Relief
"...Cracks, you say...?"
Epathos regarded me with a cold expression.
"Your party has formed a rather malformed, dependent relationship centered entirely on you. At least Na-yeon and Na Seoyun have the bond of blood between them, but even that seems to be slowly cracking of late."
"...Why?"
"Na Seoyun has begun relying on you more than on her sister. I don't know the reason myself. I'm merely telling you what I've observed."
He added that this was speculation.
"It seems she's harbored some sort of feeling for quite some time. The incident on the eighth floor appears to have been the spark that let her resentment toward Na-yeon burst into the open. She seemed to let it go after the two of you worked things out and she agreed to follow your word... but now that she's seen you refusing to let anyone close, she appears to be blaming Na-yeon for it."
I couldn't say a word.
"Which is why I ask. Why won't you let those women in? Na-yeon doesn't know what to do with herself, and Na Seoyun is trembling with anxiety. Nam Eun-ju has gone past anxiety into outright terror. She knows she's lacking, so she's shaking with fear that you'll abandon her. Even Joo Ha-yeon, the most rational of them, has begun showing concern of late... Do you understand the situation you're in?"
I was silent for a long time.
These were relationships I had built. I had steered them to depend on me, to make leaving me as hard as I could. And now, for fear of becoming a sucker again — of repeating my first life — I was shaking those very relationships with my own hands. The thought struck me, unbidden, that this might be even worse than anything I'd done the first time around.
It was a long while before I managed to open my mouth. I had turned it over and over, but there was no one else I could confide in, no one else I could ask for advice.
Who else could I tell? My party? Out of the question. A stranger? I'd have to kill them afterward. In that sense, Epathos was someone who could look at me objectively, who had actively stepped forward to give me this kind of counsel, and who would not betray me. And so, after much deliberation, I decided to lay out my thoughts and ask for his advice.
"...My first life was pathetic. I was a complete sucker."
Epathos listened quietly as I began to speak.
I slowly, quietly laid out the course of that first life. A life in which I had never been the one in control. I recounted, without embellishment, how I had fallen from supporting role to bit player, from bit player to extra.
"So when there was no one left above me, I struggled as hard as I could to become the protagonist again."
I gathered what remained of a guild that was as good as disbanded, formed a party once more, raised my skill, gathered items, and challenged the Upper Floors.
And I didn't even clear a single floor. I merely set foot on the Upper Floors. Ironically, the one who killed me was a Giant.
"In the end, I failed without accomplishing a thing. And then I learned the truth."
Earth had fallen. Long before. Faced with that truth, I gave up.
"I wasn't chosen because I was special, or brave, or overflowing with a sense of duty. There simply wasn't anyone else who could do it."
For the first time, I was laying it all out to someone. My situation. My thoughts.
And I told Epathos the fears I had wrestled with on the ninth floor.
"I'm afraid. This life is truly my last chance. A last chance I didn't even know existed. You said it yourself — regressors who succeed are vanishingly rare. So how am I supposed to let myself be swayed by attachment? I'm human. I have feelings. They can arise. But I told myself I must not be ruled by them. I'm terrified that if I let attachment sway me, I'll end up with a worse result than my first life — that I'll never see my family again."
The fear of repeating who I had been the first time. Of handing everything over to Na Seoyun and just giving and giving. Of running away again and throwing away even this last chance. That terrified me more than anything.
Or worse — that I would grow so attached I'd hesitate to put my party in danger. Returning to an Earth the Giants had invaded was, in itself, an act of driving myself and my companions toward death. Even if I armed and grew myself to the highest level I could imagine, a single misstep would mean death at a Giant's hands. They were that powerful.
"I can't allow that. I told myself I had to steel my heart. What I should truly fear is throwing away this last chance. To save Earth, to see my family again, I can do anything. Someone like that cannot afford to be swayed by attachment."
And so I had drawn a line. Because I didn't want to be swayed anymore. Epathos, who had listened through all of this, answered calmly once I finished.
"That's a foolish thing to do."
I had no answer for that.
"Even if you do that, you're all too likely to fail. Let me tell you plainly. You will never save your world alone."
"...I know."
"You know, and you still think like that? You should have made them into people you could trust completely. There was no need to draw a line there."
"...But—"
"How long do you think you'll last, isolating yourself like that? The humans I know aren't that mentally strong or sturdy. Most of them aren't. And you, lad, are one of that majority."
I couldn't argue with him. I was the one who'd already grown attached in that short time. I was the one whose personality had been worn down considerably by the memories of my first life. And I was starving for attachment, affection, friendship, love. My obsession with family made that obvious enough.
"Lean on them yourself. Find warmth from those girls and recharge. That would be far better. Better than watching the person you are wear away until you collapse."
"And if I walk the same path of failure as my first life?"
"You already know that path doesn't work. You're weak, but you're not stupid. Well — looking at what you're doing now, you are a bit stupid. But I don't believe you're a complete fool. You're not the type to let attachment sway you when you know it won't work. And besides."
Epathos paused, then continued.
"You don't strike me as the sort who'd abandon the family of your past just because you've formed new bonds."
Once again, I could only fall silent.
"That's how I see it. So don't worry — go ahead and make new people who matter to you. It'll be good for you and for your party. And if it is, it'll be a great help in saving your world as well."
A settled heart can run faster toward its goal. That was what Epathos said.
"So. Accept your party's feelings. Open your heart, stay close, ease their anxiety — and have sex, while you're at it."
"...What?"
"...Excuse me?"
"Don't pretend you didn't hear me. You heard perfectly well. With a body like yours, there's no way you missed it."
We'd been having a perfectly decent conversation, and then he came out with that.
Seeing my face, Epathos looked even more incredulous than I felt.
"Are you dismissing sex right now? Do you have any idea how much it settles a person's heart? Don't tell me that in all your life, you've never—"
"No, no, I have experience, but—"
"Tsk. Predictable. You just tangled like animals to scratch an itch, didn't you. No wonder your first life went to hell."
That seemed like a stretch, even for him.
"Humans are frail. They need someone to lean on. Do you think you're some solitary dragon that exists unto itself? Relationships matter enormously to humans. If bedding your companions doesn't sit well with you, I won't force the issue. But you should open your heart. Stop drawing such an obvious line the way you have been."
"...Alright. I understand."
The last part had been bizarre, but he wasn't exactly wrong. I'd known most of it already. I knew I was weak — I knew that much about myself.
That was why I'd tried even harder to draw a line. And he had rejected that approach outright. What I was doing now, he said, was repeating my first life.
On top of that, the team was supposedly coming apart. I would have to confirm it, but if it was true, what I was doing now was self-destruction. I couldn't allow that. After everything I had invested in raising them, they were going to start cracking?
I couldn't accept it.
And indeed, when I wasn't there, my party was exactly as Epathos had described.
Na-yeon, lost and not knowing what to do with herself. Na Seoyun, displeased with her sister and yet anxious in her own right. Nam Eun-ju, so terrified she was chewing her nails. Joo Ha-yeon, her tension written plainly across her face.
It was worse than I'd been told.
I called them in one by one and talked with each of them a little.
I had to tell Na-yeon that she was doing extremely well, that I was satisfied with her as she was. With Na Seoyun, I found that simply chatting cheerfully was enough to make her anxiety drop away. ...More precisely, it seemed to be because I allowed her to cling and throw herself at me.
As for Joo Ha-yeon, I simply told her I'd done it deliberately to build tension, since the difficulty would only keep rising from here. That was actually true, besides. And as I sat with each of them — as I took down the line I had drawn — I could feel my own heart growing lighter as well.
The problem was Nam Eun-ju.
"Please don't abandon me."
I couldn't say a word.
I hadn't done anything. I had merely called her aside. And those were the first words out of her mouth.
"Anything. I'll do anything you tell me to. Just please don't abandon—"
"I'm not abandoning you."
"B-but..."
"Why would I abandon you, Nam Eun-ju?"
I said it as if I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"You've just seemed like you had a lot on your mind lately. Like you were struggling, so I—"
"I-I'm not struggling. I can do better!"
"R-right."
I realized Nam Eun-ju's current state was more serious than I had thought.
...No wonder her random skill had been Survival Instinct.
If I hadn't handled things properly back when Johann had us locked in Melid Castle's underground prison, Nam Eun-ju might well have betrayed me.
Johann had known that too — that was probably why he had hesitated for a moment.
This was beyond anything I had imagined.
"Even if you can't keep up with us, I won't abandon you as long as you don't betray us first. Your role might change a little, but we're a team. Don't worry."
As long as you don't betray us first. I said it with a hint of testing her.
Nam Eun-ju seemed a little relieved, but she couldn't quite hide her anxiety to the end.
She clearly had no intention of betraying us. Then again, there was nothing to betray us for in the current situation. I decided I needed to find Nam Eun-ju her place a little sooner. Honestly, looking at talent alone, cutting her loose would have been the right call — but for the sake of our image, and for the future, Nam Eun-ju could become a symbolic figure.
So even if I gave her a different role, abandoning her was not on the table.
Only after I had eased the uneasy atmosphere among the party to some degree could I bring up entering the eleventh floor.
"Fortunately, you're not too late."
"When will the next team arrive?"
"The leading party besides yours just entered the dungeon. It's not a particularly difficult one, so they should clear it within five days."
Five days. That was enough.
Enough time to occupy the key strongholds.
There had been a reason I'd used shock therapy to break in that side of Na-yeon's personality not long ago. The higher you climbed the Tower, the higher the concentration of garbage, and it was not a place where you could always act morally and justly.
At the same time, I hadn't broken that side of her completely — because the Tower could not be allowed to become that kind of place.
Think of the first life. Until I went, no one had headed for Earth, and the ones who remained in the Tower were all garbage who chased plunder and their own pleasure.
How was I supposed to save Earth with people like that?
So the Tower's population needed to be flushed out, and the balance reset.
Wiping out every last Outlaw was impossible. But I could reduce their numbers, and Outlaws whose power had been weakened could serve as motivation for the trainees.
Letting people know exactly how the Outlaws behaved — making them feel the threat to their chastity or their lives, stoking their will to train — or capturing Outlaws and using them as slaves. They had all sorts of uses.
And the stretch from the eleventh to the twentieth floor was one of the spaces where those Outlaws had run most rampant — and the stretch where the most trainees had died.
I intended to change that future.
"Then we'll move immediately."
"Do so. I wish you fortune in battle."
With a casual gesture, Epathos created a portal before us.
"Just walk through."
"Thank you."
"Mm."
A light farewell. Knowing we would see each other again, there was no need for a dramatic goodbye.
This second life will be different.
I etched the importance of this Labyrinth into my mind once more, and stepped toward the eleventh floor.