
Is this king insane? He's built a zoo in his courtyard and just… let everything loose. Doesn't the keepers' body count climb by the day like this?
“That would be an elephant and a rhinoceros…. Ha… why on earth would you keep those here? If one of them throws a fit, there's going to be an elephant-shaped hole in the palace wall.”
They say the world is wide and madmen are many. And I am genuinely terrified of what flavor of madman this one turns out to be.
Then we went to meet the king, and this time we were the monkeys in the zoo. Ha….
“My word….”
“Oooh….”
“So these are the Daehan people.”
“Our first time meeting them in the flesh.”
“I heard they were nobility, but they dress remarkably simply, don't they?”
“But there's a certain dignity about them, no?”
That's right, get a good long look.
“Greetings. I am Ha-eun, from Daehan.”
“A pleasure to meet you. I am Manuel the First.”
“Thank you for your warm welcome.”
And then, before getting to any actual business, we went through what could only be called a census interview — parents, siblings, that sort of thing?
“You have neither siblings nor parents, you say?”
“No.”
Well, of course not. Who would there be?
“Oh!”
Why are you so delighted about that? And — hold on. Does this man not brush his teeth? How are that many teeth rotting in one mouth? That has to hurt beyond belief.
“Now, let us dine and talk.”
“Yes. Let's do that.”
Maybe they're cutting me some slack as a foreigner, but what on earth is with all these rituals…?
At one point I genuinely thought we'd wandered into a cathedral — they paused the meal for a group mass. Praying even while eating, burning time on every pointless ceremony imaginable.
“Now then, let us eat.”
Here's what I learned: his teeth weren't black because he didn't brush. It was the distinct sensation that every single dish came with a side of sugar for dipping.
“Haneul-nim…. isn't this even sweeter than our cookies?”
“Right? I thought my own taste buds had gone wrong.”
“I can't eat this….”
Mose's face looked about two seconds from tears. She must really, truly hate it.
But wait — a maritime empire? A nation built on trade — weren't they supposed to be swimming in spices and the like?
How are they *curing meat in sugar*….
“Daehan folk eat rather lightly, I take it?”
“Yes….”
I had nothing else to say. Is this seriously what they expect people to eat?
Only after that banquet of suffering did teatime finally arrive. Time to do some business and get to the point.
“Now that the meal is finished, allow us to serve you the tea of Daehan.”
“Oho? You mean the things you brought?”
“Yes. One moment….”
Clink, clink.
Our tea set of Eastern Continent specialty porcelain, the blended tea, and the showstoppers — yanggaeng red bean jelly and chocolate.
So he does love sweets — the moment it came out, his nostrils were already flaring, sniffing it out like some bloodhound demon.
Tap, tap — whoosh.
Then I set the charcoal into a little brazier and lit it with gunpowder, and — ugh! This is so annoying!
“Phew….”
“Is something troubling you?”
“No. Tea is meant to be drunk with a calm and composed heart, you see. That is why we call it the Tea Ceremony.”
“Oh…. So there is etiquette even in tea.”
No, I sighed because I felt like throwing the whole brazier across the room.
Relax. Relax. Once again, tea is best when someone else brews it and hands it to you. Or at the very least, someone else brings you the boiling water. Note to self: stock the subspace with a bottomless supply of boiling water later.
Gurgle, pour….
“Oh….”
“So that is the tea of Daehan?”
“Hm… grass? Wood? Flowers? How curious.”
“It feels like the fragrance alone is clearing my head.”
Well, tea does have quite a few actual health benefits.
“Please, drink. It will clear the mind and replenish the body's energy.”
“Then is it a medicine?”
“Some do use it as one. And it is precious by nature — something only nobles and the wealthy can obtain.”
“Oh!”
So he drank — and of course, it wasn't to his taste yet. The wince on his face as he sipped? Nothing to be done. You can only enjoy what suits your palate.
“Hahaha. Just think of it as medicine.”
“Ah! Forgive me — did my face give me away?”
“Which is why we eat things like this alongside it.”
When I brought out the chocolate and yanggaeng, he eyed them with outright suspicion, so I took the first bite myself.
“Gah!”
One bite and the effect hit instantly. Judging by those catastrophically rotted teeth, the man clearly loves his sweets.
“Your Majesty!”
“What is the matter!”
Don't panic, everyone — he's like this because he *likes* it.
“Such a thing exists! What is this called!”
“A snack from Daehan. Eaten together with tea.”
Our Manuel the First's eyes had gone completely, utterly mad. For the yanggaeng and the chocolate.
“Ah! And now that you mention it, my head does feel clearer!”
The tea genuinely has that effect, but this suddenly? Or did the sugar just hit his brain?
“Yes. That's why we enjoy it so often ourselves.”
“Oh… and now I see — the dishes are exquisite as well!”
“Yes. They are very rare pieces, each one made by hand, one at a time, by master artisans who pour their hearts into every vessel.”
When things are handmade, you might find similar ones, but never identical ones. So that's not even a lie, is it?
“How precious are they, exactly?”
“Hm. At present, in the East, these trade for their weight in silver.”
They do sell like crazy in Japan, and honestly, "the East" is close enough.
“Gah!”
“The tea and snacks alone command that price, and demand is so fierce that buyers must queue.”
Have these people still never been to China? They know *nothing* about porcelain?
“And what is this dish?”
“It's called porcelain. A kind of dishware made in great quantity in the East.”
“Oh….”
Other countries make it too, but when it comes to the high-end stuff, only our Daehan has it. Honestly, if they'd already pushed that far east, this negotiation would've been much easier.
“And everything in that box is a gift I've brought for you. I hope it pleases you.”
“Oh!”
Given what I'd just quoted as the trade price, from his perspective I might as well have laid out a bed of gold.
“Might regular trade ships be able to pass between us?”
“That wouldn't be difficult, but….”
“Ah…. you mean the pirate problem, perhaps?”
“Yes. They've been far too noisy in the eastern seas of Daehan.”
I definitely need to hammer this nail in before I go. Honestly, the compensation money matters less than staying on good terms and opening trade — that's the real prize. A fat, juicy money vein to suck dry for decades.
“Goodness… and we sail waters far closer to our own shores….”
Yeah, that'd be the Spanish, mostly.
“I know. Daehan intends to call on Spain as well.”
“Then what is it you desire?”
“That you not approach the lands and islands to the north.”
And from what little digging I'd done, Portugal and Spain had signed some treaty brokered by the Papacy — and apparently it confines these people to expansion only on the *eastern* side of South America?
So the plan is to walk into Spain waving this treaty they signed and tell them, "You sign this too."
“Hm….”
You're not actually giving up anything, though? All this feigned reluctance….
“Wouldn't it put you in a favorable position when trade rights with Daehan are settled later?”
“Could we not hold the monopoly ourselves?”
He figures the northern lands are already outside his reach anyway, right? Offering up a single signature and then angling for exclusive rights — the greed is just shameless.
“Won't the exact terms have to be decided with everyone gathered around one table?”
“Ahem….”
These bandits and their monopoly obsession. How much money do they think they can inflate off it and siphon away? Not on my watch. Resellers running the market? Please.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
What could he possibly be thinking about that hard? I could really use some mind-reading right about now….
“Then let us find a good point of agreement, shall we?”
There was something distinctly serpentine about the way his eyes slid over us. Unpleasant….
“Yes. Gladly.”
The actual negotiations will be handled by Mose and the people below me, so I trust them to manage it.
“Everyone! You have received such fine gifts from Daehan today — shall we hold a masquerade ball tonight?”
“OHHH!”
“Wonderful!”
A masquerade? Since *when*?
“Will Ha-eun attend as well?”
“Yes…. though I don't have any clothes from this country?”
“We shall send some over.”
Ugh? Why? It's not even going to be fun — can't you people just party among yourselves?
“Yes. Thank you.”
That capitalist mouth of his, saying one thing while his heart waltzes off in the other direction….