Thanks to You Guys, I'm Okay
After living like this for so long, I thought my emotions had become as numb as a person who’d been beaten too many times.
The only relief I got was choking my own throat or sleeping it off to reset.
But now I see that’s because I’d grown too used to the negative. That’s why I felt fine until I hit the plus side and went into full rollercoaster mode.
Becoming a woman really did bring the emotions out in full force.
Even when I was male, I could get teary-eyed over family movies or those sappy books, but I never felt the sudden swell of feeling that made me cry and then cry harder from the tears themselves.
“Hmph. Sorry. We’re sorry too. I never cried when Dad hit me, but now that I’m getting emotional, the tears just won’t stop on their own.”
It was awkward, so I joked it off.
Gabi and Jaemin just stared at me with their mouths hanging open, completely at a loss.
The viewers were spamming “…” and crying emojis.
Yeah, not a great effect.
I meant it as a joke.
I really don’t like this kind of vibe.
I hated when people pitied me like some helpless kid and tried to baby me around.
But I guess I’ll have to let that go.
Still, there was no better time to clear the table than right now, after we’d demolished the tteokbokki and fried food and ordered coffee to keep chatting.
I gently pushed my wheelchair back and said, “Then shall we head out? Did everyone eat okay?”
“Yeah… it was fine.”
“We could have rested a little longer.”
Gabi got up from her seat without hesitation.
Jaemin, on the other hand, asked me with obvious concern.
Of course he was probably thinking I hadn’t fully calmed down yet.
This was the only chance I’d have to escape the girls’ chatter.
I quickly wheeled myself to the counter.
“It’s fine. Sir, can you take care of the bill?”
“Thirty-two thousand won. Your eyes are still a bit red—are you sure I can’t give you a tissue to press against them?”
“Ah, no thanks, but I appreciate it.”
It was already lunchtime, so a few more customers had trickled in, but the fact that we’d cried right here in the open space must have caught their attention.
The auntie who served us clearly knew what happened.
Yet she still slid over a friendly little gesture like it was nothing.
The cool, moist tissue felt amazing against my eyes. The heat in my sockets cooled off almost instantly.
While the bill was being calculated, I held onto the used tissue and stepped out of the bungeoppang shop.
I loved these little acts of kindness.
You keep them forever instead of throwing them away.
Since it’s a tissue, I can just rinse it and use it again later.
I didn’t even need Gabi or Jaemin to help me down the stairs with the wheelchair.
They hadn’t called me a “transforming robot” for nothing.
With just a little adjustment, this chair could maintain perfect balance and glide up and down stairs like it was nothing.
But right as we stepped out of the bungeoppang shop, I spotted the restaurant worker who’d kicked us out earlier walking out of the neighboring gukbap shop.
I didn’t look him in the eye, so he probably hadn’t recognized me.
But the outfit gave it away instantly.
He’d thrown us out and even spread rumors behind our backs.
Well, I wasn’t that mad at him.
People say they insult the president when no one’s watching; cursing at customers shouldn’t be that big a deal.
Still, I didn’t want to make eye contact, so I turned slightly and headed toward the subway station.
Was it Nietzsche who said something about the abyss? Or was it that if we could see them, they could see us too?
The worker looked like he was on his way home from work, and instead of waiting for the crosswalk signal, he started sprinting straight toward us.
“Wait! Wheelchair kid over there!”
Even though the road was quiet, crosswalks existed for a reason.
Did he really not know that crossing on a red light is dangerous?
…Maybe I was being too cynical.
Just because I’d run red lights before didn’t mean everyone else had to.
Thinking that, I glanced back at her.
Yeah, she was definitely calling me.
The way I figured, the gukbap shop worker was coming straight at me.
Ah, now that his shift was over, maybe he was just a part-timer.
Anyway, he got close, bowed deeply, and blurted out, “I’m sorry! I think I must’ve been a little too sharp-tongued earlier…”
Jaemin made a stunned sound beside me.
Since he and I had watched the same tteokbokki video together, Gabi had already jumped up, ready to fight for me.
But I grabbed her wrist and answered casually.
“Ah, yeah. It’s possible. It’s fine.”
I’d cried because Gabi, Jaemin, and the viewers had taken my side.
That woman’s insults weren’t even worth worrying about.
I’d heard worse from League of Champions players alone.
Was this the real fun of the game?
A few rude words and it didn’t even ruin your mood.
So I accepted the apology.
A misunderstanding happens sometimes.
It wasn’t a fist, just someone snapping under pressure.
I’d already accepted the apology, so she couldn’t be all that bad.
I was about to keep walking when the woman clung to me, saying, “B-but it got posted on SNS. I didn’t know you were that kind of person… I’m really sorry, but could you please pass on an apology to the fans? If you come again, I’ll give you something extra as a service…”
If she’d just apologized and left, it would’ve been fine.
The extra words rubbed me the wrong way.
It wasn’t as if we weren’t the ones broadcasting or that no one had posted the video on SNS.
The fact that she thought the apology was only because they’d insulted her made me feel even more uncomfortable.
Would I have apologized if I’d been an ordinary person?
From what I’d already said, the answer was clear.
Because she thought we were that type.
And I hated that fake sincerity.
It was more than enough to see it from my father and mother for twenty years.
I didn’t want to see it from anyone else.
“We’ve already exchanged enough bad feelings. I’m not in the mood to go anywhere else.”
“Huh? But you just said you were fine…”
“Being fine is fine. Going to the gukbap shop or not is up to you. If you want to go, go. If not, don’t.”
“Noeul’s right. It’s their fault, why should we fix it?”
I said it coldly, and Jaemin backed me up.
Gabi quietly rested her hand on my shoulder, like she was becoming my protector.
Thanks to them, I could face the trembling woman with a steady heart.
Her face, carefully covered in makeup, had flushed bright red, looking like she was furious.
But I wasn’t afraid of it.
“Th-this disabled woman is mocking me!”
What a funny story.
The person who had just bowed was now raising her hand, probably because there was nothing left to lose.
Was she going to slap me?
I wasn’t the kind of saint who took the left cheek and offered the right, but I was used to being hit.
I could just take one solid slap and call the police.
…But did I look like I was going to get beaten?
Like my dad, like Bae Deuro, like this woman.
But maybe because I’d been hit so many times, I couldn’t react properly.
Or maybe a woman’s cheek doesn’t carry any spirit.
The palm flying toward me felt strangely slow, so I tilted my head just a little.
No impact, no pain—just the woman’s hand brushing past empty air.
She must have put all her strength into that swing, lost her balance, and tumbled straight to the ground, screaming.
“Aaah! These women are hitting decent people! Hey, neighbors! Someone call the police!”
Yeah, I should’ve just taken the hit.
I was still thinking that when Jaemin shot back from the side with disbelief.
“Ma’am. We were filming the whole thing. You fell on your own cheek and now you’re doing self-victimization?”
“W-what? This is being filmed too! That’s copyright infringement! I’ll sue! I’ll sue you!”
“Face isn’t even visible anyway, what copyright… Then let’s just go to the police station and do it by the book.”
“Jaemin, let’s just go. I’ll play one more League of Champions instead.”
Even if we went to the police, it would be hard to prove anything.
I knew that assault cases rarely get real punishment.
If I wanted compensation, Jaemin would have to file a civil suit based on the broadcast video.
But that would damage his stream.
It wasn’t even necessary—the woman would get her own punishment from the people around her.
The shop might go out of business, or people might shun her.
And that was her responsibility, not mine.
“But Noeul, you were almost hit a second ago… Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I didn’t get hit. Ah, if I’d dodged like this and countered when Dad hit me, I would’ve landed a sol-kill.”
“…”
“Um, that joke was bad, right?”
“It was really bad. Hey, do all your League of Champions players talk like that?”
“No… Noeul is just… weird. Or rather, unique.”
I was trying to lighten the mood, but neither Gabi nor Jaemin responded.
They’d jumped in when I yelled at the woman.
They just sat there looking dazed now.
We turned toward the subway station, leaving the crumpled woman behind.
Before splitting at our platforms, we exchanged farewells.
“Umm, so Gabi and Noeul are going to buy underwear now?”
“Yeah. Want to come with, Jaemin?”
“Uh… no way. A guy can’t tag along when girls are buying underwear. Yeah, have fun.”
After Jaemin and I headed to the opposite platforms, Gabi asked me.
“But why does Jaemin keep saying he’s a guy? Did he used to be a guy too…?”
“I’m a woman. But in games, people get weird when you say you’re a girl. So he goes by a guy’s name and streams.”
“Ah… I get it. There really are a lot of those cases. But viewers actually believe a pretty girl is a guy?”
“Uh, I think they don’t, but he probably believes it himself. They just treat him like a guy and joke around. And when anyone asks if she’s a girl, he says no, he’s a guy and laughs it off.”
“I see… ……But earlier. Are you really okay?”
And then, a little worried, Gabi asked me.
“Earlier” probably meant the moment the gukbap shop worker followed us.
If he’d been a part-timer, he could have just quit.
But the look on his face and the age suggested the owner or the owner’s wife.
Well, it didn’t really matter.
I looked up at Gabi and gave her a small smile.
“You’re all welcome. Thank you.”
Even if someone with malicious intent stared at me, I hated not being able to see the face of the people on my side.
…Then I felt a little embarrassed and lowered my head again.