Shadows in the Light
“Anak, as I told you back then, it’s all right to show your true feelings a little more to the people who care about you.”
A voice that seeped straight into the heart, that gentle expression, and a heart utterly free of pretense or hypocrisy.
Yes. That was precisely why they were special, the absolute, unbridgeable difference between them and me.
Rowell was the same. Those who were truly exceptional, those who were truly worthy, never realized how remarkable they were.
Only the common sort of genius, those who merely possessed talent and skill, believed themselves special.
They carried light, yet they were nothing more than fireflies. Clinging to their feeble glow, drunk on it, they mocked others still lost in the dark while trying to find their own way.
But those who were truly exceptional, those who were truly worthy, never thought themselves special. They were the sun. Around them, darkness simply did not exist. So they blazed with brilliant light, erasing the dark and carving paths for those who followed, all while remaining unaware of their own radiance.
In their eyes, everyone else shone just as brightly as they did.
“You really haven’t changed at all, Senior.”
That was why I could never reveal what lay inside me. If I did, they would finally illuminate even my darkest corners and see everything exactly as it was.
“You’re still far too dazzling.”
Merely knowing something vaguely was nothing like confronting it in full. Even if they saw my petty darkness, their attitude and our relationship might not change much, but it could never be the same as before.
To me, their eyes were beautiful mirrors that beautified my reflection. The idealized image they showed me was the best possible outcome, the most correct guide I could follow.
The moment that reflection changed, the moment my true self appeared in all its ugliness, I too would see it, and I would be left standing frozen, lost.
“…That hurts more than any rejection I’ve ever heard from you, Anak.”
His eyes, gazing down at me as he spoke softly, were filled with a mixture of pity and sorrow. I knew that look. During the Great War, whenever I was forced to bear the title of Second-Best Strategist, Medrup and Lauti had looked at me with exactly those eyes.
“……”
Then, after watching me in silence for a moment, he changed his expression and drained the rest of his drink in one go. Quite a bit had still remained in the glass, something he would never have done under normal circumstances. After emptying every last drop, he smiled brightly and spoke with forced cheer.
“But it’s fine. Even if you never change, we’ll always be by your side.”
That was exactly why they were so blinding.
“I’m truly honored.”
We. Did he mean Rowell and himself?
“Of course, I’d rather be your lover than your friend.”
…I would have preferred it if you were a woman instead of a man.
Just then, footsteps approached from outside, followed by the clear chime of a bell.
“Ah, come in!”
It was the bell at the entrance.
At Julian’s permission, the curtain lifted and the man who had first guided me inside entered, bowing deeply.
“What is it?”
“Well, the payment for the horses you brought has been prepared, but we weren’t sure how to deliver it…”
He kept glancing toward me, clearly gauging my reaction. Now that he knew my identity and my relationship with Julian, he was probably worried about how he had behaved earlier.
There was no need. He hadn’t been rude, and by my standards, he had actually been quite accommodating.
“We’ve prepared the payment for the horses Lord Anak brought. How would you like it handled…?”
When he lifted the curtain slightly and pointed behind him, a wooden crate sat there, visibly heavy even at a glance. He opened it just enough to reveal it was packed full of white coins used across the Twelve Kingdoms and Two Empires.
“My apologies. For private transactions, cash payment is standard, so we prepared it this way for now…”
Horses were expensive animals. Especially well-trained ones. But this much?
I remembered that these white coins held considerable value. They couldn’t compare to silver or gold, of course, but a single pouch full would let commoners live comfortably for a month if they were careful. Yet here was an entire crate stuffed with them?
Had the currency’s value changed while I was away?
“Would you prefer we prepare a promissory note instead?”
Interpreting my silence differently, he carefully watched my expression.
“No, that won’t be necessary. Anak prefers cash.”
It was Julian who reassured him.
“Sorry. I know you would have preferred gold or silver, but in Amusbian, the pel has been designated as the common currency.”
So the pel was the name for those white coins.
“No, that’s fine. But were horses really this expensive these days?”
“Hm? This is the normal price now. After the Great War, many fine stallions disappeared, so prices rose. For high-quality mounts, this is the current market rate.”
…My decision had been excellent. If I had simply released them or fed them to the demon insects, I would have regretted it deeply.
“Then I’ll load everything onto a cart and attach it to the horses so you can take it easily.”
“Ah, while you’re at it, prepare a few bottles of Antares as well. It’s a gift from me.”
“Understood, my lady.”
The man bowed politely and left the tent. I found myself wondering how he had carried such a heavy crate without making a sound. Just as the curtain fell, the silence returned as if by magic.
It wasn’t merely quiet movement. The distance from here to the entrance wasn’t far, and even if the space was enclosed, it was only fabric. The clinking of coins or the scrape of the crate against the ground should have been audible.
“Don’t tell me the entire tent has soundproofing magic on it, Senior?”
“Yes. I had it commissioned from the mages’ workshop affiliated with the Sage’s Tower in Mendul.”
As expected of the Sage’s Tower. Military-grade soundproof tents were relatively common, but most had complex magical formulas densely engraved across the walls. To embed the magic so seamlessly that no trace remained was impressive dedication.
“In other words, no one outside can hear whatever happens in here.”
So please don’t say things like that with that look and that tone, Senior.
“…There’s no need to be that alarmed.”
Ah. I had flinched without realizing it.
“Then please keep the jokes to a reasonable level, Senior.”
“All right, I will.”
He tilted the bottle and refilled my glass. I had only taken occasional small sips, yet the glass was nearly empty again.
“But really, Anak, what’s going on? Suddenly coming to Amusbian to sell horses…”
His gaze had changed. Warmth and gentleness still lingered in his eyes, but they had grown far calmer, now demanding that I tell him everything.
“You didn’t even bring Rowell, and you’re hiding your identity. This isn’t something ordinary.”
“I wasn’t hiding my identity. I simply…”
“You didn’t reveal it either. And you weren’t only trying to hide from me, were you?”
He cut me off at exactly the right moment. My attempt to gather my thoughts and steady myself was blocked at the source.
Left with no choice, I forced myself to keep my eyes from wavering.
“There it is again, that serious expression.”
That had been a mistake. I rarely made such slips these days. Had a few sips of alcohol really affected me that much?
“Is it something painful you’re dealing with alone again?”
I had completely missed the timing to lie. He was certain. That pitying gaze and voice had already ensnared me.
“It isn’t like that.”
He didn’t believe me.
“I’m only trying to finish what I couldn’t finish before.”
I forced a smile. Not to deceive him or change the subject. It was a white flag. And a plea for him to ask no more.
“…All right. I understand.”
As expected, he recognized my intent and didn’t press further. However—
“Whatever it is, if you believe it’s something you must do, then you should do it. And I have no right to force you to speak when you don’t want to.”
He sealed the bottle again and cleared his own glass. The meeting was over. It also meant he was slightly upset.
“But Anak, have you ever considered this? No matter why you came here, the reason you keep failing to hide properly whenever you end up here and talking like this is because, deep down, you actually want help. That you’re not at fault, that you don’t want to be hurt. Isn’t that what your heart has been crying out for without you even realizing it?”
“……”
I couldn’t say anything. Yes, perhaps that was true. Perhaps that was the most rational explanation for this string of uncharacteristic choices.
Yes. There was nothing wrong with that. It was only natural for an incomplete, weak person like me to cling to the sun, even unconsciously.
Even so, it was still nothing more than proof of my own weakness and foolishness.
Perhaps asking Rowell or Julian for help would be the right thing to do. If it were them, they would surely resolve this matter far more beautifully and peacefully than I ever could.
They had solved most problems that way, no matter what they were.
But not this. This could never be resolved beautifully or peacefully. If it were Rowell or Julian, they would either suffer far more than I would, or they would inevitably have to mix a small contradiction into their own brilliance and righteousness.
That must never happen. They had to remain righteous and beautiful at all times. Not even the smallest contradiction or shadow could be allowed to touch them.
All such darkness and contradiction belonged to me alone.
“……”
“……”
After that, we simply looked at each other in silence. Several times his lips twitched as if he wanted to speak, but in the end he said nothing.
Then, much later, word came that the cart had been loaded with the Antares and the crate. He rose from his seat.
“I was truly glad to see you again today, Anak. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. But I think this is where we part for now.”
His eyes wavered slightly with regret, yet his demeanor remained firm.
“…I was glad to see you as well, Senior.”
I stood as well and offered him a light bow. My feelings were complicated. Leaving early would have been better for keeping to my schedule, and I hadn’t come here to meet him in the first place, but being dismissed like this was still unpleasant.
“Then let’s meet again another time.”
It wasn’t entirely empty words. After seeing him today, meeting like this wouldn’t be much of a problem as long as we didn’t have to share a room at night.
“Yes. Next time, I’ll come find you. I’d like to see Rowell’s face too.”
If possible, please don’t come wearing a skirt. Rowell’s shock would be secondary; if you played any tricks on him in that form, Aegina’s iron fist would land squarely in his stomach before any explanations could be given.
I offered him a faint smile, bowed once more, and left the tent.