Chapter 35
Chapter 35
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 35
Chapter Title: Taxpayer II
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Shin Noah
4
"Ah! It's the Undertaker! I've heard your name everywhere. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you right away."
Once we exchanged names, Lee Joo-ho's wariness melted away like spring sunlight.
This is why people need to do good deeds and build a reputation in advance. Even strangers give you a +20% affinity buff automatically. Why wouldn't anyone accumulate prestige?
"Oh, come on, no need to apologize. It's all just empty praise. I'm grateful you say that."
"Ahaha. Our guild is so small that we were barely third-string in the Ten Tribes subjugation. I only caught a glimpse of you from afar. Ah, if it wouldn't be rude, could you maybe give me an autograph...?"
"Oh dear. I'm no celebrity, so this is embarrassing."
Even as he said that, he obediently pulled a brush pen from his pocket and popped the cap open.
Undertaker. He scrawled the three characters in elegant running script.
It was handwriting infused with the karma of a regressor's life. I could feel Lee Joo-ho's eyes widen the moment he saw it.
"Wow... your calligraphy is incredible."
"Thank you. I practiced calligraphy to death just for reactions like that."
"Pardon? Ah, ahaha."
A seasoned regressor masters icebreakers tailored to people's types and personalities.
Truth be told, if I put my mind to it, there weren't many people on the Korean Peninsula I couldn't befriend (No Do-ha, who views the world with distrust, hatred, malice, and contempt, was a notable exception, of course).
In less than five minutes, Lee Joo-ho and I had built rapport.
"Ah, so... you saw my post on SG Net and came up here on purpose, Senior?"
"That's right."
"Wow, this is so embarrassing..."
Sure enough, the 'Anonymous' member who posted the verification was Lee Joo-ho.
Back in the 50th regression, when Sim A-ryeon humiliated his father, Lee Joo-ho had used the nickname 'JoinedToday' on SG Net.
His first post back then had said this:
-I usually lurked anonymously, but joined just to post this.
Meaning, in regressions where Sim A-ryeon hadn't humiliated his father, Lee Joo-ho continued lurking as 'Anonymous.'
"What's there to be embarrassed about? You're heading out to uncover the identity of the first anomaly sighting. If it's alright, I'd like to assist you, Lee Joo-ho."
"No! Of course it's alright! With your help, Senior Undertaker, it'd be like having a heavenly army of a million!"
Our friendly atmosphere lasted exactly until we reached the uphill road where the Pocheon Tax Office building loomed tall.
"Hmm."
"Uh..."
The dubious 'hmm' came from me, and the startled 'uh' from Lee Joo-ho.
Let me say it again. The tax office building stood tall.
Yes, pristine as if the apocalypse had never happened.
[Thank you for your honest tax payments - Pocheon Tax Office]
[May is Comprehensive Income Tax Declaration Month. Declaration and Payment Period: May 1st to May 31st]
[Honest Tax Payments, Fair Taxation! Building Our Tax Future Together]
The surrounding buildings were little more than ruins. But the tax office? Its gray exterior was spotless, with spotless banners fluttering top to bottom.
"Lee Joo-ho, was that building always intact?"
"Pardon? No, not at all. There was a massive fire here recently. All the buildings collapsed back then."
Lee Joo-ho looked up at the building uneasily.
"Ha. It definitely did, but..."
"Then the building itself is a Void."
Perception alteration forcing environmental changes. A fairly high-level Void.
Maybe because of last night's rain. The moisture-laden surface glistened slickly like insect chitin.
And that's when it happened.
"Ughaaaaaagh!"
Someone tumbled out of the building.
We reflexively drew our weapons, but the other party seemed in no state to notice our armed status.
"My leg! Aaaagh! My leg! S-save me!"
Because he was missing his entire right leg.
The man flopped down at the entrance, blood spraying everywhere.
Lee Joo-ho furrowed his brow.
"Park Sang-hyun?"
"You know him?"
"Y-yeah, sort of... He's not an Awakener, but he prowls around this area like a thug, bullying the neighborhood elders. No need for you to remember him, Senior Undertaker."
Lee Joo-ho's tone reeked of 'I can't stand guys like him.'
"That kind of guy managed to survive, huh."
"He's the son of our late former vice guild leader. So our guild couldn't exactly treat him like a total nobody..."
Family connections.
"L-Lee Joo-ho! Joo-ho!"
Spotting us, he frantically waved his hand. Hm. Shanks lost an arm, so this guy's a lower-body Shanks.
"Save me!"
"Sigh. What happened?"
"S-suddenly a building appeared, so I went in... This place is insane! Ugh, no, just save me first! My head's spinning so much..."
Clang-
An eerie noise leaked from the building entrance. The man called Park Sang-hyun flinched, his whole body freezing.
"I-it's coming! Hey! Hurry! Save me quick!"
The sound was metallic. Onomatopoeically, like 'clang-clang' or 'clack-clack.'
From deep inside the tax office, beyond the entrance maw, came the clang. And it was drawing closer.
"What are you doing? I said save me! Hey! Lee Joo-ho! If you let me die, Uncle Dong-uk won't let you off!"
I glanced at Lee Joo-ho.
"No need to save him, right?"
"...He was a troublemaker even within the guild. If an anomaly eats him, it won't tarnish our reputation."
Finally, the clang-clang reached right behind Park Sang-hyun. He screamed, crawling desperately on his belly.
But he didn't get far before something grabbed his ankle with a snap.
"Aaaaaaagh! No! Don't! Save me! Aaaah, aa-."
Park Sang-hyun's body was yanked straight into the building's maw. In an instant.
Screams echoed down the hallway for a while, but they didn't last long. About a minute passed. Silence fell.
"Still planning to go in there?"
"Hmm..."
Lee Joo-ho's brow furrowed deeply.
But he didn't need to agonize long.
After the screams stopped, someone walked out of the tax office directly.
-Hello. Here to file taxes?
"..."
"..."
There were several reasons we didn't answer immediately.
First, no one expected a normal entity to emerge from an obviously anomalous building.
Second, the vaguely human-like figure wore a neat suit like a reception clerk, but was somehow violating grooming regulations completely.
Not just unkempt—it had disheveled hair cascading front and back down to its hips, covering not just the face but the entire upper body. A gurgling voice leaked from between the strands.
My inner Confucian hardliner from the Land of Propriety screamed 'cut it!' at the idea of calling that a personal style choice.
Worse, it kept shaking its head side to side, making the massive mane swing like a seesaw.
Third, and most importantly... this 'something resembling a civil servant' held a 30cm pair of scissors in its right hand.
Clang-clang-clang-
That was the source of the eerie noise. Blood and gore splattered with every snip of the blades.
A truly shocking visual.
Even if this 'civil servant's' hobby was gardening, bringing scissors to work wouldn't fly under civil service rules. 'National Civil Servants Duty Regulations' Article 8-2 (Attire and Accessories) states: '① Civil servants must wear neat attire that maintains their dignity during duty.'
-Taxes.
The civil servant tilted its head. Whoosh. An unbearable gasoline stench wafted with every shift of the hair.
-Here to file?
"Uh, uh..."
"Yes."
I stepped forward for the flustered Lee Joo-ho.
"I got a text about comprehensive income tax guidance. It said to come to Pocheon Tax Office, so here I am. Is this the right place?"
-Yes. It is.
Snap. The civil servant's head jerked toward me.
-It's declaration month. Could you show your resident registration card for identity verification, taxpayer?
What to do.
Drawing my sword and decapitating the anomaly would be easier than snapping a Ten Tribes' neck. But 'Anomaly Response Manual: Punch First' only works for Awakener heavyweights like me.
Even I couldn't counter every anomaly single-handedly.
A 'strategy' only gains meaning if anyone—even far weaker Awakener—can reference it. Especially for nationwide anomalies like this 'Comprehensive Income Tax' one.
"Joo-ho, looks like we should play along here."
"...Ah. Yes. Here."
Lee Joo-ho pulled his resident card from a worn-out Hermes leather wallet. He didn't seem the luxury type, so probably a family heirloom.
-Thank you. I'll verify the resident card.
The civil servant took it and slipped it into its hair curtain.
Crunch-crunch—from beyond the closed strands came a scraping noise. Like gnawing with front teeth.
"...Hey, my resident card..."
-Verified. Age 26. Lee Joo-ho. Pocheon resident. Very low income. Total tax due today: body tax, slave tax, all combined—100 grams.
"Pardon? 100 grams?"
Ah.
So that's the type of anomaly.
-We can handle the tax payment for you. Shall we, Lee Joo-ho?
"Wha— I don't get it, but..."
"Wait. Hold on."
I grabbed Lee Joo-ho's shoulder.
"Yes?"
"Never nod along when anomalies propose deals. See what happened to that Park Sang-hyun guy?"
"Pardon? Ah, yes."
"That was probably tax collection."
"......?"
"Your tax came out to 100 grams, right? What if it was 50 kilograms?"
"......!"
Lee Joo-ho's eyes widened.
"Th-then? Me too?"
"Yes. This 'Comprehensive Income Tax anomaly' probably means paying with part of your body. Even 100 grams makes a huge difference depending on the part. What if it takes an eyeball?"
"Gasp..."
"I'm an anomaly expert, believe it or not. Leave this to me."
I pulled out a plastic bag and gathered aura on my finger.
"First off... Joo-ho, you're not picky about your hair, right?"
"...Pardon?"
A moment later.
Lee Joo-ho's already short hair had evolved into a full bald dome. The white plastic bag held a pathetic black clump.
Lee Joo-ho despaired.
"Aaaaaaah..."
"Hm. Short about 100 grams. Here, pee in this real quick."
"...Senior Undertaker, you're that kind of person, huh."
Why? What? Shame has no use against anomalies.
Anyway, Lee Joo-ho poured his soul into filling the 100-gram bag.
The civil servant received it from him.
-Tax payment verified.
"......"
-Please continue participating in honest tax payments. Thank you.
The civil servant bowed and returned to the tax office.
Lee Joo-ho stared at me. Face screaming, 'It actually worked?'
I smiled warmly.
'I was ready to chop off unused fingers if piss or spit didn't work...'
Well, it did. Happy ending.
5
Epilogue.
-Anonymous: This Comprehensive Income Tax anomaly is a total joke lololol
Back in Seoul, Lee Joo-ho had already serialized a sequel to his verification post on SG Net.
-Anonymous: Declare comprehensive income tax and a ghost with insane long hair pops out demanding your resident card. Hand it over and it'll calculate your tax. Wonder what happens if you lose yours...
-Anonymous: Got 100g, shaved my head bald and peed in a plastic bag right there. The dumb ghost happily took it and left lololol
-Anonymous: My take: Don't ignore the income tax alert texts. Run to your local tax office NOW and ask your tax amount. If it's ~100g like mine, pay on the spot. If it's like 50kg, hoard piss in a big trash can till May 31. Easy way past the anomaly...
-Anonymous: Anyway don't freak out, pay your taxes honestly lol
"Hm."
As requested, the post neatly detailed the strategy to defeat the 'Comprehensive Income Tax anomaly.'
Other members were floored.
-Anonymous: You survived this intact...?
After that, verification posts flooded SG Net from people paying taxes at their local offices.
-Goryeo Jang: 300kg tax wtfㄷㄷㄷ Anyone higher than me?
-Literary Girl: 10kg is SG Net average?
-Anonymous: Fuck, 500kg tax, what do I do?
-[Satisfaction] Cooking Queen: Got a tax refund this time. Civil servant gave me a gift box. What's inside?
Dubbed the Tax Challenge, a petty competition arose over who got the heaviest tax.
A rare case where the anomaly became a plaything.
We never figured out its tax criteria, and paying taxes to anomalies instead of the human government was pretty ridiculous...
'Just the flow of the times.'
Feeling lighter myself, I headed to the tax office.
Seoul's massive Void had wiped out everything south of the Han River. But every May, tax offices appeared like magic, only to vanish come June.
Amazed by their determination to extract blood taxes, I visited Banpo Tax Office. Out came an identical wild-haired scissor ghost.
-Hello. Resident card for identity verification, taxpayer?
"Yes, here."
-Thank you. Verifying... Age twen...
It froze.
Taking my resident card to gnaw with its teeth, the anomaly suddenly halted.
Then its whole body shuddered.
"......?"
-Twen, ten, twen-six, twen-seven, eight, nine, six-teen, twen-four, ten-thou-sand, hun-dred, two-hun-dred, thir-teen, se-ven-se-ven-se-ven-se-ven, se-ven-se-ven, four-hun-dred, five-hun-dred twen-ty-se-ven.
Splat!
The anomaly's body ballooned rapidly, spraying black fluids everywhere before bursting like a balloon.
"......"
I picked up my resident card from the ground and pocketed it.
Straightening up, the Banpo Tax Office had vanished like a mirage. Just me in an empty field.
"Hm."
...Seemed like the day the Undertaker paid taxes was nowhere in sight.
- Taxpayer. End.