Broken Doors and Noona's Bedroom Invitation
The only person in this guild who's even more idle than me, who wouldn't raise eyebrows if she slipped into my room, and who could neatly handle any noise that came up? That was Amelia noona.
Since she'd been demanding weekly massages from me purely to vent her lust, I figured she'd welcome this Comforting Bow with open arms.
"It's lunchtime anyway, and she wasn't in the yard, so she's probably at the cafeteria."
I could just grab her on my way down for lunch.
"Big sis? She said she needed to work up a sweat and went out for a run."
"When?"
"Right after training the adventurers this morning."
"...She left then and still hasn't come back?"
"Yeah. Oh, here."
"Thanks."
I took a decent lunch from the kitchen staffer who'd first asked me to keep an eye on noona that morning.
I sat in noona's usual chair—where she always lounged away her free time—and shoveled down the meaty stew.
"What the hell? Why're you parked in my spot, you little shit?"
"Oh, 'cause you're back?"
"Aaack!! You fucking moron?! How many times do I gotta tell you not to talk to me when I've got food in my mouth?!"
I couldn't tear my eyes off Amelia noona as she stormed over from the back door, playfully furious, slamming it shut behind her.
Her usually vacant eyes sparkled with life, and her bright orange hair glistened like it was polished, damp with sweat.
"What? Something on my face?"
I shook my head at noona, who squinted one eye and rubbed her cheek with the back of her hand, swallowing the mouthful I'd been chewing.
"So, noona, what'd you do to sweat like that?"
"Just a light jog around the city a few times. Feels fucking amazing to sweat it out after so long. Heh."
She swept her wet bangs up with a grin that could make even a guy like me swoon.
"You little shit. You've been nodding like a damn wooden doll since I walked in. You sick or something?"
"As you can see, I'm fucking healthy as hell."
Her tone had that same pouty edge Siron got when she was miffed, snapping me out of it. I flexed my prized arm muscles proudly.
"Yeah, for a punk kid, you've got a decent build on you."
Noona chuckled like an adult watching a kid show off and patted my shoulder.
"Ow! Oww!!"
"Quit whining, pussy."
"No... it actually hurts?"
"Hahaha!!"
The cute noona I'd glimpsed faded back into the usual one. Was this some kind of shock therapy?
"Anyway, scarf it down and head up. I'm gonna wash off."
She ruffled my hair and spun away, heading upstairs.
I dumped the rest of my bowl into my mouth.
Handed the empty dish to the kitchen staff and hustled after her.
She moved so damn fast that even catching up right away, I only reeled her in at her door.
"Noona, noona!!"
"What? Wanna wash up together?"
Now that's a tempting offer. Of course, I didn't say it out loud.
"Uh, well, not exactly. You free tomorrow? Could you swing by my room?"
"Your room? Why?"
"That skinny tree branch thing? I made something with it, need your expert opinion."
"You little shit? Hey, if you want an evaluation, bring it to my room. Why the hell should I trek to yours?"
Sure, if it was something harmless anyone could see, I'd have done that. But this was still top secret—no way I was hauling it out in public.
I explained all that to noona.
She eyed me suspiciously, half-lidded.
"...What the fuck did you make this time?"
"Something to comfort the lonely."
"What bullshit is that?"
I thought it was a pretty straight description, but noona glared like I'd fed her crap.
"Anyway, carve out some time for me, noona."
"I've got nothing but time, but does it have to be tomorrow?"
"Not really."
"Then I'll come down after I wash up. Wait, or wait in my room and we'll head down together."
Was noona always this forward? I scratched my head.
"Uh, noona. Not today."
"Why? You got nothing to do till Ardella sends that iron ingot, right?"
"Ahem, true, but... noona, ear here."
"Oi, no one's bold enough to come up here—just spit it out."
"Ah."
True, the fourth floor only had noona's room and the guild master's office, which had been empty for four years. Basically noona's private floor.
I gave her the rundown on the Comforting Bow's functions to her sour face. With a tiny white lie that it was a "massage tool," of course.
"You fucking psycho."
"Ahem. My tribe's got tons of stuff like this."
"You're impressive in all the wrong ways, kid."
"Ahem."
Leaning against the door with that incredulous look, noona left me no choice but to brazen it out.
"Siron'll be back tonight. That's why not today."
"...Fine. Tomorrow around this time, then. Got it?"
"Yessir. I'll be good and wait in my room."
"...Haa."
Noona sighed meaningfully, dragged a hand down her face, and vanished into her room.
"Yes!"
Right on plan—I struck a quick victory pose and headed back to my room.
Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud!
As I sketched ideas for the next holy artifact, massive bangs rattled through my door.
"Heh, Siron's stressing hard today."
Only batshit crazy Siron had the guts to make that much noise in the guild, so I stood from my chair, arms wide for her incoming tackle.
BAM—!!
Two hands punched through the door, splintering it.
Crack—
The door ripped clean in half. Not cracked—torn.
Gulp.
Through the tear, I glimpsed madness-glazed red and blue eyes.
Honestly? Kinda freaked me out.
"G-Guys—"
Crunch.
The shattered door panels dropped from their arms. Now I saw their faces clearly.
"Eek...."
For the first time, I got what prey feels facing a predator.
They didn't say a word, just strode toward me.
I knew I shouldn't, but their killer vibe had me backing up a step for every one they took.
Thud.
Damn tiny room. Wall already.
No escape for me, but they kept closing in.
"Sh-Shit! Calm! Stay cal—"
Squeeze.
"...?"
"Sniiff. Haaa... sniiff. Haaa...."
"Smith... ahh, Smith......"
What the—? I cracked open my squeezed-shut eyes.
Siron and Kernax had wedged into my arms, one on each side, coiling around my waist and nuzzling my neck like puppies on a walk, sniffing away.
Whatever it was, they seemed way more rational than I'd thought. I awkwardly patted their asses.
Lick.
Slurp.
"Eek?!"
"Haa... you little shit... fucking delicious."
"Smith, j-just... a little...."
"W-Wait, girls?!"
I figured they'd just cuddle and sniff, but the ass-pat flipped a switch: Siron started licking my neck, Kernax sucking and nibbling my earlobe.
Smith, you idiot!! Why pat their asses?! Back or something!!
But regret's always a step late.
"No?! D-Door!! Do something about the door at least?!"
"Shut up... shut it and drop your pants, fuck! Before I rip 'em!!"
"I-It'll be quick. Promise, Smith. So h-hurry...!!"
"Not you too, Kernax?!"
Like they'd rehearsed, they both yanked at my waistband, trying to drag my pants down while working my neck and ear.
Their strength could've overpowered me easy, but since my pants still clung to my hips thanks to my grip, their reason hadn't snapped yet.
But it was only a matter of time. Their breaths were quickening—I could feel it.
Never thought reliable Kernax would team up with Siron to strip me. With the door in pieces, no less.
Riiip—!!
"Oh shit."
The hem they grabbed tore, reforming my pants into shorts in seconds.
Damn it. Vizelin's parting gift.
"Fuck!! Idiot!! Hurry up and strip!!"
"Y-Yeah!! Smith!! Strip now!!"
"Forget stripping—fix that gaping hole first?!"
"Fuck!! Just let 'em watch!!"
"R-Right!!"
"I'm losing my mind?!!"
Makes sense why 24/7 work warps your brain. But this wasn't warped—it was straight-up heat.
"Hurry!!"
"Faster!!"
"M-My pants—!!"
Their fingers loosened on my waistband, pants and undies sliding past the last line—my hips.
"You bitches turned someone else's door into rags."
That familiar voice—the only one who could save me here—rang out.
"Gehk...!!"
"Guh—"
Before I could look up at noona's voice, Siron and Kernax made weird noises and flopped to the floor like puppets with cut strings, heads smacking down.
No joke—they just collapsed.
"Trouble-making bitches, always...."
Noona walked up as I half-crouched, awkwardly clutching my pants.
She grabbed their hair with a genuinely annoyed look and dragged them out of my room like trash.
"Th-They didn't... die. Probably."
First time I learned fainted eyes roll back completely.
"Where'd you take them, noona?"
Her entrance and exit were too sudden—no time to speak.
Honestly, knowing noona, dumping them in the street wouldn't surprise me.
But the ever-patrolling guards would haul them to Kernax's office, so no big worry.
I gave a quick prayer to my shredded pants hem and bisected door.
Hope the next owner's kinder.
"What, you praying or some shit?"
"Gah—!"
I jumped—noona was back in my room already, hands empty. Must've ditched them somewhere.
"What'd you do with them?"
"Told the kids downstairs to hand 'em to the guards. What, thought I'd chuck 'em in the gutter?"
"N-No way."
"Heh. Little shit, your face shows everything—don't even think about lying anywhere."
"Ahem...."
I scratched my head sheepishly.
"But with the door like this, where do I crash till it's fixed?"
"Doesn't really matter to me."
Sure, someone peeking while I slept might feel creepy, but once I'm out, who cares? And my room's at the hall's dead end—only Siron or people with real business come here.
"Kidnapped right under your nose and you got no caution."
"No, that's not—"
Noona rarely got serious. I instinctively dropped my gaze and bowed my head.
"......Come."
"Huh?"
I thought I'd misheard from nerves. But looking up at her face, nope.
"...Up... to my room."
Her freckles were flushed red.
"Till the door's fixed... sleep in my room. Fuck... got it?"
She mumbled to the end, then glared hard.
"Y-Yes'm."
"...Yeah."
"Huh?"
"...I'll stand watch, so grab your shit... and come up...."
"Ah. R-Right. Grabbing my stuff now."
"...Good."
Noona fled my room, cheeks blazing.
Alone, I reached under the bed.
First, the hygiene scroll in my pocket. Then deeper.
"Gotta grab my stuff and head up."
I snatched the new holy artifact I'd hidden—the Comforting Bow—and quietly headed to the fourth floor.