The Burden of the Unseen
After finishing the meal, we boarded the limousine. Eri sat by the window, silent. The girl who had been tearing into her lobster with such ferocity only moments ago was now just blankly staring out at the passing scenery. ‘Is she sleepy because she’s full? Or is it…’
Her profile looked strangely familiar. It was a look I felt like I’d seen somewhere in my past life… ‘Who was it? One of the residents…?’ I pondered Erika’s state while gazing out the opposite window. The limousine left Civitas Square and began the ascent toward Sanctum Hill.
At that same moment, Erika’s mind was a chaotic whirlwind. She had woken up in a noble’s annex, witnessed a transaction involving an absurd amount of money, and filled her stomach with an overwhelming abundance she had never even imagined. Everything she had experienced today felt like a dream. But in that dreamlike space, the butler’s questions regarding her "qualifications" had been enough to drag her back to reality.
‘Now I think I know why Uncle Tao acted that way.’
The undisputed ruler of the red-light district, the Wangcho—Tao Chen. You cannot conquer such a place with just your fists. The slums, where the dregs of life gathered, were always filled with malice that defied imagination. Therefore, becoming the master of a street in such a region meant possessing a corresponding level of dignity and malice. That was why Erika knew. She knew just how shrewd, cunning, and—if necessary—cruel that man, who always wore a goofy grin in front of Julian, could truly be.
And the people of the red-light district remembered. That day, during the height of the heavy snowfall, the story that the Wangcho had spread as a warning.
During the peak of the winter snowstorms, a mid-level lieutenant of the Scard Hyena was caught secretly selling drugs in Smoke Alley. The problem was that the drugs he had touched belonged to the business of another organization.
Limbus Pit was divided into territories, each the "rice bowl" of a local boss. The Wangcho’sScard Hyena controlled prostitution and the slaughterhouses, which was why they ruled the red-light district. Drugs, however, were the territory of the organization in Smoke Alley. If you touched someone else’s rice bowl, you lost your wrists. That was the rule of this gutter.
The lieutenant’s actions could have easily sparked a war. But the Wangcho didn’t scold him. Instead, he invited the man to dinner. As the meal drew to a close, the Wangcho chewed his last piece of meat and spoke nonchalantly.
"I can understand why you’d touch their drug business. People get greedy when they’re trying to survive. I’m the same way."
He wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I’ve already talked to the master of Smoke Alley. It won’t be a big problem."
The lieutenant’s face brightened. A sense of relief—I’m alive—washed over him. But that was the extent of the Wangcho’s kindness.
"But you… you were planning to push those drugs onto the children, weren’t you?"
"P-pardon? W-well, the kids carry around pocket change… I thought if I sold it cheap and got them addicted, they’d be long-term customers… and it was like that in the old days, too…"
"Haa." The Wangcho cut him off with a deep sigh. It was a sigh mixed with irritation. "Look. It’s snowing hard outside. Do you know who comes back when this snow stops?"
"W-who…"
"…Tsk. You don’t need to know. You don’t need to know anything."
The Wangcho’s voice, once kind, was now laced with annoyance. He gripped his knife in a reverse hold and scratched the table nervously. "Then do you remember the rule I changed last year? What was it?"
"Now… we… do not let children… work in the brothels… sir. Even if it’s just chores…"
"Have you ever thought about the intention behind why I set that rule?"
"…."
"Think about it! Why would I set that rule! Huh? If He were to see the children in the district I manage, drooling and wasted on drugs… Huh? Huh! HUH!!"
"…."
"Are you trying to get me killed?!"
CRUNCH! The Wangcho’s knife buried itself into the back of the lieutenant’s hand.
"…!"
"Drag him out!"
Before the lieutenant could even scream, he was dragged away, the knife still embedded in his hand. The next day, he was found hanging upside down at the entrance of the slaughterhouse, his flesh carved away, piece by piece, matching the weight of the gold coins he had earned from selling drugs to the children. A few days later, as soon as the snow stopped, the corpse wasn’t even buried; it was fed directly into the gears. The scraps were flushed into the sewers, leaving not even a tombstone behind.
From that day on, one absolute rule was etched into the minds of everyone in Limbus Pit: Do not touch the children. Drugs or otherwise.
Erika knew that rule all too well. It was the rule that had saved her life when she was called the vampire’s bastard. The lieutenant had been a fool, but the people of the red-light district understood the nuance of the rule: Whatever you do, don’t touch the kids. Because of that, even though people considered Erika ominous, they never laid a hand on her. Was it because they feared the vampire’s retaliation? No. It was because they feared the wrath of the master of the red-light district. Furthermore, they feared the mysterious "He" whom the master of the red-light district himself feared.
Thanks to that, Erika, who had been hiding, had been able to move about at night for the past year. But Erika herself had known nothing about the "He" who protected her. Until a few days ago.
‘That was Teacher.’
Erika felt all the pieces falling into place now. It wasn’t the Wangcho who had changed the rules. Director Schnabel had made the rules, and the Wangcho had simply followed them. Why? It couldn’t just be because Director Schnabel was a big spender who used the Wangcho’s slaughterhouse. ‘With Teacher’s daily income…’ A person like that could easily buy the Wangcho’s life.
‘No, he wouldn’t even need to buy it.’ If you were a noble, you could hunt commoners and get away with a small fine. No matter how much the Wangcho was the master of the red-light district, to a noble from Sanctum Hill, he was just an ant crawling by.
— A dog doesn’t need to question the food that lands in its bowl.
She finally understood the meaning of the words the Wangcho always repeated. If you just breathed quietly by his side, the honey would fall. But if you got greedy for no reason, you might end up as a "John Doe" floating in the sewer the next day. She finally understood why that cruel man, Tao Chen, acted like a dog with its belly exposed in front of this man. Loyalty was born from fear. Only after understanding these things did her broken sense of reality begin to return.
‘A person like that took me on as an assistant?’ A chill ran down her spine. At first, she thought it was a lifeline. A lifeline that could get her out of the gutter. But now, that lifeline looked like a noose.
‘Then where am I right now?’ Erika looked down at her hands. A sense of superiority from suddenly granted power? That was a feeling you could only enjoy when you knew how to wield it properly. This was like telling a child to swing a greatsword. And if you swung that greatsword wrong, it could cut your own body in two.
‘If I make a mistake, will this person… like the Wangcho did to that lieutenant…’
There was a saying: A rope made of gold is also good for hanging yourself. It was the saying that best described her current situation. The rope pulling her up was shaped perfectly for putting around her neck. And if that saying held true, the price for her mistake might not end at the slaughterhouse. No, it could be even more dangerous than that. The higher you fly, the more terrible the end that awaits you.
It was just as her breath was catching in her throat from those thoughts.
"You’ll get indigestion."
Suddenly, Julian’s voice cut into her consciousness. With a feeling of her heart dropping, Erika jerked her head around.
"W-what?"
"Why are you suddenly using formal speech?"
"I-I’ll do it just for today. So, what is it?"
"…Your expression didn’t look good. You were eating so fast, I thought you were in a hurry."
Julian rested his chin on his hand, looking out the window nonchalantly. "Eat slowly from now on. The food isn’t going to run away."
For a moment, goosebumps rose on Erika’s back. The words she had just been thinking about—the words the Wangcho had said to the purged lieutenant—echoed in her ears.
[People get greedy when they’re trying to survive.]
Her own appearance, greedily devouring the lobster without knowing her place. Had this man seen that filthy appetite as a greed unbecoming of a noble? Erika hurriedly bowed her head.
"…I-I’m sorry. I won’t… be greedy ever again."
"…It wasn’t something to react that strongly to."
Erika replied in a voice that was barely a whisper. Julian’s retort didn’t reach her ears. No, even Julian’s ordinary response sounded like a warning that she didn’t belong in this space. And the fear that she could be discarded at any moment tightened around her heart.
That was when it happened. Julian unexpectedly slipped into the gaps of her consciousness.
"Come to think of it, I was like that once, too."
"Yes…?"
Julian’s gaze remained fixed outside the window. The gas lamps of Sanctum Hill were beginning to flicker on one by one. That soft light cast shadows across Julian’s face.
"I am an adopted son of this family. I’m not now, but there was a time when I was a foreign object in this house."
Erika’s eyes widened. It was something she never could have imagined. Judging by the treatment he received at the mansion or the butler’s attitude at the restaurant, she could only imagine he was a biological child.
"Everyone else was laughing and chatting elegantly, but I felt like I was the only one floating. Like someone could replace my spot at any moment."
Julian turned to look at Erika with a faint smile. "When I first rode in a fancy car like this, my breath caught in my throat, too."
"Teacher… you had an experience like that, too?"
"Of course. How could I not know the sorrow of a stone that rolled in?"
Julian shrugged. His gray eyes held a playful, yet somehow bitter light. "The more I felt that way, the more I needed someone to tell me why I had to be here."
"…."
Julian tapped his fingers against the window frame. "If you don’t know why you’re here, you get exhausted quickly. You wear yourself out watching everyone else’s eyes."
Erika bit her lip. That was exactly her current state.
"So, let’s make it clear."
Julian’s half-closed eyes looked at Erika. It was a gaze that was warm, yet felt filled with a certain longing. "Why do you think you became my assistant?"
"Uh… because you could feel a strange energy inside my body?"
"That’s right. That’s one reason."
Julian nodded. He held up one finger, then held up a second. "But there’s another reason. You survived in Limbus Pit."
"Why does that…."
"If you only stay in high places, you can’t see what’s under your feet."
"…."
"If you don’t know what’s under your feet, you’re bound to slip someday."
Julian let out a shallow yawn. "I’m the type of person who isn’t satisfied unless I check where my feet are stepping."
Erika chewed on those words. Look under your feet. She understood that much. But why her, of all people?
"…So, is that why you need me?"
Erika was surprised by her own words. Julian turned his head. His half-closed eyes looked at her. "To see what’s under your feet, you need eyes that grew up under your feet."
Julian replied in a calm voice. "Eyes raised in Sanctum Hill can’t see Limbus Pit. It’s the same for the Wangcho. That man has already climbed too high."
Julian turned his gaze back out the window. "But you’re different. You survived there."
Erika stared at him blankly. The fact that she had grown up there. That she had licked blood off the slaughterhouse floor to survive. That she had trembled beside a rat fire to stay warm through the night. Was all that shameful past of value to this person?
"…Is that useful?"
"Of course." Julian chuckled. "Our clinic wouldn’t run without you now. And you have value in yourself. You found the malaria in that patient last time. Do you think the Wangcho could have done that?"
Erika couldn’t answer. Something hot surged up from the depths of her chest. Until now, her existence had always been a curse. The vampire’s bastard. A monster that craved blood. Something filthy. An existence that shouldn’t be. An existence that should disappear. But this person denied all of that. He said it wasn’t a disease, but a talent. He said it wasn’t out of pity or sympathy, but because he needed her.
‘Ah.’
Only then did she understand the old butler’s words. It hadn’t been a test of her qualifications. [If the clothes are too big, you just have to grow your body to fit them.] [You just need to try until they fit.] It meant it was okay if she didn’t fit right now, and that she just needed to try until she did. And it also meant that she had the right to make that effort.
"…I understand," Erika said quietly. "I just need to look under your feet instead of you."
Julian looked at her for a moment. Then he shrugged. "Right. So, I’ll give you your second task."
Julian pointed at her. "Don’t suddenly use formal speech and watch your step. What I want is a partner. Not a servant."
For a moment, Erika’s heart pounded. She had been acknowledged. To her, who had nothing, this massive existence had granted her qualifications. The weight of it was so heavy, yet at the same time so warm, that Erika bit her lip hard without realizing it.
"…Yes, no, I got it."
Erika forced herself to use her usual tone. She couldn’t hide the slight tremor at the end of her voice, but that was something she could fix over time. "If you trip, Teacher, I’ll be the first one to catch you. I know the floor of Limbus Pit even with my eyes closed."
"Good. That’s good to see."
Julian chuckled. Then, leaning against the window, he closed his eyes and muttered softly, "Tell me whenever you doubt why you’re here. I’ll tell you anytime."
Soon, Julian crossed his arms and drifted off to sleep. The inside of the limousine was enveloped in silence. Erika looked out the window quietly. The distant sky above the smog was still beyond her imagination. She didn’t even know if she was allowed to fly anywhere near a place like that. She didn’t know if she was allowed to aspire to it, even less. But she wasn’t afraid anymore. Because she finally felt she knew what this man wanted from her. The moment she was able to understand, and the moment she was understood, it was no longer an object of fear.
***
Overcome by food coma, I closed my eyes in the car and thought, ‘Why is she worrying about something like that?’ I had thought Eri was feeling intimidated, but after talking to her, I realized she really was. No wonder she hadn’t been eating properly, unlike when she first entered the buffet.
‘Where did I see that look?’ It was similar to the symptoms I saw in medical students and residents back in the day. In slang, we call it "altitude sickness"—a symptom that appears when the world you live in suddenly changes. It’s not that the world you live in actually changes, but because there are so many talented people around you, you feel intimidated. Especially when you join the ranks right after the college entrance exams, you feel so insignificant.
‘Or not? Was it just me?’ Maybe it was because I was from a dirt-spoon background that I felt it more. And when these thoughts become severe, it manifests as "Imposter Syndrome." It’s a symptom that appears frequently, especially in residents or graduate students. Who am I? Where am I? It can be summarized by this one sentence.
They feel anxious, thinking they’re deceiving others, and feel like they’re being evaluated higher than their actual ability. ‘Then, before they make a huge mistake and their lack of ability is exposed, they want to run away.’ It’s not for nothing that protagonists in "misunderstanding" stories aim for escape.
If you don’t resolve this Imposter Syndrome in time, you fall into a vicious cycle. Everyone else seems to be doing well, but you, the protagonist of a misunderstanding story who only relies on luck, feel like you can’t do that. Since you don’t trust your own ability, you actually make more mistakes no matter what you do, and the more that happens, the more unnecessary effort you put in, which actually lowers your work efficiency, and eventually, you hit burnout and try to avoid work.
‘There was a resident who ran away because of that.’ When I was a fellow in my past life, a resident joined the surgery department. He thought he’d gotten into surgery because he was lucky, and then he started making more mistakes. I saw my own fledgling days in him, so I often took care of him from the side. And then, what do you know? One day, that guy suddenly ran away without a word. The memories of chasing him all the way to Tsushima Island, buying him sushi there, and sitting him back in the operating room come back to me vividly.
Chun-sik. Are you living well? …Come to think of it, to him, I must have been the Tower Master trying to put a leash on him. Wow! Chun-sik’s misunderstanding story! Perfect!
Enough of that. ‘Phew. I can’t go chasing people here, too.’ Maybe the original Erika had an escape event. But I don’t want to experience that. I want to use only the advantages of the misunderstanding genre; I don’t want to reproduce the original story. And for this, I have to constantly remind her that Erika is here because of her ability, not luck. In short, if a Joker, Batman, or Two-Face lives next door, I have to keep telling her that she can be a Scarecrow, too.
‘Eri. You’re exactly that level.’ You’re as precious as insulin, colchicine, and quinine. The talent of a mage isn’t that common. You’re roughly equivalent to the hospital’s latest MRI machine. In that sense, I couldn’t understand Erika’s reaction.
‘Well, if this is a characteristic of a misunderstanding story, I understand.’ A staple of the genre: there’s always a raw gem nearby who thinks lowly of their own value. It’s a plot device that exists because the protagonist has to discover it and live an easy life. If you think of it that way, this level of lip service was nothing to me.
Isn’t it the protagonist’s duty to cut a raw gem and turn it into a jewel? ‘She couldn’t even eat much because she was intimidated today.’ I thought I should take her to a buffet again next time and make her eat a ton. Or maybe it would be good to rent out an entire restaurant so she can eat without worrying about what others think.
***
Before I knew it, the engine vibrations of the limousine softened smoothly. As the car stopped, Erika, who had entrusted her body to a brief slumber, opened her eyes. The magnificent mansion came into view. The limousine door opened. Julian stepped out first, and Erika followed behind him. Following Julian as he walked toward the mansion, she muttered under her breath.
"…Thank you."
Julian didn’t hear it. Or even if he had, he would have brushed it off as nothing. That night, Erika fell asleep in the annex for the first time without a nightmare. The down duvet was impossibly soft.