Different Standpoints (2)
I stepped into the staff women's restroom—the one I always depended on during PE class—and still couldn't wrap my head around this unreal reality.
All I knew about women's periods was the bare minimum: that they felt like your stomach was being wrung out in agony and that they involved expelling blood and eggs along with it. Since I'd never experienced it myself, there was no way I had any detailed knowledge. In that sense, Song A Yeon was a truly peculiar case.
How did he figure it out so quickly just from a few words of mine...?
Every time the topic of his overly feminine habits came up in our conversations, he always brought up his days as a ballet trainee...
Ugh, first things first—deal with this and think later...
I shoved those stray thoughts aside and slipped my hand into my skirt pocket. My fingertips brushed against the crumpled pad I'd hastily stuffed in there; it felt all wrinkled and bunched up.
"Uwaaaah..."
I pulled it out and unfolded it. A bewildered whimper escaped my lips before I could stop it. It was embarrassing enough just holding it, but I had no clue how to actually use the damn thing.
The internet... maybe a search will turn up something?
The idea hit me like a bolt, and I whipped out my smartphone, rushing to open YouTube.
How to use a pad... ugh, what the hell am I even doing...?
It was mortifying, and a wave of self-loathing crashed over me. For a guy like my old self, this was on par with the hurdle of masturbation—almost taboo.
Well, maybe it's simpler than I think...
Surprisingly, the tutorials made putting on a pad look straightforward, nothing like my fears. Steeling myself, I followed the guide step-by-step with the one A Yeon had given me and stuck it right onto my underwear.
"Ughhh...!"
My first impression? It felt weird as hell. The blatant foreign sensation down there made my face scrunch up involuntarily—like wearing a diaper.
If things had stayed normal, I'd never have gone through this...
It was bizarre. Not long ago, I'd been tormented by these direct, feminine experiences, trapped in self-hatred without escape.
Like it or not, you'll get used to it eventually. I did. Oh Yeonseo's words echoed in my mind, the ones she'd always say whenever I fretted about my future in moments like this.
Was I... really adapting to this life?
Ever since my family discovered I had gender transformation disease, my blocked-off life had changed a lot. The unavoidable sexual urges and confusion about the opposite sex were still unresolved, but I was definitely overcoming it.
I never even thought about periods, though...
Honestly, I couldn't be sure if my body was truly menstruating right now. I'd only inferred it from the help of the girls around me, who had way more experience with womanhood. No direct symptoms like stomach pain had hit yet.
It still doesn't make sense... how does Song A Yeon know all these girl-only details?
As I sorted through my thoughts, A Yeon's face kept circling in my head. Oh, right—he'd said he had something personal he wanted to tell me.
A Yeon was always the one confidently steering conversations, the polar opposite of my personality. Seeing him hesitate and approach so cautiously for the first time since we'd known each other piqued my curiosity despite my unease.
Aah, I'm already a mess, and now you've got me curious...
"Took you longer than I thought."
As I emerged from the restroom, our eyes met—he'd clearly been waiting.
"You were using the staff bathroom, huh?"
[Isn't that... sexual harassment?]
"I-I didn't mean it like that... it just slipped out because it felt off..."
It wasn't unreasonable for him to think that. The staff restroom was far from the classrooms, and the regular one was just a few steps away.
I glanced at A Yeon cautiously. No one else was around; we were alone in the quiet hallway.
This is awkward...
He chattered endlessly with Seongjun or the other girls, but now he stood there with his lips sealed in this weird atmosphere, leaving me frustrated too.
[Why's he acting all cautious like I've never seen?]
"What can I say... We've known each other for a few weeks now, right? I feel like we've gotten pretty close."
Why was he acting like this all of a sudden?
I did consider us acquaintances, at least by face. But one-sidedly close? Not really. I still felt uncomfortable around classmates... around people in general.
To me, A Yeon was like oil on water—impossible to mix. My self-loathing and paranoia were improving, but deep down, I was still this neither-here-nor-there misfit who didn't belong anywhere.
"You're not... really a girl or a guy, so fitting in with the others feels awkward, right?"
"...Huh?"
My eyes widened. Did I... hear that wrong?
"Yeah, thought so. I know that feeling all too well."
A Yeon wore his usual laid-back vibe, a soft, feminine smile that felt effortlessly womanly, but his voice lacked confidence with every word. Still, the way he looked at me was different—piercing.
"Uh... u-ugh... eh?"
"Knew it."
"Th-that... wha...?"
Now his voice gained certainty. Panicking, I forced out words that wouldn't come easily.
Since restarting school life as a girl, I'd never told anyone I used to be a boy. I didn't want to, and I lacked the courage anyway.
So how did A Yeon know my secret without me saying a word?
"U-ugh...! Hnng! Gasp! Sniff!"
I backed away from him step by step, creating distance. A whirlwind of thoughts swirled in my head, panic tightening my chest.
Not family, not Yeonseo unnie—not even close. As long as I didn't reveal I was once a boy, I was just an ordinary girl. It had to stay that way.
But... huh? I... um...
"Don't... ru...n...!!"
My voice rose unbidden. The pronunciation was off, but it conveyed my raw emotion just fine.
Unlike my fluster, A Yeon stayed calm. He slowly closed the gap with measured steps.
His footsteps grew nearer. Suddenly, a warm human touch enveloped my hand.
"Eh...?"
My gaze dropped instinctively. Before I knew it, A Yeon had gripped my hand firmly.
"Don't run. At least hear me out before you judge."
I looked up late, meeting his eyes.
"Hic...!"
Our gazes locked, and my shoulders twitched involuntarily. He had no intention of letting go.
Was my normal school life over just like that? The world I knew felt like it was crumbling again.
All my gradual efforts—were they really collapsing in an instant?
But A Yeon's next words shattered that thought, leaving me unable to hide my shock.
"Honestly, I never planned to bring this up... but seeing you today confirmed it for me."
He exhaled once and gently released my hand. I was still scared, my body trembling nonstop. Yet for some reason, I couldn't tear my eyes from him.
Maybe it was his serious aura. A Yeon, tense like me, took a deep breath and slowly spoke.
"Let me say it clearly. I'm definitely a guy now... but three years ago, I was a girl. Believe me?"
My breath caught against my will.
"What... does that...?"
"You must've suspected something by now, right? Old habits are harder to shake than you'd think..."
A Yeon averted his gaze, looking somehow sorrowful. The usual brightness was gone, a shadow darkening his face. Seeing it firsthand, I finally understood the oddness I'd always sensed from him.