Tears Beneath the Stars
“…It’s getting late. Shall we head back? We’re meeting again tomorrow anyway.”
I had no idea how to respond. This was a situation I had never encountered before. Usually, I was the one hesitating and overthinking things, not him.
“Senior.”
“Yes?”
I was not Rowell or any of our other companions. I did not know how to say the perfect words for the moment, the warm words that touched the heart, or the wise words that offered guidance. Or rather, it was not that I did not know how—it simply did not suit me. Any clumsy imitation would only obscure the truth, and my own words were far too inadequate to convey genuine feeling.
“I do not know what troubles you, but if you truly value me, you may rely on me. As you know, I am reasonably capable in my own way.”
That was all I could say. The words felt painfully insufficient and dry, and even I found them lacking. I felt pathetic for uttering them. Yet—
“……”
The moment my plain words ended, a single tear slipped from his left eye and traced down his cheek, as if against his will.
Then, as though something had burst open, he began to sob. His beautiful face crumpled, and tears streamed endlessly from both eyes.
“Senior……?”
He buried himself in my arms and wept. He poured out a tangled storm of sorrow, joy, grief, and gratitude, crying into my chest.
“……”
Feeling his tears soak into my clothes, I stood frozen, unsure what to do. I could not understand why he was crying, nor which of my words had carried such power to unleash such intense emotion.
I looked up at the distant night sky, at the countless stars scattered across it. It felt unreal, as though I were dreaming.
“…Yes. Yes, it is all right. Everything is fine.”
A little late, I gently patted his back. Thanks to the inner garment Dawn had given me, the tears had not spread too far, but my outer shirt was already soaked through, and his crying showed no sign of stopping.
What on earth had happened? What could possibly make him cry like this?
Even during the Great War, I had heard occasional news about the Kruse Merchant Coalition. While land routes were heavily restricted by the conflict, their powerful naval fleet had allowed them to dominate maritime trade almost single-handedly among the great merchant houses. As a result, they had suffered almost no damage from the war. On the contrary, by providing extensive supplies and safe passage to the allied forces and refugees, the Coalition’s reputation had only grown.
Given his brilliance since our academy days, it was hard to imagine he faced any serious problems. If there were any, the lack of rumors suggested it was likely a private family matter. Had someone in his family fallen ill?
His mother? Or his father? Or perhaps some complicated, hidden family secret?
“…Hic, hup. Ah, aah……”
Watching his trembling shoulders and hearing his quiet sobs, I momentarily forgot that he was a man. I wrapped my arms around him gently. Whether because of that or because he had simply cried all he could, his weeping gradually subsided.
After some time, once he had calmed, he lifted his head from my embrace. His eyes and entire face were wet with tears, yet they held apology, joy, and a trace of hope.
I carefully released him and reached for a handkerchief in my pocket, only to realize it was already damp.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“…Y-yes.”
An awkward silence passed. He stepped back slightly, then took out the mirror—only to drop it face-down on the ground without even looking at it. He stared quietly at my face and my soaked shirt before lowering his head deeply.
“…I’m sorry, Anak. You had to see me in such an unsightly state.”
“Not at all, Senior. There is no need to apologize……”
“Thank you.”
Those few words, spoken with heartfelt sincerity, pierced straight through me. Such a simple phrase, yet I found myself unable to say anything more, simply gazing at his face.
“You have no idea what it means to me that you said those things.”
He wiped his tears and offered a bright smile. Though his eyes were slightly red, he had returned to his usual graceful and cheerful self.
“Let’s go down. It’s very late.”
He picked up the mirror again and moved to walk past me. I instinctively grabbed his arm.
“…Will you not tell me what is truly going on?”
Normally, I would not have pressed further. If he chose not to speak, there must be a reason, and knowing might only burden him. But I could not simply let this pass. It was Julian who had shown such vulnerability. This was no ordinary matter.
“……”
He stopped, his arm still in my grasp. I could not see his face, but through the arm I held, I felt his hesitation and inner turmoil.
“…Let go, Anak.”
His voice trembled slightly, yet it was firm.
“But, Senior.”
“…You did not say anything last time either.”
At those words, my grip loosened. He was right. I had not spoken then either. It was unfair to demand he speak now. I released his arm. A wave of regret washed over me immediately, but it was already too late to take it back.
He took a few more steps away, then turned to look at me.
“…Not now, Anak. Later. Well, maybe later things will be different, but at least not today.”
His calm words sounded as though they were meant not only for me, but for himself—or someone else.
“Shall we go? We have to meet early tomorrow too.”
Faced with his forced bright smile and words, I nodded. Since he had made his intentions clear, I had no choice but to respect them.
“Understood, Senior.”
I quietly followed behind him as he began walking ahead. Neither of us spoke further. We returned to the inn in an awkward silence. Due to Julian’s strong insistence and the fact that this was the best inn in the village, we had ended up with rooms in the same building.
“…See you tomorrow.”
In front of his room, he gave a brief farewell and disappeared inside. He did not even make his usual lighthearted jokes. I wondered if I should have pressed him harder, but the door had already closed.
* * *
“What are you doing, Juli! Why did you not say anything back then!”
Inside the mirror, Demian shouted at her the moment she entered the room. He had been urging her to confess ever since they left the hill, but Juliana had ignored him the entire time.
“Anak went that far for you! That was practically a confession!”
“Be quiet, Brother. You have been shouting so much that I could not change the atmosphere at all.”
She walked over to the bed and lay down. Her face was flushed, as if she were reliving the moment.
“It is because you said nothing! You have always been so forward with your affection, so why pull back at the most important moment? You could have at least kissed him!”
Though Demian could not fully grasp the situation from inside the mirror, he had heard her crying in Anak’s arms for a long time, as well as Anak’s soothing words.
“…You really do not understand a woman’s heart, do you, Brother?”
She raised one arm to cover her eyes and face.
“Have you forgotten that this body belongs to you? Did you really think I would let Anak kiss you?”
“We are twins. We are practically the same.”
“We are not!”
Demian could sense the anxiety and fear hidden beneath her words.
“…You know it too. Anak would understand.”
“How can you be sure!”
Normally, she would lower her voice to avoid being overheard, but this time she shouted without thinking.
“What if he finds it disgusting that his lover’s younger sister shares her brother’s body? And it has been nearly twenty years. Twenty years! There is still no cure, and we do not even know when I might die!”
“You will get better! You definitely will! Once this matter is settled, the Yellow Sage has agreed to visit personally!”
“That is exactly why I cannot say anything! What if even the Yellow Sage cannot find a cure? If someone who has transcended human limits cannot find one, then what? That would mean there is truly no hope left!”
“Juli!”
She stood up and walked quickly toward the mirror.
“Yes. Anak would surely understand. He would pity me and care for me even more than before. But that would be the end of it!”
Demian saw the anxiety and fear in her eyes as she faced him. He also saw the sorrow beneath it, and deeper still, the resentment. Why did it have to be like this? Why had this fate been given to her? In those noble, beautiful eyes, the darkness she had long suppressed was beginning to surface.
“Besides, the person Anak sees is not me. The one he knew at the academy was not Juliana, but Julian. Someone created by you and me together—not the real me!”
She raised her arm. Her fist was clenched as though she might smash the mirror, but in the end, she lowered it.
“…Brother. Do you know what I was thinking while I was crying in Anak’s arms earlier?”
Her voice was so self-loathing that Demian could not answer.
“I wished that I was not the one who was sick. I wished it was you instead. I thought that if I could share this body with you, then at least for now, I wanted to be by Anak’s side as a real woman, with my own body!”
“Juli, that is only natural! If I were in your position, I would definitely……”
“No. You would never have thought that, Brother. Even if you did, you would not have wished for it so strongly or sincerely. And the Julian Anak knows would never have such thoughts.”
“……”
Demian could say nothing. He knew her anxiety had been growing over the years, and he knew she felt uneasy watching their family’s excitement and hope at the news that the Yellow Sage would visit. But she had always endured it well, so he had never brought it up. Instead, he had tried to be considerate in his own way. That was why he had accompanied her on this business trip—to keep her away from home until Medrup’s visit.
However, this sudden meeting with Anak, and the way he had acted earlier, seemed to have stripped her of her usual composure and balance.
“I am not the person he thinks I am. If I cannot even be his lover or the ideal senior, then what can I possibly be to him?”
At his sister’s pitiful question and sad smile, Demian instinctively reached out, but his hand could not pass through the mirror.