Chapter 108
Chapter 108
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 108
Chapter Title: Between Love and Resentment (1)
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Dazed.
My head felt blank. Like my brain was floating aimlessly in water. Or wait, wasn't the brain always floating in fluid anyway? Whatever.
My mind was a total mess. Thoughts tangled up like hair clumped in a drain. And the cause? It was in my chest. Emotions welling up from there soaked my reason, thick and sticky like sewage backing up from the pipes.
Sadness.
Resentment.
Grief.
Injustice.
Dark feelings I'd never had a chance to harbor before dragged me down like the bottomless depths of a swamp.
It was all because of Su-ho oppa. These emotions had surged because Su-ho oppa said something so absurd right in front of me.
"Why..."
That Ji Ye-won is just as precious to you as I am? You can't choose? You don't want to abandon either one? Does that even make sense? In this fabricated world, you and I are the only real ones! What's there to agonize over?
My own aggrieved voice echoed endlessly in my head.
I hated oppa.
I hated him for not declaring he'd choose me. For not saying he loved only me. For trying to have his cake and eat it too the moment I confessed. I resented him so much.
But I loved him even more. And that made it hurt all the worse.
Three times.
Oppa had saved me three times. Risked his life three times to save mine. Those three rescues turned my feelings blind. Love. And dependence. That was the true nature of what I felt for Su-ho oppa.
Yes. Blind love.
Blind dependence.
In this world where I had no one to rely on, my life had been threatened countless times already. And every time, Su-ho oppa had come to my rescue.
The result? A massive love in my heart, matched by an equally heavy dependence and obsession. They were my emotions, so I could declare it with such certainty.
I hated oppa.
But I loved him.
So I wanted him by my side.
I wanted to be the only one next to oppa.
I wanted him all to myself, not to share with anyone. I wanted him to look only at me. To save only me. To love only me.
"Of course."
I had no one but oppa, so how could I bear the thought of someone else in his life? I just couldn't endure it.
"Hic."
I clutched my pillow like I was tearing it apart and sobbed silently.
My head was a wreck, but paradoxically, that let me look at myself objectively. I was a woman with strong possessiveness, surprisingly. Obsessive, even. I'd never thought that was my personality before. It must have changed after coming to this world.
I wanted oppa to love me completely, just as I loved him wholly. But oppa had someone else precious to him besides me.
The woman named Ji Ye-won, the first person in this world he'd opened his heart to.
-Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
In the hushed hospital room, only the clock's second hand clicked softly. In that silence, I thought.
...It wasn't all pure sadness, really.
When oppa accepted my confession. When he said he loved me too, how happy was I? That joy still lingered in a corner of my heart. Sure, the grief overshadowed it, but joy was joy all the same.
Even now, thinking back made a smile tug at my lips. After all, it meant my feelings had reached him.
But Ji Ye-won. That woman's existence wouldn't let the smile last. Yeah, she was the problem. The whole problem.
If Ji Ye-won didn't exist. If only that extra who never even got a name in the original story didn't exist, I wouldn't feel this pain.
It could've been like a fairy tale. The princess rescued by the prince confesses her love, and they live happily ever after. Smooth, no obstacles, just endless happiness. If only Ji Ye-won didn't exist.
Still, though I resented Ji Ye-won, I couldn't resent her blindly. Of course, I hated her. That's what my heart said.
But rationally, I understood oppa's feelings.
To oppa, Ji Ye-won held a position similar to what oppa held for me. The first person in this world he'd opened up to. The first he could show his true self to. Naturally, she'd be precious. Just as oppa was to me, Ji Ye-won must be to him.
I understood that with my head. It was just my heart that couldn't accept it.
"Enough."
The more I thought, the more my mind sank into black sludge. I forced my thoughts elsewhere. I turned my gaze to the window. The sun was already high in the sky.
Yeah. My body's fine, so I should go to class. Finals are coming up. Need to prep notes. And find out what happened during those two days I was kidnapped. Come to think of it, didn't they say Ryu Tae-hyun came along when he rescued me? Maybe I can get school updates from him.
A whirlwind of thoughts raced through my mind.
But.
"...Ha."
Suddenly, it all felt pointless.
Finals, the academy—what did it matter when it was all fake anyway? In a world full of fakes, the one real thing won't look only at me. What's the use?
"Oppa..."
I missed Su-ho oppa. Missed him like crazy. On impulse, I grabbed the smartphone on the bedside table.
But I quickly gave up on calling. Regret tinged my fingertips, now with nowhere to go.
After chasing him away like that, how could I have the nerve to contact him first? And what would I even say?
That I want to see him right now? Sure, easy to say.
But after meeting? Once the momentary loneliness fades, what then? Face the reality that oppa won't choose only me? The anxiety that he might not pick me at all—could I bear it?
No, I couldn't.
That's why I drove him away at dawn. Meeting again would just repeat that.
But the current situation was just as unbearable.
When alone, emotions turn inward. All my tangled feelings for oppa swirled inside without outlet, making me dizzy and suffocated.
Suffocating. Yeah. I wanted to vent to anyone. To be comforted. To hear it's okay, you're not wrong, I get it all.
If only Su-ho oppa were here right now. But he's not. And I can't call him.
Then maybe call someone else?
A bitter smile curled my lips at the thought. Someone else? Where's another "person" in this world besides oppa?
Three months since possessing this world. I'd built some relationships with the novel's characters. If asked if I had friends, I could name a few.
But they were all fake anyway. Laughing and chatting on the surface, but turning away, I'd think: They're all fake. And subconsciously keep my distance.
Su-ho oppa said even in this created world, they were real.
I understood what he meant. Logically, at least. Like how I couldn't accept Ji Ye-won, I could grasp his words but not feel them.
It was inevitable. Unlike oppa, who tried to live proactively in this world, my first instinct after possessing was to run. Trying to escape the original story's Greenhouse Academy stage—full of crises—through withdrawal.
How could someone like me grow attached to this world? Let alone accept it as real.
In the end, no one to vent this frustration to. I bit my lip hard, smartphone in hand. The metallic taste of blood.
"..."
For a fleeting moment, I considered calling oppa to apologize.
But whether from grief, resentment, or petty pride, I couldn't.
"Let's just get out of here."
After agonizing a bit, I decided. Head back to the dorm room. My body's fine; no point lingering in the infirmary.
Go back, shower with hot water to refresh, then crash.
Might ease this heavy mood a little.
Maybe, just maybe, an answer to this impasse would come.
I packed up and left the infirmary. The front desk staff stopped me briefly but let me go easily. Looked like everything was already sorted without me knowing.
And so I returned to my dorm room. Stripped immediately and showered for the first time in three days with warm water. The refreshing feel of sweat and grime washing away let me forget my worries for a moment.
After showering, I flopped straight into bed. Classes were scheduled, but whatever. I'd been up since dawn in the infirmary; they'd have handled attendance with the Security Force or whoever. Or what did it matter? Skipping one day wouldn't get me fired.
No, wait—do I even care about getting fired anymore?
"...Haa."
I pulled the blanket over my head against the sticky negative thoughts clinging to my brain. Staying awake just brought more bad ideas.
Sleep first.
Think again with a clear head after waking.
With that, I closed my eyes. Luckily, fatigue hadn't fully left; I fell asleep right away.
"............Haa."
But what problem in the world solves itself with a short nap?
I woke around evening as the sun dipped low, still in that glum mood, letting out a deep sigh. At least the fatigue was gone; I felt refreshed.
I checked my smartphone by the bed. Three missed calls: two from Ryu Tae-hyun, one from Professor Do So-young.
Nothing from oppa.
-Pssht.
When I came to, a cold beer can was in my hand. Feeling suffocated, I thought booze might help. Luckily, the fridge had plenty for one person to get wasted. No need to go out.
I sat on the bed and chugged it. Emptied the can in one go like quenching a desperate thirst. The carbonation stung my throat, tears pricking my eyes.
"Haa."
I let out a deep sigh. A faint alcoholic bitterness rose.
"..."
But my mood didn't improve a bit.
Yeah. Guess I needed more booze. A superhuman wouldn't get drunk on one beer anyway.
I grabbed the next can from the fridge. No—all the booze in there. The table filled with liquor in seconds.
-Pssht.
I cracked open the next one right away. No snacks. Poured alcohol into my empty stomach mechanically. Trying to drown this frustration, I just kept drinking, endlessly.
Until the sunset faded and full night fell.
To escape the reality I didn't want to face, I drank and drank some more.