Alcohol Self-Diagnosis
"But doing this alone feels a little unfair. You guys are all fine, right?"
Still, with everyone else drinking, it felt like I was the only one being held to some impossibly strict standard. So I casually asked my viewers about it too — and somehow, every single one of them had a less-than-glowing opinion of alcohol.
Ah, of course, there was no real way to verify anything. Even if they just typed that they didn't drink, I had no means of checking whether it was true. Still, it felt unfair.
The viewers were the ones who'd introduced me to vodka in the first place. Unless you'd already drunk a considerable amount, there was no way you'd know about a liquor that niche. Look at me — I knew nothing about alcohol, so beyond soju and beer I was completely clueless. I didn't even know soju came in that many varieties. And beer? They'd advertise four cans for ten thousand won, then half of them wouldn't even qualify for the deal.
But my viewers knew all of that cold. And now they were wiping their mouths clean and sitting there pretending they had zero interest in drinking?
Setting aside how much fun they brought me, it was downright galling. So I decided to be a little petty.
"You guys do this with me. Where did all the people who goaded me into it go — 'vodka's great,' 'whiskey's great'? I didn't even know those existed. There's no way someone who hates alcohol would know that kind of stuff."
I even got the absurd claim that knowing types of liquor was common knowledge. Anyway, they said they'd take the alcohol addiction self-diagnosis with me, so whether they jotted it down or committed it to memory, they'd check their results and react alongside me.
"Alright, the National Bugok Hospital has a self-diagnosis questionnaire up. It's a national hospital, so it should have some credibility, right?"
I didn't want to end up on some sketchy website that would force an alcoholism diagnosis on me or just wave me through, so I found a site with decent credibility and went in. There was nothing to download — the diagnostic page loaded right up. And it didn't over-collect personal information, so that was already a pass.
These days everything demanded your resident registration number, a joint certificate, phone verification, email verification, text codes — it was exhausting. Here, you only needed basic info: gender, age, region of residence. Though I did wonder why they needed the region.
"Why do they make you check your region of residence? Is it okay to drink two bottles of soju in Seoul but five bottles on Jeju Island?"
"Oh, is that a thing?"
Listening to the viewers' explanations, it wasn't entirely unconvincing. Looking at the questionnaire, it clearly wanted you to check things in soju units. Imagine someone filling it out using vodka as their baseline — they'd be consuming far more alcohol than the average person, but if they checked everything in soju terms, it might still come back as not alcoholic.
"Female, twenty years old, Seoul... none of this is private information. You all already know it. How often do you drink alcohol. How often do you guys drink?"
I checked off the basic info and the first question, casually asking the viewers as well. Before I'd filed for a leave of absence, I'd been dragged out to mixers and the like fairly often — three or four times a week, even. But since ending up in this body, I'd only drunk once. Should I, in good conscience, check once a month?
But even that, the viewers found a way to pick apart. They'd only seen me drink once, and they wanted me to check four times a week.
"You guys are really too much. You've only seen me drink once. But fine — if I have to check based on recent history, I guess I have no choice. Happy?"
Even as I grumbled, the truth was that if my health checkup came back clean, I fully intended to drink like that — so in good conscience, I followed the viewers' advice.
And the next question: On days you drink, how many glasses do you usually have?
"How many soju glasses is one shot of vodka?"
It wasn't like I'd ever planned to drink myself into the ground, so following the viewers' calculations, I conscientiously checked three to four glasses. Of course the viewers still came at me — saying three or four glasses was ridiculous when I'd been drinking out of a mug.
"I don't even like alcohol. I just want to drink because it makes me feel good. That line is exactly one shot of vodka. So I conscientiously put three or four glasses. If I really had no conscience, I'd have checked just one."
I refused to compromise on this one. Did they think I couldn't see through their scheme to shove me all the way to the far-right extreme of full-blown alcoholic? Sure, that would be more entertaining for the audience — but I took this kind of thing seriously.
"Still, how many times do you drink six or more glasses, or more than two thousand cc of beer... Once a month, maybe? If the mood hits, you could end up drinking like that. Of course I'd never drink that much normally."
"No, I'm genuinely being conscientious, so why do you keep slandering me? But you can't cover the sun with the palm of your hand. I only drank that much that one time, and from now on I'm only ever having one glass, so conscientiously it's once a month. If that incident hadn't happened, I would've checked less than once a month."
I was already exhausted. I never expected the viewers to twist things this hard just for entertainment. But a top laner had to know how to stubbornly hold the line on their convictions. If I'd been wrong, I'd apologize and change my attitude — but on this, I was right.
"Have you ever started drinking and been unable to stop... No? Even while I was drunk, I didn't drink any more. I checked the fridge and the vodka was still there."
"I've never had alcohol interfere with my daily life either. And I didn't drink a hangover cure. Instead I luxuriously downed some ramen broth."
"Ah, the noodles are still there, uneaten. I can make another meal out of them. Next time I use a gift voucher I'll order something with sauce, crush the noodles, and dip them in it."
The viewers had just given me a good idea. Whether I ordered seasoned fried chicken or used a pizza gift voucher, they'd come with sauce. Perfect for dipping flavorless noodles. That would cover another meal — another day of survival bought, a little more time scraped together until I could become a pro gamer.
The controversial parts ended there. No matter how hard the viewers tried to force me into an alcoholism diagnosis, the remaining questions were ones I could answer objectively.
Have you ever regretted drinking? Of course not. Sure, the hangover had been rough, but I still planned to drink for the good feeling it gave me going forward. I'd just cut back a little compared to last time.
In the past year, had there been a time you couldn't remember what happened while drunk? Conscientiously: once. Before that, I'd never drunk to the point of blacking out. Vodka was just so strong that my memory had cut out clean.
No one had ever gotten hurt because of my drinking, and no one had ever told me to stop. There wasn't anyone who would, either. Ah — the viewers had been howling at me not to drink, but according to the self-diagnosis questionnaire, it was limited to family or a doctor.
"You guys don't live with me, so you're not family, right? Sure, spiritually you could call yourselves family. But when these questionnaires ask, they usually mean people you live with."
"No matter how much you insist, no means no. Why do you keep trying to turn someone into an alcoholic. If I come up alcoholic, it won't be because I drink — it'll be because you all insisted I do."
I checked off the final question, and now it was time for our fortunes to diverge. I looked at the result: 8 points out of a possible 40.
Normal range — Healthy drinking habits
"See? It says I'm drinking at a normal, desirable level. It says I can keep drinking just like this. One shot of vodka a day. Just enough to feel good."
"Ahem. This is a diagnostic chart made by a national hospital and you're saying you don't trust it? Everyone look at this and stop worrying."
Sorry to the viewers who'd been hoping I'd come up alcoholic. This was reality. Once I got my health checkup done, I could drink as much as I wanted.
The viewers were still flooding the chat with skeptical messages, but it was time to sleep. If I wanted good health checkup results, I needed to manage my sleep a little.
"That's all for today. Everyone have a good night."
With a victor's heart, I ended the stream and headed for bed. It felt as refreshing as shutting off the computer after cleanly winning the last game of the night.