The Good Person (6)
Karin's attitude had changed since that day. If one were to judge whether it was for the better or worse, it was clearly for the worse. From that day forward, Karin began hovering around Jain like a nuisance, nitpicking at every little thing and scolding him for no reason. Her complaints were so absurd that the other party members watching on would express concern or try to intervene. But nothing improved. Because no matter what nonsense she threw at him, Jain accepted it all.
For example, it would go something like this.
"Ah! I told you not to make my rice this mushy!"
One morning, Karin took the rice bowl made from large leaves and immediately snapped in a curt tone. Jain, who had been munching on a salted rice ball, scratched his head and replied.
"Just eat whatever you're given. You think I'm going to cook rice twice and adjust the water just for you?"
It was an extremely reasonable counterargument, but Karin set the bowl down and crossed her arms with a pout.
"I don't know, forget it."
"Are you trying to starve? We've got three straight hours of walking ahead."
"I said forget it."
With a deep sigh, Jain quickly swallowed his own food and reached out his hand.
"Fine, fine. Give me the bowl."
At that, Ren stepped in as if she couldn't stand it anymore, blocking Jain's hand.
"You really need to stop. Jain woke up at dawn to prepare this with me. You didn't do anything. So why are you suddenly acting like a child and picking fights over every little thing?"
"Wh-what? You done talking?"
There wasn't much she could say in retort, but Karin stood up and crossed her arms. Jain was the one who mediated.
"Ren, it's fine. She's probably stressed because we'll have to risk our lives fighting again soon. Geez, I'll make it again. Sit down."
"Hmph, okay! Since it's your request, I'll specially sit back down."
"If that's what you say, I guess I have no choice... but aren't you giving her too much special treatment?"
Karin sat back down with a triumphant smile. Ren puffed out her cheeks in anger and glared up at Jain. Feeling a strange sense of victory from the sight, Karin lowered her head and grinned slyly.
'Why didn't I realize back then that the real winner was Ren?'
No matter how she thought about it, it wasn't rational. She was like a stray cat addicted to snacks for the first time. She simply loved this kind of relationship too much. She'd deliberately find fault, scold him, and then that guy would grumble but still pay attention to her and help out. Every time she received something from him, an unnamed emotion would surge hotly in her chest. It felt like she had become someone special to him alone.
She was afraid that if she stepped out of this state, their relationship would collapse. So she didn't want to change anything. She thought it would last forever if things stayed like this.
Why hadn't she noticed back then that her behavior was exactly like the hero she so despised—or perhaps even worse?
The relationship she had believed would last forever without tension suddenly faced catastrophe.
"My hometown."
"Huh?"
"The way to return to my hometown, where my family is waiting, is in that room."
For a brief moment, she thought it was a joke. She wanted to deny it that badly. It was the first time she realized the phrase "my heart feels like it's freezing" wasn't just a figure of speech. Jain's face, lowered deeply, was hidden in shadow. She prayed desperately that it wasn't true.
"Thanks to you all, I can't go back to my family now. ...I can't see them. Ever."
His voice grew wet at the end. It was laced with tears. Karin wanted to scream at someone. Her head wasn't working properly; she couldn't understand why this was happening.
"My mother always said her only joy in life was giving me massages... My little sister can't even sleep properly without me. What am I supposed to do now?"
When Jain finished his reproach and lifted his head, a single tear streaked down his cheek and hung from his chin. Only then did she realize that this guy could get hurt too. At that moment, her mind went blank as she stammered.
She said there had to be a way, that she'd find some way to fix it. But his reply was firm.
"There isn't."
"I said there isn't. It's all over now, just like that."
The expression on Jain's face as he murmured those words was one she had seen before. It was the same face she had seen reflected in the mirror on the bathroom door that day—the day she had pushed away her only friend and locked herself inside. The face of someone who had lost the will to live.
Why had she acted so spoiled that she made him wear that expression? She knew exactly what kind of feeling made someone look like that. She knew it painfully well.
The wave of guilt crashing over her paralyzed both her brain and her mouth. The only thought she had was that she needed to apologize. But since she had never apologized in her life, her tongue froze and her mouth wouldn't move properly. The words she barely managed to squeeze out were only two.
"I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry..."
The sweet reminiscence always turned bitterly sour at this point. Karin, lost in memory, furrowed her brow and clenched her fist tightly. The book page in her hand crumpled miserably. From the music box she had left playing came the climax of the song she had recorded back then. Karin absentmindedly murmured along with the lyrics.
"I'm... fine being alone..."
Then, the last words he had left her suddenly pierced her mind.
"From now on, let's just live without ever seeing each other's faces again. Like we're strangers who never met."
"Ah... ah."
Karin lowered her head and bit her lip. Blood welled up from her lip, but she didn't even notice. The pain in her heart was far worse. The song lyrics she had loved so much now stabbed into her heart like daggers, one word at a time.
"Even if I'm... alone. No, I'm not fine."
Even after being left alone, she had tried to endure. But she couldn't be like him. The happiness she had tasted so briefly was too sweet, and its aftertaste was too painful.
"I miss you... You're such an idiot..."
For three years, no matter what malicious harassment she endured, she had only glared back and repaid it—she had never cried. But now her small shoulders were crumbling like an old fortress. Drop by drop, tears fell onto the book page, dissolving the ink and staining the white paper black. Soon the tears flowed uncontrollably, and Karin began to sob bitterly.
"I'm sorry... Really, I'm so sorry... Everything you said was right."
The words Jain had spat out in his first explosion right before leaving were etched clearly in her ears, word by word. The memory was like a tattoo that wouldn't fade, tormenting Karin every dawn to the point of death.
"I was wrong. I... I was really wrong..."
Because he accepted everything she did, she had somehow started taking it all for granted. She had never once asked why he was fighting, what he was fighting against, or if it was hard for him.
One day she had overheard him talking in his sleep. He kept searching for his father. He was apologizing to someone. When he had just woken up, his expression had looked so sad. Even after seeing that, she hadn't said a word. Why hadn't she asked or comforted him? How stupid.
Yet that guy never showed it. He always watched over all the party members, paying attention to everything. It was obvious he had been carrying several times more burden than someone like her. But instead of lightening his load, she had become extra weight and climbed on top of him.
'Well, but I guess that was his true feelings.'
"No... Absolutely not. All the hardship until now... it was all to meet you... so that all that time would have meaning... that's what I... thought..."
To the Jain in her memories who was lashing out at her, she stammered out the words she hadn't been able to say to his face. But they were empty. Looking back, there wasn't a single piece of evidence to prove they weren't just words. She had only ever gotten angry and received; she had never given anything.
No matter how much she reflected and looked back on her memories, the fact that she had done nothing for him grew clearer, while the list of things she had received only grew longer.
"That's why I'm going to stay locked in this room. Even if it takes my whole life..."
She had decided to confine herself here until she found some way to open that door. She vowed to continue her research even if it took ten years, twenty, or perhaps her entire life. That was the bare minimum atonement she could offer.
But even though she had made that resolution over and over, she would sometimes have shameless dreams. When she was exhausted from research and collapsed, the door would suddenly open and he would come in, saying "Geez, what are you doing looking like that?" while scratching his head, then take her hand and help her up...
But when she opened her eyes, the laboratory door was always closed as coldly as a prison cell. Each time, her chest ached with emptiness. Then she would pound her chest to calm down and squeeze out the apology she hadn't been able to make back then.
If by some chance she ran into him on the street, she wanted to grab his shoulders and tell him this apology. I'm sorry. Until now, everyone hated me and only compared me to others, so no one ever cared about me. Being cared for by someone, being shown consideration, trusting someone, relying on someone—it was all new to me, so I didn't know how to handle it. I'm truly sorry. If you give me just one more chance, next time I really won't do that...
It was then that the laboratory door burst open.