For Now (8)
"So you're going to give up, then?"
"……?"
"I know he has no expectations of us. Looking at myself, I'm not someone worth expecting anything from, am I?"
Deathbringer nearly choked on his own spit at the Inquisitor's words.
Really—that idealist could turn more scathing than any pessimist when the mood struck her. He had no idea what was going on in that head of hers.
"…It's not that bad. No, why would you even think that? You're not that incompetent."
What he'd said originally… the true meaning of what he'd said…
"I appreciate that. But if we're measuring by that standard, you're better than me."
At the Inquisitor's words, he could neither laugh nor cry. He simply lowered his head.
The Inquisitor didn't know. She didn't know the true meaning of what he'd said, or why he had no choice but to resign himself like this.
"No. I… really am a worthless person. If our purposes don't align, then there's no value in staying together… That's the kind of person I am."
"You…"
"And you would be the same. Probably. It would have ended up that way."
"……?!"
Deathbringer suddenly recalled what the Archmage had said. That the Demon Knight was avoiding him because he was confused? That somewhere in his heart there might still be a part of him that cared?
Yes. That might be right. No—it was right.
Whether it was the affection of familiarity or simple pity. There was no reason for the Demon Knight to tolerate him unless some bond had built up enough to make him want to keep him alive. The moment the Demon Knight couldn't bring himself to cut him down and let his blade fall, that expression on his face—what else could it have been but attachment?
"You know what, Miss Prim?"
But… but still.
"His Lordship is… kinder than you might think."
Would the attachment that had made the Demon Knight tolerate him still remain? If the Demon Knight had become aware of it… was there any reason for him to leave it in place?
"…I know. Otherwise he wouldn't care about the weak."
"That's not what I mean. I'm talking about… how he treats us on a regular basis."
The Demon Knight was kind. Yes—Deathbringer could be certain of it now. That man was kind. Kind enough that not even his brutal way of speaking, his taciturn manner, or his prickly behavior could hide how full of attachment he was.
"He threatens to leave us behind if we get in the way, but when I'm on the verge of death he secretly reaches out a hand. He finds us a nuisance, but when we cling to him he doesn't shove us away. I think… that's his own special kind of kindness."
At the same time, he was a man who had thrown his life into vengeance. Borrowing the Archmage's words, a man who wanted to stand against demons until the moment he died.
But… to a man like that, was kindness even something of value?
"And that kindness is probably the most unnecessary emotion of all for His Lordship."
For a man whose goal was killing demons, and whose purpose at the end of that was to die—was there anything more useless than attachment?
"Why would kindness be an unnecessary emotion?"
"Because it gets in the way."
Attachment grabs people by the ankles, binds their wrists, and eventually covers their eyes and ears and mouth while strangling them. That was the kind of "attachment" Deathbringer had experienced.
It was the kind of emotion that, even while you cursed how sick of it you were, drove you to stake your life down; that left you unable to resist even when you had the power to break free; that sometimes made you die in someone else's place… That was what "attachment" was.
"Normal people find comfort and love in kindness… but we're not normal."
It was an emotion that worked that way even in ordinary households where no one fought for their lives. So what would happen if attachment bloomed among people who actually risked their lives fighting?
He could guarantee it wouldn't end well. Sometimes it brought positive results, but usually it was the opposite.
"The reason I'm… the reason I'm agonizing over what I should do is because of that, Miss Prim."
And when something like that happened, between them and the Demon Knight, who would end up more miserable?
"If I just stay still, it feels like the knight will simply die like that—but if I reach out here, can I even save him? Wouldn't I just make things harder for him instead?"
Who would end up making more sacrifices?
"And on top of that, I… I…"
…What reason was there for the Demon Knight to give him attachment while enduring all of that?
He had a history of nearly becoming a half-traitor after being taken by a demon, a history of attacking the Demon Knight because of it, and beyond that, the ways he was actually useful were vanishingly few.
"…Do I even have the right to dare reach out to His Lordship?"
At Deathbringer's words, the Inquisitor couldn't easily answer. What was the more correct—no, the better path. She didn't know either.
"…I don't know either."
So the Inquisitor admitted it. Not knowing was not knowing.
"But I don't think what you've said is an excuse for us not to try."
And because of that, she came to her answer. Deathbringer's brows furrowed sharply.
"How do you know that's the right answer?"
"I don't. I've never experienced it or solved it before, so how would I know what the right answer is? But does that mean sitting still is the right answer?"
"…If we move rashly—"
"So what I'm saying is: is there any guarantee that the result of moving rashly will be worse than the result of waiting quietly?"
The Inquisitor, wearing only her leg armor, straightened her back with a metallic clank. The face she raised in time with that motion held not a single shadow.
"Of course, the result of us doing something might turn out worse than the result of doing nothing. But can you know that? No—you can't. That's why you're agonizing over it now, isn't it?"
Instead, light overflowed.
"I don't know either. That's why I'm going to act. Ignorance is no excuse for me to give up, and no justification for me to abandon the Demon Knight. Running away using ignorance as a pretext isn't my style to begin with. Drawing a line and deciding something won't work without even trying—that isn't my job either."
A radiance that even hid the freckles and blemishes born of sun-darkened skin overflowed across the bridge of her nose, her cheeks, her neck.
"So I will not step back. For me, doing nothing is more shameful than failure."
Really—Miss Prim was the most stubborn, headstrong fool under heaven.
"And more than anything, I don't want to leave the Demon Knight like this. Why does he have to hurt alone and die alone? Even if he says he doesn't want it, I'm going to fix him. A patient belongs in a clinic—you don't leave them alone to set a date for their death and suffer in silence."
And she was a hero.
As always.
"And listen—I'm not trying to understand the Demon Knight, or pity him! So it's fine! I just want to stand side by side with him, catch him when he starts to fall, receive his help a little less often than now, and walk together like that!"
"…Oh, come on. What is that? That's just wordplay."
"How is this wordplay? According to the Archmage, the Demon Knight only talked about worthless pity and understanding, didn't he? So as long as it isn't those two things, it's fine, right?"
"Are you actually an idiot, or a genius pretending to be an idiot? I really can't figure you out."
"……??"
"Ugh, forget it. What's the point of saying anything to you."
"What is that supposed to mean?!"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
Deathbringer straightened the legs he'd been crouching on. The sunlight that flowed in through his discarded hood spilled across his skin the same way.
"Still… well, fine. A patient does belong in a clinic, that's true. Though since holy power is poison to His Lordship, a temple-affiliated clinic won't work."
"I know that much now."
"…And I still haven't apologized."
"Is there something to apologize for? Why haven't you done it yet?"
"…Right? Maybe it's because I've rarely ever properly apologized—it's hard."
"What's hard about apologizing? You just do it."
"I guess it's because I'm not as straightforward as you."
More precisely, because he was afraid of the Demon Knight's reaction.
"…Do you think His Lordship… was hurt?"
"Him? Well. I can't say anything without knowing what you did, but I have a hard time imagining him getting hurt."
"That's true, but…"
Deathbringer blinked at the Inquisitor's words. He'd thought the same. That was why he'd thrust his sword without hesitation.
But looking back now…
"He was hurt after all, wasn't he."
"What the hell did you do, you bastard."
"…Maybe the one he came to see as worthless wasn't the whole party—maybe it was just me."
"What the hell did you actually do, you son of a bitch!"
"Shut up… I'm starting to want to die too."
"Suicide is wrong! Confess and repent!!"
"Fuck…"
I was so absorbed in reading for the first time in a while that I only realized midway through the book that the paper looked red. The sun had begun to set.
"…I'll take my leave."
"Y-yes? Ah, you're going?"
Ah. If I'd known it would be like this, I should have booked an inn in advance. I hadn't thought about the fact that if I couldn't stay at the temple, I'd have to stay in an inn room.
"Take care!"
Would there still be rooms left if I went now? With that thought, I turned my back on the shop owner's farewell.
My stomach was growling from hunger, as if it knew it was dinnertime.
"Oh my, customer! You've come!"
But while looking for an inn, I found a snack that looked too delicious to pass by. It was a dish of stir-fried vegetables served in bread.
"One vegetable."
"One moment!"
My wallet opened of its own accord.
"Here you are!"
"Wait."
I understood that the bread was both part of the dish and served as a bowl, but the fact that powder came off it disqualified it as a bowl for me.
So I took the vegetable stir-fry bread with the handkerchief I'd bought earlier sandwiched in between. The bread was so hard that even filled with sauce, there was no sign of it getting soggy.
Crunch.
It was the same when I carefully bit into the edge. It wasn't just ordinarily hard. If I didn't want my teeth to break, I'd better eat carefully.
"Take care!"
Crunch crunch.
But it tasted good, so.
I left the stall, savoring the vegetable stir-fry that was better than I'd expected.
Beets and cherry tomatoes, onions, and bell peppers took turns giving a crisp texture, while the sauce soaked into them wrapped my tongue in savory flavor.
To put it most simply: it was really delicious.
I would probably have to buy it one more time before leaving the city.
"Oppa, let's go over there!"
"Where? Where?!"
"There!!"
"Reia, wait!"
"If you run too fast you'll fall!"
"Ehehe! Hurry up… ah!"
Then for a moment, a child passing beside me caught her foot on a stone and started to fall.
My right hand moved reflexively—then stopped.
"Whoa, wha!"
Thud! Thud!
In that time, the girl somehow thrust out her other foot as if trying to catch her balance. But her center of gravity had already tipped forward.
The child's body went over completely.
Splat.
In time with that, I discarded the bread and reached out with my left hand. I judged there wouldn't be enough time to catch her with my right.
Grab.
"Wha!"
Even so, as a trade-off, I managed to catch the arm of the child who had been falling.
I slowly pulled the child's forward-tilted body back.
"Are you okay?!"
"Reia, are you oka— hup!"
"Th-thank yo… hik!"
Children who seemed to be the girl's companions came running up, then jumped in fright at the sight of me.
"S-sorry…"
"Eek. An adventurer."
"S-sorry!"
No, they hadn't even bumped into me—there was nothing much to apologize for. If anything, I was the one who should be more sorry for not helping faster out of personal feelings.
But the children already seemed terrified. I glanced at their trembling bodies and wordlessly continued on my way.
"H-he's going…"
"I've never seen an adventurer this close before."
"He's so scary and cool…"
"An adventurer? Maybe he's a knight?"
"A knight…!"
"Ugh!"
"What? Why?"
"Someone took one bite of food and threw it away! What a bad person!"
"Hup! For real!"
"What a waste!! If you're going to do that, give it to me!"
"Wait, this part looks like you could brush it off and eat it…"
And I immediately turned around.
I know food is precious too, but kids—eating food that's fallen on the ground is a bit much!
"Throw away the fallen part, and just the inside of the bread…"
"Oppa, can I take this handkerchief?"
"Handkerchief? What is this, it looks really expensiv— huh?"
A shadow fell over their round little heads. Sensing it, the children looked up. Their plump cheeks went pale.
"Hup!"
"You do not eat what has fallen."
I first separated the bread from the children's hands. The frozen children couldn't even react. Splat. The bread returned to the ground.
The handkerchief? I just left that in the girl's hand. I'd bought a spare handkerchief, and even if I hadn't, I could just buy another. It wasn't something I couldn't give away after only using it a few times.
"S-sorry…"
"Do not apologize to me."
Separately, you brats—that's not something to apologize to me for. Apologize to your stomachs. This place barely has hospitals, so if something really goes wrong it'll be hard to fix.
I looked at the three trembling children and exhaled softly. Seeing things half the size of my torso acting like that made my heart ache for no reason.
"Follow me."
"Eek!"
"We're in trouble…"
"Moooom…"
Well, what else could I do. Some coincidences are connections. If it hadn't entered my sight, fine—but once I'd seen it, I had to do something.
I led the children to the stall where I'd bought the bread earlier.
The children trembled thinking I was going to punish them, and the residents focused their gazes, but that couldn't be helped.
Well, what can you do when your face and aura are that messed up. It's not like they were going to let me re-customize.
"Four."
"Ah, aren't you the customer from earlier?"
So rather than prioritizing clearing that up, I just waited for it to resolve itself.
A few coins passed into the owner's hands, and three of the purchased breads went from the owner to the children through my glance.
"……?"
"Huh."
"Uh… are you giving these to us?"
"Go now."
I'd also changed the filling to meat stir-fry rather than vegetable, figuring that would be better, so they'd eat well.
I left first while watching the children hesitate, unable to grasp the situation. I figured they'd eat more comfortably once I left.
Thud thud thud!
"Huh, Reia!"
Grab!
But my collar was caught. I glanced back at the pulled coat hem.
A brown-haired girl was holding onto my coat.
"Thank you, Mister Adventurer!"
Tousled hair, a mouth with round holes where baby teeth had fallen out above and below, plump cheeks and freckles sprinkled lightly over a cute little nose. A small hand tightly gripping the handkerchief and bread.
A smile too precious to buy with a few coins filled my vision. It was a feeling similar to the moment I'd witnessed the shop owner and his younger sibling bickering at the bookstore earlier.
An indescribable warmth swelled up until it felt like my chest would burst.
"…Chew thoroughly."
"Yes!"
Still, that vague sensation wasn't bad. It felt much better. Today's outing had been a success.
"Mister Adventurer, bye-bye!"
"Take care!"
"Thank you."
I swallowed the sorrow that came flooding in.
"Demon Knight!!"
"……!"
And from behind, a voice I couldn't possibly mistake rang out clearly.
"We agreed to spar—why aren't you keeping your promise!!"
It was Berserk.
"Ah, Demon Knight!"
"My lord!"
And the Inquisitor and Deathbringer as well.
"Do you know how long we've been looking for you!"
"If you're sick, go get examined quickly. Sparring is only fun when you're in top condition."
"My lord… uh, a-are you feeling any better… You're not still in pain or anything, right…?"
I stared blankly at them as they either smiled brightly or chattered while watching my reaction. No matter how I looked at it, they didn't seem like they were going to keep their distance the way I'd hoped.
"Let's head back for now, Demon Knight. The mage said to bring you right away."
"Comrade, let's go."
"Yes, let's go. I, uh. There's something I need to give you. And something I want to say together…"
Really—what on earth had the Archmage done? Had he completely failed at persuasion? Even though I'd spoken so bluntly?
Ah, or had the Archmage not delivered it as-is. The words had been rather harsh, after all.
Or… yes. Maybe they just weren't listening. Berserk was blatantly going her own way, and both the Inquisitor and Dev had a bit of a rebellious streak.
"Demon Knight?"
"…Comrade, you."
If I said it wasn't admirable or moving, that would be a lie. It was truly difficult to dislike people who came to you even when you pushed them away and rejected them.
"Stand aside."
But… this is not what I want.
Yes. This is something I must not want.
"Unless you have news that you are leaving the city."
They and I need distance.
Even if we walk the same path for the single goal of seeing the ending, we need a distance where no matter what form of parting occurs, it won't become a wound.
"Demon Knight…"
"My lord…?"
More bluntly put: whether I realize the meaninglessness of this journey and drop out of it, or die mid-journey from lack of ability.
Or whether I am killed by them as a demon.
We need a businesslike distance where the wounds can be lessened in any moment.
Clank.
So, with the metallic sound of my gauntlet, I walked past them.
I never so much as glanced their way. It was something I'd learned long ago when severing countless relationships, half by choice and half not—there was no surer method of severance than indifference.
Then suddenly, I thought that I could no longer even mess around with concepts like lone wolf or black flame dragon.
It had stopped being fun.