Because It's Not a Story (2)
The sparring match had been pushed back to tomorrow, leaving me with nothing to do.
Still, spending a rare day off holed up in the corner of my room felt wrong. Besides, sitting quietly in there trying to leave a letter or something only made me realize a bunch of useless truths.
So I burst out of my room. Then I left the temple so fast that no one would even notice I was gone, let alone try to stop me.
"My lord, where are you going?"
Of course Dev latched onto me anyway.
The way he refused to let me out of his sight for even a second, as if I might vanish the moment he looked away, felt a little different from usual. The strangely sharp look in his eyes was the same.
Why he was acting like that… well. The only reason I could think of was that he'd mistaken my attempt to drop my HP for self-harm.
I could roughly understand how he felt. My character concept wasn't the type that put anyone at ease on that front.
Judging by my track record alone, it wouldn't be strange if I tried to die right this second. I'd made plenty of remarks and taken plenty of actions that made it look like I was living with my life already thrown away.
But separate from how justified that behavior might be, it was still annoying! It's true you shouldn't leave someone dealing with depression and self-loathing alone, but the self-harm thing was a genuine misunderstanding!
"Get lost."
It was true I didn't want to be alone—but that only applied to lonely forests where words wouldn't reach, or silent rooms thick with quiet.
The place I was headed now was better alone. Because I was about to do something that didn't quite fit my concept.
"I'll stay quiet so I don't get in your way."
No. It's not that I hate being with you—I just want to do something without worrying about breaking character…!
"I won't say it twice."
I rested a hand on my sword sheath and issued the warning again. Dev only flinched, though, and showed no sign of leaving. He really seemed set on this.
Honestly. Why won't he go.
I considered getting angrier, then thought it over a little more and decided it was better to just give up.
Even if I drove him off here, what good would it do if the guy just followed me in secret? He was more than capable of that, if nothing else.
"……"
In the end I had no choice but to fold. With a face full of irritation, I pushed ahead without any consideration for him.
Dev, a good ten centimeters shorter than me, scrambled after me.
After we had gone down to the lower levels for quite a while, I found a spot I liked. It was a bridge spanning the open air above the lake in the middle of the city.
"…Whoa."
Maybe it was his origins, but even Dev—whose sensibilities had always been strangely dried up—let out a soft exclamation of wonder.
It was worth it. The sunlight draped over everything so beautifully that the buildings shone like stars, and the waterways flowing here and there sparkled as if they were scattering thousands of jewels.
On top of that, the strange echoes that rang out whenever the wind blew, and the trees growing throughout the city swaying and dropping their leaves.
It really was a beautiful city.
Click.
So I would leave it not as a memory that would scatter, but as a permanent record.
I took the pen I'd been carrying out of my inventory. As for paper, I'd—stolen—borrowed a few sheets from the temple, so there was no need to specially acquire any.
"……?"
Scratch, scratch.
Black ink dyed the paper, gradually building a world made of lines.
"…My lord, you're good at drawing."
Yeah. I knew he'd say that.
That was exactly why I'd wanted to come alone. It wasn't exactly against my concept, but drawing was a hobby that felt a little strange to say suited me.
But my real self was someone who liked drawing enough to make it a profession.
After coming here I hadn't had the time, the situation hadn't allowed it, and drawing while playing a game had felt a little ridiculous, so I'd forgotten about it—but now was different.
With a few free days suddenly open, there was no reason I couldn't enjoy this hobby.
Besides, right now, for the first time in a long while, I really wanted to draw.
Listening to the noise of people passing by, I drew hard against the board.
Starting with line work without a sketch wasn't my preference, but there was nothing here like a pencil I could draw and erase with.
In the end the surrounding forms came out roughly, messily drawn. There were places where I'd failed to control the lines because I wasn't used to ink, and the perspective was off from not having drawn in so long—a truly crude picture.
But it felt comfortable. The pouring breeze, the pouring sunlight, the natural noise around me.
If I closed my eyes and erased only the fantasy landscape, it was just like Korea.
"My lord."
…Coming with Dev might have been a stroke of genius after all.
I'd come here to keep from thinking about other things, and I was about to fall right into them.
"Uh, the ink is dripping."
I looked where Dev pointed. While I'd zoned out for a moment, a fairly large blot had formed on the paper. I was going to throw the first drawing away anyway so it didn't matter, but the ink was a bit of a waste.
Ink is pretty expensive.
Crumple.
"Eek! Why are you crumpling it!"
A drawing I was going to discard anyway. I crumpled it into a ball and tossed it beside me.
Startled, Dev unfolded the crumpled drawing again, but the paper wouldn't fully smooth out, and in that short time the not-yet-dry ink transferred here and there.
"If you're going to throw it away, give it to me."
No, why that piece of trash? It's useless.
"Throw it away."
"But you drew it well…"
"I. Said throw it away."
I'd tolerated him following me, but not this. I casually rested a hand on the sword hilt.
Sensing my mood, Dev eventually crumpled the paper he'd unfolded again.
Scratch scratch.
The drawing that had paused for a moment began again on a new sheet.
"Oh…"
Even if I'd left it for a few months, maybe because the days I'd drawn still outnumbered the days I hadn't.
Fortunately the feel came back quickly.
Thanks to that, the drawing I finished not long after had higher completeness than the previous one.
I'd controlled the line thickness more naturally and recovered my perspective and composition. Using fewer lines, this one was cleaner too.
"This is really well drawn—"
A kind of rehabilitation, I guess.
But even so, it was a crude work.
I judged it so and crumpled the paper again. Dev made regretful noises from over there all the way over here, but that wasn't my problem.
Scratch scratch.
Scratch scratch scratch.
Black lines that ate idle thoughts continued without end.
"…This is."
And when those lines had become sufficiently like usual again, I began drawing two people.
The first with a layered bob that had volume, giving off a haughty air.
The second with the handsome features of a working actor.
And the wrinkles at the corners of the eyes, the nasolabial folds around the lips, the cheekbones that naturally grew more prominent with age…
"……!"
Ah. Mom, Dad.
I carefully stroked the portrait of my parents with my fingertips so it wouldn't smudge. Of course I felt no warmth.
Still, it was good.
Still—still—only the memories of your appearances remained intact.
"…Is it family?"
Unlike the blurred voice, I still remembered the faces properly.
"…That."
I swallowed the wistfulness that had risen to my throat and blankly stared at the drawing.
I don't like comics or novels, but my parents liked the drawings I made, so I used to draw family portraits often—and that was fortunate.
Because my hand remembered them, even if the memory was a little faded I could still draw them on reflex.
Probably that was how I managed it.
"……"
Leaving the silent Dev, I took the chance to draw a few more faces I remembered.
One male friend. One female friend…
"Demon Knight!!"
Then, for a moment.
At the booming voice from quite a distance, I reflexively clenched the paper. The drawing crumpled a little because of it…
"That tactless softie…"
No—you also know my temper, so attaching yourself and talking little by little from beside me means you're not that tactful either.
But turning his head was a very good move. I carefully smoothed the crumpled paper, then slipped everything into my inventory while Dev wasn't looking.
I thought throwing it away would fit the concept better, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Having already committed unfilial acts, throwing away even your drawings would be too much. The friends too—yeah. Since I'd drawn them, I decided to keep them.
Instead I stood up as if nothing had happened. From afar I could clearly see red hair waving. Akata and Berserk were with him.
Akata was sitting on Berserk's shoulder, munching a meat skewer, and Berserk was devouring an apple in two or three bites.
"Tsk."
I crossed my arms and leaned against the bridge railing. Dev, realizing the drawing had disappeared, kept glancing at my hands, but it was already too late.
I'd put away the remaining paper and even the pen.
And they would never be seen again. Thanks to what had happened a few days ago, but my concept was never someone who showed a crumbling side to begin with.
More than anything… how would I know if he'd end up seeing the family from my setting. It was black and white and somewhat deformed thanks to my style, so it was fine for now—but if he saw it often he might later go "huh?"
That alone I wanted to prevent.
"You were here! I've been looking for you for a while!"
"If you're going to wander around just wander. Why look for us."
I glanced at Kimchi Dumpling, who'd run over bouncing, and Berserk, who'd walked over with big strides.
From the way they were chewing I'd already expected it, but whether they'd stopped by the market or not, both of them had hands full of food.
"I didn't come looking for you, so don't worry. Ah, would you like some? It's delicious!"
"Berserk likes this the most."
Yeah. Eating is what's left, I guess.
I looked at the wooden cup Kimchi Dumpling offered and the meat skewer Berserk was showing off. The wooden cup held pickled fruit, and the skewer in Berserk's hand was grilled scorpion.
The meaty aroma hit me hard.
"I don't need it."
The pickled fruit was a bit tempting, but my concept wasn't someone who'd accept easily.
I turned my body with a look that asked if that was the end of the business.
Ah!
Akata, who'd been fidgeting her hands on Berserk's shoulder, made a small sound.
"Right. This little friend said she had something to say to you."
Akata?
I turned slightly. Akata having something to say made me a little anxious and a little curious.
Of course the anxiety was also because of what I'd done.
Um….
Was she going to demand to know why I hadn't given her the chance to kill her enemy?
But kid. Even if it's her enemy, as an adult it's a bit hard to watch a child kill someone. People of this era don't put much meaning on people dying and killing, but I'm not like that.
So.
Or had she found out about the deal I made with the Magic Tower? So was she going to get mad and ask why I was pitying her?
Kids have pride too, so that possibility might be pretty high. Even if it wasn't by my will, it was true I had harmed that child's parents.
Even if things are hard, taking money from someone like that is a bit…
"Th-thank you."
…Huh.
"Truly, thank you."
In a tone awkward like newly learned words, yet clear like words repeated dozens of times, the thanks came through.
Berserk must have set her down at some point; she said it standing firmly on the ground.
"And, I'm sorry."
Akata held something out. In her small hand lay a white string bracelet with a slight green tinge.
I don't think I'll ever be able to like you. Looking at you keeps making me think of my family. But… but I think you're a good person. Really, truly a good person.
As I stood there blankly, Akata lightly took my hand and placed the string bracelet on my palm.
Considering the setting that I hated contact, I should have swatted it away—but I couldn't bring myself to.
I'm sorry. Truly sorry. You have no sin, and you really helped me so much. And yet… I….
Ah, damn.
…Will the day come when I can look at you properly? I really, with all my heart, want to convey my thanks. Can such a day come?
I suddenly felt like I was going to cry.
I yanked my hand back with a sudden start. Reflexively I'd clenched the string bracelet, and the child had already withdrawn her hand as if without lingering attachment.
My head felt blank, as if I'd been struck once.
…I thought you liked the tea made from White-headed Ribbon Leaf, so I tried making a bracelet with its stems. I wanted to give something better, but I heard that here you need money.
If she'd cried like a normal child asking why I'd taken her parents, I wouldn't have been this flustered.
If she'd gotten angry asking why I'd taken even the chance for revenge, I would have accepted it.
Why are the children of this world so sturdy?
"I should have learned more words. Thank you. There's nothing else I can say."
Why are you so mature that it only makes me more sorrowful.
I suddenly bit my lip at the chest swelling so full I couldn't even explain the reason.
Cause? I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't be this flustered either.
But my eyes betrayed me. The edges of my vision blurred slightly and I felt heat rising.
Ah, damn.
It's true that when emotions pile up too much the threshold drops and you choke up and get angry more easily.
But I went on a grand rampage at the Bigabol Tribe. I thought I'd vented some anger with that—do I still have that much sorrow left? Have I piled up so much stress that my mood flips around like this??
"Useless act."
Ah, no. I clearly cried in the room earlier. I came after crying a lot.
"You."
Or else, did thinking of my parents just now bank more sorrow? And then this kid landed a direct hit??
"It's not something for you to apologize for, kid."
I had no idea what the damn emotional trigger was.
But at the point my voice was trembling, the cause no longer mattered.
Escape. Escape was urgent.
"Demon Knight?"
"Uh, my lord—"
But a way to get out of here without breaking character…
"Hmm! As I thought, this won't do!"
"……?"
Suddenly Berserk, whose normal volume was about double a regular person's, opened her mouth.
"I've gotten impatient waiting until tomorrow!"
No—not just opened it. Berserk grinned like a rascal and dumped the foods she was holding onto Dev. When her broad palm slapped the food against his chest with a thwap, Dev received it all in a daze.
"Let's fight now, warrior!"
"—?!"
And what followed was a charge so linear it was almost cheerful.
"Uwahaha!"
Moreover it was aimed straight at me. Berserk's hand grabbed me as is.
The distance was too close, and it was a variable I hadn't even imagined, so I had no time to react.
"What—"
"Uh, uhh!!"
Thanks to that, held in that hand, I was dragged past the railing right beside us.
Yes—on this bridge built over the lake, dragged past nothing else but the railing.
"Y-you crazy warrior lady!! This is over the lake!!"
"T-the railing is forbidden to cross…! More than that, Demon Knight!!"
It was a companion dive I had suddenly been forced into.
"Let's go!"
But well… maybe it was actually good?
"Uwahahaha!"
In the last moment I didn't reach out to grab the railing. Instead, as if in exchange, I knocked Berserk's hand away.
Ah—the string bracelet I of course put into the inventory. Can't lose it.
"Demon Knight!!"
"K-knight sir!!"
W-what?! Suicide? Suicide?!?
Separately, my body that had naturally missed the chance began falling into the lake together with Berserk.
"Aak! My lord!!"
"Ah, we have to go down!"
"Crazy—why are you trying to jump in!"
F-falling!!
Splash!
And when my body finally hit the lake.
Bubble bubble!
When, with air bubbles, I reflexively rose to the surface and spat out a breath.
"You…"
I lightly wiped my eyes and reviewed the situation.
"Hahat! How is it, Demon Knight! Your body's clean now, so we can have a match!"
"…Yeah."
Since I'd gotten caught up in Berserk it wasn't a character break, and since I was wet the tears were hard to distinguish.
In other words, I'd secured both character-break prevention and an escape.
"I'll ram etiquette into your bones."
A development I liked very much!