The Shower
I was no more used to my body than I had been last night.
Living as a man my whole life, and suddenly turning into a girl overnight—who could just get used to that?
Well, of course, over time I’d probably adjust eventually. Maybe someone would give me helpful words. Or support me fully. Or just treat me the same as before, ignoring the change in gender or appearance altogether. Then I’d realize that nothing in my life had actually been disrupted by the gender or body swap, and I’d just live my normal life.
But I wasn’t that lucky.
My parents had already started rejecting me as a girl, hiding me out of embarrassment.
When I was a boy, I never knew my father had that violent side.
He was the perfect son who did exactly what he was told—smart, got great grades, all because of his superior genes.
No need for violence there.
I was happy in my role as the good son, proud of my son.
After I became a girl, my father’s attitude changed completely. I thought it was my fault.
Even though I didn’t want it, I blamed myself for being a girl.
I despaired that I hadn’t met my parents’ expectations, and I immediately assumed it was all my fault and endured every punch and kick.
Idiot that I was.
Well, I could guess how angry they must have been. The perfect son they’d raised, sent to academy, fed nutritious food, dressed in nice clothes—it became completely useless.
Maybe they regretted the investment.
But after my father died and my mother went to prison, living alone made it clear.
They had never seen me as their son.
They had only seen the doll they wanted.
The ideal figurine that did everything they asked, so the expectations and disappointments had been huge.
Well, it’s just that I could understand them, not that I would accept it.
After all, they were people who no longer had any use for me, so it didn’t matter anymore.
But the disgust I’d carved into my body and mind back then—I still hadn’t come to terms with it.
My father was dead anyway, and my mother would be out before I died, so no need to watch my expression anymore.
That was why I hated my body.
I hated the ominous red eyes too, and the pale skin like a diseased horse.
I hated how small I’d become, and my tiny stomach that threw everything back up if I ate just a little too much.
The mere sight of my reflection made my body stiffen with panic.
That’s why I hated even the bathroom where I could finally face myself fully.
As soon as I stepped into the bathroom, the mirror was right there—no matter what I did.
I didn’t want to see my unfocused eye that was even creepier without focus, and I didn’t want to see this pitiful body.
“Noel-ah. You’ve been in here for a while. Why aren’t you making any noise? I’ll have to come in and wash you.”
“Ah, no. I’ll wash myself.”
I wasn’t even making the body odor, after all. Just that vague mix of deodorant and milk smell.
So I’d been putting off the shower, and I’d gone this long without needing to face it.
But because the woman waiting outside was pushing me toward the bathroom, I had no choice but to wash today.
I finally stopped glaring at myself in the mirror and took off the oversized hoodie.
What was left was a painfully thin naked body.
My mother had bought me clothes I never wore when I was a boy, but now that I was a girl she didn’t buy me anything that actually fit, so I ended up in the same hoodie I’d worn as a boy.
The panties and briefs were so loose they just slid down, and I didn’t bother putting them on because they were uncomfortable anyway.
It was embarrassing to look at my naked self, so I deliberately turned away from the mirror.
But the last time I’d seen myself, I’d lost more weight.
It was only natural, since I wasn’t eating properly.
But I was going to die anyway. Why bother gaining weight and taking care of my health?
Same logic—why bother showering at all?
I could just die like this.
…But I was a coward.
I didn’t have the courage to die right now, so how could I endure a kindly person’s words turning malicious?
I grabbed the wall and took that first step toward the tub, one step at a time.
If I still had both legs, I would have just stepped in.
But now that I only had one leg to support myself, I had to sit on the edge first, then swing my body over.
Then I turned on the faucet.
The water bill was still ticking, so hot water hadn’t run out yet.
But turning the knob didn’t mean warm water came out immediately.
I waited there, shivering while the cold water splashed, until hot water finally arrived.
Was it because I was starving? Even though it was chilly, my whole body was trembling.
Winter was over, and outside it was already oppressively hot.
Still, I stood there blankly waiting for the hot water when the woman outside urged me again.
“Noel-ah. Why are you only hearing the sound of water pouring? Did you only get your body wet and not wash properly? Shampoo your hair well and lather up, then apply body wash to your body and lather up too. Got it? Want me to show you how to wash?”
“Ah, I know. I’m not a kid. I was just waiting for the hot water to come out.”
A woman waiting outside the shower.
She wasn’t rushing me to hurry, but my heart started racing anyway.
If I kept dragging my feet like this, the woman would definitely burst in.
Even if she was wearing the proper woman’s outfit, she wouldn’t come into the bathroom like that.
If she was going to wash me, water would still splash everywhere.
She’d take off her stockings and clothes before coming in.
Then I really wouldn’t be able to open my eyes.
I hadn’t dated anyone, but I wasn’t completely ignorant of women’s bodies.
Even if it was a woman whose face and name I didn’t know, if she wore clothes that fit perfectly, I could tell exactly what was underneath.
I’d be embarrassed just imagining it.
It wasn’t just photos or videos—it was a real woman’s body.
Of course, my own body was still a girl’s body.
But if someone called a body that didn’t even have breasts and was painfully thin a woman’s body… well, I wouldn’t feel excited or ashamed at all.
It would just be uncomfortable.
With great difficulty, I calmed the burning face and fluttering chest with my familiar discomfort toward myself.
I took the pouring water from the showerhead over my entire body and started shampooing and soaping.
“Wash your neck and behind your ears well too. And your private parts. Later your sister will smell your scent to see if I did it properly. Your sister probably won’t be able to tell the difference between shampoo smell and Noel’s deodorant scent, right?”
“Of course I do. I’ll wash it properly, so don’t worry.”
“If you don’t wash properly, your sister will wash Noel away, so you have to be thorough.”
Because of the playful voice, I imagined the woman leaning into my neck and sniffing, and even thinking about it made me embarrassed.
I was still a girl, but now that I’d become one, I had no right to reject women.
To stop the woman from turning it into a big incident, I scrubbed my body desperately.
For my hair, I just lathered the shampoo and the bubbles would wash the dirt and oil away on their own.
For my body, I squeezed body wash onto a shower towel, made some lather, and started scrubbing from my arms.
My strength had weakened beyond comparison, and my skin had softened along with it.
When I rubbed, my skin burned painfully.
Well, that was nothing compared to what my father used to do.
After I became a monster covered in bubbles, I rinsed myself off with hot water all at once.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt refreshed.
There was definitely some credit for the person who had been kind to me after a long time, but the refreshing feeling after showering was still just a conditioned reflex my father and mother couldn’t erase.
Maybe because I used a lot of strength washing my body, or because I was tired, I sat on the edge of the tub for a moment to rest.
My hair sticking to my shoulders, neck, and back was uncomfortable.
I’d have to wipe it off with a towel later, but in the meantime it would dry while I played games.
When I lowered my head, the water gathered in my heavy hair and it drooped, dripping.
I stared at the drops falling onto the floor until my neck started to ache.
“Noel-ah. Why aren’t you hearing the sound of drying your hair with a towel? Is it too heavy to move? Want your sister to help?”
“Ah, no! I’ll do it myself!”
The woman was trying to come into the bathroom again.
It was embarrassing even for this pitiful body that someone might see.
I hurriedly reached for the towel and stood up.
When I was a boy, I could just sit in the tub and stretch my arm to grab the towel.
Now that my height had shrunk, even that was hard.
I had to stand up.
But maybe it was because I’d become too anxious doing it.
Or maybe it was because moving with only one leg wasn’t something I was used to in the bathroom.
The water on the floor instantly made me slip, and I instinctively reached out with my other leg to balance, but it did nothing.
The leg without an ankle was just slightly better than having no leg at all—no real support for balance.
“Ah…!”
My arm that reached for the wall only flailed uselessly.
I fell straight onto the bathroom floor.