Filled with Agony (5)
“You don’t regret it?”
Kim Tae-kyun’s question made me lift my head. Catching the meaning himself, he belatedly tacked on the subject he’d left out.
“The sponsorship you decided to take on.”
An unlit cigarette still sat between his fingers.
“Put the cigarette away.”
“Huh? Why?”
“You said you quit.”
“…You were hemming and hawing in the group chat about whether to quit or not, and you’re actually doing it?”
“Of course I’m actually doing it. You think I’d fake it?”
Kim Tae-kyun’s mouth worked soundlessly. It wasn’t hard to understand his reaction. Until recently I had been a pack-a-day smoker as the bare minimum. Half a year ago it was two packs, three on the bad days.
“Since when?”
“About a month ago?”
“No way. Crazy. For real?”
Is there anything more decisive for that feeling of starting life over than quitting smoking? That had been the spark for my abrupt decision, and the same thing that kept me grinding through the cravings ever since.
I plucked the cigarette from Kim Tae-kyun’s stunned hand and pressed a carrot stick into it instead. Left holding the orange vegetable out of nowhere, he wore a vacant look.
“You can just quit overnight like that?”
“Turns out I can.”
Truth was it still itched like hell. But a man has his pride; after declaring I was done, how could I slink back to it like some pathetic wreck?
Especially when Dad had been packing carrot sticks for me every single day with his own hands.
“Crazy bastard……”
“Don’t be like that. Quit while you’re at it. You’re the only smoker left among us.”
“No, how the hell do you do that? The ones who actually manage to quit are the weird ones!”
“What are you talking about. You’re just the one with no patience.”
I wrapped the crushed cigarette in a scrap of tissue I carried, then stuck a carrot stick in my own mouth. The crisp crunch worked fine both as a cigarette stand-in and a little something to chew on.
“Real fucking crazy bastard……”
Seeing that, Kim Tae-kyun finally put a carrot stick in his mouth too. “This even taste good?” Every time I think about it, it’s funny that a guy obsessed with tea leaves can’t stand vegetables.
“I don’t regret it.”
And about the sponsorship… At first I had wondered whether this was the right call, but by now the certainty had settled. I would never regret this.
“Even though it hurt you that much?”
Kim Tae-kyun hesitated, then turned his head away and spat the question out. I nodded even knowing he couldn’t see it.
“Yeah. Even though it was agony.”
“Fuck. Fuck. You, you really……”
Crunch. Crunch. The carrot stick crumbled finely inside my mouth and vanished.
“You’re a real softie bastard.”
“Yeah.”
“Who goes and worries about the perpetrator’s kid on top of everything… and a victim at that……”
“But that kid was too young to leave alone.”
“The rest of the family will look after him!”
“There isn’t any. I checked everything. Except for the dad who went to prison, that kid has no family left.”
And the one who sent that kid’s only family to prison was me. The ones who arranged for the maximum possible sentence without a settlement were my parents.
“Why the fuck would you even look into that!”
“Right. Why did I look into it.”
Honestly, I wasn’t particularly sorry about refusing the settlement.
Yeah. That man ending up with hard time was ultimately his own karma. Getting the maximum sentence too—from the moment he shattered my dreams and dumped my entire life into the mud—only felt like a deserved price, maybe even an insufficient one.
“…There are plenty of other kids. Kids left alone because parents died or went to prison are everywhere. So why that kid of all people? Why, why the kid of the bastard who did that shit to you……”
But the child left behind like that? That kid who now had to live alone?
What sin had that kid committed, forced to rely even on a man like that as family?
“But I saw.”
I had no reason to take responsibility. I knew that. It wasn’t my fault the kid ended up like this, and I had no obligation to take him in either. I was only the victim.
But……
“I already… found out he existed.”
But yeah. I couldn’t help where my heart went.
That really was something I couldn’t help.
“How am I supposed to look away from that.”
That I am the kind of person who cannot be happy while carrying someone else’s misfortune is really something I cannot help.
“Idiot.”
“I know.”
“Softie bastard.”
“A bit, yeah.”
“…You really don’t regret it?”
“Yeah.”
So I smiled at my somewhat hazy friend.
“I learned from you guys how precious devotion without reward is, how desperately needed a hand extended in the hardest times can be. Having learned that, how could I ever regret it.”
Or perhaps I smiled at the one peeking into my memories.
My friend’s face crumbled.
.
.
.
“Would it have been better if you had been a selfish person? If you had only ever looked out for yourself, if that had been the case, then I…….”
I blinked at the pitch-black darkness.
Whether I had slept, dreamed, or watched a great many things—it was a strange sensation.
“I don’t know what the best choice would have been.”
But even with that sensation, even in a world of pure darkness—
“I, I thought at the time that it was the only way.”
—the existence standing before me was perfectly clear.
“…But one thing I’m sure of is that you are a good person. Far too good a person to be our opponent in a bet.”
Unstained ash-gray hair and pale cheeks. Pupils the same color on both sides. Neat attire that recalled a uniform—or rather, a dress uniform. And……
“So I want at least you to be able to go back no matter what.”
And……
“Hate me for saying nothing. It really is all my fault. Your hardships, your trials, your adversities—all of it is my doing. I am the cause. All of it, all of it is because I’m the bad one.”
…Ah. So that’s how it is.
“So… don’t try to learn any more. You only need to hate me. Don’t know anything beyond that.”
You, you are just……
“Ignorance will save you.”
Just……
“…I’m sorry.”
I did not avoid the approaching hand. It was probably closer to couldn’t. Not that it mattered much.
My vision went black. Falling again.
Ah, it’s convenient that the sections that need memory erasure are already decided. Tsk. How much of a pain it was last time……
“…….”
Why the long face? You’re the one who decided. Or are you trying to buy Gretchen’s sympathy by playing the pitiful one?
“Shut up. I know full well I don’t even deserve sympathy. I just… just… forget it. I’d rather bite my tongue and die than trade words with the likes of you.”
Oh… then you ought to bite your tongue and die right this second? Wow, I’m so grateful.
“Get lost, maggot.”
Don’t forget. For now the humans are leaving the vessel alone, but if the execution is carried out again before they leave this area, then……
“…….”
Heh. More than that, I’m really looking forward to how Gretchen will turn out. Will he, having lost his memories, refuse the execution even after hearing about the rampage from the humans’ own mouths?
“…Wait. Don’t tell me that too?”
Foolish thing. I clearly placed the bet. That until leaving this area I would tolerate no form of threat whatsoever.
“This is a scam!”
What nonsense. It’s your fault for failing to set the terms properly. How is this a scam?
“You……!”
More importantly—ah. Finally coming around. Well then, what’s going to happen now?
‘Open your eyes, idiot. I already told them to execute me, so just keep going from there. Softie as always!’
Clank. The metallic rattle drilled straight into my ears the instant I woke. My eyelids, which I had unconsciously tried to open, could not even make the attempt; something was pressing them shut.
It was a moment that felt uncomfortably familiar.
Clank.
I carefully twisted my body just in case. I didn’t seem to be lying down—more like sitting—but there was no sensation at all in my limbs. Strength was clearly flowing, yet nothing moved, and even attempting the motion itself felt laborious.
Around my mouth as well, my cheeks were pressed and tugged as though I were biting down on something.
“Hm?”
The problem was that this, too, felt somehow familiar.
Yeah. This sensation particularly resembled something I had gone through about a hundred and fifty chapters ago. Especially the bound limbs and the gag—
“What’s wrong?”
“No, it’s just… it looked like he moved……”
—wait. This isn’t merely similar. Is this actually that? Am I really restrained for real right now?
A new voice dug into my still-foggy ears. A human voice. My thoughts spun rapidly.
The last thing I had been doing? Getting beaten by the lava demon and firing a signal flare.
After that? Dunno.
Then the reason I was currently restrained (presumably)? Wanted to say dunno as well… but honestly the possibilities were limited. I must have raged out again and caused a scene. Even if there was no memory of Rage activating inside my head, still.
Separately, voices around me and the fact that I had been subdued and bound could be read as the incident having ended. That single point was truly fortunate.
To be honest, until the moment I collapsed I had thought even the total annihilation of the city wouldn’t have been strange. But if they still had the spare capacity to restrain and lock me up, at least total annihilation had been avoided. Yeah. Fortunate after all. Really fortunate.
“…He’s not moving?”
“Maybe a mistake……?”
All right then—what now. Listen to the surroundings and gather information, or simply let them know I’ve woken up.
I wavered, then chose the latter. Staying like this any longer was far too stifling. My neck especially—my neck felt the most constricted.
Clank.
“Oh! He’s moving!”
“He woke—he woke up!”
“…Uh, uh?”
I moved my head, trying to scratch the itch on my neck. Something was definitely caught there; every time my shoulder and cheek brushed, something hard snagged at the throat. Breath would not come.
Clank!
“Young master!?”
Itchy. More than that—choking. Stuffy. It’s stuffy, damn it. Someone get this off me. I don’t need anything else—just the neck, please……
Thud!
“Young master!”
If only my hands had been free it might have been better. But even touching my own neck was impossible.
I twisted my head this way and that, squirmed, and then toppled forward just like that.
Clank. Dull pain bloomed as shoulder and head struck something; the metallic clatter rang chaotically.
“Damn it! Young master! Young master, can you hear me!?”
“Wh-what. Why’s he acting like that?”
Hate it. Hate it. This is real.
Can’t breathe.
“Un@#$% lock [email protected]#$&$!”
“#@$^! Un@[email protected]%*$ it!”
“#*%&@#[email protected]#&%!!”
“@@#*@#&@&[email protected]%!”
Clank. Clank-clank.
“@#$%&%%^#$!”
“#$^&[email protected]#@!”
“#@%&$^#$─!”
I flailed in sheer helplessness. Breath—breath would not come properly. I had to breathe through my nose, and the nose was clearly unobstructed, yet……
My neck. It felt as if my neck were being strangled.
“#@%^%$#$!”
Among the dozens of voices rushing back and forth, one drew near. Something pressed down on my body. I hated it. I tried to thrash free. But there were many hands, and one of them seized my throat.
Clack.
One of the things hanging on my neck vanished. At last.
“Released$%#@.”
“Don’t#@%%@#$.”
At the same time the pressure clamping my mouth disappeared. “*@#@#.” An unintelligible voice hauled me upright. My neck still itched.
“Lord#@%^! Danger……!”
“#@%^%$. @%%@#$ so dangerous@%%@#$? I’m only in a [email protected]#$ . You #$%&%.”
“#$%.”
Breath—I could breathe again. But it was still stifling. Something still seemed to be there.
I tried to rub my neck against my shoulder in search of whatever it might be. Swish! But before that could succeed, the sensation binding my arms vanished first.
My hands shot straight to my throat.
“%%^#$.”
“%&$^#$.”
Itchy. Itchy, damn it……
I peeled away the bandages with my fingertips and scratched. The metal chunk on my neck was already gone, yet breathing still felt strangely difficult. Something still seemed to be there. Itchy.
“Tsk. @%%@#$knew @%%@ed#$?”
“…This@% severe#[email protected]^$.”
“#@$ and, speak$#^.”
“Um, seeing how similar^$#@ it is, better not #@$% that $%^# #@$%?”
“#@ing like that his neck #@$%@# like#@$%.”
“Careful#@$ of course. $#@^@# if you touch him wrong#[email protected]# @#$%person gets more hurt#@. @#$ people #[email protected]^ that side [email protected]# stronger &^$$# than [email protected]#.”
Crunch. At last hot liquid touched my fingertips. Still stifling. If the skin peeled away entirely it might finally prove there was nothing left. I dug my nails in harder.
Only after blood nearly soaked my fingers did the itch ease a little.
“…Better not touch the neck then.”
Around that time the voices of the people around me began to come through clearly. I focused for a moment, trying to catch words through the tinnitus. Touch. Better. Those were the two I managed to snatch.
“Yo-young master.”
After that it got a little better. I stopped straining for individual words and realized the owner of that voice was quite familiar.
He was alive.
“I’ll, I’ll take the blindfold off, so……”
Beeeeep. The voice filtered through the ringing was remarkably cautious. A faint presence brushed my eyes. Softly. The cloth covering them slid down.
“Yo-ung master.”
Then, behind the emaciated Deathbringer, soldiers with weapons and Inquisitors came into view. Priests too, Mages too, knights too.
Every last one of them frozen in terror.
“Young master, are you oka……”
“How many did I kill?”
From that sight alone I arrived at a realization that was nearly certainty.
“How many… did I kill?”
Looks like I have to die here after all.