The Prayer Room (1)
I finally had a reason to attend the Academy.
Even so, it only amounted to showing up around lunchtime to attend a single class.
I slipped into the lecture hall, carefully avoiding the conspicuous path in front of the main building.
Max and his lackeys, who used to pester me so eagerly, were nowhere to be seen. It seemed they had taken my warning to heart.
So, the only ones I had to avoid now were Giselle and Iris, just in case I ran into them.
The Divinity class usually consisted of just me and Mace.
Even the auditing student who had been diligently taking notes last time was absent today.
I had even brought a notebook and a pen that had been gathering dust in a corner of a drawer back home.
I still didn't have much interest in Divinity itself, but it felt a bit rude to come all this way just to sleep.
"So, blessings don't require circuits?"
"Instead, they require a specific energy called aura—or chakra in the East, as they call it. The methods to accumulate this energy include meditation, spirituality, or sacred reading..."
"I shouldn't have asked."
Even though they were trivial questions, I threw them out whenever they popped into my head.
Every time I did, Mace's face would light up, and she would explain with absolute delight.
In truth, her explanations were like casting pearls before swine, or a blind man trying to describe an elephant.
Would she be disappointed if I told her I only asked because I wanted to see her look happy?
Her high-pitched voice echoed through the quiet classroom.
The clear windows bathed the room in the warm, gentle sunlight of the early afternoon.
I enjoyed this time—the languid air, and the occasional sound of my pen scratching notes.
For the first time, I thought it was a relief that the arm I lost wasn't my dominant one.
The simple thrill of understanding the principles of this world—so different from my past reality before the war—had returned, if only a little.
We rarely parted ways immediately after class ended.
I would buy food for the penniless Mace at the Academy cafeteria, or we would keep chatting about nothing in particular.
Mostly, Mace would babble on while I just smoked and listened.
Sometimes, I would lie down on a bench in the Prayer Room and take a nap while listening to her sing some nameless song.
On those days, I could fall into a deep sleep without needing alcohol to keep the nightmares away.
Right now, however, Mace had been going on for over five minutes about how the steak she ate at the cafeteria was undoubtedly the most delicious food in the entire world.
Knock, knock.
It was probably the first time anyone had ever knocked on the Prayer Room door.
Startled by the unexpected sound, both Mace and I just sat there in a daze.
The person who revealed themselves through the crack of the opening door was Iris.
Upon seeing my face, Iris wore her usual blank, foolish expression. But the moment her gaze shifted to Mace sitting right next to me, she quickly switched to her professional persona.
"Excuse me. I am Iris Magnolia, the treasurer of the student council."
Iris bowed politely toward Mace as she spoke.
Mace, seemingly unfamiliar with such formal etiquette, stood up rather awkwardly.
Iris's stiff gestures were always so fake.
Though everyone else fell for it without fail.
"Oh, you share the same last name as Ain. Are you family?"
"She's my sister. For now."
A sister whose expiration date probably had only a few months left.
Mace tilted her head at my cryptic response.
"I came to speak with my brother. I would like to talk to him in private, if possible."
"Of course! Please, take your time. I'll head outside!"
I grabbed Mace's wrist as she tried to leave and pulled her back down into her seat.
It might be a cramped, dusty space, but this room was officially assigned to Mace by the Academy.
It made no sense for the guests to kick out the owner and take over.
"I'll be right back."
I already knew exactly why she had come.
I stubbed out my cigarette in the portable ashtray in my pocket and stepped out of the Prayer Room.
Once we were alone in the hallway, Iris's rigid posture melted away, just like always.
"How did you know I was here?"
I had taken the long way to school specifically to avoid this.
Yet Iris always managed to pinpoint my exact location.
The family had probably attached a tail to me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.
Iris only mumbled, offering no answer.
Before I could die of frustration, I cut straight to the point.
She had undoubtedly come to ask me to reconsider her offer from the cafeteria.
"I told you. It's not happening."
"B-But... Ain..."
Iris trailed off, fidgeting with the sleeve of her school uniform.
"Y-Your sister... I already talked everything through with Father... I-If you just come back to the mansion, Ain..."
"I said no, Iris. Absolutely not."
If I wasn't firm here, she would cling to me every chance she got.
Hearing my reply, Iris stared at me blankly.
Eyes of the exact same color as mine began to tremble.
Unable to look away from my face for a long moment, Iris finally spoke.
"I-I hate that name... Ain..."
"Too bad. You're going to hear it a lot from now on. That's the only name I'll be calling you. Iris Magnolia."
I had finally found a place to hang out other than the back-alley taverns and my empty house.
This meant I didn't need to crawl between the legs of the family while being treated like dirt anymore.
Even if it weren't for Mace, I would never have returned to that mansion, which was worse than a garbage dump.
Iris seemed more shocked by me calling her by her name than by the rejection of her offer.
Come to think of it, in my past life, I had always called her "Sister."
Since my regression, I had avoided running into her as much as possible, so I hadn't really thought about it.
Iris kept her eyes glued to the floor, her face looking even closer to tears than usual.
Watching her fidgeting hands, I remembered that there was a time when I used to hold those hands and walk around the streets.
And, as always, I recalled the day she cast me aside. The day she turned her back on me, refusing to take my outstretched hand.
The sister who had never once visited me after I was completely excommunicated, right up until the moment I died.
"Y-You get along so well with that nun..."
"She treats me well. And she doesn't try to pin that crap Magnolia Emblem on my shoulder, either."
"Y-You don't have to... avoid your sister like this..."
Even if I couldn't treat her like I did Max, I wanted us to be distant enough that we could live without ever seeing each other's faces.
Preferably for the rest of my life.
Otherwise, it would only bring back memories I had no desire to recall.
"Sure. We could get along great. And then, the moment I'm kicked out of the family, I can just quietly let myself get stabbed in the back. Right?"
"T-That's not..."
"Can you honestly say it's not?"
Without waiting for an answer, I pulled out a cigarette and put it to my lips.
This time, Iris didn't light it for me.
I struck a match against the wall of the empty hallway. Only then did Iris's quiet voice drift over.
Yet, despite her dying tone, her voice carried a firmer resolve than she usually showed in front of me.
"...I-I will still be your sister."
Tiny tears welled up in Iris's eyes.
This was exactly why I hated running into her.
Regardless of my own will, Ain's body always felt a sharp pang in the chest whenever he saw this.
I let out a puff of smoke, masking my face with a cold sneer.
I just needed to speak as gently as possible, yet with enough poison to make it stick.
"How many months do we have left before we stop playing house?"
"P-Playing house? No. Is that... is that really what you thought, Ain...?"
"Well, we only share half our blood anyway. Let's see. Our hair color is different, and the way we were treated in the family was completely different. Ah, our eye color is similar. Though now, just like the blood we share, I only have half of mine left."
There was no need to feel guilty.
The moment I was kicked out of the family anyway, the true nature of the feelings Iris harbored for me would be laid bare.
I should think of this as a vaccine.
A vaccine that hurts a little now so you don't have to suffer real pain later.
So, even as Iris covered her eyes to stifle her silent tears, I could look straight at her without turning away.
I must not look away. I didn't want to run from the wounds I inflicted.
Because I never, ever wanted to become the kind of person who runs away from the consequences of their actions—like Iris and the bastards of the Magnolia family.
Even if I was already far past the point of ever becoming a decent human being.
I must not wipe away those tears.
I must not feel pity for her as she bit her lip to keep from sobbing.
I must not show sympathy, even as I watched her white uniform sleeves grow damp.
Fuck, this is way harder than kicking Giselle out.
I'd rather deal with someone who stayed expressionless no matter what I said, or someone trapped in their own pretty little fantasy world wearing a creepy smile.
Playing the villain is better than being a hypocrite, but the former is much harder to pull off than the latter.
Iris looked up at my face again as I silently puffed on my cigarette.
She spoke to me with even more hesitation than usual.
"I-If you need anything, you can ask me anytime... I-I'll pretend... today never happened..."
"I doubt it'll be 'anytime.'"
In a few months, we would be complete strangers whether I wanted to be or not.
"N-No, it is anytime... I-I can't just stop being your sister..."
"You can. In fact, I'd prefer it if you did."
I replied, tossing the cigarette onto the floor.
I had only bought the portable ashtray because I didn't want to dirty the classroom or the Prayer Room.
I couldn't care less about the hallway. I put them out wherever I wanted at home, anyway.
Maybe she would understand better if I gave her at least a minimal explanation.
Though if I mentioned regression, I'd just be treated like a lunatic and locked up in an asylum.
I'd heard those facilities were even worse than prisons.
"The brother my sister knew is dead. It'll be easier on your mind if you just think of him as having died on the battlefield. I hope we never have to see each other again."
"B-But... Ain, you're alive..."
Hearing me call her 'sister,' Iris's face brightened slightly.
She reached out toward my remaining arm, but I stepped back.
"Thank you for taking care of me all this time. I mean that. But with this body of mine, I'm too busy just looking after what I actually need to survive. Not just at the Academy. Wherever we run into each other, I want you to pretend you don't know me."
"T-There's nothing more important than family... Am I... am I not even worth as much as that nun...?"
"No. Right now, the one I need is Mace."
Just then, my eyes met Mace's, who was peeking out through the crack of the Prayer Room door.
Iris didn't seem to notice. She was too busy crying.
Mace widened her eyes, watching with great interest, before quickly pulling her head back inside and quietly closing the door.
How long had she been watching? I wanted to die of embarrassment.
She probably heard what I just said, too.
I should have known ever since she proved to be so good at stealing.
That nun is hopeless.
"Y-You call her by her name... I-If that's what it means, can I call you that too..."
"I'm leaving."
Unlike calling Mace by her name, my calling her "Iris" meant I no longer wished to think of her as family.
But I didn't bother spelling it out for her.
"L-Like I said before... y-you can come find me anytime..."
Sincerely hoping that day would never come, I headed back toward the Prayer Room.
The moment I was out of her sight, Iris began to sob aloud behind me.
I prayed that her cries wouldn't reach inside the Prayer Room.