Seohyun, Breaking Little by Little
But I said something anyway. I wanted to live. My body couldn't take any more. I could feel it coming apart, piece by piece.
"...Have you reflected on what you've done?"
"Y-yes... I-I've... reflected a looot..."
I barely even knew what I was saying. The words just spilled out as my consciousness drifted. She still hadn't fully released my throat — she was squeezing just enough that I had to wring every last ounce of strength from my body simply to breathe, and my mind had gone foggy. I wondered if this was what it felt like to swallow a truth serum in a movie. I didn't have the presence of mind to lie. Every word coming out of my mouth was the truth.
"...If something like this happens again, what should Unnie do?"
"Nngh... I-I don't know..."
"...Was the question too hard? Honestly, you're such an idiot..."
The hand around my throat tightened. I no longer had the strength to struggle. I went limp and accepted her grip. A warmth spread through my lower body.
"...You're wetting yourself again. Even the dog I used to keep could hold it in. Right now, Unnie, you're worse than a dog. Well... I'll still love you. My precious Unnie. So..."
Her grip intensified. My body convulsed as if going into shock under the murderous pressure of her hands. Even then, she didn't ease up.
She pressed her lips to my ear and whispered.
That was the last thing I remembered.
...My neck hurt. A lot. There didn't seem to be a single spot, inside or out, that wasn't wrecked. My throat had swollen to twice its size, thick as a turtle's. It hurt so badly I found myself wishing I could just cut the whole thing off.
But if there was something that made me sigh even more deeply than that, it was, of course...
"...You're awake, Unnie?"
Her presence, making itself known today without fail.
"Uh... y-yeah. I'm... awake..."
I hadn't given the slightest indication that I'd woken up. How did she know? She'd been facing away from me, even.
At the very least, I didn't want to face her right now. I was afraid, and it was awkward. So I'd wanted to at least pretend to still be asleep — but my body dutifully answered her question. Refusal wasn't even an option. My body had already been half-remade to suit her.
"Did you sleep well, Unnie?"
"Yeah... I-I slept well..."
"I barely slept at all last night because of you, but it looks like Unnie slept just fine?"
"N-no! I-I actually couldn't sleep!"
"Hehe. I'm kidding, Unnie. I slept well last night too."
"......Yeah..."
I wished she'd hold back on the jokes. There's a saying about a frog getting killed by a stone a person throws in jest. That was exactly the shape I was in. And in this scenario, I was obviously the frog.
Even knowing she was joking, I couldn't take it as a joke. If she tossed a coin at me, I'd die from the impact just the same.
When I answered, she turned toward me. She seemed worried about my condition, too — her face was quite gaunt — which I found nothing short of absurd. How does the one who did the hitting look more haggard than the one who got hit?
"...It's really swollen... Did it hurt a lot yesterday?"
With a concerned look, she reached for my neck.
"....Nngh... hh..."
It didn't feel like she was choking me the way she had yesterday, but my body had already been thoroughly branded with yesterday's pain. Given how horrific that time had been, of course the trauma lingered.
Ssshh...
Separate from my body locking up with tension, a warmth spread through my lower half. I wondered why, of all things, my bladder was the one place that refused to clench when every other part of me went rigid.
She stroked my swollen throat, intending to comfort me, but all I felt was fear. The dread that those hands might close around my neck at any moment. If she wanted to comfort me, she needed to get away from me — a fact she didn't understand. She probably never would, not until the day she died.
"...It's okay, Unnie. Something like this won't happen again."
A lie. Even if she was trying to soothe me, this was too ridiculous a lie. Wasn't she a person made entirely of obsession and jealousy? If things went south, she was the type to do something even worse than this.
"...As long as Unnie doesn't do anything bad, there won't be any more pain. I don't want to hurt you either, you know."
"....Yeah..."
Then why didn't you say that from the beginning...
In the end, she dumped the responsibility on me. It was a thoroughly draining thing to hear. The "bad things" she wanted me not to do weren't things I could control. I'd been living with the resolution never to cross her, and look where that had gotten me.
My body and mind had broken to the point that just looking at her hands made me wet myself.
She let out a deep sigh and started applying ointment to the wounds on my neck, and I couldn't relax until her hands left my throat. I was so tense I thought my body might petrify into stone.
"...Unnie."
"...Yeah."
After carefully working in every last bit of ointment, she pressed a brief kiss to my forehead, then took hold of my waist and sat me up.
"Get up, Unnie. It's time to go to the Church."
"...The... Church...?"
A week had already passed since I'd started living with her, but nothing she'd said had been more absurd than this.
"...You're going to church...?"
"Yes. Why?"
Heejin looked at me as if to ask what the problem was. I had to clamp my itching mouth shut. If I opened it now, nothing kind was going to come out.
I wasn't a person of faith myself, but thanks to my parents I'd been forced into a life of cradle-to-grave Christianity, so I knew better than anyone what kind of institution a church was.
...This girl, who wouldn't look out of place nailed to a cross as a heretic, goes to church...?
"Do you even know what the Ten Commandments are...?"
"Unnie. I'll have you know I was born into the faith."
Oh, a cradle Christian, even? What a coincidence — so was I. We finally found something in common.
As if telling me not to look down on her, she playfully pinched my nipple. A jolt that sent a shudder down my spine hit me, and in the same instant her mouth opened and she began reciting the Ten Commandments in a fluent stream.
First. Thou shalt have no other lover besides thy husband.
Second. Thou shalt serve the holiness of thy husband.
Third. Thou shalt not take the name of thy husband in vain.
Fourth. Remember the holy days of thy husband, and keep them sacred.
Fifth. Honor thy husband.
Sixth. Thou shalt not lie.
Seventh. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Eighth. Thou shalt not doubt thy husband.
Ninth. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy husband.
Tenth. Thou shalt not covet thy husband's possessions.
"How about that?"
She asked me, wearing an unnecessarily holy expression.
"...That's... impressive..."
"Hehe. Right? These days, most people who call themselves cradle Christians don't even know the Ten Commandments. It's pathetic, honestly."
She seemed quite pleased, taking my "impressive" as a compliment.
I'd said it was impressive because, of the Ten Commandments, the only one she hadn't gotten wrong was the seventh — thou shalt not commit adultery. And even that one she'd probably just lucked into...
This isn't Christianity. This is just a cult...
She scooped me up in her arms and headed for the dressing room with a spring in her step.
"Today is a holy day, so you need to dress properly, Unnie."
The clothes she pulled out were a black suit. After wearing nothing but see-through negligees that even a whore wouldn't put on, seeing actual human clothing for the first time made me want to cry. I finally felt like I was being treated like a person. I thought I understood why, of the three necessities — clothing, food, and shelter — clothing comes first.
"...Yeah. I'll wear it."
I raised both arms, and she began dressing me. A bra that held my chest, a dress shirt tailored perfectly to my figure, and to finish it off, a handsome black suit.
I didn't even need a mirror to know I looked stunning. Her thoroughly enchanted reaction confirmed I was right.
"...Unnie, you're so beautiful..."
But in contrast to the magnificent outfit...
...It itched.
Now that I actually had the suit on, it didn't feel good at all. It was uncomfortable. It was agony. I wanted to tear it off.
Now that I was wearing it... why did every inch of skin the fabric touched itch? Why was my chest so tight? Why was my stomach turning? I was so stifled I thought I'd lose my mind. The collar, meant to hide my wounds, felt like it was going to close around my throat. I was terrified.
Take it off. Let me take it off.
Ssshh...
My lower body grew warmly wet. This habit of wetting myself whenever I felt fear might be beyond fixing now.
"Haa... Unnie..."
"H-Heejin... can't I just take this off?"
I cut in as she sighed and pressed a hand to her forehead. That's how badly I wanted the clothes off. They were tightening around me like they were going to kill me.
"...Can you?"
She asked me in return. Can you.