Chapter 34
Chapter 34
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 34
Chapter Title: I Don't Know Why I'm Like This
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"All done."
Esther pushed the bag containing all her luggage to one side and perched on the edge of the bed.
As time passed, the merchant group had grown even sturdier than expected. And with rumors spreading that the Elpis Merchant Group was quite close to the Imperial Palace, it was only natural that attention would flock to them.
She couldn't help but know it was the Emperor's ploy to persuade her.
"...Carter's going to have it rough."
The method she had chosen to reject the countess title without harming the merchant group was to plead illness and take a rest cure.
Esther planned to use this as an excuse to head to the countryside, but for days now, she hadn't stepped outside, only worrying the guild members.
"Miss, are you in?"
"Come in."
As Esther, feeling guilty toward the guild members, responded to the knock, Carter opened the door and entered the room.
"It's already tomorrow. Is there anything else you need?"
"No, nothing major. It's all thanks to you, Carter."
"What have I even done? Anyway, are you really not attending and just leaving?"
Esther glanced at the invitation in Carter's hand.
The Emperor truly intended to summon her to the Crown Prince's birthday banquet a month from now. But she had no plans to attend palace banquets now or in the future.
[We are delighted to invite you, the representative of the Elpis Merchant Group, to the Crown Prince's twenty-first birthday. We hope to see you at the banquet.]
Esther peeked at the contents of the invitation and shook her head. She was no longer the representative of the Elpis Merchant Group.
"Yes, I'm not the representative anymore. Besides, what good treatment would I get if I went? You shouldn't go either, Carter. I was thinking of sending a letter separately..."
At those words, Carter shook his head firmly.
"Once I've accepted this position, everything as guild master falls to me. I can't pass that responsibility back to the previous guild master who handed it over."
Esther already knew Carter's stubbornness in keeping his word no matter what, so she gave up trying to dissuade him.
But she had no intention of pretending not to notice the backlash he would face for attending the banquet. After much deliberation, she rummaged through her luggage and placed a letter in his hand.
"Make sure to say it's my request. Don't cover for me, and no matter what they say, just listen. Got it?"
"..."
"You know that for the merchant group to avoid harm, I have to be the one who abandons it and flees due to illness."
"I've always heard from Guild Master Ete to take good care of you. I can't pretend not to know and make you bear everything alone."
"Just by being in that position, you've already taken on something enormous."
"Even so, this won't do."
After a long back-and-forth, Esther finally raised both hands in surrender, adopting a negotiating stance.
"...Do it only to the extent it doesn't disrupt the merchant group or your life. Otherwise, I'll have no choice but to come back."
"Understood. Don't worry."
In the end, their prolonged conversation ended with the bell tolling 10 p.m.
Watching Carter rise from his seat, Esther finally uttered the words she'd been holding back.
"I'm sorry. For acting so selfishly and making you take on this because of me."
"Don't say such disappointing things."
Carter turned back, his eyebrows drooping as if truly hurt by the words.
"I was glad to indulge your whims like this. Didn't you used to be scared of me as a child?"
"...Not anymore."
"You're not denying it."
Carter grinned, drew the room's hanging curtains closed, and bowed.
"Good night. See you tomorrow."
"You too, Carter."
"If you need to go out, call me. You know it's best not to wander outside if possible, right?"
"Yes, I know."
Even within the merchant group, the news of Esther's departure and that she was fine was still top-secret information known only to her and the executives, so Carter cautioned her once more before leaving the room.
"..."
Esther knew there couldn't be a farewell party or goodbyes with the guild members. But gazing out the window, one regret lingered.
"I want to at least say goodbye to Father..."
In the end, after much thought, calling Carter back was an unavoidable choice.
"It's right ahead, and I've cleared the area, but still be careful."
Carter, who had accompanied her to the park cemetery where Ete was buried, tied Esther's hood once more.
She knew this was greed on her part—someone refusing invitations due to illness and leaving tomorrow—risking surveillance. If caught, it would give the Emperor ammunition to cling to.
Still, she wanted to etch Ete's image one last time, someone she wouldn't see for a while.
"Don't worry. I'll be right back."
"Exactly ten minutes. If you're not back, we're leaving immediately."
"Got it. Thank you so much for granting my request."
Esther expressed her gratitude once more to the fidgeting Carter.
He had even understood her selfish wish to bid farewell to her father and secretly arranged a carriage to escort her here.
Overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness in checking for surveillance, Esther couldn't hold back and hugged him tightly.
"If I'd known you were so affectionate, I would've spoken to you sooner. What a regret."
"I didn't know you were this kind of person either."
"G-go on now. I'm starting the countdown!"
Esther laughed at Carter's flustered stammering and stepped forward.
"I'll be back."
"Yes."
A single strand of red hair poking out from her hood gleamed under the moonlight as she walked away.
The farewell wasn't long. There weren't many words to exchange, and she knew Ete would support whatever she did.
As Esther quickly finished her goodbyes and headed toward the exit she knew well...
"Mother."
A few blocks before the alley with the carriage, in a narrow lane, someone was there.
The moment she heard the familiar voice, Esther instantly recognized the man.
"..."
His unsteady stagger, trembling eyes, and bloodshot gaze. Even his expression, stripped of its usual composure.
The person stumbling toward her was unmistakably Noel.
Before she knew it, Noel had closed the distance to her. Esther pulled her cloak over her face.
Even knowing discovery here could cause problems later, she blamed her carelessness in venturing out and stepped back a few paces.
"How..."
But Noel staggered forward again, closing the gap he'd reopened.
Esther wrinkled her nose at the stench of alcohol wafting closer.
"Why are you looking at me like that too?"
Noel's eyes shook violently as they met hers.
Then, as if entranced, he approached faster and seized her arm.
"Are you abandoning me now too?"
"What is this...!"
Esther tried to shake off his grip, but stopped upon seeing the utter despair filling his eyes.
It was a familiar gaze. Identical to the one she'd seen countless times in the mirror in her previous life.
"If I deal with that man, will you be even a little happy?"
"Let go."
"No, actually, it's because I want to be happy. It feels like I have to do this."
"Noel, let go."
No matter how she called, Noel just kept talking. The foul alcohol breath assaulted her nose with every exhale.
A strange mix of relief and disgust surged at the sight of him too drunk to know what he was doing.
She had no time to deal with a drunkard bereft of reason.
"...Once even that's over, what am I supposed to do to live?"
Noel clutched her hand desperately. Reaching her limit, Esther lightly shook him off.
"You seem very intoxicated. You should head home. I don't want to argue with someone not in their right mind. Then."
Hesitating not a moment at Noel's failure to even recognize her, Esther turned to leave—but his muttering voice halted her steps.
"You're not Mother. It's you. I could never forget those eyes."
Knowing what expression Noel wore without turning, Esther tried to move again.
"...That look keeps bothering me. It nags at me. No, it's you that nags at me."
The voice drew closer, and soon weight settled on her wrist.
"What do you think you're doing, Noel."
Noel yanked her wrist, turning her to face him. Obsession swirled vividly in his eyes.
"Let go."
Esther frowned at the resentful glare peeking through Noel's rumbling voice.
Again. That woman always looked at him with those eyes. It kept grating on him.
"Who are you to keep appearing before me? Why those eyes?"
"You must have the wrong person. Wouldn't it be wise to restrain your rudeness?"
Noel let out a small laugh at her icy reply. Yes, those were the eyes. The ones that had been tearing at his heart for days.
On days when everyday violence passed and unbearable nightmares visited—ones he never touched otherwise—Noel drowned himself in alcohol. Those resentful voices always drove him mad.
[Why didn't you help me?]
[Why did you let me die?]
When his mother's green eyes looked at him, he felt like someone who shouldn't be alive.
A sense of duty to complete revenge somehow clashed paradoxically with emptiness.
It tormented him. Fleeing to alleys beyond his mother's reach had ended in this pathetic state.
Again, those eyes had cowardly sought him out, refusing to forgive.
At first, they irritated him. Then, they filled him with resentment. And now...
"Why do you look so desperately resigned to everything, yet burn with hostility at me?"
It grated. No, there was a better word than irritation.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Why, exactly...!"
His slurred tongue from the alcohol signaled its limit.
Blurring vision and fading mind screamed for sleep.
"Are you looking at me with those eyes?"
Yes, interest. Noel was interested in this woman.
Whether rage from resemblance to his mother's resentful eyes in dreams, or disappointment from difference to her affectionate gaze in life.
"I don't know why I'm like this since you entered my life."
Noel was frustrated, clueless about the answer to his feelings for her now.