I'm Sorry About This Too
I don't remember my relatives all that well anymore.
Back in my kindergarten days I think I still saw them sometimes, but I know by then we had stopped making offerings at the altar.
That change must have happened after my grandfather passed away.
My grandfather and grandmother both loved it when the family—my dad and his siblings and their kids—showed up.
Even the grandchildren from my uncles' side came sometimes.
But I remember him saying he didn't want to burden us with the rituals.
He hoped the holidays would just be families getting together to eat and share a meal.
So when I started elementary school, using school as an excuse, I barely saw my relatives at all.
The only exceptions were visiting on New Year's and Chuseok, and on my grandmother's birthday.
Even those visits happened on different days, so I never actually crossed paths with any of them.
“What brings you here?”
“Your father hasn't been answering calls. Are you alone? Where's your father-in-law? Why is the house so cold…?”
Aunt Gomo looked completely confused.
Of course she didn't know anything about my mother either.
She hadn't been told about Dad's death, right?
After all, I never even held a funeral.
No one reached out to her.
Who knew how they'd handled his body.
At the time I was in no shape to think about any of it.
Maybe the hospital took care of everything.
I never learned the details.
They mentioned some kind of condolence insurance, but it didn't seem like Dad had bought any extra.
In the end it was probably just treated like any other unidentified body.
After cremation, that was the end of it.
How could I explain that to my father's sister?
Even if we'd been distant for a while, he was still her younger brother.
If she learned that his own wife had killed him, what would she think?
…But I couldn't keep hiding it forever.
So I took a deep breath and tried again.
“H-he is….”
“Wait, your leg…? Noel, how did you hurt it? Oh no, I should've been more careful. Sit down first. Your limbs look so thin… Did Jitae and his wife not feed you? Were you being abused?”
But Aunt Gomo was the one who noticed first.
More precisely, she saw that I had no right foot.
She immediately panicked, scooped me up, and set me on the sofa.
Her hands gripped mine tightly as she started asking questions.
On her face was a mix of anger and worry.
I shrank back for a second, but I figured if I told the truth now it wouldn't make the situation worse.
So I told her everything.
Why I lost a foot.
Dad's endless abuse.
And how, because of the fights, a month ago I stabbed Dad to death.
My mother went to prison for it.
Aunt Gomo couldn't speak for a long time.
She just sat there, staring blankly beside me.
Then she sighed deeply.
“I see….”
“Probably because you were growing up and started showing more of a girl’s side, he couldn't accept it. It looks like your father-in-law killed Jitae to protect you. Really, there must have been other ways….”
“My mother… killed him?”
I had never once thought that.
In my memories my mother was always the one who did nothing when Dad hit me.
She gave me food, but only because she couldn't stand to see me die.
But if my own mother had been the one to stab Dad, then…
…Why now?
My mother never cared if I was hurt or not.
She never tried to stop Dad.
Even when I bled she never did more than leave medicine and bandages in the room.
How could she kill Dad for me?
I couldn't believe it.
If she had just fought with him until they both got so angry they ended up dead, that would make more sense.
…But if that were true, it might even be easier for her to pin the blame on me.
After all, both Dad and Mom were smart people.
They probably planned the perfect crime from the start.
And if they did, why didn't they just turn themselves in?
Instead they called the police about killing Dad…?
Thinking about it now, it didn't make any sense.
But according to Aunt Gomo, maybe it was just a mother who finally felt guilty after the fact?
That would explain everything.
I understood it in my head, but to me—
who had always thought of Dad and Mom as one united front who only saw me as a showpiece they were ashamed of—
it was almost impossible to accept.
“What a shame. Who would beat a pretty girl like that….”
“If I had a room I could have given you your own space and let you live independently. Sigh. This is all because Mom thought boys were better….”
“Mom, you mean Grandmother?”
“Yes. Even though the world isn't like that, your grandmother always said boys were better. That’s why I was the cold one and your father always got to play around. When Jitae was born, your mother was so happy… but that was just a lie she told to please me.”
That couldn't be right.
Grandmother knew I was a boy.
I just couldn't visit her on weekends because I was at academy and such, and I only sent messages.
But Aunt Gomo didn't know any of that, so I stayed quiet.
It was more believable that I was born a girl but raised as a boy than that I became a girl later.
So Aunt Gomo had jumped to the wrong conclusion.
She didn't ask how I became a girl.
“Sigh, at least your mother didn't have to worry. She passed away before she knew you were a girl.”
“What? Jitae never told you?”
“Hah, I guess you never mentioned it because you were studying. Makes sense, since the last time I saw you was kindergarten….”
I wonder if only Grandmother gave me unconditional love.
That she passed away is heartbreaking.
Part of me even hated myself for thinking it was better that way.
At least I didn't have to worry that being a girl would change how she treated me.
I really am such a pathetic person.
Even as the self-loathing crept in.
Aunt Gomo reached out and gently stroked my back.
“So you've been living alone all this time? Rough, huh? Are you okay by yourself? The living room looks clean, so that's at least something to be proud of.”
“…It was hard at first, but now it's manageable. My neighbors are really helpful.”
“Good, that's great. Just a second. But school? How old are you this year? You couldn't have just stayed home, right?”
“I'm twenty. Since my body changed I took a leave of absence….”
Dad and Mom did keep me from school.
After I became a girl they immediately gave me a leave form, saying I would return after a year or so.
Back then I thought that was the only way.
If I just repeated first grade from the beginning, people who knew me would think I was someone else with the same name.
Or I could change my name.
But my eye and foot being like this made any plan impossible.
…No, I don't need to think about this right now.
I'm going to be a pro gamer.
My future isn't completely ruined yet.
“You went to university? Someone like you… Hah, no. Maybe because you started acting more like a girl it was even harder to accept… Yeah, that makes sense.”
Aunt Gomo sighed and leaned back against the sofa.
I felt a little bad for deceiving her, but the misunderstanding might actually be easier to believe.
Only Gabi and I would keep the real truth.
I had successfully made Aunt Gomo believe I existed.
But my heart still felt heavy.
Did Mom really feel guilty?
I probably needed to go visit her in person.
I needed to look her in the eye and ask.
Why did she kill Dad?
…Did she really see me as her child?
These thoughts weighed on me.
Then Aunt Gomo said something that made me uneasy.
“Well, for now, do some rehabilitation exercises. Will you stay at our house for a while? Your father's inheritance is too much for you to handle right now, so I'll entrust it to Aunt Gomo and she'll pay me. Just put it in an account and pay taxes; it won't shrink much. Even without stocks, at least set up a savings account and manage it properly.”