The Oak Needs a Proper Lesson

A goddess in full armor stood before my eyes. Athena—goddess of wisdom and of war.

"Son of Aeson. Jason."

"Y-yes, ma'am! Goddess! May you live ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠long and free of every illness, and may your years never end!"

I tried to throw myself flat out of pure reflex, but my knees locked, and I stalled in a graceless half-crouch. The owl tipped its head and peered down at me. Hoo?

"I heard the wish you cried out at the shipyard this afternoon."

"...This afternoon? Me? That can't be."

"When every other hero, blinded by a vain hunger for glory, clung to ornament and show, you alone looked first to the safety of your crew and the very bottom of the hull. A truly wise way to conduct yourself."

What did I even shout? No. No way.

"And you wished, besides, that the ship would see its own way, avoid the reefs, and speak with wisdom."

"No! I didn't wish for that! That was just a stock-propping vision statement I was pitching—"

Self-driving was a joke! Sabotage bullshit!

"That bold wish moved my heart. Therefore I shall bestow upon you a fitting gift."

Athena lifted the point of her spear. Beyond the dream's horizon, lightning flared through the mist.

KR-RRR-RUMBLE!

A massive oak tore free, roots and all, and heaved itself skyward. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Between bark scorched black by the bolt, blue sap dripped like blood. One glance was enough. An ill-omened tree.

And that oak was shipped straight at my skull. Like a rocket.

"Wait! Goddess!! A return! Do you take returns!? Cancel the order! The customer is withdrawing the contract on grounds of a simple change of heart!!"

Flash!!

Regrettably, Olympus had no consumer protection law.

"Haah—!!"

I shot upright in bed as if I'd been launched. Breath climbed all the way to my throat, and my whole body was soaked in cold sweat. A shaking hand fumbled over my skull. No horns. I hadn't been turned into a spider, either.

"A dream... a garbage dream. Right. I was so stressed I started seeing things..."

Pink letters stamped themselves across my vision.

"What?"

I shoved the shutters open. Far off, smoke was boiling up over the shipyard, and in the street below the window people were shouting and sprinting for the harbor.

"A thunderbolt out of a clear sky!! They say an oak slammed into the middle of the shipyard!!"

"It's a sacred tree! Lady Athena has sent down a sacred tree!!"

"It's exactly what Lord Jason said yesterday! The prow's going to talk!!"

"...Metis. I'm going back to sleep."

I didn't even have the presence of mind to dress. I flung the leopard pelt around my shoulders and ran out of the palace.

The shipyard at Pagasae.

On the prow of the Argo—still nothing but a skeleton—where a figurehead belonged, a lightning-struck oak trunk sat jammed in place as if it owned the spot. And the shape of it was grotesque. Knots and bark had twisted over themselves until they formed a face: twigs wrenched into twin tails for hair, a tongue stuck halfway out, eyes slanted up in a vicious glare. The face of an insolent little girl.

In a word, the rudest-looking tree in the world. And it behaved exactly the way it looked.

"Th-this is a keel I framed with my heart's blood...!"

Argus clenched his jaw and protested, and the oak curved its eyes into mocking crescents.

"Khh—! This devil of a prow...!!"

Argus's face flared crimson, and at last the hammer in his fist clattered to the ground.

"Mind your tongue, sacred tree."

Tiphys stepped forward. Oh? Maybe a man of the sea was cut from different cloth.

"...For a piece of firewood."

Tiphys's hand clamped around the dagger at his belt. The blade stayed sheathed. Only his shoulders shook. Fair enough. You couldn't exactly draw steel on Zeus's sacred tree.

Emboldened, the oak rolled its eyes toward Acastus.

"I just wanted a great adventure, that's all...!"

Grind. The sound of the prince's molars carried all the way to me.

"How are we supposed to build a ship with a monster like that stuck on it..."

"We're supposed to listen to that the whole time we build? I'd rather be eaten by the Sirens."

"This is insane. What kind of ship is that. I'm out."

The workmen read the room, quietly gathered their tools, and started inching backward. Shipyard morale hit the floor. The corner of my mouth, however, twitched entirely beyond my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠control.

...It's here!

I threw a silent cheer. A haunted ship! A prow that hurls abuse! Character assassination, as a service! Who would ever board a thing like this? No crew, and a launch was physically impossible. Better still, this wasn't even my fault. The Goddess Athena herself had driven in the oak that tanked the project, so Uncle couldn't pin it on me either.

Liability rests with Olympus Headquarters. Goddess of Wisdom—my sincere thanks!

That was when the Dodona oak's eyes caught me watching.

"A leopard's handsome enough, isn't it? Not a goat, not a rabbit—a leopard. What, am I supposed to wear a lion skin?"

How did it know? A sacred tree really is a sacred tree, huh?

"Uh... but all of that's true, though?"

"Losing the shoe is right, and ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠having no guts is right. The trash part especially is dead accurate. Sharp eyes, you."

The oak's twintail branches flailed in a panic.

"Why would I get mad when nothing you said is wrong. Oh, and I can't swim either. I get terrible seasickness, and I can't fight..."

The oak's vocabulary collapsed to toddler level in an instant.

"Really? A trash captain like me is underqualified, that it? Boarding review: failed. Then this expedition is, regrettably, called off—"

Even better. That was exactly what I wanted!

I was on the verge of turning away, already humming, when—

Pink letters rose in a corner of my vision.

...Don't concern myself about what? I am not worried about a single thing right now.

About what!?

Wait, Metis? Calm down. She's on our side right now. A precious little brat who's going to cancel the launch for us!

No—me being trash is a fact! You say it every single day!!

My entire field of vision was buried under a crimson warning window.

She flinched. The insolent little tree-girl's face, tongue still stuck out, went rigid.

Did that just load a whole lot faster?

A thin, high hum tore through the wood. The entire oak shuddered violently. The grain swirled like a whirlpool, and leaves poured off the twintail branches.

No, don't pass them!! Fail them!!

The warped oak face spasmed once, then froze. The slanted eyes sagged, and the flailing twintail branches hung limp and meek. At last the prow opened its mouth again, in a thoroughly deflated voice.

The end of the sentence smeared together, half a sob and half a grievance.

People looked up at the suddenly docile prow.

"The sacred tree called Lord Jason Senior...!"

"He's under a blessing older than Dodona itself!"

Next to move was Acastus.

"Did you all see! When the oracle's mockery poured down, we shook with rage or bowed our heads in shame—but Jason didn't so much as blink, and smiled as he owned every last insult!"

His voice boomed through the shipyard.

"Lord Jason gave the Dodona oak a proper lesson...!"

The workmen who had been backing away came flooding back to their places. Argus picked up the hammer he had dropped.

"No, I didn't do anything! I mean it! A transcendent A.I. did the whole thing!!"

"An... A.I.? And which god is that?"

"You heard him, did you not! To the very end he yields the glory to the gods!"

"And humble, on top of it all! We'll repay him with our hammers! Everyone, pick up the pace!!"

UWOOOOH!!

The veterans who had been seething leapt onto the hull with fire in their eyes.

Hey. What did you just do.

The pink letters surfaced a beat late. They looked strangely smug.

Praise. Sure. Thanks to you, my coffin is being built nice and sturdy.