The Bingo Game

"Yaaawn. Hi."

"...Uh... yeah..."

The Demon King didn't even glance my way as I emerged from my room for once, completely swallowed by the screen. Her crimson eyes glittered like jewels as she drank it all in.

Breakfast was potato soup and kimchi pancakes. She was so close to being sucked into the monitor that she didn't even notice she was holding her spoon backwards.

"...Hey. You're holding the spoon backwards."

"....Huh? Yeah?... Oh. So I am."

What the hell has her that zoned out?

The image of myself more than a decade ago, staring at the kids' meal toys displayed in a burger joint's glass case, overlapped with her.

...Cute.

I immediately clocked myself for that sudden, moronic sentiment. How was this any different from watching a female rhino shake her ass and thinking it was sexy?

...What's she even watching?

I pretended to go grab a spoon and snuck a sidelong glance at her screen. Adventurers were laughing and playing some kind of game.

The game they were playing was bingo. You know the one — nine squares, three by three, write words in them, and whoever completes a certain number of lines horizontally, vertically, or diagonally wins.

"Yes! Another line!"

"...Ihihih.."

The Demon King sat there with her mouth hanging open, completely absorbed, lighting up with joy every time they laughed in excitement. She was so into it she didn't even notice the soup dripping off her spoon.

...Somehow.

I felt a little sorry for her. She wanted to play with them but couldn't, so all she could do was live vicariously through the monitor. It looked just like a sick child watching other kids play through a window.

...I'll play with her later.

For the first time, I actually wanted to be the one to ask the Demon King to play. Was I feeling pity for her right now? Live long enough and you really do see everything.

"I got one too! Hey! Everyone but you already has three lines!"

A female adventurer who looked like a martial artist cheered on the screen. A man who looked like a warrior wiped his face dry and grumbled.

"Aw, come on! Let me off just this once, yeah?"

"What are you talking about. We bet on it."

Cute little guy. What's the wager even for?

Given that I played death games with the Demon King every single day, this amateur adventurer throwing a fit over a mere bingo game looked adorable.

"...Fine."

The man reluctantly put his hands against the wall.

The martial artist's kick exploded into his ass.

"GAAAAAH! Suzuka, you bitch!"

"S-Suzuka! Brad's gonna die!"

"No he's not. He's not dying. Hey, why's a guy being such a baby? Get up. I've still got three more of you."

"G-go easy..."

THWACK!

"GAAAAAAH!"

The man's wretched screams filled a kitchen that had been so peaceful just moments ago on this early morning.

"Ihihih, hihihihih..."

The Demon King grinned with her mouth stretched wide.

"Kufufu, ufufufu."

Then she covered her mouth with a pale hand, as if ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠she'd imagined something amusing. Her crimson eyes, soaked in happiness, met mine. She sent a sly little smile my way.

Correction. At this very moment, the person most deserving of pity was none other than me.

I had just witnessed firsthand how her dogshit games and their penalties get manufactured. At this rate, death bingo was starting, no two ways about it.

The first topic was animals. I carefully suggested we scrap the penalty.

"No. I wanna do it."

As a reason for me to die, it was far too lukewarm. I appealed to her more human side and tried asking again.

"I actually have a disease where I'll die if I get kicked."

"It's fine. I'll just Resurrection you right away!"

The Demon King talked about other people's lives as casually as snapping a dropped Lego back together. Memories of Yuria from the past surfaced.

Grr, that fucking bitch!!

Fine, Demon King. I harbored a moment of warmth and goodwill toward you, but you blew the war horn first.

That's how war works. They fire a cannon, you answer with a missile. I'll burn it into you. What a man who's serious about bingo looks like.

I packed the center with things that were bound to come up. The donkey, crane, and horse she liked belonged there. And in the squares that would actually decide the win, I wrote animals that would never come up.

Golden poison dart frog. Elephant shrew. Northern hairy-nosed wombat. Tonkin snub-nosed monkey.

A classic cheap trick — but that just meant it worked.

"You done writing? Heheh."

The Demon King, who'd been scribbling while lying on her stomach kicking her feet, whipped the paper behind her back and asked.

"Yeah. Let's start. Before that, though."

"...Hm?"

"You know a game is just a game, right?"

"What does that mean?"

The Demon King asked back, not following.

"Don't load this with feelings. Let's just keep a game a game. Getting mad because you lost isn't very grown-up, is it?"

"...What? When did I ever do that?"

Is she for real right now? Does she have a conscience?

"Nah, I know, I know. You're a cool demon and all. Just thought I'd say it, just in case."

"Yeah, I know, so that's enough."

Done. With this, there was no chance of her transforming into Ghost Rider, avatar of vengeance, like last time with the oak barrel. Now I just had to steamroll her with my bingo skills and it was over.

"I'll go ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠first then! Broad-mouthed shark!"

Oh, fuck!

"You don't have it? Then I'll just check mine..."

One of her traits I'd momentarily forgotten fluttered back into view.

Not yet. Don't get confident yet.

She'd say donkey, or Paper Crane. So I...

"Golden poison dart frog."

"Oh my! I've got that!"

That's right. She... had a habit of picking things just to be contrary, and saying them in unnecessarily difficult ways. And that showed itself in full force even in animal-name bingo.

I called the next animal, on the verge of tears.

"Hhk... To-Tonkin... snub-nosed monkey..."

"Wooooow! Three-line bingo! I'm doooone!!"

Unable to contain her joy, the Demon King snatched up her bingo sheet and nailed a triple axel. No. I could not go out like this, my life ending as a pair of wrecked ass cheeks.

"Hold on. How about we void this round and do two hits next time?"

"What does that mean?"

"Meaning if you win you kick three times, and if I win I kick you once."

"Uuum, no. First I hit you once, and then..."

"Scared?"

The most obvious, childish taunt in the book. But for her—

"Yeah, I am?"

.....What?

"I'm scared. So first I hit you once, and then we can do two hits or whatever."

This wasn't how this was supposed to go.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who'd grown from all our games. She was wearing a thoroughly vicious smile, showing off her evolved rhetoric in full.

At this rate... I'd have no choice but to take the penalty.

"If you void this one, I'll teach you the 5 Wind God Fists cheat tips."

"I'm good."

"I'll give you all the Bubble Bobble Golden Candies."

"Those were mine to begin with?"

"I'll give you fifty King Potatoes."

"Oh my, you said you didn't have fifty... so you did? Bring them here."

The tables had completely turned from when the Demon King used to weasel around just to take a few fewer forehead flicks.

Having parried my every offensive, she smiled at her leisure. Shoddy deals like stealing allowance from a snot-nosed kid weren't going to work anymore.

"Are you stalling? Come on. Stick your ass out."

She lifted a pale foot sideways. The thought of that foot — the same one that had pulverized countless ranker invaders — slamming down on my precious little ass made my balls shrivel.

...If it's come to this.

...I'd have to bring it up one more time.

"...Come to think of it."

"Hm?"

"You didn't keep a promise before either. You said you'd let me go, then weirdly hemmed and hawed, didn't you?"

At those words, her expression — which had looked like she hadn't a care in the world — did a complete one-eighty.

"What!? Y-you! That was already over!"

Blue flames of rage bloomed behind her as she blew up. Don't flinch, Baek Dongha. She's just trying to scare you.

"What's over? I never got my wager reward."

"No! I, with a-alcohol..."

"Alcohol?"

With alcohol, what? After that ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠she somehow whipped her head back and forth, then gave up.

"Nngh.. Fine. So I just have to void this one?"

"Yeah. That's enough."

I took the handshake she offered. Cheap, but I had no choice. This made it overtime.

To think I'd have to use it here...

The Demon King's Little Farm golden calf embezzlement. I'd been saving that for something more useful... No choice. My ass was about to shatter so badly I wouldn't even be able to take a shit starting tomorrow. I had to use it now.

"Shall we go to the next round, then?"

A piercing chill filled the Demon King's eyes. She was probably planning to win and rain a three-stage bombardment down on my ass.

This time I proposed the topic to her. Fire-attribute magic spell names.

It was essentially the equivalent of proposing a gun-name quiz in front of a military otaku, and she accepted with a laugh as if it were beneath her.

But the result.

"Re-Requiem River Flare."

At her teary mutter, I checked the last circle and shouted.

"Three-line bingo!"

"Whaaat? That's... that's impossible!"

She'd come at me in the exact same style as last round. And because I had a string of mythic-sounding magic names I'd never even seen in person memorized, I beat her easily. The Demon King snatched my paper to inspect it, as if she couldn't believe it.

So you do save my life sometimes, Dorothy.

Back when Dorothy was taking the Grade 2 Archwizard civil service exam, she'd kept me up all night with a book open, making me quiz her. The mythical magics whose names I'd only learned then had come pouring out of her mouth.

Dorothy. Sorry I wished your whole family would get wiped out by that Hell Flame you chanted in your sleep.

The Demon King, demoted in an instant from victor to nobody loser, gnawed her lower lip and groaned. Getting wrecked at her own specialty must have doubled the sense of loss.

"Hhk..."

Unable to contain her rage, blood finally trickled from the corner of her mouth. The paper she flung landed at my feet.

...What the hell is this.

She'd planted Fireball smack in the center. She'd probably assumed my magical knowledge topped out around there, so she'd parked a dime-a-dozen spell name in the middle. That's why you lose.

"...Hic.. hhk... Hit me."

The Demon King braced herself against the wall and stuck her ass out.

"...About that..."

"...What are you doing. I'm pretty. Don't go easy on me just because I'm a girl. Hit me."

Has she lost it. Who the hell is treating you like a girl...

"Uh... don't you have buffs on?"

At that, she glared at me with wildcat eyes, then reluctantly started dismissing her buffs.

How many buffs do you even slather onto an ass. Is she actually insane.

And what the fuck does Zephyros have to do with an ass...

"...Hit me now. Your body won't split in two or anything."

"......Fine. A promise is a promise."

Eight-game winning streak.

In inverse proportion to a win rate that ought to have been a blessing, my face grew paler and paler.

"Hic... hhk..."

"...Are you crying?"

"Go away. I'm not crying... hic."

With her buffs dismissed, the Demon King's physical defense wasn't much different from an ordinary human woman's.

....That's why I said I'd kick gently...

Gentle kicking wasn't allowed. She'd foamed at the mouth and thrown an absolute fit about it. I had no choice but to keep driving in full-power soccer kicks.

"...Hic... Keep going."

She still hadn't fully wiped away her tear tracks, and she challenged me with eyes full of hatred.

...I'm fucked.

She wasn't going to be satisfied until she won and kicked my ass. I'd never seen her that pissed off over a game.

"Come here. Hurry up and go again."

"..."

The rule we'd established that a game was just a game had been sold off to god knows where.

Fine... Then...

"Sniff. Pick a topic. It's your turn to choose."

"This time, it's things you like."

Hearing the topic I'd chosen, she nodded, her nose gone strawberry-red.

"Sniff, hnnf. Paper Crane."

Seeing me not check anything, the Demon King looked a little relieved.

"Your turn."

"Iron Fist."

"....Hm?"

I waited for her next answer as she hesitated after circling it.

"...Mayonnaise."

"Chess."

"......Pottery."

"Drawing quiz."

".........Hih... Piggy bank."

"Little Farm, King Potato farming."

"Me too! That's mine!... Hehe.."

I'd written down everything we'd done together that she might like. Her expression gradually softened, and before long she stopped calling out her own bingo list.

"The stuff we've been doing together was way more fun than this game. Honestly, this is boring as hell for you too, right?"

"Yeah! Yeah! That's right. Me too! Me too!"

The Demon King, who'd gone from crying to laughing, flung the bingo paper she was holding. Whether she'd already forgotten her grudge against my ass, she trotted ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠right up.

With a hand that was soft and cool, she uncurled my clenched fingers and took the paper.

Huh?