All Sorts of Reasons to Cry
When Maru starts crying, the first thing you have to do is wait it out. If someone like me—someone who registers as a big fat capital-T Thinker on everyone else’s personality charts—tries to say anything, the reply will almost certainly be “What, are you a T-type?” Maru herself has never actually said that to me, but there was one time I kept gently asking what was wrong and nearly got an earful of genuine anger, so I’ve learned to be careful.
Hic… Hic… Hik… Sob……….
She wailed at full volume for a long time, finally calming down about fifteen minutes later. Then she said:
“I’m sorry!!”
…She’s apologizing? After crying that much?
Back when the first-generation members had just joined, the team leader told me Maru was one of the hardest people to provide mental care for. I’d looked puzzled. Maru? I’d never once seen her cry on stream. In fact, during broadcasts she was famously rock-solid; she handled the chaotic gremlins in her chat just as well as Komari did. So hearing that she cried easily and needed a lot of emotional support felt strange from the perspective of someone who only knew her from streams.
That changed half a year ago, the day I visited her house to help out. That was when I finally understood.
“Uwaaaaaah!! What do I do? What do I dooo!! Hwaaaaaah!!”
A single spilled glass of water had killed her streaming PC. She was so devastated about ruining an entire day of broadcasting that I thought someone had actually died. But when I told her to wait an hour and that the company would bring a temporary machine, she instantly stopped crying.
“…I’ll wait. Thank you!!”
She switched back to calm mode and started preparing for her stream again. Classic iron shell, marshmallow core. It matched her hedgehog beastkin concept so perfectly it was almost comical. Of course, having too many spikes would look odd, so she kept the sharpness in her collar, epaulets, and accessories instead. The overall silhouette ended up closer to a mouse beastkin.
She’s the type who pays attention to others, takes care of them, looks after them, and has a genuinely soft heart. On the outside, though, she’s loud, opinionated, and never backs down in an argument—so the hedgehog label is still accurate. During collabs, if she gives someone a gift and they don’t react much, she’ll worry that they didn’t like it. Even when rough language slips out during the natural WWE segments that happen in group streams, she always apologizes privately afterward or checks in later.
In my own case, after any group stream I always look up the clips and videos of the other participants. Among them, it’s actually harder to find people who haven’t received a private apology from Maru.
So when the Great Maru City Flood suddenly began, I hurried over to the chicken place where we’d agreed to meet, retracing my steps to see if I’d done anything wrong. I had used her voice without asking first, after all. I figured she might have been hurt by it. I usually make a point of never stepping on the members’ personal territory, but I’d broken that rule today, and the guilt was heavier than I expected.
…However, today’s Maru update seemed to be stuck on “sorry.”
“I’m sorry…”
Looking at her hunched shoulders and miserable expression, you’d think she was the one who had smashed my computer, not the other way around.
“Um, Maru. I think I’m the one who should be apologizing.”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”
Sorry for what, exactly?
“Earlier… when you asked for my help, Jia. Instead of helping, I tried to cling to you. I’m sorry.”
The words left me stunned for a second. It took me a moment to recover. We had played eight rounds of I’m a Wolf. She had only clung to me in one of them. And even then, it was just something I’d tossed out casually to use her for a moment. It wouldn’t have mattered to me whether she helped or not.
Yet she had cried because she broke that promise?
It really wasn’t something to feel that sorry about.
“It was just psychological warfare during the game. You don’t have to worry about something like that.”
“I know, but… the more I think about it, the sorrier I feel…”
“There’s no need to be sorry. I was watching your chat the whole time. Because you jumped on me like that, the reactions were amazing. Everyone was losing it laughing.”
“Really…?”
I silently thanked the team leader for the tip he’d given me. If you want to stop Maru’s endless apologies, talk about the stream—especially numbers and performance. She’s an onion of compliments; one layer of praise and she peels right open. I hadn’t known that half a year ago and suffered for it. Not this time.
Fortunately, the chicken we’d ordered arrived at the perfect moment. Maybe because I’d already given her one flight of praise, Maru smiled brightly and stabbed a piece of boneless chicken with her fork.
“By the way. I am upset about one thing.”
“Upset?”
“Yes! You left the second the collab ended!”
This was a new angle.
“Ah.”
“You left me sitting right next to you… well, not literally sitting next to you, but still. I wanted to chat with you a little, but you just disappeared. It made me feel so empty… I tried to call you on TalkCord, but you were talking with Ronze for so long I couldn’t find a gap… After the stream I kept chatting with the viewers and waiting, but then you suddenly logged off TalkCord too……”
The strange feeling of having done nothing wrong yet somehow feeling like I had. Maru’s conversational style possessed a peculiar power. She spoke so casually, yet it somehow made the other person feel guilty. Look at me right now—after only a few sentences my conscience was already aching. Maybe it was because I was already aware that using her voice without permission had been worse.
Running away right after probably left a bad taste in her mouth. I could admit that much. Still, if I said I was more sorry or that I should apologize more, her infinite apology loop would begin again. The correct move here was to say we were both at fault and call it even. Offering to buy dinner was also forbidden. It hurt my heart to act like I was squeezing money out of the kids, but we had to go Dutch.
“Since we both have things to apologize for, let’s eat this chicken and call it settled.”
Thankfully Maru broke into a wide smile.
“Okay!”
Her mood really switched fast. Well, that was probably how her rock-solid streaming persona and her usual softness could coexist.
Now that she was feeling better, Maru ate her chicken with dainty, almost prim movements that contrasted sharply with her bold on-stream personality. She carefully wiped the seasoning off her mouth with a napkin, then lightly swayed along to the music playing in the restaurant. The conversation moved on naturally.
“Oh, right. I heard the news. You’re going on the trip too, Jia!”
It wasn’t so much a vacation as it was chaperoning. The trip was meant to give the members a chance to breathe and make memories, but if they got too relaxed while wandering around, accidents were bound to happen.
“Don’t worry about me. Just have fun with the members. I’m only going to help the boss and the team leader.”
When I conveyed that thought, Maru’s eyebrows drooped.
“You’re not going to play with us…?”
“Just because I’m on the trip doesn’t mean I have to play with you the whole time.”
“Ugh… That’s not what I mean. This is the first time you’ve ever come on a trip with us, Jia. I thought maybe you had a reason for joining…”
Ah, I suppose it would look that way to them. I was about to explain the situation when Maru spoke first.
“So I thought maybe you were finally getting more comfortable with us. You’ve been doing back-to-back streams with the kids lately, and during the eve festival you hyped us up more passionately than anyone…”
The person who knew best that there was no deep reason behind my appearance on stream was me. My voice had changed enough that it wouldn’t grate on the viewers’ ears anymore, and it seemed like it would help the company, so I’d gone on. But because it was the first time in nearly a year, it seemed to have caused this misunderstanding.
I decided a small correction was needed and stuck to objective facts.
“I’ve never felt uncomfortable with any of you. It’s just that my job is behind the stage, so I wanted to keep a professional distance… And more than that, I’ve given you all plenty of harsh criticism, haven’t I? It felt weird to suddenly start smiling and getting close after that.”
Maru’s eyes widened into perfect circles.
“Really?”
“If I were uncomfortable, would I have helped with your streams? I even broadcast from Dora’s and Komari’s houses with them.”
“Hmm. That’s true.”
“It might also be because the others aren’t as considerate as you, Maru. From what I’ve seen, everyone except you seems fine. So you don’t have to worry so much either. Just treat me comfortably.”
I am staff behind the stage. It goes against the natural order for the performers on stage to feel awkward around the staff. That doesn’t mean they should treat staff like slaves, of course. Still, I believe the entertainers should stand one level above the staff. I ended up speaking casually with Komari by accident, but the reason I use polite speech with everyone else is the same. When I treat them with respect first, they naturally recognize that they are relatively higher. Only then do the members stop worrying about the staff’s opinions. They can freely say whatever they want, suggest wild ideas, anything that comes to mind. Sometimes it gets so excessive that the company has to step in, but most of those spontaneous ideas turn into good content, bring in viewers, or raise our numbers.
Of course, my intentions didn’t seem to have gotten through to Maru properly.
After watching me carefully while eating chicken for a while, Maru suddenly snatched my half-full beer glass when the chicken was almost gone and chugged it down. She set the glass on the table with a refreshing clink and said,
“Then… let’s drop the honorifics!! ………please.”
Since I only spoke casually with Komari, it was inevitable that one of the members would bring it up eventually. Especially with Maru’s personality, she might have worried she was being treated differently. We were the same age anyway, so it didn’t really matter if we spoke casually.
“Sure.”
Her eyes grew so large they looked like they might pop out. She breathed hard, almost hyperventilating, then said,
“R-right! Jia! Starting today, we’re friends!”
“Hold on.”
I immediately put on a serious face to correct the misunderstanding. I hadn’t suggested dropping honorifics because I wanted to be friends with Maru. There weren’t many customers in the restaurant, but I lowered my voice just in case.
“We’re not becoming friends. You’re a VTuber and I’m the employee who supports you.”
“…Ah.”
But Maru looked like she was about to cry again, so I had to add an explanation.
“It’s not that I don’t want to be friends. I’m just worried that if we get too close, I might make mistakes at work. Understand?”
Maru gave a small smile.
“I-if that’s the reason, then yes! I understand!!”
Mazia is someone who takes her work more seriously than anyone, and Maru seemed to understand that heart. Although we couldn’t become friends, Maru swallowed her disappointment and took a step back for now. What mattered right now was the important event next week.
Every member had met with Jia once. Maru, stepping up last to test the waters of closeness, had successfully switched to casual speech as a fellow same-age friend. Now everyone had agreed to carry out an important event on November 22nd, the day of the group trip.
“Everyone, take out what you prepared.”
The members pulled out the gifts they had each prepared with solemn expressions. Maru, who had organized this secret meeting, smiled with satisfaction.
“Next week, no mistakes allowed, got it? You absolutely cannot let anything show. You all know that if you mess up, it’s punishment stream, right?”
“I know. I know it so well it’s driving me crazy.”
“Ugh… punishment game…”
“I’m never going to mess up. Honestly, I’m most worried about you, sis.”
“Komari, quiet. Anyway, the boss and Team Leader Kang have agreed to help too. If you think you’re in danger, don’t forget to ask me or the two of them for help immediately.”
Mazia Birthday Commemoration, Flood of Tears Grand Operation