Chapter 66
Translator: penny
Chapter: 66
Chapter Title: It Was Hell for Me
If I cry here, I'll really become a mother without any qualifications.
"......Esira."
Honestly speaking, the situation where Esira was pointing her sword at me—
It tore at my heart, but it was still within the range I had fully anticipated.
No, it's more accurate to say I had braced myself for it.
On the way here, I had run dozens, hundreds of simulations in my head.
What words should I say first?
How should I say them so this child wouldn't be hurt any more?
It was hard to even part my lips right away.
Esira's gaze was so chilling. It was a look I'd never seen from her before, and it made me tense.
Thirteen years really was too long.
I forced down a dry swallow and opened my mouth as calmly as I could.
"......First, I want to clear up the misunderstanding. I didn't come here to harm you all or lure you into a trap."
I shifted my gaze slightly, pointing to the spot about five meters behind me.
"I came to kill the Arachnoid."
A mangled heap of scrap metal, its form unrecognizable, was billowing smoke.
"What......?"
Marigold couldn't hide her bewilderment.
"You came to kill the Arachnoid? That's an Exim......"
Marigold trailed off, clamping her mouth shut instead of pressing further.
Actually, something even stranger had come up.
Moreover, the person standing before them was someone they'd thought long dead, appearing alongside the Abyss.
She realized rational conversation had passed that point long ago.
I guessed Marigold's doubts and corrected her right away.
"To be precise, it's Arachnoid Type β. Not the Type α we knew."
"What? Beta? Wasn't there only one?"
"No. The main body might actually be Type β. That thing's the one that created Type α, after all."
"......"
"There were some complicated events in the past."
I paused briefly and stared straight at Esira.
"I'll explain later. That's not the main point."
The situation was far too dire for drawn-out explanations.
Time wasn't on my side. This wasn't the moment to take it easy.
What mattered now wasn't why I'd killed it.
"Honestly, I didn't expect to run into you this soon. At least after I'd wrapped everything up, once I had even a shred of qualification to stand before you......"
My words kept tripping over themselves.
The version of me who'd simulated every scenario was gone, replaced by a guilty sinner watching the child's every reaction.
"I'm pretty confused myself right now. Still, let me try to sort this out—"
"I've thought about this a lot too."
Esira cut me off.
She closed her eyes for a moment, greatsword still trained on me.
As if steadying her breath. Or bottling up her emotions.
That greatsword—it was mine once.
So Esira had kept it. And seeing how well she wielded it now filled me with pride... and something bittersweet.
"If you showed up in front of me, what would I say? What face would I make? I've imagined it thousands of times over."
The way she addressed me felt off.
'You'?
The days when she'd call me "Mom" and trail after me flickered in my mind. I could still glimpse that child's smile.
But the Esira from my memories was nowhere to be found.
Just that one word made those thirteen years hit home with brutal clarity.
The last traces of the past had been wiped clean from her eyes.
All that remained was contempt and loathing, like she was staring at something repulsive.
"The instant I saw your face, I knew."
Esira's voice was ice-cold.
"Joy? Relief? Nothing. Not a single one of those feelings rose up."
"Wh-what does that mean......?"
"You're the worst."
My heart plummeted straight to my feet.
I widened my eyes. Breath caught in my throat.
Maybe if she'd cursed me out, it would've hurt less. If she'd screamed, perhaps.
"......Right. It was all my fault. If that's how you feel, then yes—it's all on me."
I clutched my shredding heart and called her name as tenderly as I could.
"But Esira. Just once. Can't you give this worthless mom a chance to speak?"
"A chance? Ha, a chance......"
Esira slowly shook her head. Her eyes were fixed on me, yet seemed lost in some distant past.
"Yeah. Remember those days thirteen years ago, when we were together?"
Why start like that? Why so ominously?
"You'd brush my hair aside and say I was pretty. That you loved me more than anything in the world."
"......Esira."
"You'd cook delicious meals, fuss over every little scrape and apply ointment, pat my back every night until I fell asleep."
Esira recited it all flatly, like it was someone else's tale.
Yes, we were so happy back then. So you do remember.
"But not for me."
Esira ground her teeth.
"The time I spent with you was......"
She never finished.
Her lips pressed into a tight line.
What words was she sifting through in her mouth?
Esira didn't raise her head. Instead, her eyes bored into me.
She looked utterly desperate.
As if she had to shatter me or she'd break first.
"It was hell for me."
Why.
Why say something like that?
Why?
Esira tightened her grip on the greatsword and spat the words at me like venom.
"When you stand in front of me, I want to kill you. Got it?"
"No, why......"
"So get lost. Or—"
Esira's eyes gleamed with an eerie light.
"I'll kill you myself. That way, you can never go anywhere again."
It went beyond any mere collapse.
A massive spike drove straight through the center of my chest.
Each hammer blow, like a final mercy kill, shredded my heart to ribbons.
Maybe being devoured by the Abyss would've been better.
I'd gritted through the agony of my flesh searing away.
But this—the realization that you hated me so fiercely you'd kill me just to keep me caged.
I couldn't bear it.
Something inside me crumbled in a rush.
"......Ah."
A hoarse rasp, not even a proper sigh, slipped past my lips.
If she'd just treated me like a monster, I could've understood. Wary of me showing up with the Abyss? Natural.
Misunderstandings could be cleared. I'd trusted they'd see my sincerity.
But this? No.
The days I'd cherished as bliss were hell for Esira.
Those moments when you'd smile and call me "Mom"—the brightest memories of my life.
Were your worst nightmare.
'......Is it true?'
What I'd believed was love.
Had it been shackles for you?
Was I never a good mother?
Did I cling to you just to stave off my own loneliness?
No, it has to be a mistake. I need to say it—
But my lips quivered uncontrollably.
The spike gouging my heart made even breathing a torment.
My eyes burned. Hot.
My nose stung, vision clouding over.
My chest hurt too much, heart crushed and throbbing—I couldn't even lift my head.
This sensation was new.
Truly the first time.
I forced my eyes wide.
If I cry here, I'll really become a mother without any qualifications.
No—too late already?
An unworthy mother.
'If I'm hearing even this from my child......'
The Abyss nestled quietly in my arms like a tame child suddenly turned feral.
The little ones who'd rubbed so sweetly against my touch.
Reacting to Esira's hostility, maybe.
The ones that had stayed still until moments ago lunged forward.
"Front—they're all coming!"
The moment the Commander's shout rang out, his group sprang into action.
Marigold thrust out her hand, and radiant golden threads unfurled like a net.
They tangled the charging Abyss.
"Got 'em—hey."
"On me."
Reina surged ahead in a flash. The heart of the Abyss, thrashing in the golden bonds, was cleaved clean through.
Esira charged right after.
Her greatsword hummed with sword aura.
Every strike shattered the Abyss. Sticky black tentacles dispersed, clumps of darkness splattering everywhere.
'Ah......'
You really grew up so well without me.
Even through hell, you learned to protect yourself.
Relief and misery tangled together—I couldn't even look ahead.
I whipped around, fleeing.
No place for me anymore beside those brilliant kids.
The Abyss swirling at my side coiled around my waist and shoulders like it had been waiting.
It wound tight, dragging me inward.
In that undulating squeeze enveloping my body, my mind eased paradoxically.
'......Warm.'
Why were the depths of those tentacles so comforting?
A tender embrace.
The Abyss strewn across the floor stirred again.
Shattered by the Commander's crew—it reformed at my feet.
'......You've seen plenty of them too.'
The group probably hadn't noticed, but I knew.
No real killing intent in their assault.
Even after losing so much power from that incident thirteen years back.
If they'd meant it, this wouldn't have made them falter.
The pool at my feet surged all at once.
The Abyss crawled up my legs.
Tentacles looped my neck, tracing my jaw. Neither cold nor hot.
The tips gently blanketed my eyes.
Like telling me to stop looking.
From that gaze of utter contempt aimed my way.
Like I didn't have to endure it anymore.
Darkness total, sensations sharpened instead.
The Abyss pulled me close.
Warmth felt soothing.
Those days thirteen years ago with Esira surfaced.
Letting it cover me.
I surrendered to the tentacles.
Just before the dark fully claimed me.
From beneath my shrouded lids, I summoned the last of my strength to move my lips.
"......Esira."
My voice trembled.
Would this one word reach her?
Even if it did, it'd only wound her more.
Still, I had to say it.
This was all this worthless mom could manage in the end.
"You grew up so well."
Esira had grown so strong.
I'd never see that smiling girl before me again.
But I was glad.
For remaining such a beautiful soul.
"I'm sorry......"
Before bidding Esira farewell that day.
I'd wanted to say at least this.
Just for you to be happy.
Though the words never fully escaped.
The you now—
Are you happy?
Happy?
The Commander seems to look after you well.
Your side, with him there—it looked so steady, somehow.
That's a relief.
Then that's enough.
You can take all my share of misfortune—it's fine.
Live on as a child loved by all.
That's more than enough.
Space warped.
Someone rushing over—but too late to reach.
I surrendered to the Abyss.
Vanished with it.