The Thirteenth Trial: The Serpent's Tale
My name is Typhon. I am the great child of Gaia, who should have rightfully become the king of Olympus. Because I briefly let my guard down while exercising the rights that rightfully belong to the victor of a war we had all but won, I fell victim to the cowardly and vile minions of Olympus—Hermes and Cadmos—lost Zeus's sinews, barely managed to escape defeat, and now hide out here in Mount Etna with my big sister.
This island of Sicily is the Ourea (mountain) and Nesoi (island) of Mount Etna, the territory and very body of my Protogenoi sister Adamantia. It's land that even the gods of Olympus, Zeus included, can't touch recklessly. It's beyond the reach not just of the sky god Zeus, but even Poseidon, called the Zeus of the Aegean Sea. On the other hand, even I can't stand up to the unparalleled Adamantia here, so I have to crawl before her—which is why the Olympians just shrug and leave me be. You could say we've all reached a mutually beneficial brother-in-law arrangement.
In exchange for providing fire to my sister Adamantia, the world's one and only iron blacksmith, I live deep within Mount Etna. It's cramped and uncomfortable, but if Zeus wanted to punish me, I'd be locked away in Mother Gaia's womb, Tartarus, making life hard for both her and me. So I endure this much. I've spent thousands of years here with her, bending to her fierce temper. She forces me, great Typhon, to fetch fire and do odd jobs every day—a tyrannical, cruel woman. But she's handy in the kitchen, her food tastes good, and she blocks Zeus's meddling with volcanic eruptions, so I swallow my rage and put up with it.
Ah, no matter how I look at it, I'm such a filial son.
Life here is dreadfully monotonous. The sun rises, sets, and until the moon is half-spent, Adamantia just hammers iron. We rest, eat, and sleep only at set times—a rigid schedule she enforces without mercy. Our inherently savage sister tolerates not a single deviation; she's a dry, unyielding woman.
"Goddess! I've chopped the firewood and brought it. What next?"
"Mm, stack it in the usual spot and light the fire. And check where Typhon's wandered off to, if you would."
"Yes, ma'am."
Those dull, meaningless days changed with the arrival of that grinning fool Heracles, smirking in front of the world's ugliest woman, my sister. He's the most terrifying bastard alive. He's insane enough to genuinely love Adamantia, the second-ugliest woman I've ever seen after my wife Echidna. Madness like his never ends well—you've got to steer clear. Especially since he fancies our utterly tyrannical sister; I must avoid him at all costs.
And yet, he's cunning enough to recognize the value of future king of Olympus, this Typhon. He brings fruit from the trees or catches fish as snacks. For me, he's the third enemy I've met since Zeus and Cadmos.
But letting a smart guy who knows my worth end up with my savage, cruel sister—who shows not a speck of respect for this body—is too brutal, even for a madman. So I devised a bold plan to correct his horrific taste in uglies and ease sister's worries: the Trial of Toppling Echidna.
Echidna is my ex-wife, the pitiful woman who raised our twelve darling children alone after I lost to Zeus. But she doesn't know respect for her sky-high husband, she's proud as hell, and the world's top ugly. Siring twelve kids with her proves my magnanimity and kingly patience.
She lives in the remote steppes by the Black Sea, the exact opposite direction from this Sicily near the Tyrrhenian Sea—no easy trip. As another child of Gaia like me, she's a powerful monster. Had I become king of Olympus, she'd have been its queen—a horror I tried to avert by claiming Hera as my own, only for that wicked Cadmos to exploit it and make me lose... Anyway.
To set the plan in motion, I casually floated the idea to Heracles. First off...
"Hey, Heracles, you got a thing for my sister, right?"
"Oh, Typhon. Yeah, something like that. Holding back my feelings for the goddess today is killing me."
"Awful shame. Not that I'm biased as family, but sis really is the world's most beautiful and mighty goddess. Any man who marries her will be the luckiest bastard alive."
"I think so too."
Behold my innate acting talent! Poor Heracles hasn't a clue about my wicked scheme and is falling right in. My divine gifts are truly fearsome.
I skillfully, slyly reeled him into the trap with more performance.
"But, Heracles, sis is one of the mighty Protogenoi. You're a strong guy, sure, but in the end, just a demigod, right?"
"What're you getting at, Typhon? Doubting my strength?"
"As if I'd doubt the brute who mercilessly slaughtered my mighty children. But sis, as you see, is so great even I can't lift my head to her."
"True enough. So what should I do?"
"What else? Slay a monster greater and stronger than my kids to prove your power. Then sis will drop her doubts, calm her nerves, and open her heart to you."
"Where's a monster like that? Nothing's stronger than your kids."
Perfect—he's hooked.
"What d'you mean none? There's me, great Typhon, but I'm more god than monster, and without me, the forge grinds to a halt."
"Mm, and?"
"And nothing! I know where a monster as strong as me lurks."
"What? Such a thing exists? Where?"
"Where else? The end of the world."
"You're talking nonsense. You killed Ladon recently."
"Who said west end? The world's end is on the other side too, dummy."
Yes, yes—almost there!
"Other side? Spit it out straight, Typhon. No beating around the bush."
"Ahem, fine, special reveal: that monster is none other than great Typhon's ex-wife."
"What? You nuts? I killed your kids on orders, but your wife too?"
"Sure, we've become friends here and swore off the gods' wicked labors, and I won't make you kill more kin. But, Heracles..."
"What."
"Don't think small. Dealing with monsters isn't just killing. You know that, right?"
"You mean... capture her alive?"
Ahh, forgive me, foolish Heracles. This is all for your own good.
"Exactly, Heracles my boy. Capture my wife Echidna and bring her to Sicily. She's wise, so maybe you can talk her into coming without a fight."
"True, possible. Though harder than fighting."
"Possibility is possibility. It's doable."
"Got it."
Excellent, almost sealed. Time for the clincher.
"Echidna's as strong as me, another child of Gaia. Bringing her here is a heroic feat no god could dream of."
"Obviously."
"What woman could refuse a hero who pulls that off? None in this world. Even Gaia would be moved."
"Kidnapping her daughter?"
"Don't worry. Who am I? Typhon, Gaia's most favored son. Mother's visiting soon; I'll explain your trial to her. She'll step in and convince doubting sis for you."
Grr, my brilliant mind is firing sharper than ever today. Poor, dumb Heracles, forgive me for foisting the world's ugliest on you—but you'll escape my tyrannical sis, so call it even.
"If Gaia backs me, I want nothing more. Sis'll come around."
"That's the spirit, Heracles! A real man! It'll look good. The forge work wraps up soon—prep for then."
"Yeah, got it. Who knew you'd be useful someday. Thanks, Typhon."
"Hey, only two guys on this lonely island—you and me, haha!!!"
That evening, unbeknownst to sis, we held a little feast with hoarded booze to toast the coming trial. Ah, sorry, Heracles. This is your farewell cup. From great Typhon, dooming you to a horrific future. Don't betray this friend who wishes you happiness deep down. I toasted inwardly as we clinked glasses.