Chapter 44: I Said I Was Building an Academy, So Why Does It Look Like a Matchmaking Agency?
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 44: I Said I Was Building an Academy, So Why Does It Look Like a Matchmaking Agency?
Not all of my plans were going smoothly. There was the fact that I still couldn't beat Im Su-yeon; the fact that Grasha was spewing misandrist remarks again, likely because she’d watched some weird TV show (a children's program with an 8% viewership rating, according to my investigation); and the fact that I’d been banned from Iris’s room because her pride was wounded after I performed the "good deed" of solving a problem she couldn't handle.
The only thing going well was the continuous, useless streak of raising Mom’s affection toward me. There was a minor incident where Mom offered me her breast, asking, "Want some mamma?"—perhaps information had leaked from either Camel or Hindel—but I wasn't such a piece of trash that I’d do something lewd with my own mother, who didn't even produce breast milk and wasn't a capture target.
Still, touching her breasts wasn't considered a bad thing in this world, so I let that slide. I usually lost out to Camel, but even then, it was nearly impossible to resist those massive jugs of hers.
"When handling a baby, it's always best to think ahead before you act."
"Think ahead and then act."
The Housekeeping Grandpa, who handled our chores and miscellaneous tasks, had been teaching me various things lately. This made it quite difficult to focus on my sister or Grasha.
Lately, Iris had been staying home.
Even though I had a fair amount of time since I was returning home from school at a normal hour...
I needed time to rest, play, and recharge my energy, but a huge chunk of my time was being swallowed up by learning things from the Grandpa!
And Morian—what on earth was she thinking? She’d been working hard on her affection points by sending me not just the Omega Drake Secret Combination, but also the limited edition Green Brachiosaurus Beta XII. I was so busy playing with them that I was losing my mind!
"Once the mother stops nursing and starts formula, that's the father's domain. I'll show you how to prepare the formula."
It was all sorts of useless knowledge, but what could I do when the old man was so eager to teach?
I'm going to pick one of those chaebol sisters, marry into her family, and live a life of rampant seeding and infidelity, so I don't need to learn how to look after kids. The sisters will raise them on their own. Or they'll be rich enough to hire a nanny or a male babysitter.
I couldn't bring myself to say something so rude, though, because Mom had raised me too well.
And so, I was preoccupied with receiving "fatherhood training," learning how to wash dishes by his side, and building up basic knowledge of housework.
"Don't hug me! You're just a man!"
"Grasha, do you hate Grandpa?"
"I hate him! No, I love him! Hug me~!"
Grasha, who was reaching that "troublesome age," would throw punches or get angry at her brother, but she was a gentle lamb in front of the old man. My interest in childcare skills began to pique.
"Grandpa, Grandpa, how do you get children to listen so well?"
"It's the same as how you treat a woman. Children and women are the same; you have to constantly pay attention to them."
It sounded like he was telling me to treat them like I would a male child, but I started to get the gist of it. Basically, it meant being sincere in the moment.
As someone who was already skilled at managing a harem, this was a skill I already had equipped. I took Grasha from the old man's arms.
"Grasha~!"
"Don't cling to me, you're just a maaaan~!"
Grasha’s tiny, delicate hands began to pitter-patter against my face. I was starting to hate that damn children's program.
If I left her like this, she might grow up thinking an older brother was a pathetic male creature, a dull-witted being that needed to be beaten once every three days, and a parasite that could only survive by clinging to a woman.
Of course, I agreed with about half of that, but my younger sister needed to grow up as a "healing type" who accepted her brother with total positivity.
"Grasha, I'll be good to you. Okay? So don't be so angry."
"Mmm... Okay!"
She looked like she didn't quite understand, but she seemed to accept it since I was apologizing. I felt like I needed to "train" Mom even more tightly with the "Son-obsessed (etc., etc.) syndrome" to ensure Grasha didn't turn into a man-hater or a female supremacist.
Considering I was banned from Iris’s room, it felt like it was time to accept that the "Iris Coin" might just crash.
I needed to start planning a new elite course for Grasha today—one where she would take responsibility for her unemployed older brother. After squirming in my arms for a bit, Grasha fell asleep quickly once I held her the way the old man had taught me.
Carrying her on my back, I decided to treat it as training and started doing squats with the sofa behind me. Suddenly, I felt a sharp, tingling sensation. I thought Grasha might have woken up, but she seemed to be sleeping soundly.
It was a feeling similar to what I felt with Marika, and before that, with Hindel and Morian when she induced me after I’d consumed the Ice Essence.
It felt like my mana was moving of its own accord. Even when I tried to move, I couldn't escape the feeling of something forcing me. My body stiffened and relaxed against my will as I tried to squat, and the strength slowly began to drain from my limbs.
Even though I told myself I shouldn't sleep, my body demanded it. I lay down on the sofa with Grasha still on my back and closed my eyes.
***
"Are these hotel prices insane or what?"
Mom tossed her tablet onto the sofa as if she couldn't believe it. Camel gave a wry smile and set down her glass.
"If you ask Hindel, she could probably get you a few suites."
"I don't mind her being around, but I don't want to call her up to ask for favors. Not with my profession."
As a police officer, Mom seemed to have a distaste for receiving favors from a yakuza.
"You act like you don't usually take them."
"She won't even meet me when I'm working. She only hangs around because you guys are in the middle."
An underworld boss falling for a police executive and pining after her—it was practically a romance novel plot.
"You turned her down when she said you could stay here. I guess you're feeling a bit embarrassed now that you're back."
"...I should just call Alicia."
"I'm joking, I'm joking."
Camel let out a giggle, sitting demurely.
"Don't worry about the exams. There are special admissions tracks. There's the War Hero Child track, the Donation track, and even the one for winning the Iris Swordsmanship Tournament. I've already put her in for those."
"Are you saying our Iris is going to fail or something?"
Mom glared at Camel, looking offended.
"Relax, I'm just saying don't worry. I think Iris will get in too. I gave her a few mock exam workbooks to solve, and she got perfect scores on all of them."
"...Well, my daughter is smart."
Camel looked at Mom with an exhausted expression. Aside from the fact that her daughter had entered a rebellious phase, she was a sweetheart, so of course Mom loved her. But Camel, being a virgin who had never even had proper sex, let alone had a child, didn't seem to understand such common sense.
"If there are that many tracks... just how many people are you planning to recruit?"
"I don't even know anymore. It's out of my hands. All sorts of crazy bitches are coming out of the woodwork, saying they'll give me more money if I just make a spot for them. They're offering tax benefits if I take a few more from certain countries... Haaa..."
Camel covered her face with both hands and let out a long sigh. She looked like she’d been through the wringer.
"So, what's the expected number?"
"The Empress gave the okay, so we leveled all the existing buildings. The Academy is going to be five times the size we originally planned. Everyone gets the same basic education, and as they move up in years, they're pushed into majors of their choice... Simply put, it's modeled after the Imperial University."
"...I doubt the universities are going to take that lying down."
At Mom's words, Camel sighed again.
"The guys connected to the universities are already sending me death threats as a baseline. They're saying they'll cut ties with the foundation, stop taking research students, cancel tracks... it's endless. I feel like I'm going to die."
"Isn't that a serious problem?"
"It almost was. But once I gave the Empress and Hindel a bigger share, everyone shut their mouths. Now my stake is only 40%. Those two combined have slightly over 40%."
It sounded like a lot of negotiations had taken place.
"The way I see it, Hindel and that Empress bitch pressured the Imperial University and the others to protest. Those vultures..."
"But this was your dream. Are you okay?"
"Well, if this is all they took, I got off easy. The scale and the numbers are several times larger than I expected. Once I get some cash, I'll negotiate and buy back the shares from Hindel or the others."
Camel glanced at me. I didn't know why she was looking at me, but she seemed to be thinking she could use me to win back the shares she’d lost to the Dragon Lord. Though that might just be my ego talking.
"Honestly, things still aren't properly organized. We haven't even decided how many to pick. The numbers keep growing. Lobbying is coming in from corporations, the military, and other countries to take more students."
"...Hasn't this gotten too big?"
"Since the Empress said she’d find her groom at the Academy, every family with a son is trying to get them in. And since word got out that precious boys—boys 'educated' in their family names—are coming, all these women who are desperate to marry are sending their daughters. With all the nobles flocking in, everyone else thinks it must be a good school and they're swarming in from everywhere."
It was a simple story: nobles wanted to catch the Empress's eye, women wanted a son-in-law, and regular people thought it was a good place because the nobles were there.
"At this rate, won't it turn into a matchmaking agency instead of an academy?"
"Yeah, ideally, that's what would happen. But there are so few boys. Very few. The useful ones have already been sold off as matrilocal sons-in-law. Usually, a family that can properly educate a boy wouldn't recklessly send him to a place full of girls."
Hearing Camel's explanation, Mom seemed to understand that the situation wasn't exactly positive.
Even to an idiot like me, it looked like it would become a bizarre, pseudo-matchmaking agency made up of a tiny number of high-caste males and a vast majority of females.
"Since the Empress said she's looking for a husband, only a few families looking for attention have sent their sons. A bunch of guys with delusions of grandeur sent their profiles, but when we investigated, they were all around D-Rank."
"D-Rank?"
"Ah, the Empress gave me a set of criteria to evaluate them. That's how I ranked them. Not a single A or B-Rank, and maybe three C-ranks?"
"...Just what kind of criteria are so harsh?"
"Faces."
Camel said firmly.
"You have to pass the preliminaries before you get evaluated on anything else. Aside from the preliminaries, there seemed to be a few decent kids."
The conversation was turning brutal.
"That person... she's at that age, so shouldn't she be meeting a man soon? Does she really have the luxury to be so picky?"
"Well, she's confident she'll live a long time. She might even outlive us. They say she's stronger than her master, right?"
"By now... Mom would win."
"A realm from legends... I guess such a thing really exists?"
Camel asked back, sounding incredulous. Mom didn't say anything, only giving a bitter smile.
"So, what's going to happen to the 'useful' kids who didn't even make the cut?"
"I'm already getting calls asking for their profiles. Unreported donations are just pouring in."
Camel wore a very sweet smile.
"Are you not interested?"
"Me? Well..."
Camel glanced over here.
"I'll think about it when I meet someone good. I've had a lot on my mind lately, so I don't think there's any rush. I've started to think that the kids I thought were okay were actually a bit low-tier."
"...If your standards get any higher, you'll never get married."
The Perverted Cow countered Mom's sharp remark.
"Even so, a virgin should give herself to someone of the right caliber."
"Everyone's standards are so high, it's a problem. You care about looks, you care about ability... it's the typical old maid tech tree."
"It's a matter of pride, you mother-of-a-child. I know plenty of people like me. And even without a man, there are plenty of ways to satisfy one's sexual desires. So stop lecturing me, okay, Superintendent?"
Camel clearly didn't want to talk about this anymore. Mom nodded as if she understood.