That Couldn't Be Reality
"I never told you to be perfect! But at the very least! I only ever asked you to keep your conduct decent enough that no one would have anything to say about you!"
It wasn't what she had wanted to say.
But at some point, the moment Cariel's face came into view, these were the words that came spilling out of her.
Even as she spoke them, she knew she shouldn't be.
Words that were somehow meant to be encouraging, born of regret and pity — and yet, for some reason, they all came out sounding like irritation.
Even right after the words left her mouth, she knew it was wrong.
…If she handled him clumsily here, the boy might grow up crooked.
Once she had resolved not to coddle him, then…
…She — Ermina — had no choice but to swallow the bitterness down inside.
I don't want to say these things either, my child.
But… I have to raise you properly, don't I?
Even I… don't feel at ease doing this.
Why can't you understand that?
You're more than capable of doing everything asked of you.
Why won't you listen?
Why do you let every word slide past you, ignore it, turn your back on it?
"That's enough."
"…What?"
But today was different.
His eyes were cast down as ever, yet he no longer looked like someone simply enduring in silence the way he always had.
The low, pressing tone of his voice, burning as though pent-up resentment had soaked into it. The twisted angle of his brows and the look in his eyes, glimpsed between his raised head.
At that hostile bearing, Ermina momentarily lost her words and asked again.
"What… did you just say? To me… just now."
"I said enough! How long am I supposed to listen to that nagging? I'm trying hard enough as it is! I'm doing my very best! Has there ever been a single time you truly tried to see me for who I am? The moment anything goes wrong, it's my fault! No one else is ever at fault! Am I the only one who's ever wrong?!"
"Y-you, right now—"
"Have you ever once experienced what it means to be the child of the Hero?! Everything I do gets compared to the two of you! Whatever I accomplish, you berate me for falling short, mock me, tear me down! And then I come home, and it's your nagging waiting for me! Your venting! Father goes out and dotes on strangers! And the best thing you have to say when you finally grace me with your presence is that it all depends on my attitude! That I'm weak-minded, that's the problem! Work harder! Effort! That effort! Do you think I haven't been making it?! What exactly am I to the two of you?! A tool?! You'd never manage even your own sword this carelessly! When clothes get dirty, you wash them and dry them! When a sword breaks, you at least repair it! So am I worth less than a sword?! Less than a single tool?! Less than an article of clothing?! Is that what you're saying?!"
"Ca-Cariel? You… why, all of a sudden…."
"How long am I supposed to endure this?! You at least give a tool its basic maintenance! Am I worth less than the trees and plants scattered in that courtyard out there?! Why! Why was a single word of praise so difficult for you? Was it that much of a burden? Out there you play the Saintess so beautifully, all your mercy and grace on full display! You wear hardship like a badge and sprinkle kindness everywhere! So why is it, the moment you come home, you act like you're just dying to kill me! Dying to treat me like trash! Answer me, just once! Mother!"
Even after that, Cariel kept pouring it out, spitting forth the grievances that had piled up as though something inside him had finally detonated.
As if he weren't thinking of — or considering — the consequences at all.
"Fine then! Maybe I should just leave this house! If that's what you want, I'll throw away the name with it!"
"You—you! How! How dare you speak to me like—!"
"Shut up!"
Shattered by that torrent of words, Ermina could not find her voice for a long while.
And then, at last.
Perhaps because the surging emotions had finally begun to settle.
Cariel, who had been breathing hard in great heaves.
And toward Ermina, whose mouth only opened and closed soundlessly, her words cut off at the root.
He delivered his final verdict.
"Thank you for everything until now, Lady Ermina. As of today, I am leaving House Brendiar. I will abandon the faith, and I will change my name. Fortunately, I have past achievements to my credit, and the barony of Lutia along with them — so I'll make do with that and live well enough."
And so.
"From now on, let us never see each other's faces again. It seems I've been draining your emotions terribly all this while — I'll relieve you of that worry."
And with even the most basic courtesy abandoned, as Cariel turned his back and moved to leave the sitting room —
Ermina caught him.
"…What are you doing?"
"Why… would you say such things? All I wanted… was for you to become someone who wouldn't shame you in front of anyone. I only ever—"
"Are you still going to make excuses?"
There, Ermina squeezed her eyes shut.
At some point, tears had begun seeping from her two darkened eyes.
"You're right. Everything you said… is right. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. If we showed weakness, you would be the one to suffer for it. And if you showed weakness, the way you did to us, they would have torn you apart too. I only wanted you never to become their prey. But… somewhere along the way, the words born of that worry… turned into condemnation, into criticism. The nagging I meant for your sake… was never meant that way…."
"…."
Cariel could only watch the sight of her with cold eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'll never do this to you again. It was all my fault. So please… don't say you're not my son anymore… don't say you're leaving this house. Words that sad… I'll praise you now, too. I'll encourage you, and if anyone dares say a word against you, I'll stand at your side before anyone else and protect you, protect you…."
So please, please…
"Don't leave me. Of everything… please, don't say you're leaving us."
"…."
And yet.
Though he seemed to waver, if only a little, Cariel soon wrenched his hand free of hers.
"Cariel?!"
"…Whether that's really true, time will tell. My leaving this place is already decided. I'll depart the capital so as not to make a scandal of it — as for the rumors, do your best to smooth them over yourselves."
"Cariel! C-could you truly—?!"
"When I asked you to trust me before… did you ever trust me?"
I.
"I carried sins I never committed because of you, and I had to bow my head for crimes I never committed either. And when they drove me into a corner — when it all turned out to be nothing but misunderstanding, a malicious frame-up — what did you say to me then?"
"…."
"You said that since everyone had apologized, I should accept it graciously? When did they apologize? A cursory exchange of faces at the banquet hall, a vague brushing-over — and that is a heartfelt apology? That was an apology meant for you two, not for me. You were worried about how it would look to them, didn't want to hand them any excuse — so you just let it all be smoothed over."
"Cariel…."
"Things broke somewhere around then. I've been rotten for a long time — and only now, I've finally made up my mind."
To cut you down before my eyes.
"Don't call me Cariel. I'm changing the name. When that's done, call me by the right one. If word hasn't reached you by then, call me Baron Lutia."
"Cariel! Listen to your mother!"
"You listen to me for once! Baron Lutia! How many times must I say it!"
Cariel spat out the venom.
For a while after, he breathed roughly, as if forcing the emotion back down.
And then he left that place, for good.
"…."
Collapsed where she stood, she sat for a long while, unable to think of anything at all. Just… sitting there.
….
…….
In a lonely cabin deep in the mountains — far from any city, any village.
After long searching, Ermina was at last able to find Cariel again.
Despite his coldness, she kept showing her face at the cabin where he stayed, to the very end.
"Are you… eating?"
The door did not open.
"I-I thought I might at least clean for you."
This time too, the door did not open.
"Th-there wasn't much food here, and the place looked so bare, so I brought a few things…"
Once again, the door did not open.
Setting down the bundles she had carried, she begged him to at least keep them, even if only after she was gone — but the next day, there they still lay, untouched, exactly as she had left them.
She prayed without cease, and thought without cease.
Rueld had offered to come with her, but Ermina refused him flatly.
This was, in the end, her own sin.
The price of the sins she herself had piled up.
Even if she had never wanted such an outcome, such fruit had bloomed all the same.
Therefore, this was a price that only she could bear.
How much time passed that way?
A week. Two.
"I'm sorry. Your mother… failed to understand you, her only child, so terribly. I really… I'm so sorry. Truly, truly so sorry…."
The door opened.
"…."
A figure more withered than before.
In Cariel's eyes, and in Ermina's alike, the two of them had deteriorated to a state so grave that they felt like strangers to what they had once been.
"…Come in."
Had that single word of permission truly been so heavy?
Looking down at her, collapsed as though her knees had given out, yet still unable to bring herself to reach out her hand.
Seeing Cariel gazing at her with trembling eyes.
"…."
Ermina thanked God in her heart, and offered thanks again and again to Cariel for granting it —
but she could not bring a single word past her lips.
And so, all that flowed from her were tears.
The inside was cramped, but it was space enough for a person to live in.
He brought out something too humble to even be called tea, and she clutched the wooden cup with trembling hands, as though even that small warmth were more than she deserved.
"I will never treat you carelessly again. No more nagging, no more condemnation, no more slander…"
"Anyone overhearing that would get entirely the wrong idea."
"I-I'm sorry."
"Did I ever tell you not to point out what I've done wrong? I never said a single word about not holding my mistakes against me. Do you still… not understand what was actually wrong?"
"N-no, I understand! I've thought about it endlessly! It's just… the words… I don't quite… know how… to say them…."
"Someone as eloquent as you — how did it come to this?"
Cariel's expression was, truly, one of tangled anguish.
"I'm sorry… From now on, I'll respect you. Yes… that's what I was… missing all along."
"…."
It was not that she was forbidden to point out his blunders and hold them against him.
Nagging? She could do that.
Grant his every whim? Had Cariel himself ever once indulged in such selfishness?
"I'm a person too, you know. Even plants wither if you don't water them, don't turn them toward the sun… how long did you think I could hold out?"
"…I'm sorry."
"…."
And so the two of them stayed like that, silent, for a long while.
It was a long, long time — and yet, in that moment, Ermina felt something she truly treasured.
….
…….
Half a year of unexcused absence from the Academy.
Naturally, Cariel found himself not merely forgoing graduation, but repeating a full year.
His standing in the school had sunk lower than ever before, but —
"…I'm sorry."
"No, it's all right. Adapting must have been hard enough… and I know you're trying."
Ermina's attitude had changed beyond recognition compared to before.
"Lately I see you studying through the nights. You barely eat. You're still growing — you mustn't do that to yourself."
"…."
"Tell me when it gets hard. And if the Academy still doesn't suit you, you don't have to attend at all."
Cariel looked up at her, silent and unblinking.
And then —
as though some heavy burden he had long been carrying beneath had, at last, been lifted from his shoulders.
His face eased, and he spoke.
"Thank you."
"No. This is only what I should have done all along."
Resting her hand on his shoulder, Ermina smiled, quietly.
Yes.
This is what it should have been, all along.
…This is what it should have been.
Tears fell.
"Woman. You must have had a very pleasant dream."
"…."
When she opened her eyes, Ermina found herself in a space far too familiar to her own eyes.
And there, looking down at her — seated on a chair drawn up beside the bed —
was an elf girl with long silver hair.
Her two eyes, steeped in the green of deep forests, carried a troubled light.
"Geornia… my lady."
"Your husband's face was an absolute nightmare to look at. You'd only just given birth, and you needed your lying-in… so I thought I'd hold off on visiting until you'd settled a bit."
Not that I wasn't furious the whole while, mind you.
She asked with a wry smile.
"So? What did you dream about?"
"…."
Ermina could not answer.
For the moment she tried to recall it —
the tears simply came pouring out, without end.
Her memory of it was not exact.
But surely, at the very end, she had been standing shoulder to shoulder with that boy…
I don't know yet.
Everyone had worried for her and kept their silence, after all.
So she did not yet know how far things had unraveled. How badly everything had broken.
And yet, she had a premonition.
Perhaps.
Perhaps the scene she had seen in her dream —
was something like a dream that would never again be permitted to her.
Perhaps, without even realizing it, she had already understood this in her bones.
And perhaps that was exactly why.
Why the tears would not stop falling.