Longtime Friend
I never knew if I had been female from the very beginning. I only know that twenty years living as a man and then suddenly becoming a woman was something anyone could see was absurd. That was exactly why my father and mother had kept me locked inside the house. I myself had thought the same thing was strange, so I never spoke about it to anyone around me. When I went to the neighborhood office, the official who changed my registered gender had simply nodded and said it was a common error. “Oh, your gender registration is wrong.” “Just flip the first letter and it’s fixed. It happens all the time.” Something like that. Logically, a healthy adult shouldn’t have their gender altered at the genetic level. There was a real case like mine, but of course no one would believe it. I would just be labeled insane. Instead, the fact that my mother rushed me to the hospital the moment she saw me, ran every test, and even ordered a full genetic scan—though they only did it under the excuse of a paternity test—was truly miraculous. The report said I carried XX chromosomes, not XY, yet they still called me their daughter. I couldn’t tell anyone I had been male and was now female, so that was the only thing I could say. In the end, I had been born female but had been entered as male because of a computer error. That was what everyone had misunderstood. Well, once the world learned I had changed gender, nothing would have been good. The medical world might have wanted to study me like an animal. If I dug into conspiracy theories, I might even have been kidnapped and turned into a lab subject. The media would have stuck to me like glue, refusing to let me live an ordinary life. But maybe this was better. The price was that all twenty years of my life had been completely erased. My father and mother had wasted twenty years of love, time, and money. That was why father had beaten me and mother had turned away from me. And not just them. Even if you were extremely close, friends couldn’t save you when you were male. Yet I had no desire to delete Gabi from my friend list or sever the tie. My parents had always told me to wait until university to date. I never confessed to anyone, but there was once a girl I liked. Because of that lingering feeling, I finally started typing on the keyboard. I hoped Gabi wouldn’t share the truth even if it sounded unbelievable to viewers.
- Noel : “Hey, long time no see.” - Noel : “How have you been?” - 가비공쥬 : “I’m good lol” - 가비공쥬 : “I was really upset you didn’t contact me for months and I forgot about you ㅠㅠ” - 가비공쥬 : “You deleted the KakaoTalk and stopped answering calls or texts…” - 가비공쥬 : “I actually thought you must have joined the army.” - 가비공쥬 : “You forgot you once promised to date after going to university? lol”
Gabi fired the first shot with a thoughtless line. As soon as her whisper appeared, the chat exploded.
- 띠확찢 : “What university and who’d you date?” - 띠확찢 : “Noel’s gonna have a boyfriend now?” - 렉시아여왕님 : “But if it’s Gabi’s account, she’s definitely a girl, right?” - Starfall : “There are tons of guys who call themselves princess anyway.” - Starfall : “Guys have never called girls princess. They don’t even write food names like grapefruit soda.” - 민트초코파르페 : “Haha, the university girl now~” - 졸려죽겠네 : “But dating at university… did Noel go to college? Isn’t he just a kid?” - 띠확찢 : “He’s officially an adult, lol. He’s short because of the abuse he suffered.” - 띠확찢 : “Noel hates people talking about his personal life, so let’s drop it.” - 졸려죽겠네 : “Jss”
It wasn’t the worst outcome. The viewers still didn’t know I had been male. Of course, if Gabi kept talking, they might have thought she was just joking or made some wild accusation, but honestly it would have been better if nothing was revealed. I bit my lip and answered.
- Noel : “It’s just something from when I was really childish…” - 가비공쥬 : “Wah” - 가비공쥬 : “You’re playing with a woman’s heart now? ㅠㅠ” - 가비공쥬 : “I kept waiting for you and still hadn’t dated anyone…”
It was true that I had always considered Gabi a close friend. We had grown up together at the same school and academy, studied together every day. Both of us had come from comfortable families, so nothing had ever gone wrong. We became not just friends but also good rivals. The only “misbehavior” we ever did was buying tteokbokki from a street stall together on the way home after the academy closed and splitting the money. Still, hearing that someone had feelings like that made my chest tighten. At the same time, I felt a painful regret. Because I had become a girl, I could never return that feeling.
- 띠확찢 : “??? Is that chick a girl too?” - 띠확찢 : “Is she about to start sobbing like a polar bear?” - 렉시아여왕님 : “Girls just mess around like that all the time lol” - 졸려죽겠네 : “Guys do it all the time too.” - Starfall : “Gay gay gay gay.”
The chatters who had been wild earlier suddenly grew quiet. Earlier they had assumed Gabi was male because I was female. Now they thought the teasing was just between girls. Maybe it was because dating stories always caused drama, but since it was just friends joking around, no one got too worked up.
“Gabi is a friend I’ve known since kindergarten. After I started university somewhere else, we got busy and couldn’t talk for a while…”
The viewers could probably guess the rest anyway. I told Gabi the truth about our relationship without lying. Then I answered back.
- Noel : “I’m not in a situation where I can date anyone right now…” - Noel : “Sorry.” - 가비공쥬 : “?? Is something really wrong?” - 가비공쥬 : “Can you even use your phone?” - 가비공쥬 : “Did they kidnap you and you’re secretly playing games?” - 가비공쥬 : “But your rank is Master? Did they trap you in some forced league facility or something?”
I couldn’t contact Gabi because my father had deleted all my contacts. I had to create a new KakaoTalk account. From the beginning I wasn’t allowed to contact anyone; the phone had to stay in the living room. If I explained the situation, it would inevitably lead to the truth that I had become female. Then both Gabi and the viewers would think I was crazy. So I gave a vague answer.
- Noel : “It just happened that way.” - Noel : “I can contact now though.” - Noel : “If you keep your number, I’ll message you on KakaoTalk…” - Noel : “Let’s not talk through games. Use KakaoTalk instead.” - 가비공쥬 : “Yeah, sure.” - 가비공쥬 : “So should we play normal games together? I have two more friends.” - 가비공쥬 : “Back then both of us were Silver so rank duo was fine lol” - Noel : “Sure.”
For now, at least, nothing that viewers might misunderstand had come up. I finally relaxed and invited Gabi to the game waiting room. With a lighter heart I could now message her. This time not through in-game chat but on KakaoTalk. I didn’t want the screen to pop up if we talked on computer, so I used my phone. My phonebook was empty, but I still remembered the numbers of my father, mother, the late grandmother, and Gabi. I could dial them even if they were a little blurry because my hands remembered. An empty slot appeared in the phonebook and I added it. Then I searched for Gabi on KakaoTalk. Her profile picture showed her bathing the big dog she raised at home. The status message underneath said “Can’t do homework right now.” Unlike me, who was sliding down a hill and now racing along the bottom, Gabi was steadily climbing the uphill slope. It didn’t make me jealous, but envy was still envy. If only my father and mother had accepted me, I might have lived this ordinary campus life. Taken a semester off, changed my identity, and become a freshman. …If gender hadn’t changed, maybe I would have been dating Gabi. Ah, yes. The envy wasn’t for Gabi. It was for the future I had lost. That was what made me feel small. Even though I had been cut off for a while because of my own circumstances, Gabi was still the one sending me happy messages. We couldn’t be lovers, but we were still friends.
I sent Gabi a message on KakaoTalk.
- 윤노을 : “Sorry for deleting KakaoTalk… I couldn’t use my phone for a while.” - 주가비 : “You” - 주가비 : “Who is this?” - 주가비 : “Who are you using Noel’s ID and phone number?”
But right now, on KakaoTalk, Gabi was acting cautious with me.