A Dumb Woman Just Needs to Be Good at Cooking
As I walked through the interior of the Tower of Trials, grinning mischievously while calling out to him, Jinwoo already looked like he was running out of steam.
After all the filthy jokes earlier, he was clearly bracing himself for whatever fresh nonsense I was about to unleash.
“Mr. Jinwoo, I heard that whenever the princess and Magnus are alone together, they get all sticky and rub up against each other. Is that true?”
“Sia, how on earth do you even know about stuff like that?!”
Jinwoo shouted in horror, but the truth was… it was completely accurate.
“Mmm… Mommy…”
“Yes, Your Highness… Please make yourself comfortable.”
When the two of them were alone in the office, the princess would bury her face in Magnus’s enormous chest to relieve stress, acting like a spoiled child. The blue-haired woman would simply watch with a tender, loving smile as the princess nuzzled against her, as if the sight itself brought her joy.
The rumor that the ruler of a nation and her secretary shared an intimate relationship was apparently no rumor at all.
“Th-that’s enough. Why are you even telling me this?”
Jinwoo’s face had gone pale, as though he were staring into a vast abyss. I gave him the simplest answer possible.
“We intrude, of course.”
“What? During the tower climb?”
“No. We intrude on the yuri.”
“...”
It sounded ridiculous, but it was actually an extremely effective plan.
If we could successfully seduce the princess, we could minimize any future conflicts. Not to mention it would be the perfect opportunity to enjoy a threesome.
If we could conquer both Esmeralda and Magnus and force them into retirement, true peace wouldn’t be a dream—it would be reality. And then I could enjoy a wonderful harem life with a slender beauty on one arm and a voluptuous one on the other…
“You can do it! For our sake, please become this academy’s resident playboy!!”
“That seems a bit much.”
Unfortunately, Jinwoo’s firm refusal left me disappointed.
“What a shame… Well, the capture difficulty is quite high, so the risks are significant.”
“...Sia, aren’t you the one with the highest capture difficulty?”
“Me? Since I’m a man, I’m not the heroine, so I wouldn’t know… but the original Ryushia’s route was considered pretty difficult as well.”
Maybe it was my imagination, but he seemed unusually focused on my answer just now.
Well… whatever.
“It’s our turn to move now.”
“Got it.”
“Hmm? It feels like someone’s heading toward where I am.”
A red-haired girl rolling around in a pure white space tilted her head at the strange presence she sensed.
“Ah, whatever.”
Deciding it wasn’t important, she simply continued her training.
Woooong—!
Fwoooosh—!
“No! Why won’t the buff skill timing line up properly?!”
While practicing her fire magic alone, she would suddenly scream and stomp her feet in frustration.
“What’s the difference between ‘in the case of activation’ and ‘when activated’?!”
The skill description was so confusing that she clutched her head, eyes spinning in circles.
“Sequence…? Order? Sequence? Order?”
In the end, the young mage’s brain overheated and completely shut down.
Finally, after entering the Tower of Trials, we were greeted by a horde of green-skinned goblins.
Short in stature with scrawny builds, their organized hunting tactics still made them a threat that required caution.
These days, environmental sanitation companies probably made more money from goblin extermination than actual pest control.
Even the protagonist had nearly been overwhelmed by a group like this in the beginning…
“N-no, that’s not true! The ones I encountered were all elite soldiers!”
“Sure, sure~ Enough with the excuses. Let’s clean them up.”
“Hiiing…”
“Ugh, so annoying.”
“I shall have them all repent.”
Only one person answered my command with any real energy. The rest muttered without enthusiasm.
“Miss Arkhis? If you let even a single monster slip past, I’ll be booking you an appointment at the barber for a nice short cut… Hehe.”
“Actually, my nickname is Royal PMC’s cage-raised Mk-3! Ohohoho!!!”
In a flash, the previously listless silver-haired noble suddenly roared with fighting spirit and charged forward.
Just as I thought—people really can do anything when they put their minds to it.
“Uwaaaaaah!!”
Even Jinwoo, after witnessing that display of madness, reluctantly let out a battle cry and rushed in.
Slice!
He gripped his one-handed sword and shield, dashing forward to decapitate a goblin in a single clean stroke.
“Kieeeeeeek!!!”
“This much is nothing!!”
Even as blood sprayed across his body from the severed neck, he kept a sharp gaze fixed on the next enemy.
“Oh?”
He actually had decent senses.
Compared to how he’d flopped over like a pancake in the real combat gate, his movements now showed real promise.
A newbie like this might actually be worth raising.
Of course…
“Hup!”
Shiiiing—!
Stab!
Compared to Arkhis, who weaved through the enemy lines with lightning-fast rapier strikes, he was still very much a rookie.
Her continuous thrusts pierced the monsters’ throats, killing them instantly.
“Hup!”
BOOOOOOM—!
Even so, Arkhis was no match for Elia, who was literally tearing the goblins in half.
“Kreeee…!!”
THUD!
As the Saint ripped out the goblins’ spines and arms with wild abandon, the terrified monsters began fleeing in panic.
Not that escaping that monster was actually possible.
“Do not run away!”
Crunch!
Splat!
Riiiiip—!
“Whoa.”
Elia’s hand-to-hand combat really was a work of art.
She had simply charged forward at ridiculous speed, yet the goblins were already bursting like overripe tomatoes.
Her durability was practically on par with a modern fourth-generation main battle tank. Her entire body was a weapon.
And since she was technically a Saint, she even had healing skills. To her enemies, she must have seemed like death itself approaching.
“Kueeeeeeeek?!”
SMASH!!!
“My, how brutal…”
Of course, the sight of limbs flying off as goblins were crushed against the Saint’s body was rather grotesque.
Normal people who disliked cruelty would probably frown at such a sight.
“Are you really the one to talk?”
“Pardon? Did you say you wanted a shave?”
“That’s what I almost said…”
I silenced the noblewoman—who had been standing idle and spouting nonsense—with a sharp glare.
“Now then, I suppose I should do my part as well.”
Let’s see… about twenty goblins had spawned.
If I took care of around five, that should be plenty.
Shing.
“...Krrk?”
Click.
I drew my blade in front of the goblins, then smoothly returned it to its sheath.
To an outsider it might have looked like a meaningless gesture, but my fight was already over. There was no elegance in moving my body against trash mobs like these.
Moon Flash
Iaijutsu Technique
I quietly whispered the words and closed my eyes.
SHIIIIIIING—!!!
“Kreeeeek?!”
The goblins let out their final agonized screams as they died.
Some were decapitated, others sliced clean in half, and a few had their upper bodies completely severed.
“Hmm. I was trying to cut only their necks cleanly… I really need to hit level 50 soon.”
It seemed my skill enhancement and leveling were still insufficient.
Later, once the others were resting, I would need to sneak out and do some solo farming. The resources they earned wouldn’t even be enough for them to sustain themselves.
“Alright! Let’s keep this momentum going and push forward!”
We cleared the floors at a fairly brisk pace.
Jinwoo steadily parried and counterattacked, taking down one goblin at a time with care.
Thanks to my constant scolding, Arkhis moved with surprising alertness.
And Elia…
“Hahaha! Holy war!!!”
BOOOOM!
SPLAT!
CRAAAAASH!!
“Whoops…”
She had thrown a single goblin and ended up bursting three others in the process.
If I had to compare it to games:
Jinwoo was playing a Souls-like console game.
Arkhis was playing a standard RPG.
Elia was playing a hack-and-slash game.
She’d probably get along with that suspiciously well-optimized demon hunter from a certain game.
I wondered what would happen if she picked up a chainsaw.
“We’re making pretty good progress.”
The first floor took two minutes.
The second floor took three minutes and ten seconds.
Of course, I had only taken out a few myself and mostly played the role of observer.
And then…
“Kuaaaaark!!!”
The elite goblin lord, boss of the third floor, finally appeared.
“Repent!!!”
BAAAANG!
THUD!
CRUNCH!!
Elia grabbed the goblin lord by the leg and slammed it into the stone floor three times.
“Kueeee…”
“The lord is rather fragile.”
BOOOOOOOM!!!
After only a few hits, the Saint tossed the broken toy aside with a disappointed sigh.
“We really do have two maniacs in this party…”
Arkhis turned away from the gruesome, flattened corpse embedded in the floor. It was too horrible to look at.
“Excellent. With the boss defeated, shall we collect our rewards?”
So far, the resources we had earned amounted to enough diamonds for ten pulls.
Now we just needed to secure Iflata for sure and we’d be done.
“Where are you? Miss Iflata~”
“Professor Lamia is looking for you!”
While we all searched for her together, we finally found her slightly away from the third-floor combat area.
“This girl is…”
Her hair was a passionate shade of red, tied in a cute side-up ponytail that gave her an adorable impression. It made you want to pat her head.
“Did Mommy call for me?”
“Yes. She said you weren’t coming back, so she’s looking for you. Let’s head down together.”
“Okay.”
Her youthful, clear voice and slender figure radiated the charm of a fresh young maiden.
“You all helped Mommy, right? Thank you. This is a present from me.”
“Huh?”
Surprisingly, Iflata thanked us and even gave us a gift as a token of gratitude.
She really was a kind and adorable girl. If she had one tiny flaw…
Grade:Scam Item (Legendary Nonsense)
Effects: Improves blood circulation, antioxidant properties, promotes hormone secretion, boosts metabolism, relaxes the autonomic nervous system, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties, and even cures cancer!
Bonus: The negative ions emitted by this germanium material elevate the human spirit to a higher plane…
“Um…”
She was slightly—by which I mean extremely—stupid.
“This germanium material emits negative ions that…”
“By the way, how much did you pay for this thing?”
“Two hundred thousand won!”
“...?”
I take back what I said earlier. She’s a complete idiot.
“Now that I think about it, Mommy definitely told me to come back by 5 p.m. today. Why is she calling me back so early?”
She tilted her head, pressing a finger to her lips in confusion.
“It’s already 5:30 p.m.”
“No it isn’t! There’s still a whole day left!”
“?”
“?”
No way…
It couldn’t be, right?
“Did you… perhaps confuse ‘today’ with ‘Friday’…?”
“Ah.”
Damn it. That was exactly it.
“I-I thought it was until today, so I figured I could stay longer!”
“Sigh…”
I had met many people since coming to this world, but none of them made my head spin quite like Iflata.
In the game she had just been portrayed as cute, but in reality it was giving me a headache.
“Isn’t ‘today’ the same as Friday?”
Wait, what the hell is wrong with you too?
“...Lady Arkhis, I at least know the difference.”
When Elia saw the noblewoman making the exact same brain-dead mistake as Iflata, she let out a sigh of pure pity.
“Ha? Are you mocking me right now!? I bet you don’t even know what ‘three days from now’ means!”
“Three days from now is three days. Four days from now is four days. Five days from now is five days. Six days from now is six days. A week from now is seven days. Eight days from now is eight days. Nine days from now is nine days.”
“Eh?”
“What do you call thirty days?”
“Um… a full moon?”
“That would be the last day of the month. A full moon is the fifteenth.”
“...”
“I didn’t know that last part either…”
I was genuinely impressed by Elia’s unexpectedly knowledgeable response.
Who would have thought the woman who smashed everything to pieces was actually an intelligence-type character?
“You should study a little.”
Pat. Pat.
Elia looked at Arkhis with pity in her eyes, gave her a couple of light taps on the shoulder, and walked away.
Those left behind were…
“Heeeh…”
Iflata, standing there with her mouth hanging open in a vacant expression.
“...Am I really dumber than that gorilla…?”
Arkhis, whose mentality and pride had been completely shattered, looking as if her soul had left her body.
“U-um…?”
And Jinwoo, stuck awkwardly between the two of them, not knowing what to do.
“Haha. The truth is, women just need to be good at cooking and know how to tighten up down there…”
“Sia! What the hell are you saying now!!”
I had simply tried to offer them comfort in my own way.