The Thing Called Shame
Whether it was the price for forcing something as reckless as a Sanctuary Declaration with a body that possessed barely a shred of faith…
Apparently I blacked out again the moment Gaon’s soldiers found us and arrived.
"…I’m exhausted."
Anyway, by the time I came to, two full days had already passed…
"You look awful."
"I feel like I’m gonna throw up…"
After taking a sip of the water Lucy was carefully feeding me, I propped my body—ready to collapse at any second—against the edge of the bed as best I could.
"So… what happened?"
I asked Huey, who had been quietly watching me for a while now.
…At least his eye color was back to normal.
"When that necromancer finally retreated, the dragon’s corpse evaporated right along with him."
Just like the last thing we’d seen. They’d scoured the entire area for two days and still found no trace of the body.
"Thanks to that, the whole funeral rite we’d prepared got postponed indefinitely, the banquet got canceled… Right now everyone’s just busy collecting the wounded and the dead."
"A lot of people got hit by the living dead’s rot poison, so they’re having a rough time of it," Lucy added.
It wasn’t exactly a situation you could call light on casualties. Still, three disaster-class threats had shown up and the damage had been contained to this level…
"…Strong country."
That alone was proof of how tough Gaon really was. I nodded toward Huey, who was shrugging as if the compliment were aimed at him personally.
After that brief rundown of the current situation, I asked,
"Anyway, how are the ones who fought the dragons?"
The king, Hyeonjin, and Cheonyu.
"Actually… Master…"
"It’s truly a tragedy…"
Both of them quietly averted their eyes from me.
Don’t tell me…
—Rattle.
"Oh, you’re awake."
……?
"So. Feeling any better?"
That exchange just now. Anyone would have taken it to mean Hyeonjin was dead.
"Hm? What’s with that face? Something hurt?"
Hyeonjin, leaning on his cane as he opened the door, looked at me—still too stunned to speak—with mild confusion. Then he swung the cane at Huey, who was sitting in the chair.
"Ugh. Move, you brat."
He shooed Huey out of the seat, dragged the now-ownerless chair over, and plopped down heavily.
"…Hey."
His left leg was missing from the knee down, but otherwise Hyeonjin looked perfectly lively. Only then did I realize Huey and Lucy had been messing with me.
"Pfft—khk…"
"Fufu…"
"Heh. You kids never get tired of these games, do you?"
Anyway, I decided to save the payback for the two who’d dared to prank me for later.
"What happened to the leg?"
"Clean slice. Got me good."
A single leg was no big deal, he said with a hearty laugh. He was planning to hand the Taoist Master seat over to Cheonyu and retire while he was at it.
"And Cheonyu?"
"That kid took some pretty serious wounds herself. It’ll be a few more days before she’s up and walking around."
Considering they’d faced two dragons at once, getting off with only this much damage was a miracle, he added.
"As for His Majesty… just thinking about how he said a little spit would fix him and then went straight back to work still gives me the chills."
Hyeonjin was already smiling brightly, looking forward to retirement, when—
"Um, Master?"
"What. You’re making me nervous, so don’t say it."
Huey looked at him with something like pity and quietly delivered the death sentence.
"Actually, His Majesty said yesterday that if Cheonyu becomes Taoist Master, he’ll be able to keep Master by his side forever…"
"Hrrk…"
"Retirement denied."
At Huey’s words, Hyeonjin clutched the back of his neck and fainted on the spot.
"…Looks like that hit harder than losing the leg."
"How much must he hate working to react like that?"
"Haha. He always said his lifelong dream was to retire and just watch his grandkids play."
Even while staring at his completely passed-out master, Huey looked completely unfazed and declared that it had been an impossible dream from the start.
"Anyway, as you can see, Master doesn’t have much to do for a while."
The seal reinforcement and physical stabilization were both progressing smoothly, he added—words that would have made the man himself jump out of his skin if he’d been conscious. Huey suggested we stay only until the cleanup from the incident was finished, then head out.
"You’re not hurt anywhere, right?"
"Well… for now."
"What’s with that vague answer?"
"Nothing worth worrying about."
"I’ve been asking him all day and he keeps giving me the same non-answer," Lucy said.
I glared at Huey for the deliberately unsettling half-replies. Lucy sidled up, casually kneading my wing, and added that I might as well give up trying to get a straight answer.
And so, following Huey’s suggestion that we’d done everything we could and the only thing left was to rest easy, we decided to take it easy until our bodies recovered.
The next day.
"…Ugh."
Something I hadn’t noticed at all until yesterday: ever since I’d woken up from that blackout, far too many little things had started bothering me.
"What’s wrong, Ren?"
"Nothing… just a bit chilly."
"Is it? Feels warmer than usual to me."
"……"
The whole way to Huey’s room with Lucy like always, I couldn’t settle down. My side kept feeling strangely empty and exposed.
More precisely, every tiny movement made the fabric shift and open gaps that I just couldn’t ignore.
"…Lucy."
"Yes?"
"Go on ahead today. I’m going to rest a little longer in my room."
"Ah, of course. If you’re not feeling well, rest well."
I gave Lucy a quick nod, then hurried back to my room and lifted a wing to press it over my chest.
My face felt hot today too. I must still be a little off, I told myself, trying to soothe my own nerves.
"There’s no way…"
I knew perfectly well that my body was healthier right now than it had ever been. I flopped onto the bed, stared at the ceiling, rested a wing over my racing heart, and sighed.
"…I’m going crazy, seriously."
How had I ever managed to ignore this feeling before? The brush of cloth across my chest, the bare skin that peeked out whenever the fabric fluttered—every single sensation hit me with overwhelming intensity.
Even with my thick skull, I could tell exactly why I was like this.
No one else. Me. Ren.
…I was embarrassed.
"Uwaaaa…!"
I could swear on anything that this had never happened before. I clearly remembered never once feeling ashamed of this body.
And yet.
Even though my head still knew there was nothing particularly shameful about looking like this—
"What the hell is this…!"
—my body, not my head, was treating my current appearance as something to be ashamed of.
The cause of this maddening disconnect was obvious without even looking.
…Dana.
Correct. Pfft.
The former Apostle of the God of Fire who’d been snickering like a deflating balloon inside my head for a while now. This had to be her influence.
A woman’s bare skin isn’t something you just casually expose! I’d really like my junior to dress a little more modestly.
Apparently she had a preferred outfit in mind.
…For example?
I had zero intention of granting the request, but I figured I might as well ask what she wanted.
Priest robes, or priest robes, or something like priest robes!
Great. Rejected.
Aw, why!
Feeling like I’d just wasted my time, I shoved Dana’s chattering voice into a far corner of my mind so I wouldn’t have to hear it.
"Why would I wear something like that."
It wasn’t about hating fluttery clothes or refusing to wear women’s clothes.
"I don’t even plan on serving any god in the first place."
Surely one apostle who didn’t worship a god was allowed to exist.
…Anyway.
"Haa."
I curled up on the bed, trying to cool a body that was burning far hotter than last time.
"Ah, whatever…"
Maybe this shame thing would get easier with time. I decided to tough it out for a while.
And so three days passed.
For three whole days I wandered every corner of the place trying to get used to the embarrassment, only to hear—
"Perhaps it’s time you simply gave up."
"Just give up and make yourself comfortable already, Ren."
—from Cheonyu and Lucy, who had somehow caught on and latched onto me.
"Sh-shut up!"
Even I had to admit my face was red enough to be ridiculous as I skulked around the castle grounds.
"…Before, you were so bold no one paid attention. But now that you’re embarrassed yourself, the people looking at you are the ones who feel awkward. Complaints have started coming into the Taoist Office."
Cheonyu glared at me. She’d barely gotten out of bed before being suddenly made Taoist Master and was already drowning in work; she clearly wanted to know why I was making it worse.
"Ren. At this rate Master’s going to notice soon too, you know?"
Lucy, on the other hand, was smiling brightly like she’d found a fun new toy, poking me with her finger over and over.
"Cheep…"
"Looks like she’s reached her limit."
"Come on, let’s go rest."
In the end I couldn’t hold out and just sank to the ground. Half-dragged by Cheonyu and Lucy, I flopped down in the same pavilion I’d already imposed on several times before.
I was cooling my burning face in the breeze when—
"Ah, by the way… has anything happened with Chan-hui?"
Apparently Cheonyu had brought work with her today. She looked up from the documents she was reviewing and suddenly asked Lucy and me.
"Huh? Not really?"
"Is there a problem?"
Nothing special had happened since the fight with the necromancer, so of course we both shook our heads in confusion.
"No… how should I put it… he seems a little more energetic somehow…"
Cheonyu’s face turned pink as she said he looked just like he had when he first arrived in Gaon.
"I get the feeling something changed in his heart."
"That so?"
"He looks the same as always to me…"
After a short conversation about Huey, Cheonyu stood up.
"Well, Ren’s body seems to have settled down a bit, so I’ll be going. See you tomorrow."
I saw her off, then sighed under the self-loathing that washed over me again.
"Haa…"
The great Ren, trembling with embarrassment just because a little bare skin was showing, like some little girl.
I almost wanted to die.
…For real.