Chapter 201
Chapter 201
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Translator: crow
Chapter Title: Guilt and Forbidden Desire
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After somehow ending up having that conversation with Rozalin at night, I realized that I clearly saw her as an object of sexual desire.
And not just that—I also realized that I liked her.
No, it would be more accurate to say that I finally admitted what I'd been avoiding all along.
I had probably seen her that way from the very first moment I laid eyes on her.
It was just her position as my stepmother and our family ties that made me avert my gaze. In truth, I'd always looked at Rozalin that way.
"......."
But admitting that didn't change the fact that we were family.
We weren't bound by blood, but we'd spent nearly ten years together as family.
Moreover, Rozalin cherished me more as a daughter than I'd ever imagined.
Was it right to look at someone like that through such a lens?
I had no idea.
It was different from the thrill of taboo mischief I'd felt back when I hid my attraction to women and played pranks on the girls around me, despite being physically one of them.
This felt more like guilt than wicked pleasure.
"Haa...."
For now... I got up.
The sun was already up, and I had to get on with today's schedule regardless.
.
.
.
.
.
As always, after Lize helped me prepare for the morning, I headed straight to breakfast.
That conversation from last night wouldn't change our daily routine.
It had only been about the future, after all—nothing directly related to the present.
"Mother, did you sleep well?"
"Yes, I slept fine. Did you, Camellia?"
"I did too."
So we just exchanged ordinary small talk while waiting for the meal.
Even though we always ate just the two of us, something felt off today.
Rozalin was treating me as normally as ever, but I couldn't seem to do the same.
Even during our casual pre-meal chat, it was a bit hard to treat her ordinarily.
"You're heading out this afternoon too?"
"Probably. I have quite a bit piled up...."
"Hehe, take breaks in between. Pace yourself with your condition. Don't overdo it just because there's more work."
"I will."
"Oh, I heard it might rain around dinner time tonight. Just in case, make sure to bring an umbrella?"
During our talk, my eyes kept drifting toward Rozalin.
Not because I meant to—it was more like they moved there automatically.
Before, I'd glanced at her stealthily, but now I was just staring openly.
She didn't seem to mind my gaze much....
But it was bothering me constantly.
"What are you up to outside today?"
"I'm probably going to check out the inn next to the Adventurer's Guild. It's not operating right now, but the location seems promising."
"Ah.... The south does get a lot of adventurers."
"Yeah, I'll prepare to reopen before winter starts."
Rozalin was speaking to me in her usual attitude and tone, but I couldn't match that.
My eyes kept getting drawn to her gentle smile as she talked to me.
If I hadn't been keeping my wits about me, I might've spouted something weird or just stared at her face blankly.
*
With so much business-related work, I spent most of the day out.
It made me understand why William had ended up in that state from nonstop work.
Well, aside from that, his overall lifestyle habits were terrible too.
In the end, I returned to the mansion utterly exhausted.
"Haa...."
Truth be told, I'd deliberately spent more time outside today.
Rozalin was always at the mansion, and running into her frequently didn't feel great in my current state.
So I'd thrown myself into even more business tasks outdoors.
Even ones I could've skipped for today.
It wasn't that I disliked spending time with her—it was just that seeing her filled me with guilt.
No matter how I thought about it, viewing my stepmother as a sexual object wasn't normal or right.
"This is driving me crazy."
It felt like I'd regressed to when I was eight.
No different from the time I first met her.
She'd seen me as her daughter back then too, and I hadn't been able to see her simply as a stepmother.
My body had grown so much since those days, but my mind felt stuck in the past.
"...I should at least take a bath."
I was tired all around, and I'd been out and about a lot today.
I left my room and headed straight to the bathroom.
It was late, past dinner time, and I needed some rest.
"I told Lize to just rest...."
She'd followed me around all day too, so I'd let her rest in her room. I grabbed my clothes alone and arrived at the bathroom.
It was empty inside.
Rozalin went to bed early, and this bathroom wasn't one the servants could use anyway.
"I can relax comfortably."
Unlike usual, entering alone, I washed up roughly and slipped into the bath.
Not as good as Nordal Castle's hot springs, but this was plenty.
"Fuu...."
Being in the mansion made my mind race because of Rozalin; being out wore my body down with business.
With both body and mind exhausted, was that why?
At least soaking here like this felt somewhat relaxing.
I closed my eyes and just rested without doing anything.
Thoughts of Rozalin still kept popping up, but... what could I do?
Even trying not to think of her, they came anyway.
"...Crazy bitch."
It was just a word to myself.
No matter what, seeing my stepmother that way was a problem.
Setting aside the age gap or her looks, I was the one with the issue.
"...What should I do?"
Maybe it'd be better to leave the mansion after turning eighteen and live separately?
No, that would leave Rozalin alone in the mansion, bitter and abandoned.
"...I don't know."
What was the best way to handle this?
No best solution or even second-best came to mind. All I could do was sink deeper into the bath.
Why did the perfectly warm water feel extra hot today?
Was it punishment I was giving myself for the guilt of seeing her that way?
"...I never felt this way with girls my age."
I was surrounded by plenty of pretty girls my age.
Starting with Lize, then Ella, Karen, Ivana, Grace—all beautiful.
Ashley could count too, even with the age difference.
The days of seeing them purely as friends were long gone.
Around the second semester of my first year at the academy, I'd started viewing them more as opposite-sex friends.
That's why I'd teased them with pranks and all sorts of skinship.
"I didn't feel any guilt back then."
Yet with Rozalin, even without much skinship or teasing, the guilt was overwhelming.
Just recognizing her that way brought on a heavy dose.
Even when I'd crept close to her sleeping form, touching and holding her, the guilt and "sorry" feelings outweighed any taboo thrill.
"Because it was something I shouldn't do."
It was separate from her being pretty, young, and me developing a crush.
What I'd done to her was obviously the kind of thing I shouldn't.
But even so, I couldn't help it.
Emotions overpowered reason, blocking out thoughts of what I shouldn't do.
"...She was married, to begin with."
The more I thought, the more my head numbed.
Maybe because I kept dwelling on unsolvable thoughts.
I didn't know.
"...Is this why Rozalin drinks?"
She always handled tough talks over alcohol for a reason.
Man... this is hard.
With that thought, an image surfaced of Rozalin getting drunk and losing her senses after drinking to steel herself.
Every time we drank together, her intoxicated state seemed so alluring.
She probably didn't realize it herself.
Holding and touching her secretly like that would be nice, but... doing it when she's sober would surely be even better.
Embracing a clear-headed Rozalin, touching her body....
"...That'd be nice."
Yeah, it definitely would.
Better than any money from business.
Not just physical pleasure—mental dopamine would explode too.
"...Hah."
Weird fantasies kept blooming in my mind.
Bad ones I shouldn't have.