Land, Sea, and Air
Even in my previous life on active duty, I'd never taken an eye-blast like that.
After experiencing Let there be light!, I prepared a fitting punishment for the little bear.
You know those insect collecting containers?
The ones with just enough air holes punched through the top and a clear plastic body underneath.
I filled one nearly to the brim with water—enough to slosh—and laid the little bear lengthwise into the narrow space.
All he had to do was brace himself and not fall.
"If any part of you is wet by the time I get back, you're dead. Got it?"
To keep him from climbing out and then climbing back in to pretend he'd held on the whole time, I sealed the lid tightly with tape as well.
"Kyaaaaah—!"
"That'll do. Let's go."
With that satisfying scream ringing in my ears, I dusted off my hands and grabbed my mask and staff.
We left the apartment and found a secluded spot out of sight, then spoke the transformation chants together with Siyeon.
"Moon Power—! Transform!"
"Sun."
Compared to Siyeon's attempt at ceremony, mine was so bare-bones it barely counted as a chant at all—no, not even that. It was just plain lazy.
I hadn't wanted a transformation chant that made my soul cringe, so this was the inevitable choice.
Since the little bear—our monster radar—had been left behind for punishment, we had to rely on Siyeon's mascot for tracking.
Following the snake that took the lead, we arrived at the rooftop of some apartment building.
A dark figure about a hundred and seventy centimeters tall caught my eye.
"In the name of love and justice, I will not forgive you!"
Siyeon got the line out before the monster could open its mouth.
Hearing her, it whipped its head around without moving its body and looked our way.
Bright yellow eyes gleaming in the dark.
I'd seen those eyes plenty of times in videos.
Ah, right—raptor eyes.
"Hoo— hoo—"
Instead of a monster's voice, all we heard was an owl's hoot.
"Eek?!"
Watching the monster's neck rotate all the way around, Siyeon completely froze up.
Yeah, seeing a human-sized bird head spin a hundred and eighty degrees—that would scare anyone.
"Hoo-hoo— Are you frightened by something as trivial as a rotating head? How disappointing...."
Anger surged at a monster that had no idea what it was doing wrong.
Before you even get a chance to feel scared, how do you think it feels being dragged out in the middle of the night?
Some people might burn with a sense of duty. Me? I'm just fucking furious.
I turned that rising anger straight into words and said them out loud.
"You bastards really are going land, sea, and air with this shit, huh."
"Hoo—?"
The time before last, a land beast.
Last time, a sea beast.
This time, a sky beast.
"For fuck's sake, what is this, three-delicacy jjajang?"
"Hoo-hoo-woo—?"
Chop it all up and sell it to a Chinese restaurant and you'd get a few platters of three-delicacy jjajangmyeon out of it.
"Don't you fucking hoo-hoo-woo me! Aah, I'm pissed."
That signature way of talking just stoked the fire, making me press a hand to my forehead.
I'd thought I was done listening to that shitty speech style, and now even the monsters were doing it.
Fine. At least I'd already thought up a stress-relief old-fashioned punishment...
My staff's light would be way too conspicuous in the middle of the night, so I looked at Siyeon and said,
"Moon, use that shining whatever—the flash thing."
"Huh? Okay...."
Siyeon raised her staff as ordered and aimed it at the owl monster.
"Hoo-hoo-woo—! Do you think I'll just sit here and watch?!"
Of course it wouldn't stay still. It shot up into the sky and dove like a raptor hunting prey.
Monsters were simple creatures anyway—running away never even entered their heads.
Their patterns were so easy to predict that every fight completely lacked tension.
"Yeah, that's right. Come as close as you can."
"Moonlight—!"
"Hwoo-oo-ooook—?!"
Unlike us, who'd already squinted our eyes shut, the owl monster took the moonlight straight in its open eyes.
So it wasn't "shining" or "flash" after all. Not a single syllable right.
Blinded by the light, the monster kept charging and nearly went over the apartment rooftop railing—I caught it.
"Ups-a-daisy."
With a short grunt of effort, I laid the still-fluttering, eyes-squeezed-shut owl monster gently on the floor.
Siyeon—no, Moon—looked reluctant.
But some things had to be said firmly.
"Sun, do we really have to do this...?"
"Trauma is important, Moon... It keeps them from getting a reason to come back here."
"Hoo, hoo-woo—? W-what are you planning to do...?"
I gave the owl monster's belly a light rub, feeling the texture.
The distinctive smoothness of bird feathers—like any living creature, it offered a special kind of touch.
"Mmm, soft..."
My hand, stroking down the belly feathers, stopped in one spot. My fingers closed around a thick fistful of feather shafts.
Only then did the owl monster seem to grasp how serious this was. Its pupils shrank to pinpricks.
"Hoo, y-you... You can't mean—?"
"Time for a little dressing."
With a dense rustle, a whole handful of feathers came free in my grip.
"Hwoo-oo-oo-ooook—?!!"
I yanked out fistfuls of feathers and tossed them aside.
Yanked them out, tossed them away without a second thought.
I just kept going until that body was as bare and smooth as a raw chicken.
"Huh? What?"
Somewhere along the way the screaming stopped, and the owl monster began to scatter like magical powder.
Siyeon's pitying expression turned toward the monster's face, which still looked like it was rolling its eyes in despair.
"I think it's already dead...."
"I haven't even left a 'brand' yet...."
Before it completely vanished, I gave the shaft of my magic staff a slight twist, channeling the power of the sun into it.
Sizzle.
I pressed the heart-shaped tip of the still underheated staff against the area where I'd plucked the most feathers, leaving at least a faint mark.
The smell of roasting bird meat made me crave fried chicken even in the middle of the night.
Right after flying back near home—not our apartment, but the rooftop of a nearby building.
"Transformation release."
"Release."
The lingering scent of the owl monster in my nose was calling for fried chicken.
Hoping Siyeon might join me on this little side quest, I pointed my thumb toward the convenience store behind the building and asked,
"I'm stopping by the store for some frozen fried chicken. What about you, Siyeon?"
"I'm good...."
She answered in a drained voice, already looking exhausted, and headed down from the rooftop a step ahead of me.
Not hungry? Even after smelling that, she didn't want chicken?
I followed her down to the first floor, then she turned toward home while I headed for the convenience store.
A measly two hundred grams of convenience-store frozen fried chicken for five thousand eight hundred won.
The value-for-money was screaming in agony, but heating up that pepper-crusted spicy fried chicken in the microwave in the middle of the night was so delicious it defied description.
For that brief pleasure, I also grabbed an eleven-hundred-won can of cider that had equally abandoned all pretense of value.
This was world peace.
That hit the spot.
I patted my undergrown belly—full after barely eating anything—and headed back to the apartment.
Siyeon must have been worn out; she was already in bed.
Just as I was about to climb up to the top bunk, a sound close to a pained groan reached me.
"Uuuuugh...!"
Somehow the little bear hadn't fallen from the top of the collecting container.
Right. He was still here.
Trembling inside the container, he turned his head my way. He did not look like anything that belonged in a magical girl anime.
"C-can you let me out now?!"
"Sorry about that. I forgot."
"Khuh!"
A desperate question met with a limp answer.
Splash—with a light water sound, the teddy bear plunged into the water inside the insect collecting container.
His arms and legs must have given out from sheer despair.
A handful of frozen fried chicken and a soda had long since burned away the anger from the eye-blast.
I peeled off the tape I'd wrapped to keep him from getting out, listening to the sticky ripping sound, then opened the lid and pulled out the soaked teddy bear.
To keep the water from spraying everywhere, I squeezed the wetness out of him right there on the spot.
"Gueeeeh—"
A pained groan as the water was wrung out of him.
He sounded like one of those squeaky toys that make noise when you press them.
I tossed the teddy bear carelessly aside and climbed up to the top bunk to go back to sleep.
Waking up in the middle of the night, tearing into a monster for stress relief, polishing off a bag of fried chicken and a can of soda, then crawling into bed—
Naturally, there was no way I was falling asleep easily.
So much for sleep.
Eventually I rolled from lying on my back onto my stomach and turned on my smartphone.
Meanwhile, a soft rustling sound reached me.
The light sound of footsteps on the blanket—definitely the little bear.
Without even needing to look that way, I kept my eyes on the bright smartphone screen and said,
"You try waking me up like that again next time, I swear."
"Well then, how am I supposed to wake you?"
"Just shake me a few times and talk in my ear and I'll get up. Shining a light in my eyes? I thought you were a complete psychopath."
"Ah, I see."
Hearing the little bear's understanding reply, I went back to looking at my phone—and then a question occurred to me.
How did other magical girls wake up when a monster appeared in the middle of the night?
"Hey."
"Yes?"
"What do the other magical girls do? When a monster shows up at night."
He looked genuinely puzzled that I'd even ask something like that, and answered,
"They usually just set off an alarm."
"What a fucking extreme job...."
I spat out a curse as the working conditions of magical girls suddenly hit me as very, very real.
These people really would do anything to kids.