Chapter 29: The Camera is Cold
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 29: The Camera is Cold
“...What are you doing here?”
“I should be asking you that, Director Owen.”
“Wait, Director Luinal is here too.”
“Uh, isn't that Director Kumoe coming in right now?”
The industry's biggest names were gathered in one place. No, they were still pouring in. Various cinematographers, all of whom could be considered fierce rivals, were entering the room.
“Isn't this camera a prototype? Why is it here? When I went on the field trip, they said it was impossible to take it outside...”
“I mean, what kind of equipment is this just to film one brat...”
The filming equipment was also state-of-the-art. In fact, items were lined up that weren't even on the market yet—high-priced gear that hadn't even reached the sales stage and wasn't available to even the most famous directors.
“What the hell is that crazy bitch thinking?”
“There are many ears listening, Director Owen.”
Owen let out a hollow laugh, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer scale of equipment and personnel continuing to stream in. Even for a large-scale blockbuster movie, this many people wouldn't be necessary.
“And according to the rumors, support didn't just come from the CEO, but from other places as well.”
“Where? What kind of eccentric would provide support just to film some kid?”
A junior, who had been Owen's assistant before graduating and rising to fame by filming several successful commercials, glanced around at their surroundings and whispered quietly into his ear.
“There’s a rumor it’s that person—Hindel Dun Vurdia.”
“Ha, fuck.”
Director Owen ran his fingers through his shoulder-length hair and pulled a cigarette from his breast pocket with his long fingers.
“It’s non-smoking here.”
“...Our necks are on the line right now, does that really matter?”
“What if that kid is actually related to Hindel Dun Vurdia?”
Director Owen carefully tucked his cigarette back in.
“Ha, if that’s true... then according to the rumors, ‘the’ Alicia de la Vega would show up here? Right?”
“Oh, come on. Considering the astronomical fees the Empire offered just to get her face on screen once, there’s no way.”
The atmosphere was nothing short of ominous. People were still gathering, and despite Owen thinking he was the most senior person there, people he would have to call 'Senior' were arriving one by one, making his presence feel insignificant.
Owen let out a long sigh and greeted them.
“Senior, it’s been a while. How have you been?”
“Senior, my foot. I told you to call me Big Sister. Sigh... I was planning to retire, but they dragged me out by bringing up my debts, so what could I do? Are you getting skin treatments lately? Why is your face so firm?”
Owen greeted the old hag with the brightest smile he could muster. She was the type who claimed to retire but then returned three times to film movies that became massive hits.
Back when he was called in as an assistant director, he had gone thinking it was a great opportunity, only to have his head smashed by a glass ashtray for nodding off during a three-day streak of all-nighters. The spot still throbbed.
“Anyway, where is Alicia? I came because they said she’d be at today’s shoot.”
“Wasn't that just a rumor?”
“If it were just a rumor, would all these crazy bastards, including me, be out here?”
The legendary—no, the actress whose name was constantly on the lips of every gossip-monger even now—Alicia de la Vega was appearing.
At that news, the murmuring of the crowd stopped.
“Really? Is she really coming?”
“Yeah, that princess of the Vega family, who usually finds commercials too bothersome to film, is coming. She even contacted me directly. Said she was planning to film with her son and told me I had to come.”
“A child? That woman has a child? Who’s the father?”
“If there were one, the world would have turned upside down. I heard it’s her friend’s son.”
What the hell does that even mean? Director Owen fought back the urge to grab his senior by the collar and demand answers, simply nodding instead.
“Now, now, Directors. Thank you for coming! Before we begin the commercial shoot, please look at the prepared concepts and line up for the ones you want! It’s the green table on the left!”
Line up? For the concepts we want? Instead of us filming how we want?
Owen marched forward immediately, intending to protest this nonsense of calling in busy, expensive people for such a farce. He was going to climb the podium and grab the Vice President by the collar.
“And, this is... the photo of the child actor sent by CEO Morian under the title ‘Our Cute Little Tot.’”
The moment the boy’s face appeared on the screen, Director Owen immediately spun around and sprinted toward the table with the prepared concepts.
If he looked like that, they should have sent the photo first!
“Hey, fuck, Sister! I said the sexy concept!”
“What do you mean sexy for a kid, are you crazy?! This cuteness is the best!”
“Look at those proportions, what kind of kid is that?! He’s just a tiny adult! Look at his face, he looks so lewd! This concept is definitely the one for him!”
The area in front of the green table was already a battlefield, with people grabbing each other's hair and fighting.
***
When we arrived at the filming site, the pervert vampire sister who liked being hit in the dick was waiting for us.
“You’re late.”
Alicia frowned and rebuked Morian.
“Or maybe you’re just early? We’re a bit ahead of the scheduled time.”
“I have to be here early as his guardian, in case this brat starts bawling because his mom isn't here. Hey, kiddo. Did Morian bother you on the way here?”
Alicia crouched down to meet my eyes and stroked my head. I’d have to pretend it was an accident and give her a ‘spanking’ later to get that arrogant hand off me.
“Morian Noona is nice! I like her best!”
Morian, who had bought me a transforming robot toy (it even deployed a magic circle) that cost about as much as my teacher’s monthly salary, was a goddess.
“Kiddo, I thought you said you liked me best?”
“I like Alicia Noona second best!”
“...You little playboy.”
I made a tearful face as the vampire sister grabbed both my cheeks and stretched them left and right. There was no point in staying expressionless; it didn't get me any treats. Alicia stood up, looking satisfied.
“Isn't this the first time you’ve been this early for a shoot?”
“There are a few people I personally called. I have to be somewhat on time.”
“Please, keep that punctuality when you’re filming movies. Every time, someone causes a cancellation.”
I thought our vampire sister was just a wealthy slacker, but she’s actually a movie star!
“Alicia Noona, are you a movie star?”
“It’s a hobby, a hobby. I just do shoots that look interesting once in a while.”
The Snow Woman sister glared at the vampire sister, who treated being a movie star as a hobby, as if she had a lot she wanted to say.
“Don’t look at me like that. Because of that, I filmed several movies you asked me to, didn't I? You must have made thousands of times more than the compensation for the delays, right?”
“...Let’s just not talk.”
Morian patted my back lightly and nudged me into the filming set. As I walked in holding her and Alicia’s index fingers, I saw...
“He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.” “He’s here.”
A group of women with crazed eyes were waiting for me.
Sensing that something was very wrong, I hid behind Morian.
“...Directors, thank you for accepting the invitation.”
Morian, who glanced at me and smirked, tried to communicate with the crazed women using human language.
“Today’s shoot involves this child and actress Alicia for the Sirian Academy Foundation, along with a few simple commercials. I assume everyone has heard the details and prepared procedures from the Vice President.”
In my opinion, human language was a luxury; a crowbar or a double-barreled shotgun seemed more appropriate, but Morian continued speaking.
“We will proceed with 30 minutes for each prepared concept, alternating with 30-minute breaks. The filming will take a total of five hours. Please engage in the filming according to your allotted time. That is all.”
As soon as Morian finished speaking, people began to swarm toward me.
“Hello, Yong-hwan—we’re the film directors. Let’s talk while we move. We’ve prepared clothes for you to change into, and we’re famous directors with impeccable reputations, so if you trust us and follow along, we’ll make you the greatest male actor!”
“I’m Director Kumoe, and I make a lot of children’s animation. Do you like the transforming combination robot Green Brachiosaurus Beta? It’s fairly popular with boys. Would you like to appear in a tokusatsu show your friends watch? No, you might not understand ‘tokusatsu.’ Would you be interested in appearing in the theatrical film Transforming Dinosaur Omega Drake: Secret Transformation?”
“Would it be all right if I put you in a maid outfit? I’m certain you’ll become the best child actor. If you give me a chance, you’ll become the finest male actor, loved by every big sister in the United Kingdom! We have a butler outfit and all kinds of cosplay costumes ready—could you please wear just one?”
“I’m making a great film about an auntie who saves a little boy. Would you like to film it with me? The shoot is short; it’ll only take a few minutes. Would that be okay?”
“Yong-hwan, I’ve loved you since the moment I first saw you! I don’t mean as a confession—as a director, how could I not love you? Would you give me the honor of filming a children’s program with you? Do you have time?”
I felt like I was going to lose my mind already. I couldn't understand a single thing they were saying. Instead, some men came over, suddenly dragged me to the dressing room, stripped off all my clothes while I had my arms up, put new ones on me, and pushed me back out.
“Now, do a cat pose there. Like you’re going ‘Meow~!’ Good, good. Perfect. Now lie down there, clench your fists, bend your wrists—yes, like that, tilt your head slightly. Say ‘Meow~.’ Oh fuck, this is seriously the best.”
I didn't know why I had to wear a cat cosplay, but I did it for them.
“Now, with teary eyes, grab the edge of the tailcoat. Yes, like that. Now, look here, look at the camera—oh my, you’re doing so well. So well, you’re much better than my own daughter.”
I didn't know why I had to wear a butler outfit and act like I was about to cry, but I did it for them.
“Step on the head of that lady lying down there. Yes, put a bit more weight into it. Now, look angry. One of your friends stole your doll, Yong-hwan. Yes, that expression! That’s it!”
I didn't know why I had to step on the head of a lady in a suit I’d never met before, but since I had the Transforming Dinosaur Robot Set I received in advance from Hindel, I did it for them.
“Now, I’m going to spray some water for a wet look, okay? There, good, good, you’re doing great. Just lie down like that and look this way. Wow, incredible. Incredible.”
I didn't know why I was lying down in a swimsuit with my head tilted back for photos, but because of the Dragon Limited Edition Omega Drake Secret Combination I received as an extra, I did it for them.
When I took a few shots with Alicia, everyone was calm and took normal photos without saying a word. I don’t know why, but we did take a couple of photos where I was biting Alicia’s neck or her finger.
Anyway, there were a few minor problems with the shoot that had otherwise gone smoothly.
“Oh, fuck! You son of a bitch! How can you just move on after this! Are you even human?! What the hell am I supposed to film in 30 minutes?!”
The director sisters fought a little.
“No, fuck, I’m telling you if we strip him a bit more, it’ll work! Let’s just strip him a bit more! It’s not like we’re shooting gravure! This is for the future!”
They fought a little.
“AAAAARGH!!! Don’t lie to me! There’s no way 30 minutes have passed!!! I’ll kill you all! Bring the thinner! Thinner! I’m going to burn this place down!”
A little.
“Stop that bitch!!! Why are you trying to use magic here?!”
Just a very little.
“Let me film more!!!”
There were some problems.
“Yong-hwan, was the commercial shoot fun? Shall we go eat something delicious before going home?”
After everything was over, Morian asked kindly. I was clutching the Dragon Limited Edition robot in my arms.
“I want to go home.”
I had endured the day’s hardships with dead eyes.
“I’ll buy you whatever you like, okay? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?”
If asked whether the limited edition toy in my arms was worth it, I don’t think I could answer easily.
“Want to go home?”
“You don’t even want tonkatsu? Should we eat pizza?”
“I want to go eat both!”
I couldn't resist the foods my mom wouldn't let me have because they were bad for my health.