Ego and Equilibrium
“……”
The feeling was strange. Nothing like when I had thrown the knights to the ants. There was no small thrill of satisfaction, no dark sense of fulfillment. Only emptiness.
Ever since I came of age, I had never once entertained the foolish notion of making a name for myself in the world. At the academy, no one except Rowell and Julian had truly acknowledged me. Even during our journey to save the world, people remembered Rowell and the others far more quickly, loudly, and importantly than they ever remembered me.
It had been inevitable, and I had never resented it.
So why now?
Sokren’s gang had been different from the knights. Even setting aside the fact that they had tried to lure me into a trap, they had been rude—petty, foolish, and presumptuous. They mocked me and dared to insult my companions, so I made them pay the price.
But these people were different. They had not been rude. If anything, they had simply been convinced I was a fraud because they believed the Hero’s companions must be something grand and magnificent.
In other words, they had not mocked or insulted me or my companions. The irritation and anger I felt earlier had come solely from my own ego.
From nothing more than my pride. I had simply lashed out because of the disregard and ignorance directed at me.
Why?
Did I suddenly want recognition now? Did I want to be acknowledged?
Just because I happened to stand beside Rowell?
Ridiculous. My own contributions meant nothing.
Without Rowell, without the other companions, none of it would have been possible. And yet, even without me, it all could have been accomplished just the same. Anyone could have done it. There was no part that belonged only to me.
Knowing this, did I still covet it now?
Even after claiming Denatel’s space and setting aside countless treasures as my share?
“How utterly insignificant. Nothing but insignificant.”
At my muttered words, the horse suddenly grew restless. It had remained calm amid the surrounding crowd and the chill of Niflheim, but now it stamped its hooves and let out a low whinny.
“It’s all right. Easy now.”
When I tugged lightly on the reins, the horse soon settled. It really was a fine horse.
“…Let’s go.”
After that, I drove the carriage while trying to push unnecessary thoughts from my mind. Leaving the white moon and Yenril Saruturus behind, I focused only on the small light floating just ahead.
Normally I would have let the horse rest once we were a little farther from Amusbian, but I could not go see her like this.
She would surely notice my unease.
…I still could not tell exactly what feelings or intentions she held toward me.
Whether they were petty delusions or cold reality, excessive blessings or cruel deception—I could not know which had been given to me.
Therefore, I could not know whether she would worry, grow curious, or even take pleasure in seeing me like this.
Only one thing was certain: none of it was welcome.
What I needed now was balance.
Only a few days—mere days since parting from Rowell—and I had already lost it.
Though my daily life had remained unchanged in the years since the Great War, my mind and emotions had stayed peaceful, disturbed only by occasional small ripples.
But now it was different. The ripples came more frequently and grew larger.
The reason was simple.
Here, there was no radiant sun, beautiful moon, or righteous star to drive the darkness trying to surface back into the depths. Instead, only insects that would feast upon it fluttered about.
So I had to maintain my own balance. I had to force that thing raising its head without knowing its place back beneath the surface. If I did not, the one who would sink would be me.
“……”
I did not know how much time had passed. Only when the once-energetic horse began to show signs of fatigue and the aimless thoughts cluttering my mind had somewhat subsided did I finally lift my head to look at the sky.
“Whoa, whoa.”
I pulled the reins and brought the horse to a stop. Both of us needed rest now.
“You’ve worked hard. Get some rest.”
After driving a small stake into the ground, I unhitched the horse from the wagon. It scratched the earth with its hoof for a moment as if relieved, then walked over to the stake and lay down on its belly. It seemed it had been tired after all, even if it had not shown it.
“Rest well.”
Though it no longer seemed necessary, I still tied the horse to the stake and scattered Sandman’s sand around it before casting a barrier. Since this area was one of the routes leading to Amusbian, there might be thieves or passing travelers, so I paid extra attention to the barrier.
“See you later, then.”
Returning to the wagon, I took out the crystal from my coat. When I activated it with a slightly increased mana output, the wagon and I were already inside Denatel’s Library.
“Welcome back!”
Despite the late hour, she greeted me far more brightly than usual. If this was not a masterful performance, then yesterday’s events must have truly pleased her.
“I take it everything went well?”
She spoke while glancing at the wagon and the luggage loaded on it.
“Yes, it did. There were a few troublesome matters here and there, but I also got to meet my academy senior after a long time and received a nice gift.”
“What is it?”
“Antares.”
“Antares? Zeka’s adjutant?”
Ah, right. That had been his name too. No wonder I had laughed without meaning to when he first introduced himself after dragging me into that alternate space.
“No, no. It’s the name of a wine. I’ve liked it since my academy days, and he still remembered.”
“Wine? Alcohol? What do you people even find so delicious about that bitter stuff?”
She asked in genuine confusion. It made sense. Demons were closer to spiritual beings like spirits or gods than to ordinary living creatures. They had no need to consume food, and even if they did for amusement, it converted into energy almost instantly. In other words, no matter how potent the poison, it had no effect on them—and naturally, no matter how strong the drink, they never got drunk.
To those who could not become intoxicated, alcohol was merely bitter water with a faint trace of another flavor mixed in. Nothing more, nothing less.
“The taste Rofena is thinking of and the taste of alcohol are slightly different concepts. It’s more like a form of entertainment permitted only to the incomplete.”
“I don’t understand.”
Of course she wouldn’t. The act of numbing and dulling a part of oneself to draw out the incomplete fragments and the sides one had desperately tried to hide. The act of further dragging one’s imperfect self down. A foolish self-consolation that only mortals engaged in. There was no way she could understand something like that.
“So. What kind of person is this senior of yours?”
“He’s an extraordinary man. Brilliant, handsome, and well-liked. If I had to compare him to someone, he’s similar to Rowell. A person like the sun.”
Far too dazzling a person.
…Haah. If only he were not a man.
“You two must have been quite close.”
“We shared a room in the dormitory. He was the only one at the academy, aside from Rowell, who treated me well.”
Though there had been a bit too much of it.
“And you weren’t exactly thrilled about that, were you?”
My expression stiffened before I could stop it. Seeing the flash of dismay on my face, she smiled in satisfaction.
“…Well, to some extent.”
At this point, hiding it was pointless.
“But how did you know?”
“Your face hardened a little when you talked about him. But what exactly is that feeling? It doesn’t seem like dislike. It’s a mix of fear, gratitude, longing… and maybe a bit of regret.”
Was I really the kind of person whose expressions were so easy to read? No, that could not be. In the past, I had placed second in a poker tournament hosted by the academy student council. Except for one person, no one—not even Rowell—had been able to tell whether I had a good hand or was bluffing.
Incidentally, the one exception, the person who took first place, had been Julian. He had seen through almost all of my hands, and I had never been able to beat him.
“If I had to put it precisely… all of them, I suppose.”
“Oh? Now I’m curious to meet him.”
Please spare me that.
“I doubt there will be an opportunity.”
She would never leave this place, and I would never bring him here. Even if such a chance existed, I wanted to avoid letting the two of them meet if at all possible.
“Could you wait a moment? I need to focus.”
Following my gesture, strange characters and lights rose into the air. The conversation would have to end here. Continuing it would only lead to unpleasant topics, and the night was already growing late. I did not have enough time to layer the barriers and go to sleep.
The lights and characters that had floated in the air engraved themselves onto my body, then repeated the process. After some time had passed and I had finished layering the sixth barrier and was preparing the seventh, she—who had been silently watching until then—spoke up as if she had had enough.
“Do you even realize that with just the Janus talisman you’re wearing right now, you could easily block several high-level spells I might seriously cast?”
Of course I did. It would take time to reactivate, but for a certain period, it would provide sufficient defense even against her.
“Yes, I am aware.”
“And yet you’re still going to layer seven barriers?”
I admitted it. The fact that I layered barriers like a compulsion had been something I had heard countless times since the Great War.
“Of course.”
Following my gesture, lights and characters rose into the air once more. Even if it was a compulsion, it did not matter. It was thanks to that very thing that I was still alive.
“…If my memory serves me right, you fought perfectly well even without those equipped barriers. When the Flame Legion and I launched an all-out assault on Tokle Castle overnight, you alone defended the northern gate.”
“Not entirely alone. There was a garrison.”
“Right. There were those who would have been wiped out within ten minutes of the battle starting if you hadn’t been there.”
She was not wrong. The regular army of Tokle Castle had already been deployed to the front lines, leaving only retired veterans who had taken up swords again, wounded soldiers who could not leave, and volunteer militias.
They could never have stood against the Flame Legion, one of the five legions directly under the Demon King’s commanders.
“Even so, the Flame Legion Commander attacked the southern gate, didn’t you? And because you attacked honestly from the front gate side, we were able to hold you off.”
“Hmph. Underhanded tactics like ambushes or diversions simply don’t suit my nature.”
She said it proudly, but for a legion commander leading a great army to call strategy and tactics cowardly was something that would have made me sigh if I were the Demon King. Then again, that was probably why things had ended up this way.
I felt sorry for her, but perhaps it was only natural that she had come to this. Though her power as a high-ranking demon was certainly immense, what a commander needed was not simply strength.
Even if that strength was so overwhelming that she alone could easily erase one or two castles from the map.