The Viewers Like Air
There is no one who enjoys negative emotions.
That's true for anyone.
People who pretend to be depressed or sad are usually just lost in their own misery.
Or they enjoy the sympathy of the people around them while putting on that act.
Of course there are those who crave attention by doing so.
But once you're sunk in that swamp you can't pull yourself out.
If someone asked why you're digging a hole in the ground when you look perfectly fine, you wouldn't even be able to say "Come here and try it yourself."
Since you can't escape anyway, you just sink there until you give up and suffocate.
Wanting to live and wanting to be happy are basic desires every living thing has.
But when you feel with your bones that those things are impossible you can't even struggle.
I hate that feeling.
So when I could I would reset it.
I would strangle myself until I no longer thought such thoughts.
Or just sleep deeply and wake up.
I know sleeping is better than strangling my throat.
People usually forget what they were thinking before they sleep.
But lying down when you want to sleep doesn't always bring sleep.
Anyway, yesterday I slept deeply.
I followed the next-door sister's advice and showered.
Then even after that my mood didn't improve so I just lay on the bed and closed my eyes.
Even if I had stayed in the house all day my mental energy had been drained from playing with tense concentration.
Maybe that's why I fell asleep quickly.
When I woke up and saw myself I didn't feel like moving a single finger.
At the same time I thought I shouldn't stay still like this either.
I wasn't particularly beating myself up for wasting time.
After all I was going to die anyway.
What if I wasted some time?
But I didn't want the viewers who had been watching and enjoying my stream to leave.
I had once sunk to the bottom of a lake and thought I was comfortably drowning.
Now that I had barely surfaced and my throat was freed I wondered if I should be kicking hard like treading water so I wouldn't drown.
That pressure had woken me up.
I pressed the computer power button and forced myself to wash my face.
Looking in the mirror with water dripping down it my red eyes that were just hollow stared back at me.
Do you think viewers watch you because they like your gameplay?
Don't misunderstand. You were just lucky.
Thanks to the nuclear explanation and the disability people pity you and show some interest.
You were just someone sinking deep underwater and a current pulled you up erratically onto the surface.
I had tried to explain from the bottom but rising to the surface like this was truly accidental.
It was only because I had been lucky.
I knew I had to kick like treading water to avoid sinking.
So I turned on the computer and sat in front of it and turned on the stream.
And as usual I started the game queue.
Before long familiar nicknames appeared in the chat.
- 실버판테아 : Boss-nim woke up early
- 실버판테아 : Did you sleep well?
- 띠확찢 : Were you up all night or just woke up?
- 실버판테아 : I work at night...
- 띠확찢 : Not Noeul though ㅡㅡ
- 실버판테아 : ㅡㅡ
Viewers always saying meaningless things like this.
But those words were truly precious to me.
I couldn't help but say something out of the blue.
"You guys are really like air."
It was meant in a good way because I had been thinking about being like a swamp or underwater until just a moment ago.
- 실버판테아 : ㅇㅇ?
- 띠확찢 : What? Are we people who exist but don't matter?
- 실버판테아 : Suddenly...? Uuu... I heard a sad word from Boss-nim... It's sad... Uuu... I'll sleep with my pillow wet from tears...
- 굶주린햄식이 : Not backwards?
- 창든띠모 : Haha it's just something people say every time I turn on the broadcast no?
- 창든띠모 : Honestly they don't do friendship bonding around here because they only know the regular IDs
It was a statement full of misunderstandings so I hurriedly added.
Viewers were shocked and chaos broke out.
"No, I mean a person can't live without air. I just said it because it came to mind. Thanks to you I'm playing games and even when I'm alone I'm not bored."
- 실버판테아 : ㅠㅠ Really? You meant oxygen?
- 띠확찢 : And oxygen doesn't burn easily
- 하트시커드레이모 : Oh... I'll make it rain...
- 렉시아여왕님 : Haha if it means air it makes sense lol everyone comes in the moment Noeul turns on the stream
- 띠확찢 : No? I just left the channel on and Noeul turned on the stream?
- 렉시아여왕님 : This guy's a real evil spirit...
Like air.
Yeah maybe that was the thing I was trying to say.
Not that viewers can't survive without me but thanks to them I could escape the sticky bad feeling.
- 실버판테아 : Did Boss-nim eat breakfast?
"A bit. I'm not particularly hungry. Should I eat?"
- 띠확찢 : Noeul has a really high hunger threshold? I get hungry after one meal what the heck
- 렉시아여왕님 : If you don't have much activity you might
- 렉시아여왕님 : When I was unemployed I ate only two meals a day lol
- 실버판테아 : Anchovies ㅠㅠ Eat something ㅠㅠ
I was happy even with the nagging from the next-door sister.
Of course that didn't mean I was going to eat right away.
A match had just been made.
"Since the match is ready why not play a game and then eat? We can just reheat the chicken we ate yesterday."
[Support message from the user called Kimpari.]
Mission: Heat and eat all the leftover chicken from yesterday.
- 띠확찢 : ㄹㅇ If it wasn't my channel this would be a free meal mission but because it's Noeul it's a challenge lol
- 실버판테아 : Please don't let our Boss starve to death...
- 창든띠모 : Mission is on so we should cancel the match and eat chicken?
If I had just said eat I might have compromised and started the game.
But because there was a sponsor I had no choice but to reject the match.
Even if I can make a lot of money and not worry about eating until I die.
Even before I die I don't want to stop earning easy money so I can live with a little sparkle.
"I have this weird mission for eating breakfast... Thank you I'll start by heating the chicken."
- 실버판테아 : But can I eat it now? Aren't we going to buy a wheelchair later?
- 띠확찢 : That's tomorrow
- 실버판테아 : ㅇㅎ
How long to heat fried chicken.
Rice balls need almost a full minute but maybe two minutes is better.
While waiting I felt sorry I couldn't see the viewers' chat so I brought my phone out of the room.
I had planned to connect to my stream on mobile while the chicken heated.
Of course I could have put the chicken in the microwave and come back.
But because I have this leg it's a task just to walk around.
Is it internet broadcast addiction if I do this during the short two minutes because I don't want to be alone?
- Noel : Everyone
- Noel : What is the definition of addiction that I can't even do my work or daily life?
- 실버판테아 : ㅇㅇ? Why all of a sudden?
- 띠확찢 : Who called Noeul a gamer addict?
- 띠확찢 : But Noeul's job is gaming so it's fine
- 창든띠모 : Why are you not talking on mic and suddenly in chat
- Noel : I'm waiting for the chicken to heat up in front of the microwave
- Noel : Because I only have one leg it's annoying to walk back and forth
- 창든띠모 : Ah...
- Noel : So I brought my phone to chat with you guys
- Noel : Does this mean I have internet broadcast addiction?
- 띠확찢 : Haha the job ethics are strong
- 실버판테아 : ㅠㅠ Because we like you right? We love our Boss too
- 렉시아여왕님 : Are you a pedo?
- 실버판테아 : ??? We know that's not what you meant you bad guy
- 띠확찢 : Fact) Noeul is an adult
Even if the conversation was meaningless.
If it could only drive away the unpleasant empty feeling I heard a moment ago that would be enough.
So I couldn't let go of the viewers.
I was glad I brought my phone out.
And just then the microwave chimed happily that the chicken was done.
The viewers heard it and said so.
- 띠확찢 : The microwave is done
- 실버판테아 : Boss-nim's eating time~~ I should eat dinner too
- 띠확찢 : Where do you even live that you're eating dinner now
- 실버판테아 : I get off work and now eat dinner lol eating before bed is dinner
- 렉시아여왕님 : If you're eating dinner at this time I wonder if you're on the other side of the world lol
So I carried the chicken back in front of the monitor and the conversation had already changed to something else.
- 띠확찢 : But I don't hear the next-door sister talking but I hear the microwave sound clearly
- Starfall : ㅇㅇ the microwave sound is louder than the next-door sister lol
Always such unpredictable topics.
But that's the charm of internet broadcasting.
The kind of scatter where you chat about random things like when friends gossip.
I like that.
"Yeah? Maybe the microwave has a higher tone? Maybe the next-door sister's voice is too calm."
- 띠확찢 : Hmm maybe
- 실버판테아 : ㅇㅇ higher sounds carry farther
- 윌리엄체페리 : Sound is waves...! Higher frequency higher pitch!
- 띠확찢 : Higher frequency more energy? I know about amplitude but frequency too?
- 윌리엄체페리 : Maybe
Claims of pseudo-science or real science flew back and forth.
While that happened I set up the camera so the chicken would show and picked up a drumstick.
"I'll eat well."
But when I took a bite the fried chicken didn't have that happy taste with crispy skin and flowing juice like yesterday.
The fried coating was tough and the chicken dry.
The oil had solidified and was greasy with salt mixed in.
But I didn't want to say it tasted bad.
It was chicken I received as a gift but because viewers who supported me were eating it with me.
But the world didn't want me to eat such chicken quietly.
The doorbell rang outside.
- 띠확찢 : Not even a dog bothers you when you're eating...
- 실버판테아 : Dogs are water
- 띠확찢 : What? Noeul only has one leg and doesn't even drink water so you're worse than a dog?
- 실버판테아 : Bad guy!!!
- 렉시아여왕님 : Rare to see good people visiting in the morning...
- SpaceBar : At least it's a gas inspector lol
- 렉시아여왕님 : Ah gas inspectors are also annoying lol they always come on weekdays
- 띠확찢 : Well their working hours are then so no choice... Most people go to work in the afternoon lol
The microwave sound was there and the doorbell rang so the viewers were noisy.
Anyway with a visitor I had to check who it was.
I asked for the viewers' understanding and put down the chicken I was eating.
I roughly wiped the oil from my hand with a tissue and picked up the intercom.
A woman I didn't recognize stood outside.
Slender figure in stylish clothes and a slightly older face hidden under makeup.
Was she a proselytizer from some religious group?
And behind her was the security uncle too.
In that suspicious combination I didn't open the door but picked up the intercom.
"Who is it?"
"Hello. I came because my son did something terrible to the student living here last time. I came to apologize."
"..."
If a person who did something terrible comes to the house a few people might recognize.
Was it the one who mediated the agreement or one of the ones who decided not to mediate?
Since I didn't see the face I could check the face on the intercom.
I closely examined the woman's face on the intercom and thought I knew who it was.
Bae Deuro's mother.
My stomach twisted.