Amelia Noona's Advice and the North Gate Demolition
"Then head on in!!"
"Thank you."
I gave a light bow to the soldiers who'd escorted me all the way to the guild, watched them head off, and only then slipped inside. Ah, but not through the front entrance—of course, through the back door.
I quietly climbed the back stairs to the second floor and poked my head through the door connecting to the kitchen. Lunchtime was approaching, so the kitchen was bustling as always. And there, amid the chaos, sat Amelia noona, leisurely all by herself, just like usual.
The kitchen staff spotted me but didn't make a fuss, just kept at their work like normal. Thanks to that, I was able to sidle right up to noona without a peep.
"Noona. Uh, yeah. I'm back...?"
"......"
Amelia noona, who'd been sitting there idly, just stared at my face as I approached. Come to think of it, I only just noticed—her hands were empty. No beer mug in sight, which she always had glued to her.
Noona on the wagon? Isn't this as serious as the mess with Siron and Kernax?
"Haa......"
"Wh-what's wrong?"
Noona suddenly let out a deep sigh. Was she pissed that I'd fucked up a simple errand and gotten kidnapped? Yeah, totally plausible. I'd volunteered for this whole business(?) venture, and then the main guy just vanishes.
"You okay?"
"Huh?"
"......I mean your body's fine, right? You must've gone through some rough shit out there."
"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm good. As you can see, fit as a fiddle. The temple treated me great, honestly. I lived like a king."
"Good... then that's that. Head upstairs."
"......For real?"
"What, you gonna go bus tables or something?"
"Well... if noona says so."
"Quit your bullshit and scram."
"Aye aye."
What to make of this? She's seriously down in the dumps. But it doesn't feel like it's about me. Noona looked kinda gloomy, almost depressed, so I turned back around.
"Noona."
"What... If you've got shit to say, spit it out all at once. Don't drag it out."
"Dunno how to put it, but... you look kinda low-energy."
"......"
"So anyway, didn't I mention last time how good I am at massages?"
"......And?"
"So, how about I give you one? We can chat about that product of mine while I'm at it."
Of course, I also planned to pick her brain on the Siron-Kernax situation midway through. No matter how I sliced it, my dickhead brain was the root problem, but it was utterly useless for actually fixing their beef. Sure, I pulled dumb impulsive shit sometimes, but I wasn't brain-dead enough to suggest they fuck it out.
"Haa... you think your fumbling around's gonna do jack? Fine, give it a shot."
Amelia noona stuck out her forearm, nicely toned with muscle. I gently kneaded it with both hands.
"Huh."
"What kinda massage is that? You idiot."
Noona's skin had that soft, womanly feel. But it was only skin-deep—inside, it was rock-solid. I pressed hard as hell, but no joke, not even a pinky joint sank in. Her arm was pure steel.
Normally I'd bail here, but I had my reasons, so no quitting now. I stopped messing with her forearm and said,
"Noona, I know you're flexing on purpose. Who tenses up for a massage? Mine's special anyway, so just try it once."
"......Haa. Fine. Come to my room tonight."
"Aye aye."
Her face said she was just agreeing to shut me up, but that was enough for me. I bailed quick before her mood soured more.
I skipped lunch, pacing around agonizing over the Siron-Kernax dilemma. Next thing I knew, sunset was painting the window. Stomach growling for dinner, I figured I'd kill two birds and headed to noona's room via the back stairs and kitchen.
Naturally, the kitchen was way busier now than at lunch. Adventurers knew evenings were prime drinking time.
I scanned for noona's usual seat. Empty. No way? I glanced around—no, she hadn't gone back to her room yet. Spotted her at one side, artfully plating sandwiches.
I crept up carefully.
"Perfect timing. Take this to my room and wait."
"Huh? Oh, aye aye."
Thought I'd been stealthy, but folks like noona had some sixth sense I lacked. I took the plate she handed me and headed to her room on the down-low.
"Whoa...... what? Did she call a cleaning service while I was gone?"
Her room, which I hadn't seen in ages, was spotless—way cleaner than I'd expected. I'd given it a solid scrub before, but with her lifestyle, I figured it'd be trashed quick. Surprise.
I plopped into a chair that smelled brand-new, set the plate on the table, and waited. Shortly, noona came in with another plate of sandwiches like mine and a wooden mug.
"Whoa...... milk?"
"Problem?"
"Nah, suits you better anyway. But noona with milk instead of booze? Something really up... Gah!! W-wait, does booze kill you now...?"
"Shut your jinxing mouth and eat, dumbass."
"Aye."
Her reaction said no illness. Anyway, I crammed noona's killer sandwich in my mouth and chugged the cool milk. Man, her sandwiches were next-level—no denying that.
"......Kid. You scarfing it down means you're really fine, huh."
"Mmfphgrr—"
"Fuck!! Don't spray!! Did I say talk with food in your mouth?!"
Come to think of it, yeah, she had. Gulp. I swallowed the rest.
"So what'd you wanna say that you bugged me all afternoon?"
"......That obvious?"
Noona smirked at my question and sipped her milk—beer replacement.
"You pull some airheaded stunts, but you're not clueless. A guy like you sticks around when I'm obviously annoyed as hell? Means you've got something on your mind."
"Ahem, yeah, I've got eyes."
Noona chuckled softly again.
"Anyway, out with it."
Nothing major, but her mood felt way brighter than earlier. Good.
"Well, see..."
I spilled everything to noona about this morning's brutal Siron-Kernax showdown.
"I'm the cause, sure... but no clue how to fix it."
"......Hey. Smith."
"Yeah, noona."
Amelia noona was glaring at me with a sulky look.
"Before I answer, one question. Why bring it to me?"
"Dunno... just had a feeling you'd know. All that experience? And you were a hotshot silver-rank adventurer in the capital. Figured you'd been around the block with guys..."
"That what you think?"
"......Ain't it?"
Noona didn't answer, just sulked and sipped her milk.
"Whatever. So, two chicks fighting over you—what to do, right?"
"Yes. Exactly."
Noona got it in one. Experience.
"Kid. Thought it was some big crisis, but that's it?"
"Noona, it's a massive fucking problem for me."
"Massive my ass. Two bitches in heat scrapping over one dick—what's the big deal? Happens all the time in the desert, no?"
"Uh... not in my tribe."
Polygamy in modern society? Headline news material.
"Hm... yeah, your antics don't scream typical desert boy."
"Anyway, no solution?"
"No, you moron. Girls can throw down sometimes—what's there to worry? Or dump one. Problem solved."
"Absolutely not."
"Don't glare. Free meal went to your head, huh? Glaring at your sky-high noona."
"Ahem..."
Couldn't help getting heated at "dump one."
"Anyway, won't ditch either, so shut up and wait. Think they'd dump you over this crap?"
"They wouldn't?"
"Not unless they're total wrecks. Siron's got a wild streak, but not that bad."
"Uh, yeah. I think so too."
Relief—Siron’s rep wasn’t as trashed as I feared. Probably.
"She started it by not reining in her temper when Kernax was ready to back down early. You just wait for the outcome. Got it?"
"Outcome... what?"
"Duh. Hierarchy."
Hierarchy? I tilted my head, and noona chewed half a sandwich before explaining.
"From what you said, Kernax was gonna submit at first, but Siron couldn't hold back and slapped her in front of you. Twice. Well, second time Kernax snapped, so once maybe."
I replayed it. Kiss... Siron kissed Kernax... more than once. Kicking the office door, smashing the desk, kicking shards at Kernax...
Weird. Siron's overkill made sense now. But so did her doing it. Conclusion: I'm trash. Smith, you fuck. Grab your dick and reflect.
As I self-reflected, someone pounded noona's door like they meant to break it.
"Who the fuck!!"
—Vice Captain Giena of the guard!!
"Guards? Because of Kernax?"
—Yes!! Captain and adventurer Siron have half-demolished the North Gate residential district!! We tried stopping them, but damage just grew...
I thought I'd misheard and glanced at noona, but her forehead-slapping face said I heard right.
"What a shitshow."