Taking a Moment to Organize My Thoughts (1)
After getting home, I immediately wiped off my makeup and showered. While still damp, I slathered on body oil, spritzed some mist, and stepped out of the bathroom.
Press the hair firmly to wring out the moisture...
"Ah, right. Almost forgot the hair essence... When did they say to apply this one?"
It's a routine I have to repeat every single day, but with so many products, I always mix up the order.
Sitting at the vanity, I started with the lightest skin essence, then used the dropper to dab on the next one, gently patting it into my skin.
Now finish with the moisturizing cream...
After that, I lightly tapped eye cream around my eyes and brushed lip sleeping mask onto my lips with the applicator.
"And the blow dryer is my specialty... Huff, good thing it's just a bob."
Once skincare was done, I used the cool setting on the blow dryer, starting from my scalp and drying thoroughly. By the time my arm started aching, I set it down for a break, flipped on the TV to some random channel, and finished drying my hair while mentally recapping the day.
Jun Cheong-jin the hunter—if only all customers were like him. His speech was a bit creepy...
His speech was... well, not just a bit—it was cringe-inducing from some middle-aged guy. But the fact that he didn't make any weird demands of the girls already made him top-tier.
First was a place where Madam Heo Eun-seo strictly enforced the final line, but even so, the sky-high prices meant customers often came up with all sorts of outrageous requests. I've shelled out this much cash, so treat me like a king! That primal male urge directed at girls who looked—and actually were—expensive had to be endured in silence.
Eomo had told me that female hunters, given the physically demanding nature of the job, frequented these places too... But unlike the fantasies newbie girls often had about fellow women hunters, sitting at their tables didn't make things any better. If anything, those women—being women themselves—picked the most humiliating acts to demand, savoring that twisted sense of conquest as they crushed their opponents. It was how they vented the stress from risking their lives at work. That's why most girls actually preferred the straightforward, lust-driven uncles.
Of course, the absolute favorites were handsome celebrities or hunters... Even I, who only came to First for three days of training, saw a girl stuffing cash into her bra to go on a second round with a hot hunter.
Ugh... Just seeing that savoring gaze handsome hunters have makes me want to gouge their eyes out...
Was it Jeong Ga-eun's trauma from getting cum-splashed by an absolute stunner? Now, I harbored such intense loathing for handsome hunters that even murderous impulses flickered at the sight of them.
I could treat regular guys as just customers regardless of looks, but those hunters' signature arrogance was impossible to stomach. If there's any silver lining, it's that my pathetic F-rank killing intent was so undetectable—as long as I didn't make eye contact—no one would sense it.
Well, girls can swap rooms anyway... If a handsome hunter shows up, I'll grab any girl and beg to switch. Eomo said some even pay to do it...
This was possible thanks to First's no-nomination system. Unlike typical spots where customers picked their girls, all the ladies at First were ace-level from other places, so they skipped nominations entirely. Room swaps happened all the time because of it.
Should I ask to swap for a pretty noona? Nah... I think pretty ones are the most dangerous type...
Lost in such pointless thoughts, it hit me: Is this the loneliness of a lounge girl...?
Ah, whatever. Even at home, I'm stuck thinking like this... Better figure out what to do next.
At least today's earnings bought me another month.
Ugh, 2 million in cash, and even with Coupang gigs, that's just one month... Isn't wiping out money woes a possession cliché?
As a half-baked possessor with no clue about the future, I obviously had zero hot stock tips. If there was one surefire winner, it'd be the guild the protagonist founded... but
Ha, it's already skyrocketed. Five guildmates in their early twenties, all awakeners, all S-rank potential... Of course it's booming.
As the protagonist, it'd climb even higher, but story-wise, his party had two years of trials ahead—no jumping in now.
That's when the TV blared a breaking news alert.
Bet it's that bastard...
A sudden wave of terror crashed over me. I bolted up like I was having a fit and smashed the power button on the remote as if to shatter it.
I wasn't usually this bad...
With hope rising that I could escape the debt, my fear of Heo Jin-woo had only intensified in response.
The over 1 billion in private loans hanging over me... It was relentlessly despairing, but there was hope.
Flirting cutely with men, letting them grope me stickily, fulfilling their pervy demands... Of course it felt unjust. Disgusting. I wanted to die right then and there. The terror kept me up at night, just to delay tomorrow.
I desperately wanted to stretch this one-week grace period. If not for these tangled human knots, I might've used Eomo's wish ticket the second I got it.
But... there was still hope. It would end someday. Not take forever, either.
Above all, I had Seo-yeon.
This guilt—now indistinguishable from my own emotions—would never forgive abandoning her twice. So this sudden terror at hearing Heo Jin-woo's name on TV wasn't just the guilt.
Handing my still-unweaned daughter to others—his parents, who'd raised me—no other choice pushed me to my limits already... But that final thing Jeong Ga-eun heard from him in their last meeting... That soberly unbearable phrase resurfaced, hollowing me out.
How much longer until I can bring Seo-yeon home...?
Thinking of leaving her always felt like my heart was being wrung out.
Even so... not now. I had to hustle two jobs to pay off the debt first—I couldn't even raise my own daughter alone.
Now that I was earning decently, I'd love to live with the couple raising her in my home... but I had some shame left; I didn't want to burden them more. And if the protagonist found out how he'd react... honestly, no clue.
They called it "fostering," but... Is "fostering" even a nice word? Ugh...
Anyway... In the novel, it seemed like he supported their relationship, saying they suited each other. But at that point, Jeong Ga-eun and the protagonist weren't broken up yet.
So was he thrilled to pass trash to trash, or genuinely cheering his childhood friend's romance...? Logically the former, but the description leaned toward the latter.
Either way, swamped as I was, he probably had no idea his parents were raising Jeong Ga-eun's kid... But if he did, I couldn't be there.
The protagonist wasn't a pushover, but he was a solid good guy—no way he'd harm a lone child. Or hurt his ex and childhood friend working at a lounge over something like that...
But if he saw me blissfully living with his parents...? Who knows what I'd face.
Best case, I'd get kicked out with the baby. Worst case... well...
"Ah... ah, huff... Why am I crying out of nowhere? What do I even have to be proud of...?"
At that thought, tears flowed despite my resolve.
My mind endlessly rationalized it as best for Seo-yeon too, but to secure my own safety from uncertain risks... I'd handed my daughter to others.
That pitiful mother-daughter image would protect their lives even in the worst scenarios—or so I believed. I couldn't deny it; that was my conclusion.
To Jeong Ga-eun, herself wasn't worth calculating—she'd accept any shadow if it was for her daughter. But as not-quite-Jeong Ga-eun, I'd stained half of myself with my own safety too.
Working while others sleep, maybe I really was just a shadow now.
"Hoo... Calm down. It's the best. No matter how I think, it's the best... Huff..."
"When Seo-yeon grows up... will she even call me Mom...?"
The ugliness wafting from my own thoughts sparked unbearable self-loathing.
The moment I finished those calculations and left my daughter, it wasn't Jeong Ga-eun's choice anymore—it was purely mine.
"Haa... This is just... ugh... Sorry... Mommy's sorry, Seo-yeon..."
When truly sad, tears wash away the emotions... but mine felt like filthy sludge, adding grime.
The trails they left seemed like scars. The lotion smearing with each tear felt like paint muddying my heart.
Not fully Jeong Ga-eun, yet still her... With all lingering attachments to her life aimed at daughter Seo-yeon, half of me lived solely for her.
Jeong Ga-eun could've embraced any ugly shadow if it was for her child—even if it defined her entirely.
Not-Jeong Ga-eun, I'd tainted my remaining half with self-preservation too.
Heading to work as others slumber, maybe I truly was just a shadow.