Become My Squire (2)
I liked apples.
The bruised, brown-spotted, dirt-covered fruit with a withered stem.
The mealy texture, and the juice that would flow out with a hint of sweetness amidst the bitterness when I chewed.
I had to go hungry every day.
I was beaten dozens of times while pickpocketing.
I had to hide from the eyes of the strange men my mother brought home.
Sometimes I was slapped and trampled by my mother, but...
I hated her, and I wanted to leave, but whenever she cried her eyes out, saying she couldn't live without me, she would press that soft, mushy apple into my hand.
I liked that apple.
It was that very apple that allowed me to forget, even for a moment, a life where everything was miserable.
I think it was because of that apple that I was able to endure life in those back alleys.
Even though I could survive in that ugly life where happiness was nowhere to be found, just by having that one apple, I remember that the last apple my mother gave me had absolutely no sweetness in it at all.
It was one day.
Just like any other day, my mother went out to work, and I went out to pickpocket.
My mother suddenly brought me to the market, handed me an apple, and told me to stay here, saying she would come to pick me up when she finished her work.
She added that I wouldn't need to pickpocket anymore.
And then, she stroked my hair with a gentle smile directed at me.
Because the bright red apple she gave me looked more delicious than any apple I had ever seen.
Because it was something said by my mother, who wore that gentle face she only showed after hitting me.
I nodded with a smile.
And my mother left me at the market and went off to work.
I didn't eat the apple she gave me.
I just waited for her to come.
Perhaps it was because I kept thinking about her words that I didn't need to pickpocket anymore, so I smiled.
Expecting that I wouldn't have to be hit anymore.
I held that apple she gave me carefully and waited for her.
However, she did not come, no matter how long I waited.
Even when night fell, she did not come.
What came to find me instead of her was not my mother.
"Are you... Miss...?"
It was a tall man wearing a mask.
"For now, I am called Dottore. You can just call me... Doctor, to keep it simple."
The masked man who introduced himself as Dottore.
He knew my name, which I had forgotten, and said he had come to take me, claiming he had come in my mother's place.
And with those words.
I had a nightmare.
A clean, white space.
A light so bright it looked like backlighting.
A dream where several men, led by the masked man, forced something into me.
I hate it it hurts I hate it it hurts I hate it it hurts I hate it it hurts I hate it it hurts I hate it it hurts.
Even as I struggled, saying I hated it, they forcibly shoved something into me, over and over again.
It was more painful than any beating I had ever received.
It hurt more than any kick.
Why.
I don't know why I'm having a dream like this.
It hurts.
I thought I had gotten used to the pain.
I thought I wouldn't feel pain anymore.
It hurts so much.
Please save me.
I don't want to die.
Because it hurts too much.
Because it's too agonizing.
I shed all the tears and snot I thought I had left, fainted, woke up, cried, fainted again, and woke up to cry again, repeating the cycle.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Thinking that I was having this nightmare because I stole things.
Reaching out my hand.
Looking at the masked man who was putting something into me.
I confessed my sins.
I'm sorry for stealing.
I'm sorry for stealing.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Scratching the bed.
Scratching.
And scratching again.
Keep scratching.
A nightmare where I... beg for forgiveness.
I had such a nightmare.
And that nightmare did not stop; it continued.
But why is it.
That I keep thinking of an apple in that nightmare.
What comes to mind in the nightmare is the apple my mother gave me.
A bright red apple that looked like it would be overflowing with juice and have a crisp texture.
I wanted to eat that apple.
And I wanted to apologize.
Then.
Because I mistakenly thought that this hellish nightmare would end.
I kept waking up from the nightmare.
Facing the nightmare.
Waking up from the nightmare again.
And facing the nightmare there again.
That nightmare that seemed like it would never end, that I would never wake up from.
Whether it was said that there was an end, after all.
In the cycle of a nightmare that seemed like it would never break, at some moment, I woke up.
However.
Although I woke up from that nightmare I thought I would never wake up from.
"Congratulations. Miss... Or should I call you Number 333?"
The miserable reality I faced for the first time after escaping that nightmare.
Facing the backlight I saw every time I had the nightmare.
When I woke up from that uncomfortable dream because of the backlight, I...
"The experiment is a success. I sincerely congratulate you on becoming a spirit in a human body."
I could realize that I had turned into a giant wolf in the laboratory.
Haha.
I became a wolf.
And a huge one at that.
It didn't even hurt anymore.
The tears that flowed so much that I thought I would die of dehydration whenever I had the nightmare had dried up.
So I wanted to die, but I couldn't die at all.
It was partly because of the damn choker around my neck.
Because my mother couldn't live without me.
My mother, who cried her eyes out saying she couldn't live without me, might still be looking for me.
I lost my emotions, and I let go of my life.
I couldn't hold onto anything, but.
I couldn't leave my mother alone.
So I waited for an opportunity.
While fulfilling Dottore's demands, I waited for him to look away.
A few years passed since then.
While Dottore was distracted, I was able to escape the laboratory.
Hiding my arms, which hadn't fully transformed yet, and my wolf ears with a hood.
I ran.
I kept running.
What is my mother doing?
Could it be that she is still looking for me?
Chasing the scent of the past, I kept running and running.
I was able to meet my mother in front of an inn.
My mother, whom I met after several years, was...
She looked more beautiful than ever.
With a delicious-looking apple on the table next to her.
She was playing an instrument called a violin, which Dottore had shown me, in front of people.
Why?
Mother,
You said you couldn't live without me.
You definitely said that.
But why are you wearing such fancy clothes.
Why are you smiling so happily?
"Mother."
You said you couldn't live without me.
You said you could only live if I was there.
But.
"Who are you?"
My mother didn't remember me.
Just forgetting me and being happy...
Why are you so happy?
Why did you forget me?
"I asked who you are?"
Why are you looking at me with those eyes.
At that moment, as the wind blew.
My hood flew off, and.
"Aaaaaaaah——!!!"
As my hideously transformed arm was revealed.
People screamed and ran away.
I didn't care about those people and slowly approached my mother.
"Mother."
"Don't come."
Continuing step by step.
Toward my mother, who was trembling and screaming in blue.
"It's me."
"Don't come!"
Why are you rejecting me.
I'm the daughter who sang that you couldn't live without me.
"Moth..."
"I said don't come!"
At that moment.
My mother grabbed something on the table and threw it at me.
It was a bright red...
And the one I wanted to eat so much.
Thud.
It was an apple.
The apple that weakly hit my body and rolled onto the floor.
I realized it for the first time.
I realized for the first time that a thrown apple hurts that much.
More than any pain I had felt in my life until now.
Probably more than the pain I felt in the nightmare.
As if that apple had pierced my body, it gave me that kind of pain and fell weakly.
I picked up the last apple my mother gave me, turned around, and.
Ran.
Because I felt like I would lose myself if I stayed there.
Running and running backwards.
Running even though it was raining.
"Did you enjoy your walk?"
When I stood next to Dottore, who I didn't know when he had arrived.
While still being rained on, I looked at that detestable mask.
And chewed on the apple covered in dirt.
Not a mealy texture, but a crisp one.
Not a subtle sweetness barely flowing out amidst bitterness, but a sweetness from rich juice.
The dirt crunched as I chewed, and it went down my throat.
Ha.
It tastes bad.
That apple my mother gave me last was really...
It had no taste.
A life abandoned by everyone.
A life where it would be better to die.
But because I couldn't die even if I wanted to.
Living a life like a doll.
Going to a place called an academy as Dottore said.
Running wild as the choker told me to.
I met a man named Ian, who threw an apple at me for the second time.
He beat me with a shield and then suddenly took off my choker.
Vainly, I was able to escape Dottore like that.
So what.
Anyway, I lost my name.
It's a life where I've let go of the meaning of living.
So salvation meant nothing.
But because I guessed why he saved me, I guided him to the dungeon without a word, just as he wanted.
I even told them my identity, and I fought against the lion like that.
The lion was strong.
No, should I say it became strong.
If Dottore had seen it, he would have cheered and liked it.
Even Ian, who instantly subdued the leopard and me, was helplessly pushed back by the lion's attack.
So I told them I would die.
A life where I've already let go of the meaning of living.
I thought it would be better to use it for the guy who saved me.
I intended to die here.
But.
"The day you die is not today. Unfortunately."
I let out a hollow laugh at those words.
Don't make me laugh.
Are you saying I can't even die as I please now?
Ian, who said that, really defeated that lion without sacrificing me.
Without sacrificing me.
Ian. Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian Ian.
I resent him.
I resent him for saving me and not letting me die.
I want to die.
A life where living doesn't feel like living.
A life where I wander in nightmares and wake up only for the nightmare to continue.
Being human but not human.
Being a spirit but not a spirit.
A life where I can't belong anywhere.
I want to let go of everything in this nightmare and leave.
I don't want to live anymore.
"I told you."
Why did you save me.
Why didn't you let me die.
"Unfortunately, you are not dying today."
"But!"
But...
Really, I want to die...
Please kill me.
If I can't die for you who saved me, end it with your hands that saved me.
End this nightmare that will never end.
"You just have to get to know it."
How do I get to know it.
Everything is broken.
No one taught me.
No one told me.
Even what I learned was a lie.
But.
How on earth am I supposed to get to know that...
"If you don't know where to go. I will be your guide, wolf."
"What?"
I looked at him at those words.
He was saying that while smiling.
I don't believe it.
It's not even funny.
How are you going to teach me.
"You, become my squire."
Ha.
Is the way to teach me to become your servant?
Resentment.
And anger wells up.
So I...
"You, are you playing a prank on me?"
I pounced on Ian.
"You...!"
Ian's companions in front are furious at my actions.
Yeah.
If you won't kill me.
"I'll kill you, and I'll die at their hands."
Yeah, this is right.
Wasn't there an easier way.
It's okay, I don't really intend to kill you.
If you won't kill me, I...
"Ian!"
The guys in front of me gathered their magic, but.
Ian restrained them and then looked at me without caring.
"You just don't know yet."
"Shut up."
"If you don't know, you can just get to know it from now on."
"I said shut up."
Please, shut up.
I'm tired now.
I don't want to expect anything, and I don't want to live.
Why are you trying to save me.
"Even that corpse had the will to live."
Corpse.
Are you talking about that lion.
That was true.
It must have been dead, but it fought desperately and stubbornly.
But, I...
Ian grabbed my arm that was pressing on his chest.
"But there's no way you, who are alive, have no regrets."
"I'm already dead."
"You're alive. You just don't know it yet."
Saying that, he slowly stood up.
"Hey, aren't you frustrated?"
Frustrated?
"I know you're damn miserable, but if you die now, you'll just die miserably."
"............"
"Aren't you frustrated? You can know what happiness is now. Aren't you frustrated that you're living a life without even knowing happiness, and dying without knowing it?"
Frustrated?
That is, of course...
No words came out.
Because saying that was something I had let go of a long time ago.
But, still.
"I'm frustrated."
Being frustrated is unavoidable.
I, too, wanted to eat apples to my heart's content.
I didn't want to become a wolf like this either.
I just wanted to say I'm hurt proudly, without being hit, without pickpocketing, just like a normal person.
But.
"I've come too far for that."
"It's not too late."
"How can you be sure of that."
"I'm 20 years old and going to school. Do you think you're late?"
Ian looking at me with an expression that he doesn't understand.
His actions are still incomprehensible.
Saving me.
Choosing the easy path of sacrificing me.
And overcoming that difficult path for all to see.
......Lastly.
Can I try believing in you just once.
Even if you threw an apple at me like my mother did.
Unlike my mother, you kept the words you spoke yourself.
"Really."
Really.
"Can you teach me?"
Can I believe your words?
"If you can't believe in me, believe in Dolnesia."
"......You don't have any certainty."
"Well, shall I write a memorandum in chivalry?"
"Don't play with words."
Ian slowly sat up and matched his eye level with mine.
"Yeah, if you keep wandering, so you don't get lost."
He continued while tapping my chest.
"I will be your star."
"......"
My strength gave out at those words.
The wolf returns to being a human again.
Just like that time again.
The person behind was surprised, but.
Ian in front was the same.
Well, even if he said he was maintaining his composure, with the eyes of a spirit that sees souls, he was clearly shaken.
He's sincere.
"Ian. Can you give me the apple you threw back then?"
I asked him for an apple.
"I do have one apple left."
Then he took out an apple from thin air.
The most delicious-looking apple among all the apples I had seen until now.
I chewed on that apple.
Just like that time, it was crisp and sweet juice burst out.
"It tastes bad."
An apple where I still couldn't feel the taste.
"That's strange, it's an apple those people gave me, so there's no way it doesn't taste good."
Saying that, he...
Chewed and ate the apple I was holding.
"Hey..."
"Are you crazy? Your organs must be all damaged, what are you doing eating an apple!"
A woman called Dolnesia shouted as if scolding his actions.
However, Ian shrugged his shoulders as if nothing was wrong, and.
"It tastes good. Try it again."
Because he said that while smiling.
I chewed on the apple once again at his words.
The apple that crunched and went down my throat.
The taste of that apple, which should have tasted bad like before, was...
"It really is..."
It was very sweet, just like he said.