The Imposter Syndrome of the Beetle Prince
Imposter syndrome. It’s a psychological phenomenon that many medical residents experience, and one that Eri once suffered from. It refers to the state where, despite achieving high levels of success, one dismisses those accomplishments as overestimations and devalues oneself. To put it more simply, it’s a state of mind where one attributes their success to luck rather than effort. It appears quite frequently in people who have experienced a sudden rise in social status.
I’ve had that experience, too. Back when I finished my residency and became a fellow. As my years of experience piled up and my position as a professor became all but guaranteed, the way I was treated within the hospital changed overnight. If I had to express my state of mind at the time in a single sentence, it would be this: "Who am I? Where am I?"
And now, having transmigrated into a different world, I was reminded of that feeling for the first time in a long while.
'Excuse me? Who did you say you were?'
To put it in terms doctors would easily understand, it felt like I had been bracing myself to meet the Dean, only to have Hippocrates himself show up instead. I almost broke character and asked him who he was again.
'Not that I’m asking if I hate it.'
First, let me make one thing clear: I don’t dislike success. In fact, I’ve been orchestrating these events precisely to achieve it. I created quinine and extracted insulin to enjoy wealth and glory, all while raising my profile. I had already braced myself for the fact that if I stood out too much, someone powerful would eventually try to fasten a flashy leash around my neck. That is the fate assigned to the protagonist of a "misunderstanding" story in this world.
If I was going to be leashed anyway, I simply chose the one that was gilded in gold.
'If I’m going to be a slave no matter what I do, it’s better to be a winning slave than a defeated one.'
That’s why I’ve been operating with the intention of squeezing out as much money and fame as possible before the "Master" who would hold my leash appeared. However...
'But this is too sudden.'
Even so, isn't there supposed to be a reasonable slope on the road to success? Having the pinnacle of the magical world suddenly try to put a leash on me feels like a cliff. Usually, things like this happen in the latter half, or at the earliest, the middle of the story. For me, not even an adult yet, to receive such an offer felt a bit too premature.
'What on earth does this old man see in me to do this?'
Where exactly did this misunderstanding begin? Judging by my experience so far, it didn't seem like the misunderstanding would be cleared up, but I was still curious, so I asked.
"Why, of all people, are you trying to take me as your disciple?"
"Didn't I say? I’ve fallen for your ideas and creativity."
"But I am an alchemist. I don't have even a shred of talent as a mage."
"Hmm. You seem to be the type who doesn't believe in yourself. Tsk tsk. Why are those with talent always like this? Polishing such a raw gemstone is one of the few joys left in my twilight years, though."
"?"
Archmage Louis lifted his teacup.
"I will tell you why you should believe in yourself. First, it is because you do not fear failure."
That’s only because I know I’m the protagonist and I’ve already seen the results. I don’t have the heart of a beast to jump blindly into research that will fail. I only touch research that is guaranteed to succeed. But to Louis and others, it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to see me as a person of great perseverance.
"Second, you possess a nature that knows how to embrace the mistakes of others. That is a virtue hard to find in the young mages of these days."
That’s because of my experience in my past life. When you work with residents, you naturally learn to view their mistakes as cute. Once you learn that, you stop feeling disappointed. You don't expect much from the start, anyway. Additionally, I learned how to clean up after my juniors' mistakes. The reason I forgave Department Head Shen was for the same reason. He stole silver coins that I didn't care about losing, so there was nothing to be hurt by. That’s why I forgave him.
"Third. You did not turn your eyes away from the filthy. Seeking wisdom even in the taboo of dark magic is a quality that a mage ought to possess."
That’s because I’m a doctor from the 21st century. In the 21st century, the line between medicine and poison wasn't always clearly classified. Every poison could be a medicine depending on the dosage, and conversely, medicine could be poison. Even the concept of a vaccine is, strictly speaking, injecting a weakened pathogen, right? Depending on your perspective, if managed poorly, it could be a dangerous act that triggers a pandemic. Still, the utility of the vaccine was greater, so I just administered it.
"And the most important fourth point. You do not overlook elements that can be missed in daily life. Discovering the symptoms caused by lead was possible because you have such a broad perspective. This is an innate talent. It is a talent more necessary for a mage than anything else."
The last one is definitely a misunderstanding. I would acknowledge it if I had discovered it through my own observation. But in reality, I just brought knowledge from my past life and am speaking as if I discovered it myself. I never observed it carefully, nor did I organize and research it. I just took the knowledge of the scholars who came before me for free. Therefore, I was in a position where I absolutely shouldn't be misunderstood. The moment I mistake this for my own knowledge, my lack of substance could be exposed in no time.
"No, sir. I am merely standing on the shoulders of giants. Even if I am looking down at the world, the fact that I myself am a dwarf remains unchanged."
"Hmm. Even an attitude of guarding against arrogance. Indeed, you have sufficient qualifications to be a mage."
However, my sincerity didn't seem to reach the Great Sage. Of course, being a Great Sage, he was piercing the essence, but it was slightly off due to the subtle misunderstanding. As expected. Because it’s a "misunderstanding" story, even if I explain, it doesn't get cleared up. In the end, I decided to accept my fate. However, for the sake of my character, I played hard to get one last time.
"I apologize, sir. But I do not have the sense to observe my surroundings. It is my fate that I cannot become a mage."
"I know that. I have been changing the conditions ever since I entered the room. Other mages would have gotten angry, saying it was distracting, but you didn't seem to notice."
Sigh. As expected of a Great Sage who has lived for a thousand years. He knew everything without me saying a word.
"It didn't matter if you didn't have the talent of a mage anyway. I wasn't asking you to become a mage. Do you remember my proposal?"
"It was to become your disciple."
"Right. I said to become a disciple, I didn't say to walk the path I walked."
"Then..."
"You may continue to walk the path of alchemy. I only wish to lend you my wisdom. I am curious to see what new horizons you will open."
The one-eyed old man smiled broadly. There was no logical way out. There was no reason to refuse here, either. In fact, it was a situation where I should have accepted it readily.
"I understand, sir."
"Good. Then I will come here every week. Each time, I will teach you the knowledge you need."
"Am I not going to the Imperial Palace or the Magic Tower?"
"Haha. My friend. I fell for your free-spirited ideas. What I want to see is a bird soaring through the sky, not a bird trapped in a cage. I will let you visit if necessary, but it doesn't seem like you want that, does it?"
I nodded at the old man's words. There is still so much left to study in Limbus Pit. I haven't even regained all my skills from my past life yet. It was too early to advance to the Imperial Palace or the Magic Tower. Fortunately, I was able to avoid being thrown into the world without preparation.
However, there was one unexpected point.
'I was prepared for a "leash" event.'
But contrary to my expectations, the Great Sage was a person with free-spirited thinking that didn't fit the era. No, wait. If you’ve lived for a thousand years, is it more accurate to have this kind of flexible thinking?
'Then, in the original work, I wasn't a character tied to the Magic Tower?'
Perhaps I had been misunderstanding. Maybe the "Master" holding my leash wasn't the Magic Tower. Then, was the original work about some Grand Duke or Imperial family member holding my leash?
'Or maybe it's because I'm not an adult yet.'
For adults, there are legal leash systems like being a graduate student or a lifetime chancellor, but putting a leash on a child who hasn't grown up yet is child abuse. Perhaps that’s why my leash is being postponed. Not that that would be the case in this world where children's human rights are scarce.
As I was thinking such trivial thoughts, Archmage Louis stood up.
"Right. Now, let's change how we address each other. Since we are master and disciple, may I call you by your name?"
"That is fine, Master."
"Good. Do you need me to use my name? If you wish, I can even announce it to the whole country."
I pondered the Master's proposal for a moment but immediately shook my head. Excessive attention is poison. Especially if you don't have the capacity to digest it. My current level wasn't mature enough to digest the Master's name. To be called a direct disciple of Louis, you’d have to be one of the 13 Magic Tower Masters or the Imperial direct Archmages. I was still far too lacking to stand on equal footing with them. Of course, there was another reason.
'For some reason, keeping it a secret seems more fun.'
It turns out that the guy known as the "Cooking King" didn't wear a headband and hide his identity for no reason. Keeping it a secret and revealing it later actually looked like fun.
I planned to keep this a secret from my family, as well as Eri and Wangcho. Secrets are best kept when fewer people know them.
"Then, next time, should I come to your laboratory instead of the clinic?"
"Yes. Would it be alright if I see you after my clinic hours?"
"Let's do that."
"I will give you the key."
"No need. Who do you think I am?"
"..."
The Father of Magic, declaring he would trespass with such confidence. His attitude was so bold that I was left speechless. Since he was an 8th-class mage, I couldn't even scold him not to do it.
"I understand, Master. I will be there on time."
"Good. Then, have a good clinic session today, Julian."
"Ah, before that."
I called out to the Master, who was about to leave the clinic.
"You must take your medicine."
Regardless of that, I had to treat what needed treating.
The highest point of Sanctum Hill. The Magic Tower, where one can overlook the entire capital of the Empire. The only place in the entire Empire where one is permitted to look down upon the world from the same height as the Emperor.
Great Sage Louis Adelhart sat on the edge of his workshop desk.
"..."
The Great Sage stared quietly at the small glass bottle resting on his palm. Pale moonlight from the open window illuminated the bottle. Inside the glass bottle was a thick, murky light-brown liquid. If he turned his head, several bottles containing similar liquids were displayed on the desk. They were all medicines made by the disciple he had taken in today.
— "Master, you are currently in a state of chronic lead poisoning. It is difficult to treat immediately, and you have no choice but to take this medicine consistently."
At the time, the Sage who received the medicine bottle asked about its principle. To some, 1+1=2 was an obvious truth, but the Sage had to reveal the principle to be satisfied. Thanks to that temperament, he was able to change the concept of magic, which had remained in folk belief, into the realm of academia, and thanks to that curiosity, he had been able to maintain the title of Sage until now, so the Sage did not feel ashamed to ask his disciple questions. And Julian welcomed Louis's questions.
— "Lead sticks firmly to the bones and nerves in the body, so it could not be expelled with ordinary magic or antidotes. However, I discovered that when this medicine is used, the ingredients tightly bind to the lead in the body and make it pass out through urine."
— "Where did you discover such knowledge?"
— "E-Sector. There was a lead leak accident in Smoke Alley. I was able to tell by seeing that among the workers there, only the beastmen's symptoms were mild. That culture often eats duck eggs or garlic dishes."
At the time, there was no trace of disappointment in Julian's eyes as he answered Louis's question. Rather, he was admiring. He wasn't disappointed or looking down on the fact that the Sage didn't know; he seemed surprised by the fact that he accurately recognized that ignorance. 'Realizing how important it is to know what you don't know...'
At some point, the Great Sage had stopped asking his disciples questions. It was an era where ignorance became a shame. Because the Great Sage had to know everything. It was an era where the master had to be superior to the disciples in every aspect, and the moment one was lacking, their prestige would be tarnished. Surely, the attitude toward academia that the Great Sage had preached wasn't like this.
'But that child was different.'
But Julian was different. He welcomed the Master's questions and admired his wisdom, not his knowledge. Just as the Great Sage had admired Julian's attitude. And thanks to that attitude, Julian knew knowledge that the Great Sage did not know.
"Chelate... Chelate, he said, I believe."
Louis let out a dry laugh and clenched and unclenched his trembling right hand. He had been suppressing the dying nerves with mana, but he couldn't perfectly control the fine tremors. In fact, Louis himself had known for a long time that something was wrong with his body. For a long time, the catalyst he touched the most while researching countless magical tools and formation circles was lead. Because there was no insulator as perfect as lead for suppressing the flow of mana and trapping the vibrations of the soul. When using spirit or summoning magic, lead was an indispensable catalyst. Mages vaguely knew that lead slowly gnawed away at a person's blood and mind. But they dismissed it. It was because of the arrogance that mana would protect their bodies. Louis was no exception. For nearly a thousand years, he had handled lead with his bare hands and inhaled the smoke of melted lead while exploring the truths of magic. The result was this trembling wrist and the terrible headaches that came occasionally. Even this was only because his rank was high that the symptoms appeared recently. Other mages would often use a method of cutting off their wrists and regrowing them with holy magic when such symptoms appeared. It was a method the Great Sage had used occasionally.
'To think there was a treatment method like this.'
Discovering it by observing daily life. Thinking about it, I heard he found out about quinine and insulin in a similar way. Louis's lips curled up. How many years had it been? Seeing someone who doesn't pass by the obvious as obvious. He had always taken only such people as his direct disciples. Thanks to that picky nature, the lineage of his last disciple had been cut off 50 years ago.
'The Emperor will be pleased.'
Louis opened the medicine bottle and swallowed the powdered liquid and pills inside. Louis frowned for a moment at the terrible bitter taste. But he was barely able to swallow the supplements. He heard that after using the medicine Julian prescribed, he must take these supplements.
'The name of that medicine...'
Dimer... what did he say? Dimercapital? Dimercaprol? He couldn't remember well. It was because it was an unfamiliar name. Perhaps it was because his head had become dull due to the lead. But it didn't matter. Because he could just ask his disciple again in a few days. Rather, his heart fluttered at the thought that he might be able to ask other questions based on this.
'To think the one I discovered in my twilight years is a disciple with not a single shred of mage talent.'
He didn't know if it was a prank of fate or God's arrangement. But one thing was certain: his steps toward that shabby clinic in Limbus Pit every week from now on would be very enjoyable.
