Is It My Fault This Time Too?
Devouring my own business card had been a pity, but fortunately my memory wasn’t as bad as I thought, so I could still find a way to reach out later.
Among the viewers, someone mentioned it.
“Today’s pop-up store event is being run by the HLG Esports team. Hanwha Life Esports, of course— the Hanwha Baby Liz baseball team comes to mind first. I guess they really do have a gaming side to it.”
Anyway, I quickly created a new memo note in the corner of my screen where the display was clear and jotted down the names of the pro players I’d met.
HLG Truerock.
That should be enough. Even if I don’t know the coach’s name, I can look up the front office number and reach out for contact info.
While I was doing that, every new viewer who joined gave their approval.
The existing viewers who’d been watching my broadcasts had already given a few replies in my stead, but introducing my stream and setting the direction was ultimately my job.
The viewer count kept climbing past three hundred, and every time it refreshed it would jump by two digits. My chest tightened at the sight, but I stayed calm and started my self-introduction.
I wasn’t facing anyone in person, and this was nothing different from before, so there was no need to be tense.
“Um… everyone, welcome. I’m Noel. I’m streaming top lane for League of Champions right now, and I’m currently sitting at Master 400 points…”
That seemed to be the catalyst. The viewers’ questions about my stream vanished, and they started demanding I continue.
Some wanted the camera to catch my face in the middle, but I thought about the people who would feel uncomfortable just from seeing a face.
There was no reason for me to put my stream at risk by showing my face.
“I’ll queue a match now. The ‘pretty’ comment is just something people say to be nice. If you actually see me, you’ll probably feel pretty gross. My father used to hit me every time he looked at my face, saying it made him sick and giving me goosebumps. Please don’t feel uncomfortable just because I have an ugly face—imagine a pretty one instead and watch away.”
By explaining why I wouldn’t show my face, the viewers understood on their own. The support from my existing viewers had also helped persuade them. Well, I could understand their minds. Women weren’t just concepts meant to attract men’s attention by gender alone. I remembered friends asking, “Are there girls going there?” in school. Even in open KakaoTalk, if all I showed was a tiny hint of being female, I’d get endless handshake requests with no proof. The opposite—if a man posted the same thing, almost no one would respond. Only people joking about “you nerd, you caught the concept” would engage. My head knew the right thing was for those viewers to drop off on their own, but the fact that so many had come specifically because they were curious made me feel a little dizzy.
It was tempting to think one more person wasn’t worth missing.
But then I thought, it was actually okay.
“Speaking of which, instead of my face, I could set up a cute avatar that moves with my body and stream. Would that be better? You’d probably enjoy watching a pretty character like Ahri or Akali more than an ugly one.”
I felt like I was being talked about. I was a man inside, but I was streaming in the skin of a girl. But VTubers are people who had the courage to reveal they were men and then voluntarily put on a cute avatar with viewers. In contrast, I didn’t have the courage to say I was a man. If I did, no one would believe me, and I’d just be treated as a lunatic. Gabi saying she recognized me as Yoon Noel was a miracle. Moreover, VTubers didn’t even bother with the top half of their cute avatar. I wasn’t doing that either. I felt like I’d already lost to VTubers twice. Once I accepted the defeat, I didn’t feel like putting on an avatar. I was already broadcasting in something that wasn’t my real appearance—why would I add another layer of skin? That would just make me too pathetic.
“After listening to everyone, I thought about it seriously. Yeah, it’s probably better not to. Making an avatar is expensive, and I might be overdoing it.”
The viewers seemed to mostly accept my choice. Still, the people who kept asking about my face kept coming. Their taste was pretty unique—wanting to see an ugly face. Well, even with the strict warnings on the box, there were bound to be people who wanted forbidden knowledge. So I answered lightly.
“When we’re close enough that you’ll still watch even if you see my face and call it gross, that’s when I’ll think about it. Maybe I’ll have to climb to Master for that.”
It was a joke, but the viewers’ persistence made me think maybe one day I’d be okay with turning on the camera. Right now I was just a streamer and viewer, so there was no reason to add unnecessary discomfort by showing my face on camera.
Friends don’t care if each other’s faces are handsome or ugly. There’s even a book that says ugly people enjoy seeing each other’s faces. That could actually be a warm element. Of course I wasn’t planning to keep the camera on all the time. Sometimes I might raise it while eating together and call it a meal cam. That could be fun too.
Curious about the sudden offer of a bus, I asked the viewer.
“A bus? Cookie-nim, what’s your tier and position?”
It wouldn’t be easy to force a win from the Bronze tier, but having a duo queue would help reduce the number of trolls. Normally I wouldn’t have cared, but with two wins still needed to meet my coach’s promise, I was feeling a little impatient. One loss meant three wins instead of two, and losing two would mean more wins needed. I’d had trouble playing without worrying about the win-loss record until now.
That was just teasing chat, but by telling me so honestly before canceling the match, it made it easy to laugh it off as a joke. The tier difference was so big that the system probably wouldn’t even let us play anyway. At least the joke was fun enough to laugh at.
“Hehe. Interesting person. Ah, I got matched.”
And just in time, the match started. It was time to snap back from my loose mood and get tense.
One loss would push me farther from the dream of becoming a pro gamer.