10. I Love You (2)
"We are family now. I swear it—whatever stands in your way, whatever seeks to harm you, from this moment on, I will deal with all of it myself."
"……"
"Even the false accusations smeared upon your name, I will strip them all away. Every preparation has already been made for him."
Simply.
"Doubtless, once things come to this, you will be seen as one who depends on me—just as I once feared. But if that alone does not trouble you… then I swear it, I shall live my days looking upon you and you alone."
"……"
Absurd.
Even on the day the engagement was announced, his expression had been so utterly indifferent.
Back then, I had been drowning in inferiority and obsession, shackled by resignation and paranoia, and everything looked crooked through those eyes.
To me, you had been like the sun itself. Its light burned so fiercely that I could not bear to look at you with my eyes open.
It was agony. Simply because you existed. Simply because I was measured against you. Simply because we were even compared. I truly could not breathe, as if my throat were being strangled.
But in the end, that was my own failing. My own ugliness. Even this I only came to understand after clawing my way out of that pit by myself.
And then, suddenly, a picture forms in my mind.
The image of him, forcing me to my feet when I was curled in on myself, hauling me forward by the hand.
Perhaps. Perhaps… if I had never consorted with the Demon King.
Would she truly have saved me, after all? Would I have… never been saved?
"……"
What a very sweet assumption.
It was far from kind. It was pitiful, even pathetic. And yet, in the end—
"One person is more than enough for me. So… so long as you do not suffer, I would gladly give Seras her chance as well."
"……What?"
"Do you not know? That child has loved you since you were both children."
"Since we were children?"
I knew Seras harbored feelings for me. But ever since childhood?
At that moment, a small child's shrill cry flickered across my ears.
"I'm going to be a hero!"
In a tiny courtyard, beneath a tree, a child raised a branch overhead like a sword—and with it, made that declaration.
"If I can be happy, then gladly. I do not wish to monopolize you and burden you with me alone. Should I find I cannot care for you by myself, I intend to make use of that child's strength as well."
Seras Esdina—
"Infinitely lesser than I am, lacking, wanting in every conceivable way. And yet, at the very least, the heart she holds toward you is a sincere one."
"……"
Isn't she singing her own praises a bit too much?
I wondered if this was really the moment for a hollow laugh to burst out of me. I felt flustered—and then, abruptly, it was simply too ridiculous for words. What on earth is this?
"So come home."
From this moment on, I—
"Until the day this body drops dead, I will protect you."
"……"
It was a strange feeling. Horrifying, and yet something like laughter welled up inside me. And because of that, it was all the sadder—so much so that I could find no words to explain it.
I was, at this very moment… terribly, terribly bewildered.
"That's not going to happen."
"Wherefore not? I would have you tell me, in words I can understand."
A faint flare of anger. From her—from that princess of preternatural composure.
"That would be far too cruel—to you, and to Seras both."
"…I am a man, so it is no matter. I can overlook that much. I am Elhermina Berk Enjul! My magnanimity does not run so shallow as that."
"……"
A girl who demands that I take a second lover besides herself. It felt like my mind was coming apart at the seams.
Nobles dividing their affections between a principal wife and concubines was common enough. Even royalty in foreign lands did it freely. But for the sake of His Majesty the Emperor, for the sake of my father—
I had never once entertained such a notion. Not even a speck of it.
"……"
From the very start, in fact—I had deliberately refused to entertain even the assumption that I might end up with anyone at all.
Right. Expect nothing. Trust no one. Dream of nothing.
Because it had been so painfully sweet, I had nearly forgotten that lesson all over again.
'To lean on her for everything. To hand everything over to her, and simply exist.'
Yes, that wouldn't be so terrible, would it?
If I asked her to let me live out my days inside the Imperial Capital without ever once looking my parents in the face, she would gladly grant it. No need to find work, no need to strive for anything. Even if I lived the rotted, festering life of a failure, a husk of a man—she would willingly indulge it.
Her confession and her declaration just now were premised on exactly that.
But. But. But…
As a man—could I possibly accept, with open arms, such an aimless, spineless existence?
"……"
Above all—I had made a pact with the Demon King.
For now, that being watched me with indulgence. But if the Demon King's mood soured. If the Demon King changed heart. If that being ever began to find the sight of me… tedious.
There was no telling how suddenly things might turn.
I relied on it. But I did not depend on it. I trusted it. But I did not believe blindly.
The realm in which I relied and trusted was this: the reality that the one watching over me would never—never—grow bored.
To a demon, to the Demon King himself, my stunted, warped life must look utterly delightful. And more than that—this whole tableau, where the child of Rueld, the one who struck down the Demon King, would defeat Rueld himself and hurl insult upon him face to face… seen through a third party's eyes, how delicious a spectacle it must be. What a story to savor.
Yes. We had made our deal. We had signed our contract.
In the end, the second bargain was her grave warning: do not grow complacent.
Besides—
"And what of Alesius?"
"He must pay his debt."
"…Weren't you siblings? Don't tell me you saw him as a rival."
"All within the Empire are bound as one family, one kinship."
And yet—what did that child do to the people who adored him, to the subjects and vassals who looked up to him, to you of all people?
"I will make him a righteous man."
Until he grows, until he matures.
"…Until he does, he will walk a long and bitter road, all beneath the gaze of my watchful eyes."
And this is something His Majesty himself has sanctioned.
"If you so wish it, it shall be so, Cariel."
"……"
Beyond imagination. Truly. My jaw hung open.
Come to think of it, my family was never a weak one. My father alone commanded power enough to match an entire nation and still have strength to spare. And my mother—in an Empire whose de facto state religion was the Church of Irenis, her standing required no discussion at all.
The reason I had been cowed and crushed beneath everyone's heel was simply that I had been that pathetic.
My own foolishness in refusing to lean on my parents' famed name. And the fact that my mother would fly into a furious rage the instant such a thing was even considered—she would never allow it.
Mother used to say it, over and over, as if carving that creed into my brain one stitch at a time.
We are not the privileged. We are granted power and rights only to serve.
So you too, Cariel—give yourself gladly to the world. For the world we have protected. For the world we must go on protecting, from this day forward. As Saint Cariel did of old.
That—only that—is the sole path by which we may win eternal life, everlasting redemption, and salvation.
So pray. Pray. Let us pray together.
Come to think of it—was there not a fiefdom on our route where Saint Cariel was said to have lived out the legend of his life? I should go and hear it someday.
But Cariel shook his head, plain and deliberate.
"Even so, no."
"…How many times must I ask before you give me your reason?"
Her voice sank. There was even anger in it now.
She had prepared this much. She had covered every possibility. She had pleaded with such desperate sincerity. Why won't you—!
"Because spilled water can't be gathered up again."
At those words, the expression froze solid on Elhermina's face.
Either way, it was too late now.
Yes, El. If only you had confessed your true feelings just a little sooner. If only you had coaxed me along, step by step—even if I hissed and snapped like a frightened cat, if only you had kept soothing me, and soothing me again, all the way to the end—
Then maybe I, too, might have…
"……"
I looked up into the empty air. She was there. The Demon King of Wisdom. The golden sovereign, watching.
With eyes that said, how very entertaining.
I see. So you foresaw even this from the very beginning, didn't you.
But there had been no other way back then. Truly, there had been no other way.
"I…"
And yet, even setting all of that aside—my desire to break my father had not changed. Not by a single hair.
'Please look at me. Please praise me. Please be a little kinder to me. I… please…'
……
I'm your only son, aren't I?
"……"
Not anymore. Not anymore, though.
Yes. So in the end, this is where I've arrived.
Ah. Aah. Yes. I see it now. That's how it was.
Only now do I understand why every single moment ached hollow in my chest, why it throbbed like an open wound. Why no matter how much I stuffed inside, no matter how much I devoured, the hunger inside me was never filled—that gnawing emptiness had been rotting my heart, my soul, all along.
What had I hoped for? What had I longed for?
Perhaps I had only wanted… to be loved, like any other child.
I don't want to admit it. I didn't. And yet, in the end, here I am.
Growing strong—unneeded. Being acknowledged by others—unneeded. Even receiving a single word of praise from anyone—unneeded, all of it.
I had simply wanted to be loved by you two more than anything else in this world. Even if the whole world cast me aside—surely you two, at the very least…
…But that was it, wasn't it. The bond between me and them had already ended—ended on that day, five years ago.
The moment you trampled my expectations. The moment you refused to believe my words. The moment you betrayed me. The moment you turned on me. The moment you disappointed me. The moment you cursed me. The moment you killed me.
Every moment—every moment—every single moment!
I—
Ever since then, I had wanted to die.
"…Haha."
So now there was nothing left to expect. No praise, no recognition, no love.
My broken heart. My ruined, crumpled, shattered-scattered heart. My wretched, threadbare pride could not possibly swallow it—could not accept it with any grace.
Because I am… broken, even now.
Even if that day came. Even if he and she truly knelt before me and apologized, saying it was not too late, even if they wept and swore they would do better—
I could no longer accept any of it…
'What was spilled was never water.'
It was the shards of my soul.
And now there is nothing left of me… nothing remaining at all.
"You would truly leave, even after hearing the depths of my heart?"
"Yes. I'm sorry. But it can't be helped."
It frightened me now. The prospect of facing them again—of standing before them one more time.
That one truth had become more terrifying than anything else in the world.
"Enough! I will hear no more! If you will not speak, then I can only cut this conversation short! And so I—! I will not simply let you go!"
As if a long-contained fury had finally ruptured. Like a wounded beast.
The emotion she had crushed down, the anguish she had swallowed—all of it tore free at once, and she growled the words out low and rough.
"If you do not give me a reason that I, that I myself, can accept—"
I will never—
"…I will not cast you out into this peril-riddled world. I will not hold you up for display, nor send you away. Regret is! Once is quite enough!"
It must never happen again.
"Did you imagine you could so easily trample this heart of mine—this resolve to seize you and hold on, even at the cost of abandoning everything I've endured?!! You will not! If I cannot hold you back here—the you who is straying from the path, here! Here! If some terrible tragedy unfolds after this, if something happens to you—then I! I cannot bear it! I could not endure it!"
So—
So, then.
If, by some chance. If, by any chance—
If, beyond all doubt… beyond all doubt…
You must leave this place—
"Then present me with grounds that even I cannot refuse."
Cariel.
"Cariel Brendiar."