Chapter 18
Chapter 18
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 18
Chapter Title: Unchanged Itineraries
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#68
Sometimes I have these thoughts.
The fact that I love you, Jun-woo, is an undeniable truth.
But am I superimposing the future you onto the current you?
Before returning to the past, it was only eight months—a short time.
Yet the intensity of the moments we shared during that period was anything but light.
You're someone who could change in countless ways, Jun-woo, so am I blocking those changes by molding you to fit my vision of the future you?
Even as guilt toward such a Jun-woo gnawed at me, a deep self-loathing surged within for the me who craved you endlessly, feeling like I couldn't survive even a single day without your love.
I wanted to give everything to you, Jun-woo, as soon as possible.
And to receive all of you in return.
But the nagging fear that my feelings for you might end up harming you lingered in a corner of my heart, making me hesitate every time I tried to take one step closer.
All I could do was hope that you, Jun-woo, would love even a mess like me.
#69
Around the time my past self was preparing for discharge.
The travel lists you showed me, Jun-woo, with that bright, innocent smile.
Back then, seeing that itinerary centered around the West Sea filled me with joy... and dread.
I didn't want to show my burn scars to anyone, but I hid those feelings and asked you why the sea of all places.
I figured you must know how I felt, so there had to be a simple reason.
But you just looked at me with a gentle smile, as if wondering what I was talking about.
"You said before that the West Sea looked so beautiful in that video and you wanted to go. Let's make it happen this time. I've planned spots you'll love."
You said it so casually, like I just had to follow along.
Did I... really say that?
You remembered words even I had forgotten.
A warmth bloomed in my chest at that. Looking over the destinations again, I could feel your thoughtful care in every detail, just as you said.
Places I wanted to visit.
Food I liked.
Spots I would enjoy.
You hadn't picked them lightly, Jun-woo.
Every single one, down to the smallest detail, was chosen with only me in mind.
And the way you presented it all so matter-of-factly, like it was the most natural thing in the world...
Imagining you searching for these places while thinking of me made you seem so lovable, so incredibly grateful.
My eyes grew a little misty, but I held back.
This wasn't the expression you wanted to see.
How could I ever convey these feelings to you?
I gently took your hand, the one that had been by my side with that warm smile, hoping at least some of it would reach you.
But the day we would visit those places we planned together late into the night—foreheads touching, hearts racing as we wondered what to do there—
...never came.
#70
The day you suggested the trip, Jun-woo.
That itinerary naturally sprang to mind, and my heart ached.
I'd been so excited.
I really... wanted to go. With you.
It hurt unbearably that those happy moments had vanished without a trace.
But I told myself we could build new ones together from now on.
There would be plenty of trips with you in the future.
Next time, I'd introduce those places to you.
For our first one, though, I wanted to go where you chose.
But a few days later, I realized something.
I still didn't know you well enough at all.
#71
Walking home side by side with you, Jun-woo.
I wanted to link arms and wrap myself in your sturdy embrace right then and there.
But thinking that day wasn't far off, I decided to hold out a little longer.
You'd still feel burdened by it.
...Or would you? Maybe you'd like it...?
As I walked, half-wondering, you showed me your phone screen, saying you'd found spots for our trip.
For a moment, the past flashed in my mind, but I pushed it away.
That would be wrong to both the past you and the current you.
With a pounding heart, I looked at your screen. What I saw felt like a dream—unbelievable.
Was I seeing this right? I blinked a few times, but the screen didn't change. My whole body froze in shock.
It was the exact same itinerary you'd shown my past self. My throat tightened.
With trembling lips, I asked you again why you'd chosen these places.
"Why? Well, some are just popular spots... but..."
"You mentioned wanting to go to the West Sea before. And around here, there's that famous salmon sashimi place you like, plus a nice walking path. We can play at the beach during the day, stroll in the evening, then head back to the lodging—"
The same places.
The same reasons.
The same... you as back then.
The past I'd thought erased without a trace...
had never vanished at all.
It hit me like a hammer to the head.
The future Jun-woo, the current Jun-woo.
How foolish I'd been to agonize over such things.
You'd always done your absolute best for me, always put me first.
The ominous shadow that had flickered in a corner of my heart, filled only with love for you, completely dissolved—replaced entirely by feelings for you.
This is cheating.
How am I supposed to keep up with you like this?
I'd thought my love for you outpaced yours for me right now.
What a delusion.
I realized I'd probably never catch up to you in this lifetime.
My heart raced.
You'd always endured feelings like this—on the verge of bursting out.
Words alone couldn't convey it all, but I poured my heart into telling you.
"These are places I desperately wanted to go with you, so I remembered them. Every single one."
Not a day went by without thinking of them.
I wanted to go with you.
#72
Han Seo-ah was still sniffling a bit as we walked, like she hadn't fully calmed down.
Was it that touching?
Maybe I'm... kind of amazing as a guy?
Such smug thoughts crossed my mind as I glanced downward.
Our hands, clasped since earlier, showed no sign of letting go.
Her soft, warm touch—transmitting our shared heat—felt so good I didn't want to release it. But now that I'd snapped out of it, nerves hit, and I worried my palm was sweating.
—Stop the sweat glands...!
What if she was thinking, "Ugh... it's all clammy" or something? Mortified, I tried to slip my hand free gently.
Then—
Squeeze—
Her cute little hand gripped mine like she had no intention of letting me go.
As if to prevent even the thought, her slender fingers wove between mine, interlocking fully. The softness and warmth doubled—no, more than that.
—No, the sweat's gonna double too.
Whether she sensed my panic or not, she pouted her lips, puffed her cheeks slightly, and looked up at me like she was mad I'd tried to pull away.
Her eyebrows furrowed just a bit—she was trying to look sulky, in her own way.
But to me, it was unbearably adorable. Without thinking, I poked her cheek with my finger.
"Eep!"
As if saying don't, she made a tiny sound, her cheeks puffing even more.
That irresistible cuteness made me burst out laughing.
"...I'm still mad, you know."
Who admits they're mad out loud like that?
I didn't say something oblivious like that.
"Sorry. I won't let go."
I squeezed her soft hand gently, for real this time. Only then did she seem satisfied, deflating her cheeks with a smile as she looked at me.
"Don't do it again."
Her sparkling eyes asked if I got it, full of certainty that we'd hold hands plenty more in the future. My heart tickled.
"Got it."
Walking in that cozy warmth, feeling each other's heat, we reached her house before I knew it.
It felt too soon.
"Oh yeah, Jun-woo."
"Yeah?"
She suddenly beamed like she'd just remembered something.
"You free this weekend?"
"This weekend?"
Hmm... tricky.
Midterms were two weeks away. To aim for top grades like her, I needed to study weekends starting now—
"I need to go buy a swimsuit..."
"Let's go."
Huh?
My mouth?
Panicking at the words that slipped out without brain approval, she smiled like she'd known my answer all along.
...So tempting.
"...When?"
"Hmm~ Saturday okay, Jun-woo?"
—Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday, all good.
"Saturday's perfect. Let's do it then."
I hid my inner glee and replied. She giggled happily.
"Pick some out by then, Jun-woo. Got it?"
I didn't ask what to pick.
"...Sure."
Just hid my flushed face and agreed.