A Refuge Without Words
For a short while after his trembling hands fumbled over Aria, the maids summoned by the butler bustled in and began clearing away the aftermath of the bile he'd brought up.
By the time the last of them had withdrawn and only the two of them remained in the Imperial Office, Aria finally spoke.
"I wonder what could have rattled you this badly, when you're usually so full of confidence."
She stood beside me, gently stroking my back. I couldn't bring myself to answer.
Because every time I lifted my head to meet her eyes, the image of that lovely face crumbling into bloody pieces rose unbidden, and the nausea threatened to surge all over again.
"Staring into my eyes and trying to empty your stomach the very moment you do — how terribly rude of you."
Letting out a sigh and pulling a baffled expression, Aria settled on the safest question she could find.
"Did I die in your dream?"
"……"
It was hardly accurate to call it a dream, but at the heart of that question lay the truth, and my whole body flinched.
"So it was right on the mark."
Of course, the future I would actually face — moving as I did after turning the results of my observation over and over in my mind — was surely different from what I'd seen. And yet the shock refused to fade.
Crack—!
"……"
What snapped me out of that shock's aftermath was her palm, slapping across my cheek in an instant.
"You're no child anymore. I don't know if that was truly a dream — but even if it was, it clearly wasn't just any dream, judging by this reaction of yours."
"……"
"You know, this side of you irritates me more than I can say."
The moment my strength drained away, Aria reached out and seized me by the collar. Then, handling me like a dog straining against its leash, she dragged me laboriously across the room, dumped me into a chair at the desk, and leaned down over me.
"If you're going to writhe through it all alone without saying a word, at least don't let it show on the outside."
The tone wasn't particularly raised, but it wasn't difficult to guess that Aria was angry with me. Perhaps because I hadn't seen her like this since we were children, it felt strangely unfamiliar.
"Lapis would have known just what to say to comfort you, but unfortunately I have no such talent, so I can't."
Climbing onto my lap, Aria gripped my chin and pinned my gaze firmly in place.
"If it's too much, you should know how to set it down. Why are you forcing yourself to carry it? The First Emperor's return, the apostle of a god — do you really think no one but you could shoulder any of it? Even the First Emperor didn't slay the Demon King alone. So stop striking these pathetic poses, as if you're some tragic hero burdened with a doomed fate."
Poking her fingers firmly into the space between my brows as she scolded me, she looked — just for a moment — less like a lover and more like an older sister, and an absurd laugh burst out of me.
It was true that my word list still had empty slots remaining. And those empty slots held the possibility of revealing what manner of death the Demon King had chosen.
It wasn't as if I believed the me of the observed future hadn't known that method either. But at the very least, the outcome that would unfold wouldn't be exactly identical — so it was too early to despair.
"Now that's a face I can tolerate."
I'd spent so much of my emotional reserves that I lacked even the strength to write a reply, so I answered with a faint smile instead.
"If, even after doing your very best, the picture that takes shape is one steeped in despair — don't worry."
"……"
"Because then, I'll smile and die alongside you."
Barely had I registered how very like her that form of comfort was when her soft lips pressed down on mine. I was still drowning in my flustered surprise, about to answer the kiss, when Aria pulled away at precisely that moment — wiping her lips with her sleeve as she rose to her feet.
"That's enough. Go on back. A little brother who had a nightmare is well past the age of clinging to his big sister, don't you think? It's no concern of mine, but I have Lapis's eyes to mind."
"……"
True enough — by now Lapis would have finished her duties and gone looking for me. I had caused such a scene that I'd even vomited; word would surely have reached her, and she'd be worried sick. And as Aria said, if I trembled with anxiety, it was the people around me who would suffer for it most.
"Remember that the people around you are striving, too, even where you can't see them."
"Thank you."
Adding a word for her to sleep well, I left the Imperial Office and made my way to the bath, washing up quickly. The moment I stepped out, I found Lapis in the corridor, breathing hard and ragged. She must have heard from the maids and come running in a panic.
Stroking her face, which was written over with worry, I led her into the bedchamber first.
"They s-said you were sick."
"Something I ate didn't sit well, I suppose."
"Are you all right?"
"I treated your illness too, remember. There's nothing wrong with my body."
After slowly soothing her considerable alarm, we lay down together on the bed. Ordinarily I would have gathered Lapis into my arms and drifted off, but for some reason tonight I wanted nothing more than to be held by her instead, and I clumsily worked my way over to bury my head against her full chest.
"……You look so tired."
The softness of her breasts and her scent — one that soothed a person's very mind — were immeasurably comforting. Surely she had a hundred questions she wanted to ask. But Lapis said nothing at all, only reached out both hands to draw my head tightly against her, indulging this childishness of mine.
*
"……"
Uncharacteristically, I had slept in. When I saw that the hour had crept past noon, I sat up. Only the faint warmth of her body and the lingering trace of her scent remained in Lapis's empty place beside me, and feeling comparatively steadier than I had in days, I worked the stiffness out of my limbs.
After a bath and a change of clothes, I started toward the Imperial Office — then remembered that Aria had come back, and turned toward her chambers instead.
At my light knock I stepped inside, and Aria, poring over her own work, turned her head.
"Good to see you're not dying, at least. If I'd thought you'd come crawling into your sister's arms again, I'd have thrown you out."
"……I'm sorry about yesterday. And thank you. Will you be staying at the estate long?"
"Not long. I have to return soon. But next time I'll have a little more leeway. In any case, the Magic Tower gathers only those with genuine talent, and it's a place where a half-hearted effort won't earn you even the things you desire most."
Come to think of it, she was striving too, it occurred to me — driven, as if something were chasing her. Just in a more mature way than me, and without letting it show.
'In moments like these, I really do feel that she's the elder.'
No — it wasn't quite that feeling. Rather, remembering my past life and all, it was my own immaturity beside her that washed over me as a quiet self-disgust.
"More to the point — surprising."
"What is?"
"I'd have thought you'd have tangled bodies with Lapis by now. From the way the maids have been moving, clearly you didn't."
"……"
"There's nowhere a man who's lost his confidence finds comfort more easily than in a woman's skirt, you know."
With a soft laugh, Aria rose from her chair and drew close to me.
"If Lapis's skirt doesn't suit your taste, I could lend you mine."
"Didn't you say you'd throw me out if I came crawling into my sister's arms?"
"Ah… I did say that, didn't I."
Aria wore a chagrined look at her own self-inflicted defeat, but a moment later she pulled loose her hair tie, letting that signature platinum hair spill free, and took hold of her own hem — lifting it slowly as she spoke.
"If what's in front of you isn't your sister, then none of that means anything, does it?"
*
Even as the words left her own mouth, Aria flushed at the faint trace of vulgarity in them — but before long, with Rohen pressing her against the wall and, after the briefest of foreplay, burying himself deep inside her, she trembled from head to toe, balanced on the very tips of her toes.
With a bed right there behind them, carrying on like this standing up must have been because he couldn't bear to leave the mess for the maids to clean.
Aria thought for a moment that it felt terribly like a lover's lovemaking, and a wave of ugly jealousy surged up in her — but there was a strange, perverse thrill in this as well, one that made her lower belly ache all the more hotly.
Buried in the Magic Tower, devoting herself solely to scholarship and magic, the thought of Lapis — who would remain at Rohen's side all the while — had always kindled a quiet anxiety in her. But watching Rohen stirring through her innermost depths, savoring this body of hers, that settled unease began slowly, steadily to dissolve.
His hips moved roughly enough that muffling her cries was a considerable struggle, but she reasoned there could hardly be anyone around to hear, and so Aria let her moans spill little by little against the shell of his ear.
'Ah…'
Then, glancing sidelong toward the window, she saw it: a single bird perched on a branch, chirping away as it watched their coupling.
That words spoken in the night reach the ears of mice, and words spoken by day the ears of birds — was that how the saying went?
Even knowing the creature possessed no understanding, being watched like this made her burn with embarrassment, and Aria caught herself clenching tightly around him without meaning to.
But before long, she thought — what did it matter?
And so, wearing a sultry little smile, Aria murmured a silent prayer toward the bird outside the window.
'Little bird. Carry this shameless female's thieving far and wide, won't you…'
It was impossible, of course. She knew full well it could never happen.
And yet — her heart, unwilling to remain nothing more than a mistress forever, reached greedily for even the flimsiest straw of an illusion.