Their Past
I prayed that our relationship could continue to be maintained at least to this extent.
After finishing the shower, nothing much happened that I could call doing something. I had thought that after cleaning up, I would do something today, but unexpectedly, after a few kisses, Heejin fell asleep.
Waking up from sleep today, I rubbed my sleepy eyes and got up to eat breakfast.
And I faced a woman.
“Kyaaah! What is this?”
The woman sitting quietly, staring at me silently, gave me goosebumps all over my body. A being who hadn't even thought for a moment appeared suddenly in front of me, freezing my entire body.
No one woke me today, and I slept well. The reason was right in front of me.
“W-what are you doing here? Or, can you even come in here in the first place?”
The woman who didn't want to be friendly even in words. Her eyes that looked like they had died black, and basically, we didn't match in personality. Oil and fire. We were beings that couldn't mix.
But since it was a chance to get info about this place, I couldn't let her go.
“I’ll cooperate sincerely, so can you answer a few of my questions?”
I didn't think she would respond so readily. She responded indifferently. Maybe because she trusted Heejin to some extent.
“Do you know since when I've been locked up here? I want to know the exact time. As you know, there's nothing here...”
“Um…..”
She pondered for a moment as if flipping through memories.
“I haven't worked here long, so I don't know the exact date, but the doctor who handed over to me left records about the young lady.”
“H-handover records? What is that?”
It was important info. I felt good, thinking I caught it. Before hearing the doctor's words.
“Suicide hopeful.”
“....Eh?”
“Why are you pretending not to know? The young lady is called a suicide hopeful here. It's all in the records. There are so many shocking major events that I remember some things.”
“W-what is that?”
She looked at me strangely, but she told me about my records honestly.
Attempts to drown in the bathtub, eating soap, sharpening chopsticks to stab arteries, etc.
Just hearing the suicide acts gave me chills. Why there was nothing in the house now made sense.
“I did those things?”
“It seems you don't remember anything at all. I understand. Dissociative amnesia is common when you receive a big shock. It's called dissociative identity disorder.”
I was getting closer to the secret of this body, but I couldn't close my mouth at the shock.
It would have been better if my assumption was wrong. If my assumption was correct, the owner of this body must have died. Suicide succeeded, but I don't know why, but I came into this body.
“Don’t try to recall the memories. It won’t be beneficial at all. And I am here because of the President’s order, but personally, I have something I want to say to the young lady.”
“What is it…?”
“I just hope that the young lady loves the President. It's also a personal request, but I don't want the young lady to suffer anymore.”
“Why me…? You and I have no connection at all.”
“... I have a daughter too. If she were alive, she would be exactly your age.”
“...........”
Why do all these people have sad stories?
“Are you curious why they have sad stories?”
“Y-yes?”
The question seemed to read my mind. Did I accidentally say something out loud? No, I hadn't.
“My daughter hasn't died yet. But she's not alive either. She has an incurable disease that modern medicine can't even identify the cause. She's frozen in a hospital in the US right now. They're called cryogenics. Because of that, I come here to pay astronomical costs every month for her preservation.”
“.........”
“Most people working here have the same reason as me. They don't care if they die, but most are people who need to protect something more precious than themselves. The President is the one who makes them swing.”
The doctor's gaze was on me. Her eyes that looked dead black didn't please me, and I felt deep regret in her gaze.
“If there's anything I want to say last, I want to tell you not to trust anyone. This place is full of people who sold their souls to the devil to protect precious people. The reason the doctor who handed over to me left here was because the precious thing became unreachable.”
“Wait a minute. Then what is precious to Heejin!”
I grabbed the doctor's arm as she stood up as if that's all she had to say, and asked. I knew the answer to my question, but I had a gut feeling that I had to ask this question now.
“The President is also busy working here to protect something precious. For herself. If the President loses something precious, most people including me will lose something precious. And going back to the first question, I estimate that the young lady hasn't been locked up here for about 2 years.”
With that, the doctor left the house. After the doctor left, I still blankly recalled the conversation with her.
It was more appropriate to say that it didn't leave my mind rather than recalling it.
“... precious thing.”
I had never seen it. The doctor who seemed to have no emotions looked so sad.
My chest was suffocating. My stomach churned like I was going to vomit. It might be excessive delusion, but I couldn't shake the thought that all of this was her strategy to confine me.
If I succeed in escaping, the bodyguard can't pay for his sister's hospital bills.
If I succeed in escaping, the doctor loses her daughter.
All of this becomes shackles sticking to me.
If I knew it would be like this, rather than...
“... I wouldn't have given my heart to anyone…”
What am I going to become now? Will I have to live locked up like this for the rest of my life.
Waiting only for the moving Heejin in this barren place without a clock or mirror, is that how I have to live?
“I don't want to! Why me! Why do I have to live like this!”
Emotions are in turmoil. I don't seem like the emotional type, but my heart felt like it was on fire, already barren. I can't control myself either.
Whether my legs are broken or not, I walk to the door and knock.
“Miss? What on earth is going on…”
“Open the door! Why do I have to live like this! What does my sister have to do with you! Open the door right now!”
I want to go out. I want to stare at the blue sky until my throat hurts. I want to smell the smell of noisy people, dating couples, students going home.
“Miss, calm down…”
“Kyaaaaaaaak! Let me out!”
Emotions are in turmoil. This sense of alienation that doesn't seem like my emotions, is it not the original owner's of this body?
Tears come out of my eyes, and I feel like I'm going crazy from injustice.
Powerlessness that I can't do anything.
I thought I knew why she was self-harming.
I can't do anything, but I'm angry, but since there's no place to vent, am I tormenting myself?
When extreme thoughts were about to dominate me, the bodyguard's words brushed past my ears.
“Ye, I'll open it. I'll open it!”
Of course, she wouldn't really open it. It was clearly to calm me down.
It would be so.
Click—
Why is the door really opening? Why is she giving me hope to leave.
You have a younger sister, so you have to pay hospital bills. What happens to your sister if you get fired from this job…
“Ugh… Sorry. Please don't open it…”
I grabbed the door handle of the opening door and barely closed the door.
I felt that the new guard's heart was warm, that she was a kind person, just from the previous conversation.
When I realized that such a person could become unhappy because of me, I couldn't go out anymore.
I was an altruistic person.
I wanted to live somehow, but I didn't want to be happy by taking away someone else's happiness. I didn't have the courage to turn someone else's misfortune into my happiness. My happiness had to be made by me alone.