Stolen Goods, Are They?
Stolen goods, are they?
Daehan issues certificates to manage the luxury teaware that's become all the rage in Japan — documents describing each piece's unique characteristics and proving its rightful owner. One copy stays in Daehan, and one goes to the owner.
It works because the teaware is handmade, one piece at a time, which means no two are ever exactly alike.
Clink, clank, clink, clank.
Dozens of Daehan security staff — men whose faces everyone in this country knew by now — were marching down the street in perfect formation. At their head walked Ha-eun, draped in a purple-and-white hakama.
"This the place?"
"Yes."
"Hmm... feels like the sleeves and hems are way too long on this thing."
"You're the one who insisted on wearing it Japanese-style, remember? You thought it was so pretty at first."
It is pretty, sure, but it's so fussy and layered. Practically dragging on the ground, too.
"By the time we get back, this dress is going to be covered in dust."
"Not my problem..."
The reason we were here today was simple: to beat the stuffing out of a fence. A guy selling other people's stolen property, if you please.
"Who goes there?"
In this era, wealthy houses and nobles all kept samurai posted at their gates. Or, in some cases, shady characters of a different sort.
"We heard a Mr. Kobayashi lives here. We've come to see him."
"And which household do you hail from, miss?"
Mose was up front handling the gatekeeper, while I stood behind her looking, apparently, like the daughter of some extremely powerful family.
"We're from the Daehan Company."
"Hm? Aren't you the merchants from Lord Nakamura's territory?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Then get lost! His lordship does not receive unannounced visitors!"
Ooh. Our Mose just took a direct hit. She's wincing and scurrying back over.
"Why are you being so polite?"
"Because it would feel wrong for me to be the one pulling a gun on them, wouldn't it?"
Hmm. Fair point, I suppose? Besides, these clothes are uncomfortable enough as it is.
"Alright, girls! They won't open the door, so just make a path for us."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Crisp, crisp, crisp.
Did they rehearse this or something? They're stepping in perfect unison and it's honestly kind of terrifying.
"Wh-what! What is this!"
"Stand back!"
See? Even the gatekeepers are trembling in their sandals.
Shiiing.
"Come no closer!"
"Take one more step and I'll cut you down!"
They've even drawn their swords now. This isn't a gun or a cannon we're talking about, so no reason to be scared of a couple of blades.
Crack.
"Gahk!"
"What did you say?"
She just walked up and caught the sword with her bare hand. This is getting intense.
I mean, imagine grabbing a blade with your palm and staring the wielder down from above. How could you not feel a chill?
"Say that again."
Snap.
"Gahk..."
Oh dear. His sword just snapped in half. That was probably his life savings, though — maybe go a bit easier on him? He's only a gatekeeper.
"Girls, let's head inside."
"Yes."
Thud.
"..."
Gatekeepers dropping like flies without even time to scream.
Boom.
"Ohhh, nice!"
And through the gap of the door we'd kicked clean off its hinges, we could see the household servants who'd come out at the commotion going absolutely rigid with fear.
"En-! Bandits? Intruders!"
One of the servants, too flustered to know what to call us, bolted into the inner residence. Good boy — go fetch your master, quickly now.
"Hm. That spot over there looks good. Let's go."
This place had a lovely garden laid out in the courtyard, with a proper pavilion and everything. I approve of that part, at least.
"Leave two or three behind to guard the perimeter. Nobody escapes."
"Yes."
I said two or three and they left four. Honestly, they listen so well and yet somehow don't.
While we waited, the girls went rummaging through the place, and —
Clang, clang, thud.
"Waaagh!"
Well... it was mostly just the sounds of negotiation drifting over.
"Why don't they just sit quietly? Why even put up a fight?"
"Hard to say? Maybe they think they can win?"
Really? We don't exactly look harmless from the outside, which makes it fascinating to me.
Crash, boom, rumble.
"Huh? Did something over there just collapse?"
"No idea? I only heard it."
Sounded like part of the house coming down? And I'd know — I've broken plenty of buildings in my time.
Looks like someone punched or axed a support pillar clean through and brought something down.
"Aaaagh! Stop! STOP, I say!"
Is that gentleman the owner? Must be urgent — he's running over barefoot.
"Gahk! A-Are you human?"
"Hm? Aren't I? Human, I mean — technically speaking, yes."
And there he goes again, staring off into space thinking things like immortal maiden and whatnot.
"...Ah! Please, make them stop!"
Slow on the uptake, this guy.
"Introductions first! Hello there~ We're from the Daehan Company~"
"Yes, yes, I understand, now MAKE THEM STOP!"
Stop what? We've only just begun?
"We hear you've been hiring people to steal our teaware and selling it off at a tidy profit?"
"No! I knew nothing of it! I was deceived when I bought them, I swear!"
Oh? Deceived, were you? Then maybe you shouldn't have turned around and resold them?
"Then perhaps you'd show us the teacups and their Certificates of Authenticity? Ah — actually, the girls are bringing the cups now."
"Wh... what?"
The girls found his hiding spots like bloodhounds. There's definitely some kind of instinctive radar built into them.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
"Gahk! Gently, gently!"
He was having a full-on panic attack as the girls carried over the boxes of teaware and set them down. Sir, we don't package these things so shabbily that they'd break from that.
"Now then, let's have a look, shall we?"
I opened the boxes and inspected the contents. Not a single certificate among them.
"Not one certificate? Wherever could they be?"
"There never were any!"
Mm, right. Of course there weren't.
Click.
"Oh my~ Here they are~"
Because they come with the box, you see. That's the whole reason we use those expensive sandalwood and ebony boxes — so people can't knock off cheap copies.
"Let's see~ This one belongs to Mr. Sato, doesn't it? And Suzuki, Takahashi, Tanaka... my, my, you've gathered quite the balanced collection, haven't you? This is Kobayashi's residence, as I understand it?"
"Th-they were gifts! I received them as gifts!"
Hm? Uh... gifts? Sure. Sure you did.
"Well then, let's go pay these gentlemen a visit, shall we?"
"Gahk! Why trouble such busy people!"
"Dunno. I'll just ask them."
Busy or not, they'll want to come, won't they? Ah — actually, they might even be delighted. Might want to handle the matter personally. One of them is a daimyo, after all.
Clunk!
"Nobody move! I'll smash it all!"
Oh my. Kobayashi must have gotten desperate — he's started a hostage standoff. And his hostage, of all things, is a teaware set.
"Wahaha! Move one step and the teaware shatters! Mark my words!"
We'd all frozen, and now he's strutting around like a rooster.
"What is he even saying?"
"Beats me?"
"He only thinks that because he doesn't know it's worth about a hundred won."
That's why the staff beside me looked so exasperated when he started waving it around.
I mean? If you're going to take a hostage, shouldn't it be me or Mose standing next to him?
"That won't work on us. Put it down and have a seat. You're dead either way, so you might as well go comfortably, no?"
"Nonsense! You won't move an inch either — money's money, even to you!"
No? We're standing still because this is absurd, not because we're scared?
That's a hundred-won teacup, buddy.
"Hmm. Fine then. Go ahead. Smash it."
"What?"
"I said, go on and smash it."
"Heh! You think I won't?"
Well, he's cornered, so I suppose he will.
"If I smash it, just what exactly do you plan to tell its rightful owners, hmm?! Wahahaha!"
What would I say? Oh, I don't know — explain the situation, hand them a different piece? Maybe toss in some tea and snacks, and they'd probably thank me on the way out?
"What was that? Sit down. Let's have a little chat."
Chasing down every last one of these fences one by one is just too much legwork.
"All of you, get out! Actually — no, you stay, everyone else out!"
"Me? Why?"
"What a fetching little wench you are! Heh heh heh."
"Ugh."
Shame he wasn't clutching anything valuable to use as leverage.
Clink.
"Hm? What's that?"
"Mm. An excellent conversation tool. Have you ever seen one before?"
"Never? Is it a new product? Looks dreadfully refined — must have cost a fortune?"
Hm? Doesn't it, though? My custom revolver really is a thing of beauty. But this isn't the kind of conversation tool he thinks it is.
BANG.
"AAAAAAGH!"
Crash!
I put a lead slug right into the arm of Mr. Kobayashi, who was visibly struggling under the weight of the teaware box.
What a piercing scream. And naturally, the teaware shattered into pieces too.
"Gwaaaagh! It hurts! IT HURTS! No! The teaware!"
So much drama. Now he's scrambling to gather the shattered pieces with a hole in his hand.
"Well, maybe if you'd listened the first time?"
"Do you have any idea what this is worth?!"
"To you, sure, it's precious. To me? Not so much. Now stop the bleeding before you make a mess."
This is the trouble with a spectacle this big — the moment anyone gets hit, the wounds look catastrophic.
Blood's pumping out of him, no exaggeration... I was honestly getting worried about exsanguination.
Clink, clank, clink, clank.
"Wh-what now!"
"..."
Our staff are going to stop the bleeding for you. It'll hurt a bit, so bear with it? Any lasting disability is, well, beyond our control.
"Urk! UAAAAAGH!"
This business called "first aid" tends to hurt far more than anyone imagines. And in cases of heavy bleeding like his, doubly so.
They stuffed cloth into the wound and just cinched it tight. Ugh, gives me shivers.
"Y-you wench! Do you know who stands behind me! You think you'll walk away unscathed from this?!"
"You'll be fine. So why don't you tell us who put you up to it?"
There's no question that one or several daimyo are mixed up in this.
Beating them to a pulp would be the satisfying option, no?
"..."
"You really should talk. Otherwise you'll suffer endlessly without even the mercy of dying."
Once the Holy Water torture begins, it's truly game over. As long as it's not the kind that makes you bleed, a man can survive even when his body's been turned to a rag.
The gentlest method is hanging them up and negotiating with fists.
That endless cascade of violence really does break people. And our girls' punches need to hit a little harder for it to work properly.
"Let's make this easy. You're going to talk either way."
"..."
"Mm... Looks like you're choosing the hard road."
We'll have to wait a bit, I suppose. His family's done nothing wrong, after all.
"Girls, if you would."
"Yes, ma'am!"
So he thought he was the only one who got to play that game. Too bad. Solidarity in suffering is the house policy here...
"Don't come near me!"
"..."
When someone that tall and broad-shouldered walks toward you in full armor, it's genuinely terrifying. And Japanese men run so short.
Apparently, with no Baekje refugees here and no captives hauled in from overseas raids, no decent genes ever made it into the pool.
"Alright! I'll talk! I'll talk!"
"..."
"I said I'd talk! Wait — where are you going?!"
Mm. He had his one chance, so now it was time for a brief, gentle session of remedial education?
Mr. Kobayashi, dragged away looking utterly pitiful, came back out about thirty minutes later?
"Sniff... hic."
Why is he sobbing like that? Does it hurt that much? I don't see any bones broken and re-set anywhere?
Oh? Something sharp is stuck to the girls' gloves? And there's blood on them too...
"There, there. A grown man shouldn't cry like that."
"No... sir..."
"Aww. Look how sweet and obedient you are now!"
"Thank you... for your mercy..."
Imagine how much nicer this would all have been if you'd just cooperated from the start?
"Now then — shall we hear about who put you up to this?"
"Tachibana, from beyond the eastern mountains. Tachibana ordered it."
"Hm? Aren't they doing rather well for themselves?"
Isn't that basically a state? It was the old capital, too, so I recall it being quite prosperous.
"I don't know the reasons, truly..."
"Hmmmm..."
"I really don't know! Please spare me! I'll do anything!"
Oh? So he hadn't been frowning at me after all? He'd just been mulling over why it all happened, and I'd scowled without thinking — and apparently scared him half to death?
"Mm. Well then — bring me more fences like you, and I'll pay you for every one."
"...What?"
"Catch your fellow fences and bring them in."
No need for me to go hunting them myself, right? This underworld knows its own business far better than we do?
Leave the work to the experts — that's what I was taught.
"Uh... how much?"
"Mm. You seemed fond of the teacups. Shall I pay you in teaware?"
"Gahk!"
Huh? Aren't you a little too delighted? I'm telling you, that stuff is a hundred won a set?
And I can't exactly say that out loud. Infuriating.
"Would these be genuine, certified pieces?"
"Yep. Bring me enough, and I'll give you all you want."
"Huuuagh!"
He's about to have a heart attack, isn't he?
"But if you make up lies and drag in innocent people instead... hmm..."
"Gulp..."
"Ah! I'll have your whole family dragged in too — the ones who got hauled off earlier — and put through the same thing for about ten years straight."
"KYEAAAAH—!"
What? Girls, what did you do to make him roll his eyes back and faint?
Hm? He's avoiding my gaze? Something truly horrifying must have happened in there...
Well, as long as it works.
"Somebody stay behind, and once he comes to, drill into him again exactly what he needs to do. Then come home."
"Yes, ma'am!"
"These clothes are unbearable. Time to head back."
From here, the machinery turns itself.
Auto-hunting is the best.