Chapter 24
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 24
A bad child. Those were words she often used.
[I hurt Mother again today.]
A story about her parents, then.
[I complained that the philosophy book was boring, and it made Mother sad.]
[I made Mother use the switch.]
[Mother was in pain because she had to punish me.]
[I am a bad child who hurts my mother.]
Dokyun’s brow furrowed as he read the first page of the diary.
What is this about?
If her mother had used a switch, it meant she was the one being hit. So why did it say, “Mother was in pain”? The context made no sense.
Is it some kind of metaphor? Like, “I’m a bad daughter who hurts my mother’s heart?”
He turned to the next page.
[I became a bad child again today.]
[Mother told me to read the classics, but I looked at a fairy tale instead.]
[The princess in the fairy tale was so pretty that I got distracted.]
[Mother was in pain again.]
This was even more nonsensical than the first page. After reading the second entry, the only thing he could surmise was that the books in this library were things she had read, and that her mother had forced her to read them. That was about it.
He turned the page again and continued reading.
[Today, I was a good child.]
[Mother praised me and held me tight.]
[It was soft and warm, and I loved it.]
[I want to be a good child tomorrow, too, so Mother will praise me.]
The third page was a bit more positive. The handwriting was larger and bolder than on the previous two pages, as if the letters were brimming with emotion. A small laugh escaped Dokyun’s lips.
He turned to the next page and kept reading.
[I was praised again today.]
[It feels so good when Mother strokes my hair.]
[I love the sound of her laughter when she calls me a good child.]
[I love my mother so much.]
He turned the page.
[Today, I became a bad child.]
[Mother was sad.]
[She is in pain again.]
He turned the page.
[Mother is in pain again.]
[Tears are falling from Mother’s hand.]
What the hell does that mean?
Did the woman’s mother have eyeballs on her hands? He couldn’t understand the sentence, “Tears are falling from Mother’s hand.” It seemed like a metaphor, but there were too few clues to guess its meaning.
Still, the sentence was steeped in such a profound sense of unease that it made his stomach churn.
His hand moved, turning the book to the next page.
[I have become a bad child.]
[I couldn’t finish the book Mother gave me.]
[I disturbed Mother while she was working.]
[Mother is in pain again.]
[It’s so cold.]
The further he read, the harder the contents were to understand. The sentences were choppy and disconnected, making it impossible to grasp the full story. Hoping he might find something useful, Dokyun turned the page once more.
[Tears are falling from her hand.]
[I think the tears are falling because I hurt Mother.]
[I cried because I wanted to be in pain instead of Mother.]
[I wish Mother wouldn’t be in pain.]
He turned the page again.
[Today, I was a good child.]
[I didn’t disturb Mother’s work.]
[I finished the book she gave me and wrote a report on it.]
[Mother held me tight.]
[Now I can be in pain instead of Mother.]
He turned to the next page.
[Today, I was in pain instead of Mother.]
[I wish Mother wouldn’t be in pain.]
[It’s so cold.]
Having read that far, Dokyun snapped the notebook shut without turning to the next page.
A sticky, unpleasant feeling seemed to rise from within him. The unease that had been swelling as he read now spread through his entire body, and a physiological revulsion washed over him, making it difficult to read any further.
All he could gather was that the woman’s mother had been extremely overbearing about her education, and that the woman had loved her mother dearly.
What a waste of time.
Dokyun slid the notebook back into its original spot and placed the novel on top of it, returning it to the exact state he had found it.
The sticky feeling wouldn’t go away. He felt he’d seen something he shouldn’t have. The unpleasant, clinging sensation felt like it was stuck to his insides, tormenting him.
After standing there for a long while, unable to shake the feeling, Dokyun remembered what he was supposed to be doing and forced the murky emotions away.
Right, this is no time for this.
His head turned to scan the bookshelves he hadn’t yet checked. He had to find something, anything—a clue to his escape.
*
In a small room with stark white walls, she sat across from a man in a white coat, a table with a computer between them.
“How have you been lately?”
She answered the man’s question perfunctorily.
“G-Good.”
“That’s a relief. Your progress has been excellent…”
The sight of him smiling and talking to her was so disgusting it made her want to vomit. It was a routine she had endured for a long time, but she could never get used to the faint smell of medicine or the man in the white coat before her.
His cheerful face sparked a surge of irritation, and she had the urge to slash it open, but she held back, thinking of the one who was waiting for her.
I miss him…
He must be lonely without me. I should be by his side. I have to go back and hold him tight. The thought of him waiting for her made her heart ache, yet it also filled her with a strange warmth.
Maybe he was a little less shy now, because today, he had been the one to suggest a hug. The image of him opening his arms to her, the warmth and pressure when she’d stepped into his embrace and he’d held her tight—it all seemed to wrap around her body again. Her heart melted, and the corners of her lips curled upward.
“Did something good happen?” the man in front of her asked with a smile, as if he had been watching her expression.
Not wanting to answer, she simply nodded. This was something she wanted to know alone, a person she wanted to know alone. Someone she could never let go of. He was her own secret, one who would fill her life forever, and she didn’t want to talk about him.
“I-If we’re done, can I go…?”
Just thinking of him made her miss him again. She wanted to hurry back, to throw herself into his arms and feel his warmth.
“Yes, could you just wait a moment? I’ll print out your prescription right away.”
“Okay…”
She bowed her head and left the room. Although it was better than being alone with that man, the very air in this space felt so foul that she wanted to leave as quickly as possible.
She sat on a sofa in the lobby and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself by thinking of him, but the voices and noises around her grated on her nerves, making it difficult to concentrate.
“Ms. Go Eun-ah~”
After some time, she heard a voice call her name. She turned her head and saw a nurse in a pink uniform. The prescription in her hand was her ticket out of here. The thought made her walk faster.
“Here is your prescription.”
She took the prescription, bowed her head in response to the nurse’s words, and went outside. Now, all she had to do was stop by the pharmacy, and her routine would be over.
She was waiting in front of the elevator to go down when someone came and stood next to her. Her feet shuffled away on their own, creating distance. It would be a problem if the smell of bugs rubbed off on her. He would hate it. The only scent he should smell was hers. Getting filth on her was not an option.
As she moved away, she felt a gaze lock onto her. She ducked her head, trying not to look at the person, but the thought that they were staring at her made her feel as if bugs were crawling up from her toes. She wanted to tear those eyes away right this instant.
S-So annoying…
The tips of her fingers began to itch. She wanted to scratch away this disgusting feeling with her nails, to pluck out those staring eyes and throw them away, but she couldn’t, and her irritation kept mounting.
He was the only one who was allowed to look at her. He was the only one who truly knew her, the only one who saw her for who she was. Holding hands, meeting her eyes, pressing their bodies together—only he was allowed to do those things.
J-Just die…
As she was spewing curses she couldn’t say aloud, the elevator arrived. She quickly stepped inside and pressed the button for the first floor. She just wanted to get out.
Ding—.
The moment she reached the first floor, she hurried out. The pharmacy was just ahead. If she could just get her medicine quickly, this would finally be over.
Oh, right…
She had to buy him a gift, too. She would give him what she’d prepared, they would spend time together, and when the night grew deep…
Whoosh—!
“Hah…”
Heat rushed to her face. Her lower belly began to throb again. Just a little longer. She just had to endure a little longer, and then she could go all the way with him.
No, not the end…
Not the end, but the beginning. Yes, the beginning. She could stand at the starting line of a long, continuous happiness that would last until the day she died.
Her mood lightened a little. The unpleasantness that had been gently scraping at her whole body felt like it was fading away. Her steps grew lighter, her breathing easier.
She entered the pharmacy, approached the person at the counter, and handed over the prescription. The pharmacist in the white coat took it and walked away. The pharmacy was much more comfortable than the hospital. She didn’t have to talk. She didn’t have to answer any questions.
After the pharmacist left, she sat on a chair in the back to wait for her medicine. It felt strange to just sit there blankly, so she turned her head to look outside. Through the window, she saw a mother and daughter walking hand in hand.
Their happy faces were hard to look at. She could almost hear their peals of laughter, and her stomach churned.
Squeeze—.
Her hand unconsciously clenched the fabric of her dress. It was too difficult to watch any longer, so she ducked her head again, just wishing for the time to pass quickly. After what felt like an eternity, she heard a voice call her name.
“Ms. Go Eun-ah.”
She lifted her head to see the pharmacist who had taken her prescription looking at her. She quickly stood up, took the bag of medicine the pharmacist handed her, and walked outside. The air that filled her nostrils was cold. The bleak winter air pierced her lungs, settling coldly in her stomach.
Her insides had calmed, but the air was so biting it felt like it would bring her to tears. She missed him. She didn’t have the confidence to endure this biting air on her own. Her pace quickened. She had to hurry back and share his warmth.
The world without him was still a biting winter.