The Golden Sun Realizes
"Ugh..."
How long had it been since I buried my face in the pillow, wearing my favorite loungewear number one—the soft, fluffy rabbit pajamas? It had been a while since I left Jack and returned to the dormitory, yet my mood remained at rock bottom.
It felt incredibly complicated, sensing that Jack was trying to hate me. Ever since hearing the real reason behind his dislike, this was how things had been. My eyes were open, but my mind seemed detached, swept up in a torrent of utterly unfamiliar emotions.
"...You're really losing it today. What's going on with you?"
Fate asked, probably because I looked that unstable. We'd only known each other for three days, yet we'd grown close enough to open up to each other. And she was the one Jack had asked out on a date the moment they met. I shot her a glare, sulking, then whipped my head away.
Is the Fate he just met better than me, the one who's been pursuing him nonstop?
Of course Fate had a wonderful personality, and her chest was a little larger than mine. But was it really right to ask her out—pulling out some strange token in the process—while leaving me, a healthy and rather cute girl, right beside him?
Honestly, it hurt a little...
When I asked him today if he hated me, he hadn't given the firm rejection from last time, but he still said he disliked me. I'd acted relaxed on the surface, but inside I'd felt unreasonably upset.
"Fate."
In the end I couldn't hold back. I called her name and asked.
"Do I not appeal to guys?"
To be honest, I'd never torn myself down like this before. Men had always fallen for me with a bit of coaxing, and Jack was the first to show such rejection. At first I assumed he simply didn't like women, but he'd even approached Fate first. So naturally, the conclusion was that he simply didn't find me—as a person—particularly attractive.
"What are you even saying? Who says they don't like you?"
I flinched. She was right. To sum it up, Jack didn't like me. He'd said it was because I'd stolen the person who wanted to date Heidi.
"...Wait, seriously? Did that Jack guy actually say that?"
That was why this thought kept surfacing lately. If I hadn't stolen Heidi's men, would Jack have accepted my confession? Could we have held hands and laughed, hugged and kissed, becoming lovers who were always together?
"Yeah..."
I'd never felt it before, but the realization was slowly dawning. The awareness that what I'd done back in middle academy had been wrong. In that moment, I vaguely identified the name of an emotion I'd never experienced—one that was now constantly carving into my chest.
Or rather, it was less about identifying it and more about feeling it. It was guilt over the sins I'd committed until now. The guilt that had been buried beneath conquest, superiority, and pleasure now swallowed me whole in an instant.
"You're fine. Guys go crazy when you make a move on them. The weird one is the guy who turns you down."
Because of that guilt, Fate's confident assurance that I wasn't unattractive lifted my mood for a moment. But it didn't last. Paradoxically, the realization that I'd done something bad enough to warrant rejection from Jack despite possessing such charm sank my spirits right back down.
"Fate, suppose—hypothetically. This is about a friend of mine."
I steadied my breathing and spoke to her, concealing the tremor in my voice as best I could.
"If a guy who stole your close friend's lover confessed to you, how would you feel?"
I wanted a third party's opinion. I wanted to know how someone else would view this whole sequence of events—whether it was truly all retribution for my own mistakes. Whatever the answer, simply hearing the story from another person felt like it might ease this suffocating pressure in my chest.
As I waited for her reply, Fate tilted her head.
"I'd want to beat the shit out of him."
"...Huh?"
I hadn't expected that from Fate, who usually only said kind things. She was the girl who would giggle like an angel no matter what I told her. And now this?
"Think about it. If he stole your close friend's lover, your friend would've told you the story while crying her eyes out. Of course you'd sympathize, right?"
"Uh... yeah, that's true."
"Then naturally you'd end up hating the guy who stole your friend's lover, wouldn't you?"
"..."
"And on top of that, if he confesses to me? Ugh. It's a miracle I didn't crack his skull with a rock the second I saw him."
She didn't stop there. She drove the point home even harder.
"What kind of example is that? It's so vicious just imagining it puts me in a bad mood."
"...Thanks for answering."
Lying in bed, I quietly hugged the teddy bear Jack had called cute. It was fifteen years old—a precious doll that had been with me for more than half my life. No, for most of it. Normally hugging it would settle my complicated feelings, but today it had no effect whatsoever.
"This is sad..."
The story I'd only ever considered from my own perspective. Hearing it from someone else's mouth finally let me feel what the situation must have been like for him—why he'd acted that way. For some reason, tears welled up like an idiot. Even though I didn't even like the guy, the fact that he saw me as hateful felt... natural.
"Sob... hic..."
I swallowed the tears so Fate wouldn't notice, but they kept coming, pouring out faster than I could handle. He had no interest in me at all, and I... ha, I didn't know about him either. Still, I knew that crying even after realizing one's own fault was something only a five- or six-year-old would do. So why couldn't I stop?
If Jack keeps hating me, does that mean we'll only ever stay in this awkward limbo?
Questions that had no place in my head kept rising. Jack had only been a sort of plaything to tease Heidi a little.
Why? Why on earth has that guy dug himself so deep into my mind?
Even if he asked me out now, I didn't think I could accept with an easy heart. These were emotions I should never have felt in my lifetime, yet because of Jack I had to endure them—unpleasant yet so full of regret and longing, a raging sea of guilt.
If only he hadn't been so warm to me.
If Jack had kept hating me and refused to associate with me at all. If he'd hurled those harsh insults from my first confession every time I approached. If he hadn't accepted my excessive contact or gently touched the wounds I'd received. Then maybe I could have seen him as a bad guy too and lived that stupid but happy life.
Haaa...
I'd denied it just moments ago, but now I had no choice but to admit it. I had fallen for Jack Orlannte himself. Even while calling me such a hateful woman, the consideration that subtly showed through, the small gestures of care, and the honesty woven into every single action—they were all so attractive.
No... actually, that's not quite right either.
Even before confessing to Jack, I think I'd been interested in him all along. I'd hidden it behind the sinister thought, Since he's Heidi's childhood friend, stealing him would make her sad. But that alone couldn't explain why my gaze had lingered on him so often even when Heidi wasn't around. Nor could it explain why I'd shed tears at a few hateful curses he threw at me, or why my heart had fluttered at the hand that reached out to wipe my tears even after my confession was rejected. Nor why I'd felt the need to follow him all the way to Campbell Academy.
Guilt and yearning—the first time I'd recognized either emotion—swirled together in dizzying chaos.
"What do I do..."
But I'd already come too far to approach Jack. I'd stolen four of the men who belonged to Heidi, and each time she must have poured her heart out to him. Now that I'd finally looked squarely at the truth I'd hidden behind pleasure all this time, all I could see was my own ugliness. I'd only just confirmed it, but Jack had been facing that sight the entire time he looked at me.
"I really... want to date him now, for real..."
I wanted him to keep showing me the smiling face I'd glimpsed today. I wanted him to keep stroking me with those warm hands he'd shown while drinking coffee and treating my wound. I wanted to wholly claim that bewitching side of him I'd seen on the train.
I realized both my own feelings and him at the same time.
"I've completely ruined it..."
Just thinking of his face brought a wave of longing, but I couldn't express it. After all, I knew that once he crossed a certain line, he would push me away without fail. Jack harbored that strong a disgust toward me—toward the very act of stealing someone else's lover.
If I knelt, would he forgive me?
Or if I told him I truly liked him now, would he forgive me? No, he probably wouldn't believe me anymore. I'd been lying from the very first moment we met. Jack wouldn't trust a single word I said now.
"...Fate, I'm going to step out for a bit."
"What? At this hour?"
I changed clothes roughly and wandered the academy grounds without a destination. Staying in the room felt like my heart would burst, so I wanted to walk through the night air somehow and unravel this suffocating knot in my chest. The man who'd made me fall in love was somehow hateful, yet I missed him terribly.
"...Lucia."
I kept replaying the recorder that held Jack's voice for no reason. Since I couldn't see him this late at night, I had to satisfy myself with this somehow.
"Still, it's a little bet—huh?"
While I surrendered my body to the night air and tried to shake everything inside me loose, I spotted the silhouette of a man in the distance. He was quite far away, but I knew just from the feeling. It was the man I'd been thinking about, longing for, and feeling sorry toward just moments ago—Jack. No doubt about it.
And after realizing that and snapping back to my senses, I found myself already in Jack's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.