Is There Meaning? (6)
How long had I been seething inside? As if sensing that my expression was genuine—how he noticed, I have no idea; I thought I hadn't shown a thing—Yukgui changed the subject.
It was help that came at exactly the right moment for someone as short on time as I was. I shouldn't have been wasting any of it like this; without Yukgui I might have been finished.
“Then……”
Was it a little disappointing that the useful card of Concealment of Ignorance had vanished for good? Even so, I did not regret the decision I had made earlier—to listen.
No matter how chaotic the situation became, as long as I understood it properly I could at least prepare accordingly. Working myself to the bone was still a hundred times better than being tossed about in ignorance. No— a thousand times, ten thousand times better!
“Is it impossible to convert Demon Energy into mana the way Sangun does?”
So I refused to cling to the card I had already lost and looked for another path.
“That’s even less possible.”
Of course it would not be that simple.
“I just told you: your body has grown closer to a demon than to a human. That doesn’t simply mean the demon’s influence has gotten stronger.”
“……?”
“In other words… the very material that forms your body is no longer mana but Demon Energy. And now you want to strip every last scrap of that Demon Energy away? Do you really think that can work?”
“…There would be problems, then.”
“I don’t consider it a matter light enough to be summed up in the single phrase ‘there would be problems,’ but yes. If I have to put it that way, that’s how it is.”
Yukgui offered a small example. The act I had just proposed was like trying to bake bread (the body) while swapping the flour (Demon Energy) for coal (mana).
“For the record, you and that fellow are in completely different situations. The strange things he pulls off are possible only because he was born with a special trait. Talent and effort aside, his flesh itself possesses a nature that doesn’t collapse even when it shifts back and forth between Demon Energy and mana.”
Before I could even widen the scope of my thinking, Yukgui cut me off. It was not wasted effort; the question was one I would have reached with only a little more brooding.
“Your carcass, on the other hand, has none of that. The moment Demon Energy turns into mana, proper side effects will follow. From the pain of bones and sinew twisting, all the way up to transforming into some grotesque deformity, and so on.”
He did not stop. As though determined to seal off every possibility I might consider, he poured them all out.
“And think about the creatures made of Demon Energy. Are their lives only moderately tenacious?”
“…I don’t really know.”
Tenacious…? Most of them died in a single blow, so I had no idea. If I counted myself among the creatures made of Demon Energy I might call myself reasonably tough, but that was about it.
“You don’t seem to know, so I’ll tell you—they’re extremely tenacious. Anything that contains Demon Energy has powerful regenerative ability. In the same vein, your body will constantly try to restore itself. This isn’t some simple case of Demon Energy pooling in a limb; there’s a core inside you endlessly generating the stuff, so the degree will be far worse.”
“Then……”
“Of course, if you crushed that core of Demon Energy with overwhelming force and stopped it from generating any more, you could remake the body however you liked… but as I said at the start, if that were possible would you have ended up looking like this?”
More than that—did this mean there truly was no way? None at all?
…Was I really going to have to run for the rest of my life like a criminal?
“So in the end sealing is the only means left.”
I tried not to let the gloom show as I once again groped for the road ahead. I had been feeling my way with both hands and shining every light I possessed the entire time I stayed here, yet the path I needed to walk still refused to appear. My chest tightened until breathing itself felt hard.
“Seems that way.”
Even so, I still had to move forward.
I ground my teeth so no one would notice and briefly lowered my eyelids. Suddenly the real Legend of Heroes floated up in my mind.
“…Thank you for confirming.”
Even in that game the Demon Knight had only two advancement routes.
The twisted avenger who, blinded by revenge, joined hands with the demon—the Ruin route—and the living sacrifice who sealed the demon at the cost of his own life—the Vanquisher route.
The path of Ruin had already been walked by the true Demon Knight. Coincidence or fate, I could not say, but at least he had lived under that name.
Then was the Vanquisher route all that remained for me?
To isolate the world and myself through sealing, to succeed in completely suppressing the demon, and as the price to lose every one of the five senses—was that the future I was meant to reach?
To exist in the world yet not exist, so easily forgotten that even time could not find him and he could never grow old or die. Therefore to exist forever only as a Wedge—was that my future?
Something that perishes under the name of overcoming?
I pressed my lips together over the memory that might have been the answer sheet handed to me.
I just want to go home. That single desire was quietly painted over the answer sheet, a thick overpainting that completely hid the original answer.
“…Are you leaving?”
Yukgui asked about the movement I had begun. I did not bother to answer. An hour of questions and answers had already dragged on long enough.
Ssshhk.
Instead I took up the two-hander I had not yet secured and spun it once. Gripping the ricasso rather than the hilt gave me exactly the reach I needed to slide it onto my back. The long greatsword settled into place.
“Leaving won’t make a nonexistent answer appear.”
“But someone out there must know, mustn’t they?”
“Who knows. Is there anyone who does? Even if there is, I doubt they’d tell you. You’ll just end up being hunted without gaining a thing.”
“I have already steeled myself for that.”
“You’re taking into account that you’ve become far closer to a demon than you were before you came here, right?”
“I am well aware.”
All right then—was there anything else I needed to take care of? Inventory sorted, body condition restored by proper rest… was there truly anything left?
“…Just so you know, the Demon Energy you give off can be purified even by that flippant fellow’s level. In other words, inside this forest you can search for a solution without worrying about being discovered.”
Nothing. At least in the present situation there was truly nothing more I could prepare.
Information had been settled by the earlier exchange; food, water, medicine, and clothing would have to be handled outside. I already felt wretched enough about the favors I had received—I could not steal anything more. And if I asked openly they would only grab my trouser leg and refuse to let go.
“One person climbing the gallows is more than enough.”
Then it really was finished. Having reached that conclusion I took a step to leave. Where should I go from here? Where could I stop and continue thinking without being found? Unanswerable questions settled into a corner of my skull and tormented me.
“Look at that rude mouth.”
And the moment I took a second step, Yukgui spoke.
“Hey, descendant!!! He’s runnin’ away!!!”
“……!?”
“Uh… blub? Y-yes? Wh-what?”
It was a betrayal I had never imagined.
“Hehe.”
In the end I was caught.
“Hehehehe.”
Of course, once Sangun woke I had not abandoned the idea of escape from the start. Right after I began running I had even judged that if I put my mind to it I could get away.
“…Do not laugh.”
But Sangun had chased me only a short distance before stopping and letting tears roll down one after another; that was the fatal mistake. Adding one more: the words he blubbered while crying—“If you wanted to leave that bad you shoulda just said so. Did you hate us that much?”—and the like.
So, deciding I would at least clear up the misunderstanding before I left, I approached him and……
“But if I don’t do this you’ll leave, won’tcha?”
…this was the result.
Looking at Sangun, who had wrapped my entire body in a tight coil, my head began to throb. How much of me had this creature even seen to grow this attached? What had I actually done for him to like me this much?
“Or did ya really hate me……?”
“…If you keep this up, it might become so.”
“Yer bluffin’. You’re just tryin’ to move ‘cause you’re scared we’ll get slapped with the demon label too.”
“……”
“Huh, is that for real?”
“Yeah.”
It was the truth, yet the one who knew it was taking Sangun’s side? And why say it out loud here of all places? If he knew, he should have shut his mouth and let me go.
“Youngster, just admit it. You need help right now, and you ain’t in any position to be frettin’ over other people.”
“…I am considering only myself more than sufficiently—”
“If you’re about to say that escapin’ the gallows makes you selfish, drop it. That ain’t selfish; that’s natural.”
Every argument I tried to raise was blocked from the outset. Yukgui, who had been hanging from the tip of Sangun’s tail, crawled over on his belly until he reached the level of my head.
“You still don’t know ‘cause you’re young, but in this world the only one who can live solely for you is yourself. Even this forest that seems to be on your side right now, even me—we could both turn on you overnight and try to take everything you have.”
Thok. The tortoise’s head bumped gently against my forehead. The lukewarm warmth felt needlessly sorrowful.
“There’s a fine example right here, ain’t there? I treasured someone more than myself and all I got back was betrayal. So there’s no law sayin’ you won’t end up the same. The world is truly something you never know.”
“…Is that, in the end, telling me not to trust anyone?”
“No. It’s tellin’ you to use them while you can. Another way of puttin’ it: don’t treasure ‘em so hard they end up rotin’ on you. You’re in a spot where you have to do that if you want to survive.”
It was so painful I bit down on the corner of my lip.
“I do not wish to cause trouble after having received help.”
Even so I could not stop the tears from falling.
“I do not wish to watch the only ones who welcomed me suffer because of me.”
It had always been this way.
“I do not wish to know how you will look at me after you have been harmed on my account.”
Kind people always bound me to a miserable life.
“I… therefore……”
“Then to keep us from suffering any harm because of the favor we received, we need only hide the connecting link.”
“……!”
They always waited until that misery had been washed away.
“Isn’t that right?”
A boy who looked as though he had rushed out in a hurry—clothes still slightly disheveled—smiled brightly.
“There is no way that would……”
“There is. We simply erase any evidence they could use to question us.”
“…Do you believe every priest of the swamp will keep silent?”
“Hmm. I trust them, but… I cannot be certain. There are those who look on me unfavorably, and—my apologies—there are also those who are wary of the Black Thunder Snake.”
Of course the reason they were wary of the Black Thunder Snake was simply that a human body was being compared to Sangun. The boy added the clarification as if to forestall any misunderstanding.
“But if every one of them believes the Thunder Snake has already left, would that not solve the problem?”
“……?”
“Even in this Great Forest there are regions few people ever visit. Benefactor may move your dwelling there, and we will simply tell everyone that you have departed.”
“…There will still be trouble.”
“Will there? As for the fact that you stayed before, we need only claim, ‘We had no idea that person was like that. We accepted him solely because he was our benefactor.’ In truth we have never received any news of the Black Thunder Snake’s circumstances or why he is being hunted—nothing beyond what Benefactor himself told us.”
So— the Great Chieftain supplied the interjection.
“Anyone with sense will stop there. To suspect further is no different from picking a fight with us. If necessary we can even threaten to cut off all exchange.”
Somewhat… plausible…?
I was not certain. I parted my lips, then managed to poke at the one hole that came to mind.
“…And if it is discovered that I am hiding in a rarely visited area?”
“Even then we simply deny knowing. It is not even a stretch—after all, we ourselves do not fully grasp every corner of this vast forest. If we say we do not know what we do not know, and they still demand to know why we failed to know, is that not also picking a fight in the end……?”
Amazingly, that objection too had already been waiting inside the Great Chieftain’s head.
“Therefore rest easy and remain longer. Unless you have business elsewhere that is not this forest, there is no need for you to leave for the sake of our safety.”
Sangun, who had been listening to everything, squealed with delight and thumped the ground with his tail; Yukgui nodded in satisfaction.
“You have already saved this forest. Now it is simply our turn to become your home.”
It seemed, after all, that I had lost.