Childhood (3)
Ask most people what the absolute bottom looks like for a child, and an orphanage is usually the first thing that comes to mind. But there existed a gutter far worse than any orphanage: the slums. That was where I was born, and where I grew up. By comparison, this ramshackle orphanage was safe, even comfortable.
Of course, the roof leaked whenever it rained, and biting drafts seeped between the wooden floorboards, but stacked against the gutters where every single day was a desperate brawl to stay alive, it was practically paradise.
"...Gasp."
I snapped upright, drawing in a sharp, ragged breath. A cold sweat clung to my skin.
"...What the hell? It was just a dream."
Looking around, I found myself back inside the drafty, dilapidated orphanage. The younger children lay scattered across the room, fast asleep beneath quilts patched together from tattered scraps. I had been doing the exact same thing until a moment ago, my head resting on a lumpy, makeshift pillow.
Damn it... Why dig up those memories now, of all times?
In the nightmare, I had relived my days in the slums—a godforsaken place without a single wall to block the wind or a roof to shield you from the rain. Back then, I stole whatever I could just to survive. Food, scraps of coin, anything. And whenever a vicious gang caught me red-handed, they beat me half to death without a second thought.
In my dream, I was lying crumpled in a muddy alley, battered to a bloody pulp, unable to lift a finger as the icy rain poured down on me. I had jolted awake right at the moment life was slipping away.
Turning my head slightly, my eyes fell upon Eina curled up right beside me, clinging tightly to my arm in deep slumber.
No wonder my arm felt so warm...
It went beyond mere warmth; it was almost hot. How such a tiny, frail body could radiate so much heat was a mystery to me.
"...Mmh... Are you awake, Adele?"
My rustling must have disturbed her, because Eina slowly fluttered her eyes open.
"Yeah."
"Mmmn... Why're you up so early? You should sleep a little more..."
"Just had a nightmare."
"Ah..."
Eina blinked drowsily. She already knew that I was occasionally plagued by nightmares of my childhood in the slums.
"Say what you want, you're still just a kid after all, Adele~"
She teased gently, wrapping her slender arms around me and pulling me into her embrace.
"You really can't do without me, can you?"
"What nonsense are you babbling about? You're shorter than I am."
Though I grumbled under my breath, I didn't push her away. Enfolded in her embrace, bathed in her comforting warmth, the lingering dread of that foul nightmare dissolved into nothingness. I had never known a mother's touch, but if such a thing as maternal warmth existed in this world, I figured it must feel something like this.
As I fell into deep thought, Eina tilted her head.
"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing much. Just thinking that compared to living in the gutter, this place is heaven."
"Well, you certainly were a prickly little hedgehog back then."
When she giggled softly, I averted my gaze.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up."
Even as I retorted, my mind drifted back to the day we first met. I had been lying on the cold cobblestones, teetering on the edge of death, when Eina reached out to me. When I barely managed to lift my head and look up at her, I genuinely thought I had died and an angel had descended from heaven.
Breathtakingly beautiful, with a gentle, serene expression, shimmering silver hair, and an inexplicable grace about her—she seemed to belong to an entirely different world compared to a filthy, wretched brat like me. It was only natural that I mistook her for a celestial being. The only thing that snapped me back to reality was the oversized nun's habit she wore.
"Please... I beg you, save me."
Those desperate words had tumbled out before I even realized it. It must have been the raw instinct for survival engraved into my bones. In the slums, brats dropped dead every single day; no one would have batted an eye if she had simply walked past me. Yet she stopped in her tracks and helped me to my feet, not caring in the least that her religious habit was getting soiled with my blood and grime.
To anyone living in the slums, wasting effort on a dying brat was foolish meddling, but to me, it was the single lifeline that pulled me from the brink. That was how Eina saved me and brought me to this orphanage. She was my savior.
Come to think of it, that damned old hag was still hale and hearty back then.
I was thinking of the old Director Nun who ran the orphanage, the original owner of the black habit Eina now wore. Sadly, age and sickness had finally caught up to her, causing her to collapse a short while ago.
With her bedridden, the orphanage's fortunes had taken a steep turn for the worse, and dark shadows had begun to cloud Eina's once-bright smile. Though she seemed to have stabilized slightly as of late, to my eyes, the old woman was hovering on death's door, liable to stop breathing at any given moment.
Just then—
"Adele! Eina!"
"Something's wrong! The Director Nun, she's...!"
Frantic shouts from the children staying in the Director Nun's room shattered the morning silence. From the sheer panic in their voices, something terrible had happened.
"...W-What do we do, Adele? Something's happened to the Director Nun...!"
Eina turned pale as a sheet. She always put on a brave face so the younger kids wouldn't panic, but now her entire body was trembling violently. I placed a steadying hand on her shoulder.
"Calm down. It's going to be fine... Let's go."
Together, we hurried toward the Director Nun's quarters.
Most of the children had already woken up and were huddled anxiously around the bedside. Gently nudging past them, I stepped toward the bed.
"..."
"...W-What should we do, Adele?"
The Director Nun's chest heaved with shallow, ragged breaths as cold sweat poured down her brow. Not a drop of color remained in her face; she looked as pale as a corpse. Eina dropped to her knees and grabbed the nun's arm—a withered, skeletal limb that felt like dried-up kindling.
"Sniff... Ugh... The Director Nun is..."
Eina's voice broke into miserable sobs. Perhaps she had already realized that the old woman's remaining time was slipping away by the second.
"..."
Her condition was dire. Yet tragically, there was nothing the two of us could do for her right here. As I quietly turned on my heel to leave the room, Eina called after me.
"Where are you going, Adele...?"
"I need to hustle if I'm going to get some coin. Maybe she'll pull through if we can get some proper medicine into her."
"Where are you going to find that kind of money at this hour...?"
It was still the dead of dawn. Finding work right now was next to impossible. I didn't answer her. All that mattered was that we needed money—because only then would Eina stop crying.
"I'll figure something out," I said quietly.
I ran through the village until the soles of my shoes wore thin, begging for coin wherever I could. I bowed until my forehead touched the dirt, never hesitating for a second to drop to my knees. A few adults who owed the Director Nun a debt of gratitude or past favors handed over some money without much fuss. Scraping copper by copper, bit by bit, I finally gathered just enough to purchase the medicine.
It was painfully expensive, but by sheer miracle, I managed to buy it. Clutching the paper packet tightly against my chest like a treasure so I wouldn't lose it, I sprinted back toward the orphanage. When I finally reached the building, Eina was standing alone by the entrance.
"How's the old hag?!"
"..."
To my desperate shout, she offered only silence. Head bowed, she deliberately avoided meeting my eyes. A cold chill ran down my spine, raising goosebumps along my arms. Without another word, I made my way quietly toward the Director Nun's room.
"...Uwaaah..."
"Sob... Sniff...!"
"Waaah...!"
The small room was filled with the heartbroken wails of weeping children. Just in case, I held a trembling finger under the Director Nun's nose. There was not the faintest trace of breath. I had arrived too late.
Lying on the bed, the Director Nun's wrinkled face looked infinitely at peace. Having spent her entire life performing good deeds, she had surely gone to heaven. I carefully set the packet of medicine I had run so hard to buy beside her pillow on the headboard.
"...Ha. Left before I could even say goodbye, didn't you?"
She had always been a stubborn, cantankerous old woman who treated me with nothing but harsh words, but realizing she was truly gone left a hollow ache in my chest. I had disliked her sharp tongue and called her a wicked witch, but I never wished for her to die. If anything, I had wanted her to live a long life. After all, I owed her more than I could ever repay.
"...Sorry I was late, you old hag."
As I bowed my head in silent tribute, Eina quietly stepped into the room.
"...Adele."
I hadn't noticed earlier in the dim light, but her face was streaked with tear tracks. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen; one glance was enough to tell how hysterically she had been crying.
"...What am I supposed to do now?"
Eina's expression crumpled as a fresh wave of sobs tore through her.
"Sniff... I really don't know anymore."
Her knees buckled, and she collapsed to the floor right where she stood.
"Adele...! Waaah!"
I rushed forward and pulled her into my arms. Eina buried her face against my chest, weeping inconsolably.
"Hic... Mama... Mama is...!"
The orphans had often called the Director Nun 'Mama.' Eina, more than anyone, had loved calling her that. The tears streaming from her eyes showed no sign of stopping. As her sobs deepened and her frail body shook with grief, I held her tighter, anchoring her with all the strength I had. That was the only thing I could do for her right now.
And strangely enough, tears began trickling from my own eyes as well. Locked in each other's arms, we cried our hearts out. We wept endlessly, weeping right through the hours, and by the time morning fully broke, Eina's tears had finally run dry. She slowly parted her lips.
"...Adele."
"Go ahead, Eina. You can tell me."
"Leave the orphanage, Adele."
"...What did you just say?"
Her words struck me like a physical blow. It was easily the most shocking thing I had ever heard her utter. She had always clung to me, so having her suddenly tell me to leave was almost impossible to believe. That was just how close and unbreakable our bond had been.
"...The Director Nun is gone. Without her, this orphanage will collapse and disappear."
"What does that have to do with me leaving?"
"If you stay here, you'll suffer. It's so painfully obvious... That's why I'm telling you to leave."
It was the coldest tone I had ever heard from Eina. It felt as if she was deliberately, ruthlessly severing ties with me.
"..."
It wasn't that I didn't understand where she was coming from. The orphanage had been barely scraping by on the Director Nun's personal funds and whatever pocket change I brought in. Now that the old woman was dead, the crushing weight of keeping this place alive would naturally fall squarely on my shoulders. There was no way a single boy like me could feed all these children alone.
On the other hand, if I walked away from this place...
I could live a far better life than before.
At least I wouldn't have to worry about starving...
Everything I had constantly yielded and shared would belong entirely to me. I was good at earning money with my hands and feet. Not only would I go to sleep with a full belly every night, but I could eat meat whenever I wanted. I could feel that Eina was saying this purely out of concern for my future.
Even so, one glaring question remained.
"Then what about you, Eina...?" I asked.
Unlike a selfish person like me, there was no way she would ever abandon the orphanage. She could never bring herself to leave these innocent, pitiful children behind to starve.
"I'll figure something out."
Eina offered a faint smile. Behind it lay a quiet, unwavering resolve.